(no subject)
To Brighten your day and make you more appreciative of your real job...
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed
according to your salary. If we see you wearing
Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you
are doing well financially and therefore do not need
a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to
manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer
clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If
you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as
proof of sickness... If you are able to go to the
doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or
co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare
cases where employee involvement is necessary, the
funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After
your second offense, your picture will be posted on
the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the
picture will be sanctioned under the company's
mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal
size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because
that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are
here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed
according to your salary. If we see you wearing
Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you
are doing well financially and therefore do not need
a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to
manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer
clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If
you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as
proof of sickness... If you are able to go to the
doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or
co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare
cases where employee involvement is necessary, the
funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After
your second offense, your picture will be posted on
the company bulletin board under the "Chronic
Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the
picture will be sanctioned under the company's
mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal
size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because
that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are
here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplations, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.