CHRIS QUOTES THINGS FROM "BOOK OF DAYS: A NOVEL"
Guess what bestselling Christian Author has written another book? Yeah, that one. I read it. To procrastinate. It, sadly, lacks the homosexual subplot of the previous book. But the writing is still horrible.
So, let's look at it. For fun.
This book is about a guy (Cameron) who is looking for a mystical book written by God that contains the records of everything ever because he is, himself, losing his memory at the age of 39. His dad went senile and told him to look for it, and his dead wife, as she was dying, told him to go looking for it, too. He goes to Oregon (of course) to find the thing (he lives in Seattle, OF COURSE) and asks Investigative Reporter Ann to go along with him. Ann is his dead-wife's best friend and is somehow an investigative reporter... who... does... outdoor activities. She investigatively reports about... windsurfing and hiking in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. Anyway, Ann spends the entire book thinking to herself how much she loves Cameron and Cameron spends the entire book going "MY WIFE IS DEAD AND I AM LOSING MY MEMORIES AND I CANNOT LET MYSELF LOVE ANN." Also there's a New Age Religious Leader named Jason who acts as the badguy foil. Sadly, nobody lusts after Jason.
NOW THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THE STUPID PLOT, LET'S READ SOME STUPID QUOTES.
It had been a year since his dad knew who Cameron was. The doctors said the grains of sand still in the top of the hourglass were few, which made the call he'd received that morning from one of the nurses surprising.
The doctors said that, huh.
"Camping in the redwoods. The Big Rock. We went there every year till I was ten. You can lose all the other memories, but not of her. You have to remember Mom. You always said living without each other would be a Siberian existence."
You always said that, huh.
He wanted to have one last conversation with his dad about the important things in life, so why did he end up with his dad rambling about nonsensical things instead?
Perhaps because your father has dementia, but who am I to know.
A bald guy ducked under a sagging streamer that said, "Class of '95, About to Come Alive," threw open his arms, and grinned as he stutter-stepped up to Cameron in black dress shoes that were out of place with his jeans.
A streamer? Streamers don't say anything. Banners say things. Who edited this?
"You can't go now, bud, we've got five jobs on the front burner. They're jumping off the stove, they're so hot. I'm supposed to shoot, edit, write, and do the voice work all by myself? Oh, that's right, I forgot, I don't do voice work. And I can't animate like you can. But other than that, sure, count me in for a 120-hour week. Sign me up, lock and load, make it happin' captain." Brandon did a bad version of The Twist.
"Stop."
"Huh, what? Say again. One more time?"
"Stop talking. Now. You're not funny and your dancing makes you look like you've got the dry heaves."
Brandon did a bad version of The Twist that made him look like he was dry heaving.
He shouldn't worry about it. If he ever got serious about the idea again, Jessie would probably swoop down from heaven or wherever she was, stop him and say, "How can you think about destroying your life? You have a destiny. One that no other life can fill. Live free, Aragorn."
A king that loses his mind. Yeah, what a great tale that would be.
It worked pretty good for that Theoden King guy. Also: his dead wife's nickname for him was Aragorn. Because… he… it's never explained. You'd think that this sort of nickname would have a tiny explanation to it. But, whatevs, man we have a well written story to produce, no time to fill it out with boring insights into the main character's personality or appearance.
The main character goes to Three Peaks, the town his father grew up in, and where "The Book of Ages" is, he thinks. So immediately upon coming into town, instead of trying to be careful about what he's doing and looking for, he decides to just go right out and say he's looking for something that his dying wife and dying father both told him to look for, a mysterious Book of Ages. And instead of the mayor of town pretending he'd never heard of it he goes, "I know what you're asking about but I won't tell you and you shouldn't go around asking about it." Who are these people?
P.S. - The mayor of the town is named Kirk. The main character is Cameron. Kirk Cameron. Kirk "The Banana Proves the Existence of God" Cameron. Yes. It all makes sense now.
Cameron grabbed his notepad and started writing. Why was Arnold driving him to talk to this Taylor Stone? He didn't think it was Peasley's altruism. And why hadn't Kirk Gillum mentioned the guy?
Because Kirk Gillum was pointedly telling you to not ask people in town about The Book of Days. Why in the world would he tell you who to ask about it?
"Don't insult me." The man laughed. "News travels in a small town even faster than Twitter."
:|
"I served in Vietnam." Jason twirled his knife around on the table with his forefinger. "I dispatched men there. I would be a formidable collaborator."
I can kill men! This isn't a threat at all!
LET'S SEE HOW MANY HORRIBLE PRODUCTS AND SERVICES WE CAN CRAM INTO ONE BOOK, THE VIDEO, THE GAME, THE ANIME, THE LIST:
As soon as he got back to his car, he pulled up Safari on his iPhone and went to www.whitepages.com.
Taylor took off his wire-rimmed glasses and cleaned them on his 501 Levis.
After creating a mix of Diet Mountain Dew, Cherry Coke, and raspberry iced tea, Ann waited for her two new friends to pick up their sandwiches.
First I am expected to believe that the little, in-a-town-of-1700-people deli has Diet Mountain Dew, a drink that nobody would ever choose to drink. Then I am expected to believe that not only do they carry Pepsi products that nobody wants to drink, but they also carry Coke products, and thus have to deal with two totally different soda distributors.
Cameron took a swig of Mountain Dew.
Kirk moved back around the counter and opened a small refrigerator. "I've got Diet Mountain Dew; that's about it."
Why.
At the end of the next block was the Ponderosa Lodge Best Western.
The town of 1700 has a Best Western.
Ann offered him a bottle of Powerade from her climbing pack and he accepted.
She walked over to her pack and grabbed two PowerBars.
She grabbed her iPod and put Josh Groban's crooning on hold and looked for cover.
"From what Google and Facebook tell me, the two of you were close."
Least threatening statement by a villain ever.
My dearest Mr. Cameron,
I hope you have enjoyed our hospitality during your short visit to our town. If you don't leave within the next day, and instead choose to prolong your unwarranted escapade here, the consequences will be, shall we say, disagreeable.
Regards,
A friend
Worst. Threatening. Letter. Ever.
Progress on finding the book was moving like a glacier, and he still had no gut feeling one way or another if it would turn out to be the answer to all his hopes or an illusion that would leave his soul even emptier than it felt right now.
This doesn't seem like a particularly terrible sentence. Until you realize that he is thinking this on Saturday morning after arriving in town late on Tuesday meaning he's only spent three whole days and a couple hours on Tuesday searching for a magical book of legend. And in that time he has met with at least four different people with knowledge of the book, learned about his father's childhood, had a threatening letter telling him to leave town, gone to a town meeting called by the leader of a religion founded on finding the location of The Book of Ages, and has located who he believes is the guy in town who is "The Book of Day's key master." So he's gone from thinking it's a fever dream of his dying father's to something real and knowing who knows about it. In less than four days. GLACIAL SPEED.
Thanks for the torture, Book of Days Author.
No comment.
No, he'd be the first member on your Book of Days Facebook fan page."
No, nobody should be that.
The boards on the deck squealed as Cameron walked across them, announcing his arrival as loudly as the mermaid wind chime would have if a wind had been blowing.
No, that's not how wind chimes work, mermaid or no. Wind chimes do not function as doorbells.
The climb was listed as a 5.9 in Spectacular Northwest Climbs, but it seemed closer to a 5.10.
What does this mean. Why would I be expected to know? This tells me absolutely nothing. WITHOUT A REFERENCE THESE NUMBERS ARE MEANINGLESS. "The cheese sandwich was a V3 according to Midwest Cheesery Monthly, though Giselle felt it deserved a W3." "His hairdo was listed as a 4.21a upkeep in Fashionable Gentleman's Coiffure, but he felt it was more of a 4.21b." THIS MAKES JUST AS MUCH SENSE TO 98% OF YOUR READERS.
Cameron sat in Java Jump Start on Saturday morning tapping his foot in doubletime waiting for Ann to arrive, wishing for a better camera than the one on his cell phone. One iPhone with a two-year contract? $99. A Three Peaks white chocolate mocha? $3.75. The look on Ann's face when he told her what he'd found? Priceless.
OH GOD, MY EYES. IT BURNS. IT BURNS. WHY CAN'T THERE BE SOME GAY SUBTEXT TO DISTRACT ME FROM THE ACTUAL WRITING. OH GOD.
She'd always been good at seeing the story behind the story, the mark of a good investigative reporter and television host. If she was right in this case, Taylor had a story going on so deep, she wouldn't be surprised to find Jules Verne at the bottom of it.
1. You had absolutely no clue, until the main character told you, that your uncle was your uncle. You couldn't put any of the clues together whatsoever on your own.
2. Jules Verne wrote 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. He didn't live 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Or are you making a terrible, terrible pun? You're making a pun, aren't you? I hate you.
Taylor looked at her with one eyebrow raised and one eye closed.
"That's a good look."
What.
Cameron only has two weeks to find this Book of Days before he has to go back to work, and instead of finding it, he's now spent at least three or four mornings in going Rock Climbing. Obsessively. One time his not-love-love-interest Ann almost died. And then they went rock climbing like three days later. What is with all of this stupid rock climbing.
Cameron is shown the location of The Book of Days. But he has no idea what he's being shown. At all. The guy who knows takes him to a specific location, tells him to look at the mountains, and Cameron notices a special shadow that is worth pointing out as special and different and appearing to POINT TO A LOCATION and he goes, "WHAT DID YOU JUST SHOW ME?" Somehow I am supposed to believe this guy can figure anything out. He can't. He deserves to die of dementia just like his father.
"Climbing is life, Cameron. Figure it out. At a certain point you'll have to go beyond climbing 5.10s and risk climbing 5.11s, 12s, 13s. Whether it's with me or someone else."
Yeah, Cameron. You'll have to do those numbers that mean absolutely nothing to 98% of the people who will read this book. This is a really important moment for you, I'm so glad I could express it so clearly.
"What do you mean we couldn't ever be together?"
"You know why."
"Enlighten me."
"My whole life centers around Jesus."
"So."
"Yours doesn't at all. It's not exactly a match made in . . . you know."
Actually, your whole life appears to center around trying to not fall in love with Cameron (and failing at it) and rock climbing. But hey, what do I know.
"Time to connect the dots." Ann grinned at him, hands on hips, sunglasses dangling from a cord around her neck.
"Apparently you're providing the pencil?"
"I am, and the pencil is a number ten out of ten. I found what I was looking for. And you will like it. A lot." She bounced on the balls of her feet and rubbed her hands together like she was starting a fire.
The pencil is a number ten out of ten??? Wouldn't a number ten pencil be like trying to draw with lead made out of butter? Or is she saying that the pencil is perfect? Why is the pencil that amazing? Also, I wasn't aware that bouncing on one's feet was something done while starting a fire.
"Buddy, you roll your pupils at me again and I'll whack-smack you so hard, you won't remember tomorrow." Ann looked like she was trying to keep the grin off her face but failed.
Cameron gasped. The exact words Jessie used to use when they were bantering back and forth and she wanted to make a point stick.
You roll your pupils at me again and I'll whack-smack you so hard, you won't remember tomorrow. Who talks like this. How am I supposed to believe that two people talk like this?
But Ann was blowing up his steel-enforced walls with everything she said and did.
Steel-reinforced walls? Or is the steel somehow causing the walls to follow some sort of regulation? DID NO ONE COPY-EDIT THIS BEFORE THE PUBLISHERS PRINTED IT OFF?
Cameron broke into a sprint as the man ambled down a side street, then ducked behind the Grand Palace Hotel.
There is nothing wrong with this, beyond one simple fact. We are informed that this is a town of 1700 people. It already has a Best Western (somehow the middle of nowhere mountain town in Oregon has a Best Western and a trendy coffee shop) and now it has a downtown hotel. I call shenanigans.
"Did I tell you I have a photographic memory?"
Cameron hesitated. Did she? "I don't think so."
"It doesn't always work for remembering conversations or places I've been or people I've met, but with photos and papers I've seen and things I've read, I retain 90 to 95 percent of what I see."
Then you do not have a photographic memory.
Okay so they walk into a secret room with a hidden door and the door is 2 feet by 6 feet. They had previously walked through a secret passageway that was described as only 1 foot by 5 feet. Inside of this room is a book that is 5 feet by 10 feet. The book is described as being an actual book with a leather cover and pages. The pages are all blank. It is not the Book of Days. A character explains: " There is an old Native American legend in Central Oregon that tells of a book of stories of every man's life. So I've always guessed that settlers from the early- to mid-1800s learned of the myth, tied it to Psalm 139:16, and created this book to symbolize their beliefs."
THIS IS ALL AWFUL. I am expected to believe that a 5x10 book was taken down a 1x5 passageway OR that a sub-basement level room was built and the book installed, and then passageway was built around the book. That's an extremely tough pill to swallow but FINE if you never wanted your book to ever leave your sub-basement ever again FINE. But then I am expected that a bunch of settlers in 1850 Oregon had access to sheets of paper that were 5x10 feet large. SHENANIGANS. There is NO WAY a bunch of people who had just made the Oregon Trail trek would have had access to paper and leather in such massive quantities that they would make A BOOK THIS SIZE. And yet these people just swallow this like it's totally plausible.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE.
They find ANOTHER SECRET ROOM. And inside? " Page after page was filled with scrawled notes on how to make leather look and feel hundreds of years old, how to hand-make parchment paper to look hundreds of years old, and notes of the fonts used in the early eighteenth century."
Early eighteenth-century fonts would be from the 1700s, not the 1800s. Now I am expected to believe that this guy, in his spare time, made 5 foot by 10 foot sheets of PARCHMENT PAPER. ON HIS OWN.
1. Parchment paper is SOMETHING USED IN COOKING. IT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU WRITE ON.
2. Parchment is made from COW, SHEEP, OR GOAT SKIN.
So. Either this guy made paper or he made parchment but he didn't make parchment paper. I'm going to say that he made paper because there is NO WAY he had 5x10 sized ANIMAL SKINS. The guy worked at a newspaper, but newspaper paper is in no way similar to parchment or book paper. You could not fake up giant rolls of newspaper paper to look right. So this means he hand made sheets of paper that were 5x10. SHENANIGANS. This guy BUILT A SECRET ROOM TO HOUSE A FAKE BOOK HE MADE... SO HE COULD... HAVE PEOPLE BREAK INTO HIS RESTAURANT... TO LOOK AT HIS FAKE BOOK. I DON'T. WHY. WHY. WHY. THE BUILDING IS THIRTY YEARS OLD, WHICH MEANS THAT THESE BOOK-NOTES ARE ALMOST THREE DECADES OLD WHY ARE THEY STILL HERE. UNLESS HE BUILT THE BOOK IN THE ROOM AT THE END OF THE HALL WITH ALL OF HIS PAPER MAKING SUPPLIES THAT HE TOOK DOWN VIA A LADDER BECAUSE THERE IS NO STAIRCASE TO THIS PLACE, ONLY A TRAPDOOR ASDF:LJKADSF:LKADSF:LKADSJKASDGF:HASDG:LJKADSF
"I felt Him." He frowned at Taylor, then smiled. "I felt God. He was . . . in me."
Taking quotes out of context is fun.
And it turns out that the evil mastermind of the book isn't the New Age Prophet guy, but instead it's KIRK GILLUM. I should have seen it coming when I realized that the main character was named Cameron. Kirk Cameron. Kirk vs. Cameron. I hate this book. Kirk has had three scenes in the book, total. The initial one, another one where Cameron runs across him ~by accident~ and then this one, in addition to a bunch of "you're supposed to think it's the New Age Leader even though everything is anonymous" scenes where someone is thinking about killing everyone. It turns out that Jason the prophet was just KIRK'S FRONTMAN. WHAT A GREAT PLOT DEVELOPMENT. I AM SO GLAD THAT WE LEARNED ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT THE STORY'S ACTUAL ANTAGONIST, AND THAT THE ANTAGONIST DOESN'T DO ANYTHING UNTIL THE BOOK'S PENULTIMATE CHAPTER. I especially loved how THE EVIL KIRK is defeated by THE MYSTERIOUS NATIVE AMERICAN MYSTIC. No, I'm totally not making this up.
The Book of Days is actually a lake that reflects different points in time. It's described as "It seemed so real. The clarity was better than HDTV could ever hope for." Yes. HDTV. There we go.
Cameron is shown a future where he is ALONE AND WATCHING TV ALL DAY and ANN IS DIVORCED or a future where he is HAPPY AND MARRIED TO ANN. WHICH ONE WILL HE CHOOSE? I HAVE NO IDEA.
Oh wait he chooses to be with Ann. WHAT A TWIST.
THE END
This book was bad but it was less awful than the previous one, mostly because while there were a good deal of God moments, none of them were as laser-focused and bible-versy as Rooms. The emphasis was much less on GOD IS ALTERING THE WORLD TO TURN ME INTO A CHRISTIAN and more of a "wow God made this thing lets go find it and in the end I will come to believe in God because he physically manifested as a glowing ball of light and love above a lake that shows the past and the present in its surface." This is still not very good.
Also, there was not any homosexual-subplots running around where Cameron spends his time lusting after a guy whose name is one letter away from Dick. The writing was as awful, however. So there is that.
So, let's look at it. For fun.
This book is about a guy (Cameron) who is looking for a mystical book written by God that contains the records of everything ever because he is, himself, losing his memory at the age of 39. His dad went senile and told him to look for it, and his dead wife, as she was dying, told him to go looking for it, too. He goes to Oregon (of course) to find the thing (he lives in Seattle, OF COURSE) and asks Investigative Reporter Ann to go along with him. Ann is his dead-wife's best friend and is somehow an investigative reporter... who... does... outdoor activities. She investigatively reports about... windsurfing and hiking in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. Anyway, Ann spends the entire book thinking to herself how much she loves Cameron and Cameron spends the entire book going "MY WIFE IS DEAD AND I AM LOSING MY MEMORIES AND I CANNOT LET MYSELF LOVE ANN." Also there's a New Age Religious Leader named Jason who acts as the badguy foil. Sadly, nobody lusts after Jason.
NOW THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THE STUPID PLOT, LET'S READ SOME STUPID QUOTES.
It had been a year since his dad knew who Cameron was. The doctors said the grains of sand still in the top of the hourglass were few, which made the call he'd received that morning from one of the nurses surprising.
The doctors said that, huh.
"Camping in the redwoods. The Big Rock. We went there every year till I was ten. You can lose all the other memories, but not of her. You have to remember Mom. You always said living without each other would be a Siberian existence."
You always said that, huh.
He wanted to have one last conversation with his dad about the important things in life, so why did he end up with his dad rambling about nonsensical things instead?
Perhaps because your father has dementia, but who am I to know.
A bald guy ducked under a sagging streamer that said, "Class of '95, About to Come Alive," threw open his arms, and grinned as he stutter-stepped up to Cameron in black dress shoes that were out of place with his jeans.
A streamer? Streamers don't say anything. Banners say things. Who edited this?
"You can't go now, bud, we've got five jobs on the front burner. They're jumping off the stove, they're so hot. I'm supposed to shoot, edit, write, and do the voice work all by myself? Oh, that's right, I forgot, I don't do voice work. And I can't animate like you can. But other than that, sure, count me in for a 120-hour week. Sign me up, lock and load, make it happin' captain." Brandon did a bad version of The Twist.
"Stop."
"Huh, what? Say again. One more time?"
"Stop talking. Now. You're not funny and your dancing makes you look like you've got the dry heaves."
Brandon did a bad version of The Twist that made him look like he was dry heaving.
He shouldn't worry about it. If he ever got serious about the idea again, Jessie would probably swoop down from heaven or wherever she was, stop him and say, "How can you think about destroying your life? You have a destiny. One that no other life can fill. Live free, Aragorn."
A king that loses his mind. Yeah, what a great tale that would be.
It worked pretty good for that Theoden King guy. Also: his dead wife's nickname for him was Aragorn. Because… he… it's never explained. You'd think that this sort of nickname would have a tiny explanation to it. But, whatevs, man we have a well written story to produce, no time to fill it out with boring insights into the main character's personality or appearance.
The main character goes to Three Peaks, the town his father grew up in, and where "The Book of Ages" is, he thinks. So immediately upon coming into town, instead of trying to be careful about what he's doing and looking for, he decides to just go right out and say he's looking for something that his dying wife and dying father both told him to look for, a mysterious Book of Ages. And instead of the mayor of town pretending he'd never heard of it he goes, "I know what you're asking about but I won't tell you and you shouldn't go around asking about it." Who are these people?
P.S. - The mayor of the town is named Kirk. The main character is Cameron. Kirk Cameron. Kirk "The Banana Proves the Existence of God" Cameron. Yes. It all makes sense now.
Cameron grabbed his notepad and started writing. Why was Arnold driving him to talk to this Taylor Stone? He didn't think it was Peasley's altruism. And why hadn't Kirk Gillum mentioned the guy?
Because Kirk Gillum was pointedly telling you to not ask people in town about The Book of Days. Why in the world would he tell you who to ask about it?
"Don't insult me." The man laughed. "News travels in a small town even faster than Twitter."
:|
"I served in Vietnam." Jason twirled his knife around on the table with his forefinger. "I dispatched men there. I would be a formidable collaborator."
I can kill men! This isn't a threat at all!
LET'S SEE HOW MANY HORRIBLE PRODUCTS AND SERVICES WE CAN CRAM INTO ONE BOOK, THE VIDEO, THE GAME, THE ANIME, THE LIST:
As soon as he got back to his car, he pulled up Safari on his iPhone and went to www.whitepages.com.
Taylor took off his wire-rimmed glasses and cleaned them on his 501 Levis.
After creating a mix of Diet Mountain Dew, Cherry Coke, and raspberry iced tea, Ann waited for her two new friends to pick up their sandwiches.
First I am expected to believe that the little, in-a-town-of-1700-people deli has Diet Mountain Dew, a drink that nobody would ever choose to drink. Then I am expected to believe that not only do they carry Pepsi products that nobody wants to drink, but they also carry Coke products, and thus have to deal with two totally different soda distributors.
Cameron took a swig of Mountain Dew.
Kirk moved back around the counter and opened a small refrigerator. "I've got Diet Mountain Dew; that's about it."
Why.
At the end of the next block was the Ponderosa Lodge Best Western.
The town of 1700 has a Best Western.
Ann offered him a bottle of Powerade from her climbing pack and he accepted.
She walked over to her pack and grabbed two PowerBars.
She grabbed her iPod and put Josh Groban's crooning on hold and looked for cover.
"From what Google and Facebook tell me, the two of you were close."
Least threatening statement by a villain ever.
My dearest Mr. Cameron,
I hope you have enjoyed our hospitality during your short visit to our town. If you don't leave within the next day, and instead choose to prolong your unwarranted escapade here, the consequences will be, shall we say, disagreeable.
Regards,
A friend
Worst. Threatening. Letter. Ever.
Progress on finding the book was moving like a glacier, and he still had no gut feeling one way or another if it would turn out to be the answer to all his hopes or an illusion that would leave his soul even emptier than it felt right now.
This doesn't seem like a particularly terrible sentence. Until you realize that he is thinking this on Saturday morning after arriving in town late on Tuesday meaning he's only spent three whole days and a couple hours on Tuesday searching for a magical book of legend. And in that time he has met with at least four different people with knowledge of the book, learned about his father's childhood, had a threatening letter telling him to leave town, gone to a town meeting called by the leader of a religion founded on finding the location of The Book of Ages, and has located who he believes is the guy in town who is "The Book of Day's key master." So he's gone from thinking it's a fever dream of his dying father's to something real and knowing who knows about it. In less than four days. GLACIAL SPEED.
Thanks for the torture, Book of Days Author.
No comment.
No, he'd be the first member on your Book of Days Facebook fan page."
No, nobody should be that.
The boards on the deck squealed as Cameron walked across them, announcing his arrival as loudly as the mermaid wind chime would have if a wind had been blowing.
No, that's not how wind chimes work, mermaid or no. Wind chimes do not function as doorbells.
The climb was listed as a 5.9 in Spectacular Northwest Climbs, but it seemed closer to a 5.10.
What does this mean. Why would I be expected to know? This tells me absolutely nothing. WITHOUT A REFERENCE THESE NUMBERS ARE MEANINGLESS. "The cheese sandwich was a V3 according to Midwest Cheesery Monthly, though Giselle felt it deserved a W3." "His hairdo was listed as a 4.21a upkeep in Fashionable Gentleman's Coiffure, but he felt it was more of a 4.21b." THIS MAKES JUST AS MUCH SENSE TO 98% OF YOUR READERS.
Cameron sat in Java Jump Start on Saturday morning tapping his foot in doubletime waiting for Ann to arrive, wishing for a better camera than the one on his cell phone. One iPhone with a two-year contract? $99. A Three Peaks white chocolate mocha? $3.75. The look on Ann's face when he told her what he'd found? Priceless.
OH GOD, MY EYES. IT BURNS. IT BURNS. WHY CAN'T THERE BE SOME GAY SUBTEXT TO DISTRACT ME FROM THE ACTUAL WRITING. OH GOD.
She'd always been good at seeing the story behind the story, the mark of a good investigative reporter and television host. If she was right in this case, Taylor had a story going on so deep, she wouldn't be surprised to find Jules Verne at the bottom of it.
1. You had absolutely no clue, until the main character told you, that your uncle was your uncle. You couldn't put any of the clues together whatsoever on your own.
2. Jules Verne wrote 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. He didn't live 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Or are you making a terrible, terrible pun? You're making a pun, aren't you? I hate you.
Taylor looked at her with one eyebrow raised and one eye closed.
"That's a good look."
What.
Cameron only has two weeks to find this Book of Days before he has to go back to work, and instead of finding it, he's now spent at least three or four mornings in going Rock Climbing. Obsessively. One time his not-love-love-interest Ann almost died. And then they went rock climbing like three days later. What is with all of this stupid rock climbing.
Cameron is shown the location of The Book of Days. But he has no idea what he's being shown. At all. The guy who knows takes him to a specific location, tells him to look at the mountains, and Cameron notices a special shadow that is worth pointing out as special and different and appearing to POINT TO A LOCATION and he goes, "WHAT DID YOU JUST SHOW ME?" Somehow I am supposed to believe this guy can figure anything out. He can't. He deserves to die of dementia just like his father.
"Climbing is life, Cameron. Figure it out. At a certain point you'll have to go beyond climbing 5.10s and risk climbing 5.11s, 12s, 13s. Whether it's with me or someone else."
Yeah, Cameron. You'll have to do those numbers that mean absolutely nothing to 98% of the people who will read this book. This is a really important moment for you, I'm so glad I could express it so clearly.
"What do you mean we couldn't ever be together?"
"You know why."
"Enlighten me."
"My whole life centers around Jesus."
"So."
"Yours doesn't at all. It's not exactly a match made in . . . you know."
Actually, your whole life appears to center around trying to not fall in love with Cameron (and failing at it) and rock climbing. But hey, what do I know.
"Time to connect the dots." Ann grinned at him, hands on hips, sunglasses dangling from a cord around her neck.
"Apparently you're providing the pencil?"
"I am, and the pencil is a number ten out of ten. I found what I was looking for. And you will like it. A lot." She bounced on the balls of her feet and rubbed her hands together like she was starting a fire.
The pencil is a number ten out of ten??? Wouldn't a number ten pencil be like trying to draw with lead made out of butter? Or is she saying that the pencil is perfect? Why is the pencil that amazing? Also, I wasn't aware that bouncing on one's feet was something done while starting a fire.
"Buddy, you roll your pupils at me again and I'll whack-smack you so hard, you won't remember tomorrow." Ann looked like she was trying to keep the grin off her face but failed.
Cameron gasped. The exact words Jessie used to use when they were bantering back and forth and she wanted to make a point stick.
You roll your pupils at me again and I'll whack-smack you so hard, you won't remember tomorrow. Who talks like this. How am I supposed to believe that two people talk like this?
But Ann was blowing up his steel-enforced walls with everything she said and did.
Steel-reinforced walls? Or is the steel somehow causing the walls to follow some sort of regulation? DID NO ONE COPY-EDIT THIS BEFORE THE PUBLISHERS PRINTED IT OFF?
Cameron broke into a sprint as the man ambled down a side street, then ducked behind the Grand Palace Hotel.
There is nothing wrong with this, beyond one simple fact. We are informed that this is a town of 1700 people. It already has a Best Western (somehow the middle of nowhere mountain town in Oregon has a Best Western and a trendy coffee shop) and now it has a downtown hotel. I call shenanigans.
"Did I tell you I have a photographic memory?"
Cameron hesitated. Did she? "I don't think so."
"It doesn't always work for remembering conversations or places I've been or people I've met, but with photos and papers I've seen and things I've read, I retain 90 to 95 percent of what I see."
Then you do not have a photographic memory.
Okay so they walk into a secret room with a hidden door and the door is 2 feet by 6 feet. They had previously walked through a secret passageway that was described as only 1 foot by 5 feet. Inside of this room is a book that is 5 feet by 10 feet. The book is described as being an actual book with a leather cover and pages. The pages are all blank. It is not the Book of Days. A character explains: " There is an old Native American legend in Central Oregon that tells of a book of stories of every man's life. So I've always guessed that settlers from the early- to mid-1800s learned of the myth, tied it to Psalm 139:16, and created this book to symbolize their beliefs."
THIS IS ALL AWFUL. I am expected to believe that a 5x10 book was taken down a 1x5 passageway OR that a sub-basement level room was built and the book installed, and then passageway was built around the book. That's an extremely tough pill to swallow but FINE if you never wanted your book to ever leave your sub-basement ever again FINE. But then I am expected that a bunch of settlers in 1850 Oregon had access to sheets of paper that were 5x10 feet large. SHENANIGANS. There is NO WAY a bunch of people who had just made the Oregon Trail trek would have had access to paper and leather in such massive quantities that they would make A BOOK THIS SIZE. And yet these people just swallow this like it's totally plausible.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE.
They find ANOTHER SECRET ROOM. And inside? " Page after page was filled with scrawled notes on how to make leather look and feel hundreds of years old, how to hand-make parchment paper to look hundreds of years old, and notes of the fonts used in the early eighteenth century."
Early eighteenth-century fonts would be from the 1700s, not the 1800s. Now I am expected to believe that this guy, in his spare time, made 5 foot by 10 foot sheets of PARCHMENT PAPER. ON HIS OWN.
1. Parchment paper is SOMETHING USED IN COOKING. IT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU WRITE ON.
2. Parchment is made from COW, SHEEP, OR GOAT SKIN.
So. Either this guy made paper or he made parchment but he didn't make parchment paper. I'm going to say that he made paper because there is NO WAY he had 5x10 sized ANIMAL SKINS. The guy worked at a newspaper, but newspaper paper is in no way similar to parchment or book paper. You could not fake up giant rolls of newspaper paper to look right. So this means he hand made sheets of paper that were 5x10. SHENANIGANS. This guy BUILT A SECRET ROOM TO HOUSE A FAKE BOOK HE MADE... SO HE COULD... HAVE PEOPLE BREAK INTO HIS RESTAURANT... TO LOOK AT HIS FAKE BOOK. I DON'T. WHY. WHY. WHY. THE BUILDING IS THIRTY YEARS OLD, WHICH MEANS THAT THESE BOOK-NOTES ARE ALMOST THREE DECADES OLD WHY ARE THEY STILL HERE. UNLESS HE BUILT THE BOOK IN THE ROOM AT THE END OF THE HALL WITH ALL OF HIS PAPER MAKING SUPPLIES THAT HE TOOK DOWN VIA A LADDER BECAUSE THERE IS NO STAIRCASE TO THIS PLACE, ONLY A TRAPDOOR ASDF:LJKADSF:LKADSF:LKADSJKASDGF:HASDG:LJKADSF
"I felt Him." He frowned at Taylor, then smiled. "I felt God. He was . . . in me."
Taking quotes out of context is fun.
And it turns out that the evil mastermind of the book isn't the New Age Prophet guy, but instead it's KIRK GILLUM. I should have seen it coming when I realized that the main character was named Cameron. Kirk Cameron. Kirk vs. Cameron. I hate this book. Kirk has had three scenes in the book, total. The initial one, another one where Cameron runs across him ~by accident~ and then this one, in addition to a bunch of "you're supposed to think it's the New Age Leader even though everything is anonymous" scenes where someone is thinking about killing everyone. It turns out that Jason the prophet was just KIRK'S FRONTMAN. WHAT A GREAT PLOT DEVELOPMENT. I AM SO GLAD THAT WE LEARNED ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT THE STORY'S ACTUAL ANTAGONIST, AND THAT THE ANTAGONIST DOESN'T DO ANYTHING UNTIL THE BOOK'S PENULTIMATE CHAPTER. I especially loved how THE EVIL KIRK is defeated by THE MYSTERIOUS NATIVE AMERICAN MYSTIC. No, I'm totally not making this up.
The Book of Days is actually a lake that reflects different points in time. It's described as "It seemed so real. The clarity was better than HDTV could ever hope for." Yes. HDTV. There we go.
Cameron is shown a future where he is ALONE AND WATCHING TV ALL DAY and ANN IS DIVORCED or a future where he is HAPPY AND MARRIED TO ANN. WHICH ONE WILL HE CHOOSE? I HAVE NO IDEA.
Oh wait he chooses to be with Ann. WHAT A TWIST.
THE END
This book was bad but it was less awful than the previous one, mostly because while there were a good deal of God moments, none of them were as laser-focused and bible-versy as Rooms. The emphasis was much less on GOD IS ALTERING THE WORLD TO TURN ME INTO A CHRISTIAN and more of a "wow God made this thing lets go find it and in the end I will come to believe in God because he physically manifested as a glowing ball of light and love above a lake that shows the past and the present in its surface." This is still not very good.
Also, there was not any homosexual-subplots running around where Cameron spends his time lusting after a guy whose name is one letter away from Dick. The writing was as awful, however. So there is that.