Vday: fic: Thirty Hours (SGA)
Written for rageprufrock's 14 Valentines challenge. Please consider donating money and/or time to Vday.org or another women's charity, local or global. Please also visit lilliebelle2007's and rageprufrock's 14 Valentines posts--lots of good and helpful links therein.
Title: Thirty Hours
Author: siegeofangels
Fandom: SGA
Rated PG-13 for language and humorous genderswitch situations
Disclaimer: Stargate: Atlantis is the property of someone not me. No copyright infringement is intended.
Note: I'm aware that this is unadulterated crack, and that it reads like the trailer to an Adam Sandler movie. That's probably for the best.
Summary: Rodney had grabbed the silver device and was turning it over and over in his hands, probably looking for the button that would take them out of Opposite Land.
00:00:00
John thought on the instant he touched the device, ready to say, "It's a hot water bottle" or "Kids' toy. Look, I can make it play the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies," and go back to his actual work. Instead, there was an altogether different feeling, starting in his toes and working its way up. McKay was still touching the device, and John frowned at him.
"Do you feel that?" John said. "Kind of like a tingling?"
Rodney's face went into panic mode. "Yeah, I . . . oh, crap," he said, and on the last word his voice slid a couple of octaves up and a couple of inches down, and John blinked at him and realized that the eyes staring back were framed by a softer, rounder, most definitely feminine face.
So. Not a hot water bottle, then.
John looked down at himself: slight curves in a too-large uniform.
Rodney had grabbed the silver device and was turning it over and over in his hands, probably looking for the button that would take them out of Opposite Land. "Oh God, oh God, oh God, what did you do?"
"Me?" John said, standard indignation, but his voice much higher than he'd expected and then the panic hit him and he started patting himself down. Oh, God, patting himself down, rounded where he should be flat; extra parts, parts missing: "Yeah, I disappeared my dick on purpose, what do you think I did?"
From somewhere behind him came the high-pitched, hysterical laughter of Radek Zelenka.
Rodney was scowling, and the sight of that expression on a woman's face was climbing the ranks of Disturbing Sights in the Life of John Sheppard, easily passing brain sandwiches and rounding in on Ronon doing laundry.
"Temporary," Rodney was saying to the device, "please tell me it's temporary, do not make me live like this."
Rodney's earpiece had fallen off and he fumbled for it, overbalanced, and fell on his ass on the floor, yelling into the radio for Carson.
John pressed delicate fingers to the bridge of his nose.
***
00:10:00
When Carson arrived, both of them were crowded around a laptop, feverishly searching the Ancient database for "Gender, untimely changing of."
"All right, where's Rodney?" Carson said. "He was having hysterics like a girl."
"Funny you should say that," Rodney said, swiveling his chair around like Dr. Claw.
To his credit, Carson managed not to also scream like a girl. Not to his credit, he didn't manage to keep from laughing.
***
00:20:00
Some joker had put up a sign in the hallway outside the lab that said Atlantis has proudly gone [12] days without an accident involving Ancient technology, and John ripped the number off as he strode past on the way to the infirmary, Rodney sashaying behind him, muttering, "Damn these hips."
***
00:30:00
" . . . always said if I kept touching it it'd fall off." Rodney hiked himself up onto an exam table. It took him three tries and a sort of flying leap.
"I'd rather be blind," John said fervently.
***
02:00:00
"Will be thirty hours--twenty-eight by now, more or less," said Zelenka. "Due to slight fluctuation in length of Atlantean day over time."
Elizabeth was making a valient effort at not smiling. "All right, go ahead and take the next couple of days off. Check in with Carson with any changes."
***
06:00:00
"It's not fair," John said, looking down. "You'd think that if I had to be a woman for a day I'd at least get tits out of the deal." He looked at Rodney, who had done quite respectfully for himself.
Rodney noticed the look and crossed his arms over his chest awkwardly. "No," he said.
"You don't know what I was going to say!" protested John.
"Yes, I do," Rodney said, "and no, you may not touch my breasts."
John rolled his eyes and started the movie.
***
16:00:00
After breakfast, Teyla dragged him off to practice hand-to-hand and to get used to moving in his new body. John hoped desperately that he wouldn't be in any fight-or-flight situations anytime soon, but if the Pegasus Galaxy had taught him anything, it was that when you had to run, you had to run now, so he sighed and joined Teyla in the gym to have his ass kicked even more thoroughly than usual.
"Okay, not my fault," John said, panting. "I'm two inches shorter than I'm supposed to be."
Teyla raised an eyebrow delicately in a way that made John wonder what it looked like when he did it. "And your enemies will make allowances? Try again. You are moving slightly more quickly now; use it to your advantage."
John lunged.
***
27:00:00
Because John's life was perfect, Lorne's team was captured by hostile mofos on M3X-972, and there were so many other people laid up with what they had started calling the Martian death flu that it was, of course, up to him to go rescue them.
It was no big deal: he would be fine going in like this. The straps of the thigh holster just went a little bit tighter, that was all, John thought as he holstered his sidearm.
Rodney was wide-eyed and silent, enough so that John was slightly alarmed and said, worried, "What?"
Rodney shook his head quickly as though to clear it. "Nothing," he said to John, and turned to the Marines. "If Lara Croft here is ready, we can go."
***
30:00:00
John's watch beeped.
"Women?" Sundog said. "Your people send women? We do not negotiate with women."
"Okay," John said, and damn he sounded bitchy, "first of all, we're not exactly here to negotiate, and second--"
Sundog went for John; John tried to hit him, misjudged the distance, and ended up with his arms held quite tightly.
"Now," said Sundog, showing his teeth, inlaid with red stones, "you will see what we do with women."
That was fucking humiliating, and John was considering an undignified Scarlett O'Hara stomp on the instep, when he felt a tingle start in his toes.
John went very, very still, looked up at Sundog through his eyelashes and said, light and breathy and smiling, "Want to see a trick?"
Title: Thirty Hours
Author: siegeofangels
Fandom: SGA
Rated PG-13 for language and humorous genderswitch situations
Disclaimer: Stargate: Atlantis is the property of someone not me. No copyright infringement is intended.
Note: I'm aware that this is unadulterated crack, and that it reads like the trailer to an Adam Sandler movie. That's probably for the best.
Summary: Rodney had grabbed the silver device and was turning it over and over in his hands, probably looking for the button that would take them out of Opposite Land.
00:00:00
John thought on the instant he touched the device, ready to say, "It's a hot water bottle" or "Kids' toy. Look, I can make it play the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies," and go back to his actual work. Instead, there was an altogether different feeling, starting in his toes and working its way up. McKay was still touching the device, and John frowned at him.
"Do you feel that?" John said. "Kind of like a tingling?"
Rodney's face went into panic mode. "Yeah, I . . . oh, crap," he said, and on the last word his voice slid a couple of octaves up and a couple of inches down, and John blinked at him and realized that the eyes staring back were framed by a softer, rounder, most definitely feminine face.
So. Not a hot water bottle, then.
John looked down at himself: slight curves in a too-large uniform.
Rodney had grabbed the silver device and was turning it over and over in his hands, probably looking for the button that would take them out of Opposite Land. "Oh God, oh God, oh God, what did you do?"
"Me?" John said, standard indignation, but his voice much higher than he'd expected and then the panic hit him and he started patting himself down. Oh, God, patting himself down, rounded where he should be flat; extra parts, parts missing: "Yeah, I disappeared my dick on purpose, what do you think I did?"
From somewhere behind him came the high-pitched, hysterical laughter of Radek Zelenka.
Rodney was scowling, and the sight of that expression on a woman's face was climbing the ranks of Disturbing Sights in the Life of John Sheppard, easily passing brain sandwiches and rounding in on Ronon doing laundry.
"Temporary," Rodney was saying to the device, "please tell me it's temporary, do not make me live like this."
Rodney's earpiece had fallen off and he fumbled for it, overbalanced, and fell on his ass on the floor, yelling into the radio for Carson.
John pressed delicate fingers to the bridge of his nose.
***
00:10:00
When Carson arrived, both of them were crowded around a laptop, feverishly searching the Ancient database for "Gender, untimely changing of."
"All right, where's Rodney?" Carson said. "He was having hysterics like a girl."
"Funny you should say that," Rodney said, swiveling his chair around like Dr. Claw.
To his credit, Carson managed not to also scream like a girl. Not to his credit, he didn't manage to keep from laughing.
***
00:20:00
Some joker had put up a sign in the hallway outside the lab that said Atlantis has proudly gone [12] days without an accident involving Ancient technology, and John ripped the number off as he strode past on the way to the infirmary, Rodney sashaying behind him, muttering, "Damn these hips."
***
00:30:00
" . . . always said if I kept touching it it'd fall off." Rodney hiked himself up onto an exam table. It took him three tries and a sort of flying leap.
"I'd rather be blind," John said fervently.
***
02:00:00
"Will be thirty hours--twenty-eight by now, more or less," said Zelenka. "Due to slight fluctuation in length of Atlantean day over time."
Elizabeth was making a valient effort at not smiling. "All right, go ahead and take the next couple of days off. Check in with Carson with any changes."
***
06:00:00
"It's not fair," John said, looking down. "You'd think that if I had to be a woman for a day I'd at least get tits out of the deal." He looked at Rodney, who had done quite respectfully for himself.
Rodney noticed the look and crossed his arms over his chest awkwardly. "No," he said.
"You don't know what I was going to say!" protested John.
"Yes, I do," Rodney said, "and no, you may not touch my breasts."
John rolled his eyes and started the movie.
***
16:00:00
After breakfast, Teyla dragged him off to practice hand-to-hand and to get used to moving in his new body. John hoped desperately that he wouldn't be in any fight-or-flight situations anytime soon, but if the Pegasus Galaxy had taught him anything, it was that when you had to run, you had to run now, so he sighed and joined Teyla in the gym to have his ass kicked even more thoroughly than usual.
"Okay, not my fault," John said, panting. "I'm two inches shorter than I'm supposed to be."
Teyla raised an eyebrow delicately in a way that made John wonder what it looked like when he did it. "And your enemies will make allowances? Try again. You are moving slightly more quickly now; use it to your advantage."
John lunged.
***
27:00:00
Because John's life was perfect, Lorne's team was captured by hostile mofos on M3X-972, and there were so many other people laid up with what they had started calling the Martian death flu that it was, of course, up to him to go rescue them.
It was no big deal: he would be fine going in like this. The straps of the thigh holster just went a little bit tighter, that was all, John thought as he holstered his sidearm.
Rodney was wide-eyed and silent, enough so that John was slightly alarmed and said, worried, "What?"
Rodney shook his head quickly as though to clear it. "Nothing," he said to John, and turned to the Marines. "If Lara Croft here is ready, we can go."
***
30:00:00
John's watch beeped.
"Women?" Sundog said. "Your people send women? We do not negotiate with women."
"Okay," John said, and damn he sounded bitchy, "first of all, we're not exactly here to negotiate, and second--"
Sundog went for John; John tried to hit him, misjudged the distance, and ended up with his arms held quite tightly.
"Now," said Sundog, showing his teeth, inlaid with red stones, "you will see what we do with women."
That was fucking humiliating, and John was considering an undignified Scarlett O'Hara stomp on the instep, when he felt a tingle start in his toes.
John went very, very still, looked up at Sundog through his eyelashes and said, light and breathy and smiling, "Want to see a trick?"