One word in exchange for happiness...
Title: One word in exchange for happiness.
Pairing: RyoDa
Rating: G
Genre: Angst
Warning: None
Summary: Everyone thoughts that he, Nishikido have everything in this world but...
Disclaimer: This is Ryo POV..
Everyday is the same if you do not have a special someone. A special someone that puts color into your dull life. This is exactly what happen to a man name Nishikido Ryo. His life is basically complete if we look at it physically but what everyone does not know even the one closest to him is that he suffered internally, mentally. He desperately craved for the feeling of belonging and owning. Put in simple words, he yearns for love. Yes love. A simple four alphabet which does not means anything if we separate it but when it joins together; it will create a miracle which cannot be compared with anything in the world.
Most might think that he, Nishikido Ryo have all the love in the world but what everyone does not know is that he always felt lonely and felt out of place even though he is together with those who is closest to him. He tried to fish off the insecurities feeling that he felt in his heart for far too many times before, and all his effort was in vain, instead, the insecurities and uneasiness feeling inside him increase together with the number of his attempt.
What was known to him is that only one person who can see through him. He can read him like an open book. Ryo was furious about that person since he does not like it when people knows what he actually feels and thinking so he solve the matter using the harsh way which creates a new legend in his workplace.
Every time he would see the said person he will give harsh comment on him so that the said person do not have any time to read him since the said person will be busy accepting or recoiling his harsh words. He would do this until both of them will start off a cat-and-dog fight and their friends would have to break them off. When nobody is around, he still continue doing his matter towards the said person but not up to extend of fighting since the said person will run away from him.
This have been gone for almost a year until their boss want to make it on-stage since he said this would increase the rating of the show. So I have done my part seriously till extend that I can’t stand a day without bickering with him. We still continue on our bickering until one day everything went wrong. I didn’t see the said person for more than a month now. It’s not that I’ve been busy with work at Osaka but even when I’m at Tokyo, I still didn’t see him even though I met all of his band mate.
I know this might sounds crazy to most people but deep down in my heart, I felt lonely again when I didn’t get to see him. During the period when I am able to see him and bickering with him, all my worries, insecurities and loneliness just flew out of the window and I totally forgot about the mental illness that been bugging me since forever. Now, when he is no where to reach, I realize how important he is in my life.
Everything is too late now. I have caused too much sadness to the said person and nothing can be done for me to be with the said person. I blamed myself for not realizing this fact sooner. I blamed myself for causing too much damage on the said person. How I wish I was able to turn back time and change everything for better. Now I truly regret for hating the fact that someone is able to read my minds.
I stop trying to see him since I know it will be useless since the said person always runs away from me and the said person done a very good job in doing so. I never across the said person while we are practically in the same building for twenty-four-seven, not even his shadow can be seen.
Everyday, after working my ass out, I will open my laptop and play some video with the said person in it. I wonder how a person can smile so innocently and act so simple-minded when in front of a lenses while the real person always look so serious that looks like nothing else mattered except working. Seeing the bright smile lessen my loneliness a bit and every night, I will drifted to the dreamland accompanied with a song entitled Love in Snow.
Sometimes, I cried myself to sleep when I am thinking of how stupid and idiot I behave when the promising happiness is right in front of me. The insecurities and loneliness feeling causing me to be overwhelm by darkness and not seeing the light. Such a foolish human being should not be allowed to live in this world.
What was not known to me is that each day, my behaviors of blaming myself and regretting have starting to show some effect on my appearance and work. I keep on lagging in work and I always fall sick. This caused most of my colleague to be worried. One time, I’ve been hospitalized for being unconscious during my dance routine. My entire colleague came to visit including all the members in the said person group but the said person never came. I put some hope seeing the said person come visiting me during the period when I was hospitalized till the point that I was leaving the front door of the hospital but he never show up. Now I felt more and more worthless since the said person obviously does not care and have completely ignored me.
I realized that i I totally wasted my one and only key to happiness. Now, I need to go on my life without the promising happiness and being thrown back again to the depth of darkness .I wonder if I able to continue being like for the rest of my life, heck I even wonder if I can stay like this for another second. Negative thoughts filled me each time and I started to hear sounds and see hallucination of the said person insulting me for being worthless person. Even though it was just an illusion and I am being delusional, the words said by the said person still cut deep into my heart. The thought of ending my life keep on repeating in my head and I cannot stand the atmosphere anymore. Watching the said person video and listening to his songs does not cause any good to me anymore, in fact it worsen my condition.
I started to skip my work and my boss is starting to get notice of my weird and least enthusiasm towards work lately. My boss suspended me until the day when the old me is coming out again which I do not know who is the one my boss mentioning. I in the past, present and future will always be the same. I can never change because I have lost the chance to change. I can only live in shame and never dream of happiness ever again.
I have been suspended for 3 months. Everyone keep on coming to my apartment to cheer me up but the said person never came. Not even once. I grew to hate myself even more under those circumstances and I have reached my final determination. Today is the day where Nishikido Ryo will be forgotten by the rest of the world. Today is the where I reset everything in the world that I should never exist. I went to my kitchen and I pick one of my kitchen knives. Gently, I graced the sharp baled at my left wrist. I gathered all my courage on slicing the vein which is visible there and anticipating for the divine pain to come but none of the things happen. Instead, I saw the knife is being thrown far away from me and I am being embraced by someone. The person hugs me too tightly that I am unable to tell who is the one stopping me from ending my life.
I try to break away from the person embrace but the person is too strong for me. I let the person embrace me for a while until the person is calmed enough to release me from his arms. Once the grip of the person arm weakens, I quickly break away from the person and take a good look to the person face. I cannot believe what I am seeing as the said person is the one stopped me from my attempt suicide. I saw the said person eyes is red and tears still streaming down on the beautiful silken skin. Shocked is an understatement to describe how I felt now but nothing can compare to the feeling of guiltiness that overwhelms me when I see those puffy-red eyes. My mind went blank and I can’t think of anything. All the things that I want to say to the said person was at lost and all that I can muster right now was only a single word “Sorry”. How stupid am I to think that such single and simple word sorry can change everything. Can give me the happiness that I ever wanted. Can give the love that I always yearn for.
But, I never get the chance to say another word as I saw the cute innocent smile slowly creeping sweetly on the said person face. That is when I know that nothing is needed to be said, no explanation is required as I was forgiven. A single word happened to be the key for my happiness. How grateful I am for such words exist in the world. Now, I am able to look forward and live every single day together with Tatsuya.
____Gomen for the broken english..This just pop into my mind when i suppose to be studying for my mid term exam..n when i show to my lil sis, she recommend me to post it so here it is..so comments are welcome but please dun be too harsh on me since i'm still new in writing...hehehe____
Pairing: RyoDa
Rating: G
Genre: Angst
Warning: None
Summary: Everyone thoughts that he, Nishikido have everything in this world but...
Disclaimer: This is Ryo POV..
Everyday is the same if you do not have a special someone. A special someone that puts color into your dull life. This is exactly what happen to a man name Nishikido Ryo. His life is basically complete if we look at it physically but what everyone does not know even the one closest to him is that he suffered internally, mentally. He desperately craved for the feeling of belonging and owning. Put in simple words, he yearns for love. Yes love. A simple four alphabet which does not means anything if we separate it but when it joins together; it will create a miracle which cannot be compared with anything in the world.
Most might think that he, Nishikido Ryo have all the love in the world but what everyone does not know is that he always felt lonely and felt out of place even though he is together with those who is closest to him. He tried to fish off the insecurities feeling that he felt in his heart for far too many times before, and all his effort was in vain, instead, the insecurities and uneasiness feeling inside him increase together with the number of his attempt.
What was known to him is that only one person who can see through him. He can read him like an open book. Ryo was furious about that person since he does not like it when people knows what he actually feels and thinking so he solve the matter using the harsh way which creates a new legend in his workplace.
Every time he would see the said person he will give harsh comment on him so that the said person do not have any time to read him since the said person will be busy accepting or recoiling his harsh words. He would do this until both of them will start off a cat-and-dog fight and their friends would have to break them off. When nobody is around, he still continue doing his matter towards the said person but not up to extend of fighting since the said person will run away from him.
This have been gone for almost a year until their boss want to make it on-stage since he said this would increase the rating of the show. So I have done my part seriously till extend that I can’t stand a day without bickering with him. We still continue on our bickering until one day everything went wrong. I didn’t see the said person for more than a month now. It’s not that I’ve been busy with work at Osaka but even when I’m at Tokyo, I still didn’t see him even though I met all of his band mate.
I know this might sounds crazy to most people but deep down in my heart, I felt lonely again when I didn’t get to see him. During the period when I am able to see him and bickering with him, all my worries, insecurities and loneliness just flew out of the window and I totally forgot about the mental illness that been bugging me since forever. Now, when he is no where to reach, I realize how important he is in my life.
Everything is too late now. I have caused too much sadness to the said person and nothing can be done for me to be with the said person. I blamed myself for not realizing this fact sooner. I blamed myself for causing too much damage on the said person. How I wish I was able to turn back time and change everything for better. Now I truly regret for hating the fact that someone is able to read my minds.
I stop trying to see him since I know it will be useless since the said person always runs away from me and the said person done a very good job in doing so. I never across the said person while we are practically in the same building for twenty-four-seven, not even his shadow can be seen.
Everyday, after working my ass out, I will open my laptop and play some video with the said person in it. I wonder how a person can smile so innocently and act so simple-minded when in front of a lenses while the real person always look so serious that looks like nothing else mattered except working. Seeing the bright smile lessen my loneliness a bit and every night, I will drifted to the dreamland accompanied with a song entitled Love in Snow.
Sometimes, I cried myself to sleep when I am thinking of how stupid and idiot I behave when the promising happiness is right in front of me. The insecurities and loneliness feeling causing me to be overwhelm by darkness and not seeing the light. Such a foolish human being should not be allowed to live in this world.
What was not known to me is that each day, my behaviors of blaming myself and regretting have starting to show some effect on my appearance and work. I keep on lagging in work and I always fall sick. This caused most of my colleague to be worried. One time, I’ve been hospitalized for being unconscious during my dance routine. My entire colleague came to visit including all the members in the said person group but the said person never came. I put some hope seeing the said person come visiting me during the period when I was hospitalized till the point that I was leaving the front door of the hospital but he never show up. Now I felt more and more worthless since the said person obviously does not care and have completely ignored me.
I realized that i I totally wasted my one and only key to happiness. Now, I need to go on my life without the promising happiness and being thrown back again to the depth of darkness .I wonder if I able to continue being like for the rest of my life, heck I even wonder if I can stay like this for another second. Negative thoughts filled me each time and I started to hear sounds and see hallucination of the said person insulting me for being worthless person. Even though it was just an illusion and I am being delusional, the words said by the said person still cut deep into my heart. The thought of ending my life keep on repeating in my head and I cannot stand the atmosphere anymore. Watching the said person video and listening to his songs does not cause any good to me anymore, in fact it worsen my condition.
I started to skip my work and my boss is starting to get notice of my weird and least enthusiasm towards work lately. My boss suspended me until the day when the old me is coming out again which I do not know who is the one my boss mentioning. I in the past, present and future will always be the same. I can never change because I have lost the chance to change. I can only live in shame and never dream of happiness ever again.
I have been suspended for 3 months. Everyone keep on coming to my apartment to cheer me up but the said person never came. Not even once. I grew to hate myself even more under those circumstances and I have reached my final determination. Today is the day where Nishikido Ryo will be forgotten by the rest of the world. Today is the where I reset everything in the world that I should never exist. I went to my kitchen and I pick one of my kitchen knives. Gently, I graced the sharp baled at my left wrist. I gathered all my courage on slicing the vein which is visible there and anticipating for the divine pain to come but none of the things happen. Instead, I saw the knife is being thrown far away from me and I am being embraced by someone. The person hugs me too tightly that I am unable to tell who is the one stopping me from ending my life.
I try to break away from the person embrace but the person is too strong for me. I let the person embrace me for a while until the person is calmed enough to release me from his arms. Once the grip of the person arm weakens, I quickly break away from the person and take a good look to the person face. I cannot believe what I am seeing as the said person is the one stopped me from my attempt suicide. I saw the said person eyes is red and tears still streaming down on the beautiful silken skin. Shocked is an understatement to describe how I felt now but nothing can compare to the feeling of guiltiness that overwhelms me when I see those puffy-red eyes. My mind went blank and I can’t think of anything. All the things that I want to say to the said person was at lost and all that I can muster right now was only a single word “Sorry”. How stupid am I to think that such single and simple word sorry can change everything. Can give me the happiness that I ever wanted. Can give the love that I always yearn for.
But, I never get the chance to say another word as I saw the cute innocent smile slowly creeping sweetly on the said person face. That is when I know that nothing is needed to be said, no explanation is required as I was forgiven. A single word happened to be the key for my happiness. How grateful I am for such words exist in the world. Now, I am able to look forward and live every single day together with Tatsuya.
____Gomen for the broken english..This just pop into my mind when i suppose to be studying for my mid term exam..n when i show to my lil sis, she recommend me to post it so here it is..so comments are welcome but please dun be too harsh on me since i'm still new in writing...hehehe____