Weird dream time!!
I had the most bizarre dream this morning and in an effort to understand my fractured mind and maybe record some of my prophetic ones, I'm trying to write this stuff down.
I started off in this room, like a carpeted basement only the ceilings weren't all that low. Maybe like a fire hall basement. Anyway, it was the beginning of Zumba class and I was standing up front talking to Liz, the instructor, and my friend Kim and her husband Paul (whom I work with). It was almost time to start and all of a sudden I had to pee, which I think was the point of all this, because I woke up and had to pee.
I walked out the doorway and into my mom's dining room, as if we were using the little room off to the side. I walked back to the bathroom off the kitchen and my mom was there folding clothes. I told her I had to go to the bathroom. She said "Aren't you going to be late? They're starting soon." I kind if brushed it off and said something about that everyone liked me anyway for having it at the house.
Then reality kind of filtered in a little. It occurred too me that it was weird how Liz had found my house without much help. I thought maybe she rode in with Kim. But how did Kim know where to go, at which point my brain reassured me that we had become good friends and done lots of stuff together and been to each others houses all the time. Also weird because I pictured the house in Buffalo, not Bethlehem, but somehow this all made sense.
I guess my brain changed it's mind, because then I suddenly got this back story of Kim saying they no place to hold it and asking me if they could do it at my house. And I was all like, sure kids, we have this great room and it'll be perfect! Then this stream of "memories" came back of people coming over and having Zumba in the little room for months and I was this little hero and everybody loved me. And then I woke up having to pee so bad my eyeballs were floating.
So, I'm a little concerned about how much being liked is involved in this. Especially since I try very hard not to give a shit. I do feel like this has a lot to do with how others perceive me.
I notice that I'm mainly concerned with people I like and want to like me too. Maybe this is just my anxiety about the Zumba cliches coming out. I feel like I've sort of been grouped in the "in circle" but not by the right people or for the right reasons, if that makes any sense. It's not because we're all such good buddies, but because I talk to people and got invited out for food and drinks a few times. You know, like regular friends.
I'm not an "exclusive group" kind of person and I struggle with that pretty regularly in a lot of different areas of my life. I feel like there are people that want exclusive groups and I get put in there because they like me. But I don't really want to exclude people and I feel bad when others aren't invited or miss out because they somehow didn't get notified. And sometimes it makes me wonder if I was supposed to be invited. Hello insecurities!!
Argh. It's really frustrating to still have these issues at 30. I think it's time to put on my big girl panties, act my age and ignore the bullshit. I don't know how I manage to attract all the people that like to make the drama.
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