Blessed are those days when I don't need to look for THE REASON.
When I am capable of enjoing simple things - clean room, cup of tea, two photos uploaded for contest, more contests found, do some work that others await from me - I do get paid for it after all...
I wish I had more days like today :).
A few days before that I was in a big doubt that there was any reason for me to even get up in the morning. Was there any reason for me not to get up? Nope. Just thinking too much I guess. Just looking too deep, digging too hard.
THings I dug a year or two ago don't make sense anymore. I wanted to believe in most of them, but they didn't survive the route I'm walking. The ones that stayed, I think they are here for a while. Those are normal things, nothing too outstanding - energy exercises (I just feel things, things are real, they are not the "SUPPOSE SO" things like "why are we here"), new diets, new hobbies, the real things that you do, see, taste, get results from.
And all those musings about Universe, Us, Me, Unity... I still believe in some part of all that I received and accepted, but a big chunk of it remained as nonsense. Nonsense that, I agree, might be true. But it might as well not be.
I won't go into detail. Just trying to describe the mental/emotional turmoil I'm going through most of the time (not today though! LOL, today I can talk about it!) of figuring out what simply... EXCITES me the most!
I used to be pretty excited about my education and work I did for different firms. I was extatic about computers and things I can make them do. Even more so about things that I wanted to learn how to make them do.
And now... from all I've read and done as an independent esoterical researcher (hahah) - it comes out that the world doesn't need my work. Really. And so it's not exciting anymore. Days when I'm in the office - are soooooo baaaad for my balance :). I come home extremelly tired from trying to keep that balance all day and not freak out.
On the other hand..
If all we need is LOVE - who is gonna pay me for that? How will it cover our mortgage and food and school tuition for a boy and flying lessons and camera stuff and all that travel that sooner or later I'm going to start doing a lot a lot?
I do need something exciting to do that pays, don't I? I can't just quit my job and LOVE the world - can I? May be I could, but that love just isn't strong enough to produce things my family needs to grow and function.
I told you to read at your own risk :). T.B.C.
I wish I had more days like today :).
A few days before that I was in a big doubt that there was any reason for me to even get up in the morning. Was there any reason for me not to get up? Nope. Just thinking too much I guess. Just looking too deep, digging too hard.
THings I dug a year or two ago don't make sense anymore. I wanted to believe in most of them, but they didn't survive the route I'm walking. The ones that stayed, I think they are here for a while. Those are normal things, nothing too outstanding - energy exercises (I just feel things, things are real, they are not the "SUPPOSE SO" things like "why are we here"), new diets, new hobbies, the real things that you do, see, taste, get results from.
And all those musings about Universe, Us, Me, Unity... I still believe in some part of all that I received and accepted, but a big chunk of it remained as nonsense. Nonsense that, I agree, might be true. But it might as well not be.
I won't go into detail. Just trying to describe the mental/emotional turmoil I'm going through most of the time (not today though! LOL, today I can talk about it!) of figuring out what simply... EXCITES me the most!
I used to be pretty excited about my education and work I did for different firms. I was extatic about computers and things I can make them do. Even more so about things that I wanted to learn how to make them do.
And now... from all I've read and done as an independent esoterical researcher (hahah) - it comes out that the world doesn't need my work. Really. And so it's not exciting anymore. Days when I'm in the office - are soooooo baaaad for my balance :). I come home extremelly tired from trying to keep that balance all day and not freak out.
On the other hand..
If all we need is LOVE - who is gonna pay me for that? How will it cover our mortgage and food and school tuition for a boy and flying lessons and camera stuff and all that travel that sooner or later I'm going to start doing a lot a lot?
I do need something exciting to do that pays, don't I? I can't just quit my job and LOVE the world - can I? May be I could, but that love just isn't strong enough to produce things my family needs to grow and function.
I told you to read at your own risk :). T.B.C.