Running out of space... Running out of time.
6/12/2002
Why is it so hard for me to describe what I feel... How I feel about him? How come I miss him and hate him at the same time? Is it because I miss arguing with him? Or is it because I hate missing him? How can someone behave like a jerk in such a sweet way? His smile, his deep brown eyes, his voice, his laughter... Why do I feel like my stomach is dancing tango when he touches my hand or when he pierces my mind with his gaze? Am I turning crazy or are there signs that he feels the same? Maybe crazy isn't the right word. Maybe I'm being more of a dreamer, or a believer... But then, why do I meet his gaze so often? Why does he leave his hand on mine whenever he shakes it and says "Good morning"? Why did he kiss my forehead the other day? Was he worried about me or just teasing (as usual) when he kept asking if I was feeling better when I had my knee injured? Did he mean what he said when he stated that he only cuts a piece of hair from someone he likes and that I was lucky he didn't have a scissor (lol)? Or that he only does that special scout's knot to someone, well, special and I ended up with one in my scarf...
Now I'm really trying to stop talking about him so much... It's getting suspicious. That’s why I'm writing this down, to see if I can get part of it out of my system. He will never know how I feel, at least not until I’m sure he feels the same way... unless there's a Natural Catastrophe and we'll die eventually I'm never going to tell anyone! It's my little secret and I'll never share my ridiculous thought because they are, in a way, real in my mind.
Does he love me? He probably doesn’t even think about me... At least as much as I think about him. So why do I care? Because I think I love him, in a stupid platonic kind of way, but I promise I'll never let it get to me! I’ll take my medication, I'll do therapy... I’m going to resist to his smile, to his gaze, to his incredibly sweet teasing... At least right then, when he’s teasing me, his attention is only mine. He's thinking only of me, and that will be enough…
3/4/2005
I almost lost him yesterday. I can't believe how close I was to loose him forever, to never look in his eyes again... ever see him smile. It’s funny how nature can teach us that she gives takes the living daylights out of us as she well pleases. Two seconds are enough for us to loose the people we love or to loose our own.
When I heard he was in a car accident my heart skipped a beat. Hell! It fell of and landed on top of the diaphragm. Then I heard he was okay and for the next half hour my mind assimilated and my heart was invaded by a feeling of safeness, of relief like the one you experience when you wake up from a bad, (BAD!) dream. Emotions towards him that I thought I had lost raced back into my chest at a pace I never thought possible.
_ So! How're you feeling? «I want to hold you but I'm afraid it will look silly.»
_The biggest scare of my life!
_But what the hell happened? «I want to make you feel better.»
_The car got out of hand when I turned, though I wasn't speeding. I wasn't lucky...
_What? You had an enormous amount of luck! You're alive and well...
_I know! But I could have gone against the rails, and then the car wouldn't have turned over. I was trying to stay in my hand. If it was a frontal collision... I don't even know if I...
_Just don't. Don't even think about that. «I'll start crying, please don't. How silly would that be?» I have to go now. Take care ok? «Love you...»
_Thanks, I will!
To top all of this renewed feeling I discovered, to add to the fact that whenever I thing about the accident my pulse increases I met his girlfriend. Perfect timing, hn? Well, she is simply gorgeous; I could never cope with that. And, for the love of God, She is so nice! Why do they have to be nice? I guess I have to loose this stupid habit of falling for the wrong guys... At least he is happy! (And alive!) I know that what happened years ago meant a lot to me, but it probably was a figure of my prolific imagination and love had nothing to do with it... but it still feels nice to stop and remember…
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