the first selection is surprising. I had so many different versions of that idea (the litany of last night's foul substances) that I invented, toyed with, threw out and came back to that I finally just left it as it is now. I wasn't completely pleased with what I finally settled on; if it's polished beryllium to you, it's good enough for me.
by contrast, the second set of lines was lifted straight from the draft. I was very surprised by how quickly it came out--when I started, I was just writing about pee; 10 minutes later, life/rebirth made its way in; 5 minutes later, that last sentence came to mind and with a loud (mental) FUCK YES! I pounded them into ink. when I re-wrote it a month later, I felt no need to change it. every word (from "to you" to "alive!") remained the same.
thank you for your kind comment; it's very reassuring to know that my writing is meaningful enough to be described as affecting. the comparison to Hemingway is beyond flattery.
hahaha i thought this was hilarious. i hope that's not a bad thing.
it's really good, though. i quite like it. it's rather bukowsky-esque, though i'm not an expert on him or anything. it does seem as if he would write about taking a morning piss in such a way that it's no longer just a morning piss.
you're not the first to say that. I wasn't thinking of Bukowski as I wrote it, and I can think of plenty of reasons why this is at best a failed imitation, but I can see the connection you've drawn. thank you, it's an incredible compliment.
and yes, your laughter is good; if you can tolerate the superfluous melodrama, you deserve a snicker at "wrinkled dick."
i know i usually do not comment on your poems (which definitely does not mean i don't like them, because i absolutely love them), but i felt i definitely needed to write on this one.
first of all, holy shit ryan. if you thought that some of my trite poems comprised of love dilemmas and the word "fuck" were raw and open, i'd have to say this definitely overrides them because of its exposed truth. this is incredible, especially the stanza that begins "lost in the middle of this.."
and "wake up you sack of shit" is also a favorite.
I'm very glad you like the exposed truth. the life/rebirth theme is much more important to me than the cheap puns and the messy imagery, so if that's what got through, I'm happy.
it's kind of funny that you like the third stanza. it's the one I struggled with the most, the one I still don't approve of, the one I viewed as terribly superfluous and the one that Christian attacked the most:
"the defranco flair can be impressive, but cut down on the overblown sentences full of irreverant words. it occurs when you ride an idea for too long; when you feel powerful and witty as all hell, and when you can't help but write with a ferocious enthusiasm. I know the feeling, trust me...
ahaha oh, and he described "lost in the middle of this" and the line that follows it as
terrific but followed by what I keep talking about… flair that mixes with the wrong flair and comes out diarrhea.basically, all that superfluous shit is just me having fun writing. I get an idea and I like it, or else it's a personal demon no one knows about. I wake up
( ... )
Comments 9
'citrus clove and chlorophyll
digested hops and remalted barley
it all melts into a backdrop of waste oil and coffee'
Polished beryllium.
'streaming across your pockmarked skin screaming
"alive, alive, wake up you sack of shit'
30-grit sandpaper.
And their combinatorial effect is deeply affecting.
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by contrast, the second set of lines was lifted straight from the draft. I was very surprised by how quickly it came out--when I started, I was just writing about pee; 10 minutes later, life/rebirth made its way in; 5 minutes later, that last sentence came to mind and with a loud (mental) FUCK YES! I pounded them into ink.
when I re-wrote it a month later, I felt no need to change it. every word (from "to you" to "alive!") remained the same.
thank you for your kind comment; it's very reassuring to know that my writing is meaningful enough to be described as affecting. the comparison to Hemingway is beyond flattery.
Reply
it's really good, though. i quite like it. it's rather bukowsky-esque, though i'm not an expert on him or anything. it does seem as if he would write about taking a morning piss in such a way that it's no longer just a morning piss.
bravo.
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and yes, your laughter is good; if you can tolerate the superfluous melodrama, you deserve a snicker at "wrinkled dick."
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first of all, holy shit ryan. if you thought that some of my trite poems comprised of love dilemmas and the word "fuck" were raw and open, i'd have to say this definitely overrides them because of its exposed truth. this is incredible, especially the stanza that begins "lost in the middle of this.."
and "wake up you sack of shit" is also a favorite.
p.s. you are already missed at school.
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it's kind of funny that you like the third stanza. it's the one I struggled with the most, the one I still don't approve of, the one I viewed as terribly superfluous and the one that Christian attacked the most:
"the defranco flair can be impressive, but cut down on the overblown sentences full of irreverant words. it occurs when you ride an idea for too long; when you feel powerful and witty as all hell, and when you can't help but write with a ferocious enthusiasm. I know the feeling, trust me...
ahaha oh, and he described "lost in the middle of this" and the line that follows it as
terrific but followed by what I keep talking about… flair that mixes with the wrong flair and comes out diarrhea.basically, all that superfluous shit is just me having fun writing. I get an idea and I like it, or else it's a personal demon no one knows about. I wake up ( ... )
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