Who woulda thought??
I sit here, in my cute little room, crafted to express my personality, and I remember how often I return to this point in my life- where I reflect, look back upon all the character-altering experiences that have recently knit my personality so unknowingly instant by instant.
I live a life so incredibly different then I would have pictured even 5 years ago. Everything those dim-witted, aged adults had to say about change, about not knowing what you want in life until you understand yourself- its all true. And only when you feel as though you're beginning to understand yourself, you see what you never could have forseen.
While I still sit here, feeling as though only moments have passed since I was 18 and thought I understood my role in the world, I remember the time that's elapsed, and realize I'm only now figuring out that my role is constantly changing as I am constantly growing, adapting, and flourishing. I'm thankful for the transformation my life has taken in every way.
I'm thankful for the losses... the lives that have come and gone yet seared their impact. I'm thankful for the loves that have come and lost- for putting myself out there, showing someone how they're internal beauty has lured my heart. I'm thankful for the moments when I've felt submerged in pain, consumed with outward pressure, been my own worst enemy, destroyed myself from the inside out. Because its the moments to follow, where I'm released and reminded that I'm once again transforming, learning that those times I'm living in His will are the times that I feel most secure... regardless of the pain, or uncertainty.
I never would have imagined that I'd be selfless enough to want to live on behalf of another. Yet, I wake up each morning, dying to myself so that I can live. And nothing is more clear than the idea that I am nothing without Love. I am nothing without Forgiveness. But because they exist in their purest form, I become more and more defined everyday. When I step back, and view myself in different perspective, I understand that I become more what I want to be, more what I desire, because I'm living for Him.
I've learned affection. I've learned to give, and accept the actions of expression. I've learn to allow hugs in tears, and kisses in fears. I've learned to love. I've learned that loving people is THE most significant impact you can have in someone else's life. I've learned to love as brother/sisters. As strangers. As best friends. As pieces of my heart. Learned that love is a choice, and when we choose to ignore it, to deny it, we close our lives and teach ourselves we are unlovable.
I've learned that health and nurture are imperative. Our bodies are temples. When we take care of them, we are capable of working to the best of our ability. In life, in love, in esteem, in trust. I've learned that taking care of yourself is the best medicine to get you on your feet when your heart is hurting.
I've learned what it is I'm looking for in life. Not the success, power, achievement I thought when I was 18. But, simply pursuing a life designed for me and showing others why my heart has been renewed... stained crimson red, get washed white. I've learned that there is so much of the world I've yet to see. There's terribleness. And goodness. And mediocrity. And extraordinary. I've learned who I'm looking for. I've learned that only when I'm being loved unconditionally by God, finding my fulfillment in Him, will I be able to love another unconditionally. I've learned that desire.
Even now, I sit here, knowing nothing of my future direction. But I'm unafraid because I won't make the wrong choices. I won't pursue the wrong life. I won't love the wrong man. I won't fall out of reach.
I'm no longer naive. Arrogant. Afraid. Shelled. I only see glimpses of that 18 year old who saw the world on a platter, but feared every next step.
Because the world doesn't revolve around me. I'm no longer living for myself. And that is the best place I can be. Its better to live with Him than without.
I live a life so incredibly different then I would have pictured even 5 years ago. Everything those dim-witted, aged adults had to say about change, about not knowing what you want in life until you understand yourself- its all true. And only when you feel as though you're beginning to understand yourself, you see what you never could have forseen.
While I still sit here, feeling as though only moments have passed since I was 18 and thought I understood my role in the world, I remember the time that's elapsed, and realize I'm only now figuring out that my role is constantly changing as I am constantly growing, adapting, and flourishing. I'm thankful for the transformation my life has taken in every way.
I'm thankful for the losses... the lives that have come and gone yet seared their impact. I'm thankful for the loves that have come and lost- for putting myself out there, showing someone how they're internal beauty has lured my heart. I'm thankful for the moments when I've felt submerged in pain, consumed with outward pressure, been my own worst enemy, destroyed myself from the inside out. Because its the moments to follow, where I'm released and reminded that I'm once again transforming, learning that those times I'm living in His will are the times that I feel most secure... regardless of the pain, or uncertainty.
I never would have imagined that I'd be selfless enough to want to live on behalf of another. Yet, I wake up each morning, dying to myself so that I can live. And nothing is more clear than the idea that I am nothing without Love. I am nothing without Forgiveness. But because they exist in their purest form, I become more and more defined everyday. When I step back, and view myself in different perspective, I understand that I become more what I want to be, more what I desire, because I'm living for Him.
I've learned affection. I've learned to give, and accept the actions of expression. I've learn to allow hugs in tears, and kisses in fears. I've learned to love. I've learned that loving people is THE most significant impact you can have in someone else's life. I've learned to love as brother/sisters. As strangers. As best friends. As pieces of my heart. Learned that love is a choice, and when we choose to ignore it, to deny it, we close our lives and teach ourselves we are unlovable.
I've learned that health and nurture are imperative. Our bodies are temples. When we take care of them, we are capable of working to the best of our ability. In life, in love, in esteem, in trust. I've learned that taking care of yourself is the best medicine to get you on your feet when your heart is hurting.
I've learned what it is I'm looking for in life. Not the success, power, achievement I thought when I was 18. But, simply pursuing a life designed for me and showing others why my heart has been renewed... stained crimson red, get washed white. I've learned that there is so much of the world I've yet to see. There's terribleness. And goodness. And mediocrity. And extraordinary. I've learned who I'm looking for. I've learned that only when I'm being loved unconditionally by God, finding my fulfillment in Him, will I be able to love another unconditionally. I've learned that desire.
Even now, I sit here, knowing nothing of my future direction. But I'm unafraid because I won't make the wrong choices. I won't pursue the wrong life. I won't love the wrong man. I won't fall out of reach.
I'm no longer naive. Arrogant. Afraid. Shelled. I only see glimpses of that 18 year old who saw the world on a platter, but feared every next step.
Because the world doesn't revolve around me. I'm no longer living for myself. And that is the best place I can be. Its better to live with Him than without.