(no subject)
I wrote this late last night when I was overly emotional, so it's very drama-queen-ish, but I thought I'd post it anyways. I'm not thinking like this anymore.
So Hoshi told me that it's difficult to be around me because of.. well.. I guess everything about me. Everyone always tells me that I'm depressed and angry all the time. I just don't know what to do.. since apparently nobody wants to be around me, my first reaction was to just cut myself off from everyone, but that's very drama-queen-ish. But I don't know what else to do! I can't be around people, and I can't not be around people and I'm very lost right now and I just don't know what to do.
And I really wish Ryan would speak to me but he hasn't spoken to me in over a month and I know I need to just let him go but I can't. And I don't know why I want to hang out with him and talk to him and tell him what's been going on because I know he doesn't care. And that's not just me being melodramatic, that's the truth. He told me in August that I don't have the right to get upset over anything that happens here because I could have left, I didn't have to stay, I should have gone to Lawrence, and I didn't, so it's my own fault that shit happens to me. And he's right. Damnit, he's right. So why DO I want to see him? I don't even know. All I know is that he's coming back to Wichita tomorrow [today, now, I guess, it's past midnight] and I want to see him and I know for a fact he won't want to see me and that just makes me depressed all over again.
I don't think I'm gonna go out tonight like I usually do on Fridays. No, I'm gonna stay home tonight since I know my usual crew doesn't want me around as it is too hard for them to be around me [that's not me being melodramatic -- Hoshi specifically said -- and I quote -- "I feel .. that I have to filter everything I say in order not to make you angry.. and that's a lot of work."] So I won't force my presence on them. It's honestly not a big deal.
Yeah, melodramatic much.. remind me not to write when it's late and I'm emotional, I get overly dramatic. Next time, I'm definitely gonna wait until the morning when I've had a night's sleep and I've had time to cool down. Then I'll write.
But I'm still not gonna go out tonight.
So Hoshi told me that it's difficult to be around me because of.. well.. I guess everything about me. Everyone always tells me that I'm depressed and angry all the time. I just don't know what to do.. since apparently nobody wants to be around me, my first reaction was to just cut myself off from everyone, but that's very drama-queen-ish. But I don't know what else to do! I can't be around people, and I can't not be around people and I'm very lost right now and I just don't know what to do.
And I really wish Ryan would speak to me but he hasn't spoken to me in over a month and I know I need to just let him go but I can't. And I don't know why I want to hang out with him and talk to him and tell him what's been going on because I know he doesn't care. And that's not just me being melodramatic, that's the truth. He told me in August that I don't have the right to get upset over anything that happens here because I could have left, I didn't have to stay, I should have gone to Lawrence, and I didn't, so it's my own fault that shit happens to me. And he's right. Damnit, he's right. So why DO I want to see him? I don't even know. All I know is that he's coming back to Wichita tomorrow [today, now, I guess, it's past midnight] and I want to see him and I know for a fact he won't want to see me and that just makes me depressed all over again.
I don't think I'm gonna go out tonight like I usually do on Fridays. No, I'm gonna stay home tonight since I know my usual crew doesn't want me around as it is too hard for them to be around me [that's not me being melodramatic -- Hoshi specifically said -- and I quote -- "I feel .. that I have to filter everything I say in order not to make you angry.. and that's a lot of work."] So I won't force my presence on them. It's honestly not a big deal.
Yeah, melodramatic much.. remind me not to write when it's late and I'm emotional, I get overly dramatic. Next time, I'm definitely gonna wait until the morning when I've had a night's sleep and I've had time to cool down. Then I'll write.
But I'm still not gonna go out tonight.