(no subject)
January
a phoneline that should've been disconnected a long time ago.
if somebody asks for your phone number does that mean they'll call you?
lately i have the bad habit of pouring orange juice in a cup and leaving it there
cause i forget. i end up not drinking all of it cause well it gets gross.
i found myself taking pictures of the most pointless things since i had nothing better to do around the apartment...at the end of the month (the 28th) matt asked me to be his girlfriend..well he didn't ask. i guess you can say it just happened and i had a hard time trying to get used to the whole idea.
February
have you ever been in a room and its so quiet you can hear the clock ticking?
i can't go mimis
bored. everything was boring me whether it be at work or when i went to visit family or when i was talking to my faculty mentor about who knows what on wednesdays at 12:30. i came to the realization that it was my own fault. boring people get bored.
March
parting ways.
for some reason or another i kept having nightmares. matt and i went to see the album leaf. we met the band peoples before the show and talked to them for a little bit. i realized how insecure of a person i was once i saw her there. i had the suspicion that he felt still felt something for her but i didn't say anything...i figured it was just all in my head.
April
Panglossian \pan-GLOSS-ee-uhn\, adjective:
Excessively or naively optimistic.
Example:
I would be taking a Panglossian view if I said that this relationship is perfect.
a professor told me today that i look fatigued.
that's her way of telling me that i look like crap.
i was tired all the time and never had the time to do anything i enjoyed. the beginnings of the mcnair research project were sucking the life out of me and i doubted myself every day in everything. not just school.
May
what would happen
if i closed my eyes and
if i covered my ears
would i still feel love
would i still be shown love
or would it just be words written on a crumpled piece of paper
or would it just be spoken words that go through my ears
words that can be erased but that i can still remember seeing
words that can be denied but still buzz in my head
nothing
i became fascinated with drawing things on paint and art pad and then seeing them replayed. matt and i broke up for a while for reasons i won't go into detail about...it only lasted for a week and a half i think. my instints were right. my life became consumed by my research project and i didn't have much time to think about anything else. my faculty mentor didn't realize how crappy she made me feel sometimes.
June
sometimes i feel disposable like a piece of tissue that you can blow all your snot in and then throw in the trash can sitting next to the toilet.
i've been walking around all day with that pain in my ears because i'm stopping myself from crying
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts-
I am sixteen years old now and I dont know what to do and would appreciate it if you could tell me what to do. When I was a little girl it was not so bad because I got used to the kids on the block makeing fun of me, but now I would like to have boy friends like the other girls and go out on Saturday nites, but no boy will take me becuse I was born without a nose-although I am a good dancer and have a nice shape and my father buys me pretty clothes.
I sit and look at myself all day and cry. I have a big hole in the middle of my face that scares people even myself so I cant blame the boys for not wanting to take me out. My mother loves me, but she crys terrible when she looks at me.
What did I do to deserve such a terrible bad fate? Even if I did do some bad things I didn't do any before I was a year old and I was born this way. I asked Papa and he says he doesnt know, but that maybe I did something in the other world before I was born or that maybe I was being punished for his sins. I dont believe that because he is a very nice man. Ought I commit suicide?
Sincerely yours,
Desperate
From Miss Lonelyhearts by Nathanael West, pp.14-15
apparently i sucked at everything i did and was constantly self deprecating. i hit a slump at the most inconvenient time. not saying that there is a convenient time but it really was inconvenient cause i had all this crap to take care of. part of it had to do with my research project. it had been months since i had the chance to wander around taking pictures of stuff.
July
you never think about how nasty toilets are until you barf in one.
once the mcnair internship was over i got really sick. it was one of the worst times i got sick. so sick i couldn't get up. it happened a few days after i moved into my new apartment. lucerito turned 13 and we went swimming that day. it was a lot of fun. i turned 21 and traveled to pennsylvania, maryland and d.c. to present my research over there at some symposium. it was fun. my birthday present to myself was my camera. i never posted up those two pictures but i meant to. when i came back from the trip i realized that somebody had gone into my apartment. nothing was stolen thankfully but things were definitely not okay.
August
solin
i hope this works
but i don't think it will
if i keep thinking that it won't
then it won't
and at the same time
i'm wondering if maybe it's
that
i
don't want it
to work
i wasn't ready for the fall semester to start and it wasn't going to be what i wanted because i ended up signing up for 18
credit hours. my landlord re-keyed the apartment so that gave some feeling of safety..but not really. i started suspecting that might have OCD. that month i decided to start doing exercise.
September
Didn’t really feel inspired to take pictures during the trip and i honestly didn’t have time.
i was too busy with everything except what i wanted to do. went to wisconsin for mcnair for some grad school workshop
and it was like a slap in the face. that's about it..everything else is probably not worth mentioning or i can't remember it.
October
I thought I would be able to forget that and move on.
Maybe it’s because I’m so Goddamned naïve and don’t want to believe anything else other than people are good.
The truth is people can be terrible to each other.
Yesterday started off bad and ended bad.
I woke up with the vision of a lady that had a bruised face with black holes.
How is it possible for my mind to create such terrible things in my dreams?
That image was stuck in my head all day and felt like I was going to throw up.
After I got out of class I went for a long walk around campus with Matt and he helped me to relax for a little while and forget that face.
I stayed on campus to do work at the library and didn’t get home until 9.
Walked in and headed towards my desk.
My laptop was gone.
Gone.
things pretty much (or ugly much) went to hell after that. i could no longer stay at my apartment after the 24th. and it wasn't about the laptop. i felt violated because the suspicion i had months ago was true. somebody was going into my apartment. i started thinking of this person eating my food. using my restroom. sleeping on my bed. going through my clothing and personal belongings. all these terrible thoughts in my head.
three days later i ended up in the hospital. i had already been feeling depressed for the past couple of months. i felt like i was going to lose control and do something really stupid. the doctor recommended for me to not finish the semester and to be hospitalized at some mesilla valley place. i almost lost it (more than i already had) and told him no. there was no way i would be able to rest. he recommended counseling. the lady at the counseling place "diagnosed" me with OCD, depression and something else. they wanted me to get on some meds and i said no. the next week she scheduled an appointment and she never showed up. i waited for 30 minutes and left. she called me an hour later apologizing..her excuse? she forgot. i never went back. i didn't want to be there in the first place. sometimes i would cry at the most random times. sometimes i would be sit in class and feel this sudden overwhelming feeling that was choking me.
November
the only thing that is left is the frame of my bed, orange chair and some cleaning supplies that i'll take out tomorrow. every time i go back there i feel really paranoid and sick to my stomach.
hello,
i'm losing my mind and feel lonely and sad in this sand box.
matt let me stay at his apartment after i left my apartment. i was there for 2 weeks and the best thing about it was that we got to spend more time together. it was nice waking up in the morning and planning out the rest of the day together. what we would cook, where we would go, etc. but i was still feeling depressed and like always i screwed it up. i started feeling awkward around everybody including him so i left and moved into my parent's living room at vado. i missed waking up in the morning and knowing he was there. the main reason why i felt awkward was because of my mother's judgment. she thought we were having sex and that i was immoral and had no family values. she made me feel like i was the most terrible daughter. i don't like talking about these things and in fact they make me very uncomfortable but i left to prove to her that i am a decent person and everything she accused me of was not true. i was screwing everything up in school. i lost the trial against my landlord and i also lost faith against the whole system because i realized how much injustice there is.
December
i'm feeling very discouraged right now. with everything. this is the worst semester i have ever had. i can't seem to do anything right and then when i start feeling some hope i seem to fuck something else up. i wish i could stop self deprecating but i can't help it when nothing i do is good enough. and i've been thinking lately maybe i'm not cut out for going to graduate school. i feel like i'm good for nothing and that i'm not cut out for anything. it takes me a lot to talk about these things with anybody and when i decide to, nobody can tell me anything to help me feel better. i can't even make myself feel better. what makes me think somebody else can help me. sometimes i wish i would have taken that doctor's advice and just thrown in the towel and said fuck it. fuck everything. i need a damn break. i'm only 21 and i shouldn't feel like this.
the biggest thing i took from this year was to trust my instincts. every time i had a feeling about something and i didn't follow it, it backfired on me.