Growing up is Optional, right?
i love the husband one lol, enjoy!
1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive
new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss.... The Pope only
expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink
spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.
8. Why is it when your husband takes out the trash he gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large
trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me
off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for
Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
building.
12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was
and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies
could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will?
What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point
the wrong way.
15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fit ting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up
in the first place!
16. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky
dunk."
17. The early bird still has to eat worms.
18. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
19. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell
the difference.
20. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.
22. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what
he said.
23. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
24. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they
can in prison?
25. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started
with something called labor!
26. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive
new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss.... The Pope only
expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink
spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.
8. Why is it when your husband takes out the trash he gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large
trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me
off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for
Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned
building.
12. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was
and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies
could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will?
What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point
the wrong way.
15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fit ting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up
in the first place!
16. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky
dunk."
17. The early bird still has to eat worms.
18. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
19. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell
the difference.
20. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply
press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
21. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.
22. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what
he said.
23. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
24. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they
can in prison?
25. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started
with something called labor!
26. Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.