She got out of town, on a railway new york bound...
I just spent
way too long
going through old journal entries
and I don't know
if I can do this
anymore.
xxxxx_____XXXXX
I feel like my life is in two completely seperate pieces. At least it's not like Winter break was, where I was feeling like I was just being torn from one to the other, and needed to be in both as much as possible. I'm just... enjoying being where I am. There are parts of it that suck, but there are parts of California that suck, too. It's amazing what a year can do. I couldn't wait to leave this world. And now... this little place has really grown on me.
Also, I am taking a class at UNC now; I've already taken classes at State and Duke. Heehee. I just realized that; I've now taken classes at all of the "big three" around here. Which is kind of strange, considering I completely thought of myself as more of a UNC person than the other two, ever, to realize that I hadn't actually taken a class or anything official there before (well, aside from maybe a year or so that TIP had me leaning kind of towards Duke in sympathies, but that was never more than 50-50... sorry bEn :P). Just, y'know, spent tons of time on-campus and on Franklin Street for various reasons.
I might be posting some of my earlier w2j entries on here, or on the website if/when I ever actually put it up again [lol], but don't hold your breath, because... I dunno. I mean, they were never intended to be read by anyone else, unlike my other computer-journals, so they're sometimes pretty bad. But they're so very amusing; even though I know they were so very painful to write at the time... I guess that's part of why I feel so much better, now. I actually can look back at what I went through and smile about it. It hurt, it sucked, I spelled "ridiculously" "rediculously" until seriously like four entries on here ago, and now it tickles me every time I see it [entries from the sophomore-year timeframe are especially hilarious, if painful to read, because I spell everything in highly amusing fashion; "ph" for f, random capitalizations everywhere [not just in people's names :P]... I dunno]. I... I dunno. I mean, my philosophy has been for a very long time, "if you don't laugh, you cry." So maybe it's because I can laugh at so much of it that I'm not crying. Well, I have to admit, I was crying over some of them, but those were more recent. Those pains are still very painful.
I have a lot of entries about Jivi, about the Winged Vampire [that Jivi evolved from], on my more public journals. And I was just thinking about this, that the Vampire was actually originally based on someone; it never really registers anymore, he's completely evolved into his own person. I suppose four years of stories will do that, short as some of them are. But I was also thinking about -- if I say something, like "Jivi was actually based on a real person, originally," to someone [or, y'know, write about it on a public journal], it's absolutely not who most people would probably expect him to have been based on. I mean... yes, the reason most people would "suspect" that had already begun, by the time I started writing about the Vampire. But -- and looking through said entries also made it a lot more clear that things hadn't been quite so established by that point as I sometimes like [/don't like] to think. I mean, fuck, that was the summer [after freshman year] that I tried to run away. [Fo' realz - the time that I got picked up for being a "runaway" I wasn't actually trying to run away, heh, + would come later.] But... maybe it had begun, but it certainly wasn't so completely entrenched. There were other things, running parallel, that could easily have become the entrenched ones, if circumstances had been different.
I still remember, when was it, end of eighth grade? When we were going on bike rides all the time. Just around, because that's really all that kids can do, that's all that kids need to do, I suppose. Or so I thought. Ehh. So much else was going on. It must've been before the end of eighth grade. Standing on top of a hill, we were both standing beside our bikes because we had to turn around, and he says to me, he'd been talking about all the transfers his father had had to make, for his job, and he says that he'll probably move again before the end of high school. That affected me so much, at the time.
Well. We all know how that turned out.
If you can see through that and know who I'm talking about, no, he's not the Vampire either.
In fact, probably the only person who could guess who the Vampire is is Amelia. [cookies if you guess anyway - have fun... lol, probably cookies for reading this far in the first place :P do you seriously have nothing better to do?]
Ohhh, she knew too much about my crushes for my own good. Until that time -- must've been later sophomore year; when probably a lot of people still thought we were best friends [ohh, sad things], and I'd made that "I won't have any crushes this year" resolution [ohh, probably anyone can guess how that turned out... and actually, I probably still think it would've gone fairly well, had I not fallen into a complete mess with... meh... well, that's a completely different story, suffice to say I was something approaching asked out by another friend], and she knew about that, but not that it had been shattered a couple weeks before, and so when Kevin was trying to figure out who I had a crush on [for reasons that I still don't know, but I mean, couldn't've been too sinister, 'sidering nothing else ever came of it], she told him that I didn't have any, and that was enough for him. But before that, she knew everything. And I mean... really, that's the only time [freshman year of high school] that it was ever actually all that interesting.
Well, the rest of Amoeba knew, too, about... well, probably about this one... I mean, I remember another point, towards the end of freshman year, when I was talking to laura, and I was all "well... A's more of a crush than B is, now." "Well, if [event] hadn't happened, would it be the other way around?" It took me a moment to think. "Probably. I mean..." Heh. There were so many things that caused me to hesitate, on the one [probably that, if I told anyone that knows him now, didn't know him then, would be completely surprised about... heh, he's changed so much. Who doesn't, in so many years? Especially the teenage years in question...]. So many more to hesitate on either.
Hence, y'know, the whole awesomeness of high school.
It's so weird, stuffed in a carful of guys like I was, and realizing that there is precisely one in the car that I had never had a crush on [and him, I'd hung out with maybe three times before, so that chance had never really arisen].
So, that ended up being a lot longer than I thought. But I'd better stop now before I start going into so many details that I end up retracting this from LJ. Which is quite likely to happen anyway, knowing how these "divulge too much" posts usually end up happening.
"Lights" (by Journey - it's about how beautiful the Bay and the City are :P) played on the radio while I was stuck in traffic on 54 today, and I just stared out the window at the sky. There was this absolutely amazing lightning storm that was going on [ahh, Carolina - lightning storms and lightning bugs. How I love thee; silly California, lacking in either]. Saw Charles [from Panera, not from school] today, and one of the things that he told me's that his sister's moving out to the Bay area in a few weeks. Eeee. I've only met her a couple times, but I remember thinking she was pretty cool. So I'm probably going to end up looking her up [possibly before she leaves, too... hmm]. I... don't know.
Also, for some really ridiculous reason, I introduced myself to my Chinese class, not only by telling them that I go to Stanford, but that I went to Cary Academy for high school. I frickin' always try to hide both. Why'd I just dump it now, to people that it matters more than just like, random customers at Panera or something that I'll never see again? Later, talking to a couple of them, I said that I was considering transfering to Carolina, and I realized the truth in the statement as it was coming out of my mouth [one of them has a friend that's currently at UNC and transferred from Stanford - he said he'd hook me up, woo]. I mean, it would be silly, especially considering now the earliest I could transfer would be for junior year, I'll've gotten really the two hard years under my belt [imho... ::shrug:: seems by the time you're that established what's the point of transferring unless you're actually unhappy, which you probably should've realized by that point -- yes, I know from a two-year college upwards, but I mean transfers between four-years-- I guess, to me]. But it's always been true. It's always been in the back of my mind (I switched my facebook back to Stanford for a couple days, and it just felt wrong... so I guess I'm going to stay UNC for at least a while longer, even if it does confuse people). I mean... it was always in the back of my mind. I didn't really expect to go to Stanford in the first place. Stanford was just kind of magical dream idea, that would never be practical. And then the chance just fell into my lap, and... I had to take it. I could've been so free at this point. But I just don't know how much I would've been able to respect myself, if I'd gone to UNC [while many of my reasons were good, the ones that really weighed heaviest in my mind were perhaps not the ones that people should make decisions about colleges with -- for hate, let's say -- which is a large part of the reason I did end up forcing myself to go to Stanford (haha, I know that probably sounds horrible); I was terrified that if I ended up at UNC, it would be for the wrong reasons]. I think I would've had to just bury a lot of things that this year has given me peace with. Even if, now, it makes... a lot of things harder. I don't think I could've gotten to this place in the first place.
I don't know. I guess, what I want to say is, I hope I don't lose sight of things that matter, don't keep myself grounded, just because I get to walk around, detached, on clouds, for so much of the time.
I went through so much, I can't just become another generic prestigious-school-alum white-collar career woman, or trophy wife...
I. Don't. Know.
Really, I did need to come back this summer; if for no reason than to be reminded of why I left, and the reasons I wanted to stay. We'll see how the rest of it goes, now that I'm finally emerging from my recovery cuccoon.
Some things in this world you just can't change,
Some things you can't see until it gets too late...
Some things in this world, man, they don't make sense,
Some things you don't need until they leave you...
Oh, also -- it must be a rule that people who study Chinese have to be awesome, or something, because I seriously do not know a single person who takes/has studied Chinese that I haven't really liked. And I don't like a lot of people [or at least, am rather indifferent towards the majority], so there's something to that statement. XP I have also talked to every single one of the people in my current class, and not just kind of couple-sentence exchanges, but decent conversations. And we've only had two classes. XD Woo for tAng being social. Oh, also, I've already done more than half of what we're covering in the class. Hmm. I guess that would be why the people at Stanford thought I should be in second-year already; they do less in college language classes than I'd thought. Ehh. Well, no big loss, more time to cover the actual Stanford stuff.
way too long
going through old journal entries
and I don't know
if I can do this
anymore.
xxxxx_____XXXXX
I feel like my life is in two completely seperate pieces. At least it's not like Winter break was, where I was feeling like I was just being torn from one to the other, and needed to be in both as much as possible. I'm just... enjoying being where I am. There are parts of it that suck, but there are parts of California that suck, too. It's amazing what a year can do. I couldn't wait to leave this world. And now... this little place has really grown on me.
Also, I am taking a class at UNC now; I've already taken classes at State and Duke. Heehee. I just realized that; I've now taken classes at all of the "big three" around here. Which is kind of strange, considering I completely thought of myself as more of a UNC person than the other two, ever, to realize that I hadn't actually taken a class or anything official there before (well, aside from maybe a year or so that TIP had me leaning kind of towards Duke in sympathies, but that was never more than 50-50... sorry bEn :P). Just, y'know, spent tons of time on-campus and on Franklin Street for various reasons.
I might be posting some of my earlier w2j entries on here, or on the website if/when I ever actually put it up again [lol], but don't hold your breath, because... I dunno. I mean, they were never intended to be read by anyone else, unlike my other computer-journals, so they're sometimes pretty bad. But they're so very amusing; even though I know they were so very painful to write at the time... I guess that's part of why I feel so much better, now. I actually can look back at what I went through and smile about it. It hurt, it sucked, I spelled "ridiculously" "rediculously" until seriously like four entries on here ago, and now it tickles me every time I see it [entries from the sophomore-year timeframe are especially hilarious, if painful to read, because I spell everything in highly amusing fashion; "ph" for f, random capitalizations everywhere [not just in people's names :P]... I dunno]. I... I dunno. I mean, my philosophy has been for a very long time, "if you don't laugh, you cry." So maybe it's because I can laugh at so much of it that I'm not crying. Well, I have to admit, I was crying over some of them, but those were more recent. Those pains are still very painful.
I have a lot of entries about Jivi, about the Winged Vampire [that Jivi evolved from], on my more public journals. And I was just thinking about this, that the Vampire was actually originally based on someone; it never really registers anymore, he's completely evolved into his own person. I suppose four years of stories will do that, short as some of them are. But I was also thinking about -- if I say something, like "Jivi was actually based on a real person, originally," to someone [or, y'know, write about it on a public journal], it's absolutely not who most people would probably expect him to have been based on. I mean... yes, the reason most people would "suspect" that had already begun, by the time I started writing about the Vampire. But -- and looking through said entries also made it a lot more clear that things hadn't been quite so established by that point as I sometimes like [/don't like] to think. I mean, fuck, that was the summer [after freshman year] that I tried to run away. [Fo' realz - the time that I got picked up for being a "runaway" I wasn't actually trying to run away, heh, + would come later.] But... maybe it had begun, but it certainly wasn't so completely entrenched. There were other things, running parallel, that could easily have become the entrenched ones, if circumstances had been different.
I still remember, when was it, end of eighth grade? When we were going on bike rides all the time. Just around, because that's really all that kids can do, that's all that kids need to do, I suppose. Or so I thought. Ehh. So much else was going on. It must've been before the end of eighth grade. Standing on top of a hill, we were both standing beside our bikes because we had to turn around, and he says to me, he'd been talking about all the transfers his father had had to make, for his job, and he says that he'll probably move again before the end of high school. That affected me so much, at the time.
Well. We all know how that turned out.
If you can see through that and know who I'm talking about, no, he's not the Vampire either.
In fact, probably the only person who could guess who the Vampire is is Amelia. [cookies if you guess anyway - have fun... lol, probably cookies for reading this far in the first place :P do you seriously have nothing better to do?]
Ohhh, she knew too much about my crushes for my own good. Until that time -- must've been later sophomore year; when probably a lot of people still thought we were best friends [ohh, sad things], and I'd made that "I won't have any crushes this year" resolution [ohh, probably anyone can guess how that turned out... and actually, I probably still think it would've gone fairly well, had I not fallen into a complete mess with... meh... well, that's a completely different story, suffice to say I was something approaching asked out by another friend], and she knew about that, but not that it had been shattered a couple weeks before, and so when Kevin was trying to figure out who I had a crush on [for reasons that I still don't know, but I mean, couldn't've been too sinister, 'sidering nothing else ever came of it], she told him that I didn't have any, and that was enough for him. But before that, she knew everything. And I mean... really, that's the only time [freshman year of high school] that it was ever actually all that interesting.
Well, the rest of Amoeba knew, too, about... well, probably about this one... I mean, I remember another point, towards the end of freshman year, when I was talking to laura, and I was all "well... A's more of a crush than B is, now." "Well, if [event] hadn't happened, would it be the other way around?" It took me a moment to think. "Probably. I mean..." Heh. There were so many things that caused me to hesitate, on the one [probably that, if I told anyone that knows him now, didn't know him then, would be completely surprised about... heh, he's changed so much. Who doesn't, in so many years? Especially the teenage years in question...]. So many more to hesitate on either.
Hence, y'know, the whole awesomeness of high school.
It's so weird, stuffed in a carful of guys like I was, and realizing that there is precisely one in the car that I had never had a crush on [and him, I'd hung out with maybe three times before, so that chance had never really arisen].
So, that ended up being a lot longer than I thought. But I'd better stop now before I start going into so many details that I end up retracting this from LJ. Which is quite likely to happen anyway, knowing how these "divulge too much" posts usually end up happening.
"Lights" (by Journey - it's about how beautiful the Bay and the City are :P) played on the radio while I was stuck in traffic on 54 today, and I just stared out the window at the sky. There was this absolutely amazing lightning storm that was going on [ahh, Carolina - lightning storms and lightning bugs. How I love thee; silly California, lacking in either]. Saw Charles [from Panera, not from school] today, and one of the things that he told me's that his sister's moving out to the Bay area in a few weeks. Eeee. I've only met her a couple times, but I remember thinking she was pretty cool. So I'm probably going to end up looking her up [possibly before she leaves, too... hmm]. I... don't know.
Also, for some really ridiculous reason, I introduced myself to my Chinese class, not only by telling them that I go to Stanford, but that I went to Cary Academy for high school. I frickin' always try to hide both. Why'd I just dump it now, to people that it matters more than just like, random customers at Panera or something that I'll never see again? Later, talking to a couple of them, I said that I was considering transfering to Carolina, and I realized the truth in the statement as it was coming out of my mouth [one of them has a friend that's currently at UNC and transferred from Stanford - he said he'd hook me up, woo]. I mean, it would be silly, especially considering now the earliest I could transfer would be for junior year, I'll've gotten really the two hard years under my belt [imho... ::shrug:: seems by the time you're that established what's the point of transferring unless you're actually unhappy, which you probably should've realized by that point -- yes, I know from a two-year college upwards, but I mean transfers between four-years-- I guess, to me]. But it's always been true. It's always been in the back of my mind (I switched my facebook back to Stanford for a couple days, and it just felt wrong... so I guess I'm going to stay UNC for at least a while longer, even if it does confuse people). I mean... it was always in the back of my mind. I didn't really expect to go to Stanford in the first place. Stanford was just kind of magical dream idea, that would never be practical. And then the chance just fell into my lap, and... I had to take it. I could've been so free at this point. But I just don't know how much I would've been able to respect myself, if I'd gone to UNC [while many of my reasons were good, the ones that really weighed heaviest in my mind were perhaps not the ones that people should make decisions about colleges with -- for hate, let's say -- which is a large part of the reason I did end up forcing myself to go to Stanford (haha, I know that probably sounds horrible); I was terrified that if I ended up at UNC, it would be for the wrong reasons]. I think I would've had to just bury a lot of things that this year has given me peace with. Even if, now, it makes... a lot of things harder. I don't think I could've gotten to this place in the first place.
I don't know. I guess, what I want to say is, I hope I don't lose sight of things that matter, don't keep myself grounded, just because I get to walk around, detached, on clouds, for so much of the time.
I went through so much, I can't just become another generic prestigious-school-alum white-collar career woman, or trophy wife...
I. Don't. Know.
Really, I did need to come back this summer; if for no reason than to be reminded of why I left, and the reasons I wanted to stay. We'll see how the rest of it goes, now that I'm finally emerging from my recovery cuccoon.
Some things in this world you just can't change,
Some things you can't see until it gets too late...
Some things in this world, man, they don't make sense,
Some things you don't need until they leave you...
Oh, also -- it must be a rule that people who study Chinese have to be awesome, or something, because I seriously do not know a single person who takes/has studied Chinese that I haven't really liked. And I don't like a lot of people [or at least, am rather indifferent towards the majority], so there's something to that statement. XP I have also talked to every single one of the people in my current class, and not just kind of couple-sentence exchanges, but decent conversations. And we've only had two classes. XD Woo for tAng being social. Oh, also, I've already done more than half of what we're covering in the class. Hmm. I guess that would be why the people at Stanford thought I should be in second-year already; they do less in college language classes than I'd thought. Ehh. Well, no big loss, more time to cover the actual Stanford stuff.