Merlin Fic: Time Is Eternity
Title: Time Is Eternity
Summary: When the King had left, Merlin waited for a few tense minutes -it wouldn’t be unusual for Arthur to return in a sudden fit of temper- then he thought the door locked. The moment he heard the clicking sound, Merlin deflated, sinking down to the floor and burying his face in his hands.
Warning/Spoiler: Slash, Angst, First Time, Romance, Future!Fic (with a twist), King!Arthur, Powerful!Merlin, Spoilers for Season One and Two
Rating: Mild, very mild R
Pairing: Merlin/Arthur, Lancelot/Gwen, Past Arthur/Gwen (uh, if you really like Gwen, you may want to skip this one)
Word Count: 7.104
Disclaimer: The show and all characters are owned by the BBC. This is just for fun.
HUGE thanks as always to my lovely beta caelly . I can't tell you how much you and your never-ending encouragement mean to me. Hm. Maybe in a few years, I'll find the right words. *smooches*
Time Is Eternity
Merlin was trying to read one of Gaius’ old books - no matter how many years had passed, he still wasn’t fond of spells he had to learn - when the door to his chambers crashed open. Before he could look up, the door closed just as loud again and the King was already halfway into the room. Arthur looked devastated. “Merlin…”
The Royal Warlock stood up slowly. He didn’t have to ask what had happened, he already knew. It had been only a matter of time anyway. “My Lord. You’re back early.”
The King tried to smile but managed only some ugly grimace. “You’re not the only one surprised by my return.” When Merlin didn’t answer, he continued. “You know what I just found out? I… Guinevere and… Lancelot. I…”
Merlin steeled himself against the anguish he could hear in Arthur’s voice. “Indeed. What do you want me do, my Lord? Shall I… remove Lancelot from Camelot, from Albion?”
“No!” Arthur stared at him, looking suddenly incredibly young again. “Merlin… Please, I came here because… I want to talk to a friend.”
The warlock tried, but for the life of him he couldn’t stop the bitter laugh escaping. “Friend? You call me your friend? Since when, my Lord? If I recall correctly, you’re usually calling me a ‘means to an end’. Lancelot is your friend… or had been your friend, I guess. Don’t trouble yourself; I’m sure you will find someone else to replace him very soon.” He could see the impact his words had on Arthur, but the other man still looked… too much like the young prince he once had been; Merlin wanted him gone, he didn’t want to remember the time where he himself had been young enough to have something like hope for the unattainable.
“Merlin…” Voice hoarse, full of betrayal, the King backed off a step.
He can’t see it, Merlin thought. He had never been able to. He had never understood what he had done to me. Straightening up to his full height and letting his magic bleed out of him enough to scare off even a king, Merlin asked again, “What is it you want? Both of them gone? I can whisk them away, right now, by a thought. Just give the order.”
For some reason, that did it. The prince was gone, what remained was the face of the Once and Future King, eyes hard as always, mouth grim.
Merlin smiled.
“No. I won’t trouble you further, Emrys. Good night.”
When the King had left, Merlin waited for a few tense minutes -it wouldn’t be unusual for Arthur to return in a sudden fit of temper- then he thought the door locked. The moment he heard the clicking sound, Merlin deflated, sinking down to the floor and burying his face in his hands.
***
An hour later, the warlock was lying on his bed, staring up at the canopy but not seeing a thing. All around him he could hear voices whispering; voices of people long dead. A bit more far away, he heard Morgana’s laughter, and even further, beyond a veil, Nimueh’s. He turned his head to the side, as if to escape, until finally, as always, the other voices were drowned out by the one he had been waiting for.
Merlin…
“Mother.”
Merlin, why?
He shook his head in silence.
Can’t you forgive? After all these years, can’t you forgive him?
“It’s not so easy, Mother.”
It is. Why do you still lay all the blame on him?
“He IS to blame.”
And you are not? How often had he reached out for you?
“He had never apologized.”
A sigh. No, but you have never expected him to. He had never said the words, and you have all this time refused to see that he had apologized, in ways you were once able to recognize.
“Still…”
Are you happy, Merlin? Are you the one you wanted to be?
Merlin closed his eyes tightly. “No. No. But even I can’t turn back the time, Mother.”
Maybe. But there is still time.
“You don’t understand. I am not…” Merlin swallowed the rest. “And he isn’t the man he once was, either.”
And yet he is. You have just seen him. And so are you.
“Mother… you don’t understand,” he repeated weakly.
Maybe. But you don’t want to understand.
“But… what can I do?”
Silence.
“Mother? Mother!”
She was gone. Merlin turned around and buried his face in the pillows; then he gave up and started to cry.
***
It was in the midst of the night when Merlin left his chambers. Dressed in black from head to toe, he knew he was barely visible to the guards who stood in the dim halls, but they still bowed down to him. No, he had truly not become the man he once wanted to be… he had never wished to become someone who had to be feared, the tool of a just as fearsome King. But… maybe his mother had been right. Maybe there was still time.
Merlin took the flight of stairs that would carry him up to the royal chambers; he had a good idea where to find the King. When he passed the King’s chambers, the door opened and Lancelot appeared, only to withdraw hastily after seeing the warlock. Merlin ignored him completely, as he always did. Lancelot, Gwen, Gawain… all of them he had once called his friends. And now even Gawain, the friendly, always laughing Gawain, who had stood by him for the longest time, averted his eyes when the Royal Warlock entered the room; all of them did all they could to avoid his evil eyes.
Finally reaching his destination, Merlin slowly opened the door to the chambers which once were owned by the Crown Prince. With bated breath, he looked around, fighting off the storm of memories these rooms still brought to him. Arthur wasn’t there. Disappointed, Merlin looked around once more; the room had changed, of course. For years now, it was waiting for the next prince, for a child that never had been and never would be. When his glance fell on the cradle, Merlin turned and left quickly.
Out again in the dark hallway, he hesitated. Maybe he should let it go after all. Maybe this was his destiny, maybe Camelot and Albion wasn’t the bright place he had dreamt of, many years ago. He had often been deceived by the Sight… Again, he turned around and ran downstairs this time, as if he could really flee from his memories. Trying to keep his thoughts on the here and now, he reconsidered Arthur’s whereabouts… and noticed suddenly that he hadn’t the slightest idea where to look for him.
Merlin wandered to one of the windows that overlooked the gardens and stared out into the night. There was one other possibility to look for Arthur… if it was still working. And if he wasn’t too afraid of trying.
About -Gods- fifteen years ago, there had been a bond forming between warlock and prince; well, maybe it had been one-sided. Since it had happened very shortly before Uther died, he had never talked with Arthur about it, because it had also been the beginning of their estrangement. Still, this bond had been useful for a younger Merlin to watch out for Arthur.
But he hadn’t done this for longer than he could remember, and suddenly he was scared to search for it and found it gone. Because then… there would be indeed no hope anymore; it would be too late.
Taking a breath, Merlin closed his eyes and reached deeply. For a moment, he found only darkness… close to panic, he let himself fall even deeper. And then, coming with an image of a young laughing blond prince, there was a tiny flicker in the dark. Far too fragile, but still there. Carefully, Merlin took hold of it and reached again. In the next second, Merlin’s eyes snapped open… he had seen where the King was right now, but…
Spinning around, he was off again, running downstairs and further downstairs, barely believing what he had seen.
***
Merlin only slowed down when he could see the door to Gaius’ old room. This part of the castle was barren, no one had wanted to live around here, let alone in the physician’s chambers, after what had happened here.
This time, Merlin had to make himself open the door… Arthur’s old chambers were bad enough, but this? This was far, far worse. Gritting his teeth, he entered, bracing himself. At times like this, he cursed his heightened senses… he could not only remember, he still saw things… Merlin shook himself like a dog would, and silently went through the pitch black, abandoned laboratory, keeping his eyes on the thin line of flickering light coming out from under the door to his old room. When he stood in front of the door, he hesitated again. Did he really want to… do, try that? As horrible his life and their goddamned destiny had turned out to be, it was still something he was used to. And, if things went wrong here… his life could become darker as it already was.
Do I really believe that? Is there even a possibility to make things worse? What can happen? He could kill me… and that would be actually a relief.
Breathing deeply and closing his eyes, Merlin laid one hand on the wooden door. He could feel Arthur on the other side, he could even sense the pain the other man was in. This was so not good. All of a sudden, he felt like the clumsy, eighteen years old boy again who hadn’t known how to deal with all his confusing emotions. Merlin suppressed a laugh. Whom was he kidding? He had never learned to deal with them, he had learned to ignore them. He opened his eyes again and took a last look at the door in front of him. This was madness. But he didn’t care. He didn’t care anymore. Merlin opened the door and went in.
***
Arthur sat on the old bed and looked straight at him. Merlin had never seen such a tired expression on that face… no, it was more than tired, Arthur’s eyes were empty.
“Finally,” the King said. “Finally you’re here. Do it. Finish it.”
Sighing, Merlin took off his cape and threw it on one of the two chairs and took a seat on the other one. He was very sure he had chosen the worst night possible for a talk with this man. “My Lo…”
“Stop! If you can’t bring yourself to call me by my name, then just… don’t call me anything. I’m not your lord, I never was,” Arthur paused for a minute. “Or maybe I was once… but then you never called me ‘my Lord’.”
When Merlin didn’t answer, a strange smile appeared on Arthur’s face. “As I said, Merlin… do it. You’d never let me wait before… Time’s short.”
“What do you want?” Merlin asked, feeling tired to the bone. It had been a mistake, coming here tonight.
Arthur’s eyes narrowed; then he jumped up, grabbed Merlin by the shoulders and lifted him out of the chair. Something dangerous and hot coiled deep down in Merlin’s belly; it had been far too long since anyone had touched him, even casually. He dimly wondered if he was so starved for it that he would even welcome being slapped.
Arthur’s face only a hand’s breadth away from his, he heard the other man whisper, “Kill me.”
In the next second, the King was lying on the bed, thrown there by a blink of Merlin’s eyes. Furious and at the same time so disappointed that he wondered if he even could stay in this godsforsaken land, the warlock turned to leave… and paused when he heard mirthless laughter coming from the man on the bed.
“No,” Arthur stated. “No, that would be too easy, wouldn’t it? Far too quickly for someone like me.”
Merlin turned around, fully intending to yell at the bastard. But when he saw Arthur, he couldn’t… he couldn’t help it. He started to laugh, his first real laughter in only the Gods knew how many years. Arthur looked so… tragic and dramatic… and now all of a sudden so insulted… it was too much. Completely hysterical now, Merlin barely made it back to the chair and then doubled over, screeching with laughter, tears streaming down his face.
While Arthur, startling red in the face, watched him with his fists balled on either side of his thighs, Merlin tried to not look too long at the Almighty King, because then he would never be able to stop laughing… and Arthur would surely kill him in no time; suddenly, Merlin wanted to stay alive, very much so.
When he had managed to bring himself at least slightly under control, he glanced up at the blond man who looked as if he would burst a vessel any second. “Ah Arthur,” Merlin was spluttering insanely, but still noticing keenly how badly the King startled at the mentioning of his name, “Do you even know how you sound? Do you ever stop and listen to yourself? You sound like such a pompous ass!”
“WHO DO YOU THINK…?” Arthur broke off when both Merlin and the chair he was sitting on gave up the ghost. The chair collapsed with a loud crash but the warlock continued to hover in the air, a bit lopsided, again screaming with laughter. Merlin was aware that he was driving Arthur crazy, but he couldn’t stop, neither did he want to. This was the healthiest thing he had done in years.
“Merlin… God!”
“No, no,” Merlin whimpered. “Not God. Gods!” Groaning, he tried to get a grip on himself, he was getting a stitch.
“Have you gone mad?”
“Absolutely possible,” the warlock answered and lowered himself to the ground, wiping away tears. When he was able to look up again at Arthur, the laughter faded away slowly. Because there he was again, the man he had thought lost. Mother was right, he is still here. Maybe buried under responsibility, shame, pain and of course, guilt -it had always been about guilt for Arthur, hadn’t it?- but he is still here.
Arthur stared down at him, totally confused, and not looking one year older than twenty. “Please stop,” he said hoarsely.
“Arthur… can’t you understand? I’m not laughing at you… well, all right, maybe I was laughing at you, but mostly I’m laughing at us! Look around!” Merlin pointed to the walls. “Look where we finally ended up. Don’t you think that’s hilarious?”
“No.”
“Aw, come on, Arthur!”
“It was exactly here where…”
“Yes!” Merlin interrupted him, becoming serious. “It was exactly here where everything went to hell. You came by, told me your father killed my mother, then Uther stormed in, killed Gaius, tried to kill me, I killed him and thereby made you King.”
***
“I still can see your face… I’m still dreaming about how you looked,” Arthur said silently. “I know… I’ve always known, it had been my fault. Everything that had happened that day… all my fault.”
And isn’t it the strangest thing, Merlin mused. For almost fifteen years, I’ve thought the same. And now, when he’s saying it, it sounds like such nonsense, I can barely believe I ever thought it true.
The warlock, who was now sitting on the bed beside the King, felt light like a feather. He had told his mother that he wasn’t able to turn back the time, but it certainly felt like he had done exactly that. This was maybe really the perfect place and the perfect time to have this conversation. Yes, the memories were close, horrible memories… but so were other emotions… and the feeling of being young again. Only a few hours ago, he would had given everything to crush the other man and now… Merlin looked at Arthur again, then he closed his eyes, a bit ruefully. As if I ever really had wanted to destroy him. Punish him, yes. And sadly, I’ve made a habit out of it. This is one of my parts of the blame… the other… “Arthur? Stop that, please. It hadn’t been your fault.”
“But of course. I had known where my father went… and I had had an idea about what he wanted to do. But I hadn’t told you… because I was… mad at you. Such a good reason, don’t you think?”
“You hadn’t even been in the castle, Arthur. Don’t you remember? You’d come back home from patrol in the evening and learned where your father went… and yes, you hadn’t told me immediately… but at that time, my mother had been already dead.”
“I remember every second of that day… and I also remember the days before. I had been yelling loudly at you for being a warlock; so loudly, I’d made overhearing easy.”
“I should have told you long before that day. I’m to blame for this, Arthur.”
The King continued, as if he hadn’t heard Merlin. “When I learned my father had been riding to Ealdor… I should have told you. I hadn’t been mad, that was a lie. But I was scared… so scared you would follow him and…”
“Kill him? I did it anyway.”
“No. I was afraid he would kill you. I knew he would the moment he’d see you. I knew how lucky you had been that… Gaius… had managed to keep you hidden. I… I hadn’t wanted to lose you. And yet, I did.”
Merlin glanced again at Arthur, and this time, blue eyes looked straight back at him. After taking a deep breath, Merlin asked, “How honest do you want me to be?”
Arthur cocked his head to one side. “What do you mean? Completely honest, of course.”
The warlock leaned back against the headboard. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Even if I tell you something I’m still not sure you want to hear? Even if it would risk what we just -maybe- found again?”
Merlin saw Arthur swallow, then the King nodded. “Yes.”
***
For the third time, Merlin opened his mouth and still, nothing came out. He felt more than stupid when faced with Arthur’s expectant look. Gods! There it is again… the feeling that I can’t tell him. At least not when he finally looks at me as if I matter to him. As if he cares. Maybe I should just be satisfied with this, with having the chance to build a friendship again. But then… I would once more build this friendship upon a lie.
“Merlin… whatever it is, you can…”
“Oh, oh… be careful, Arthur. There are some things that are now far more difficult than fifteen years ago.”
“Why?”
Merlin huffed. “Well, for example, this new religion your wife brought to us. Do you know that these rooms and my chambers up there are the only ones in the whole castle without weird fish-symbols on the walls?”
“What does that have to do with whatever you want to tell me? And by the way, it isn’t about fish, it’s…”
“Do I look like I care?” The warlock interrupted. Then, more thoughtfully, Merlin continued, “But you know, I wonder… what would her God say about what’s she’s doing in her bed whenever you’re not here?”
Wincing, Arthur shook his head. “It’s not really her fault. It’s…”
“Let me take a guess, Arthur. It is somehow your fault, isn’t it? You’re overdoing the ‘The Blame is Mine” thing you have going.”
“It is.” Arthur looked almost desperately at Merlin. “I’m not exactly… ah shit.” The King leaned forward and buried his face in his hands, but not quickly enough; Merlin had seen the tears in his eyes. Suddenly furious, the warlock snapped, “How? How on Earth can this be your fault, Arthur? Huh?”
For a moment, Arthur didn’t answer. Then… “I’m not good in… well. I’m not a good lover.”
Merlin stared at the blond man for a few minutes, and then, for the second time tonight, he burst out laughing. When he noticed Arthur standing up, he grabbed him at the arm and drew him back, still giggling. “No, no… that… wasn’t… I’m not laughing at you! Really! I’m just… Gods… that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Ridiculous, hm? How would you know?” Arthur asked angrily.
Oh boy. Isn’t that the question of my life? “Of course I know. No one is a bad lover… to be bad it takes two. I just bet…” deep breath “… you would be a perfect lover… with the right partner.”
Now Merlin had the King’s undivided attention… and the warlock felt close to throwing up. For the life of him, he couldn’t read Arthur’s expression.
“And who do you think… may be the right partner for me?”
Merlin’s heart began to sink; he tried to put his old mask on and knew he failed spectacularly. “Well… I told you that you might not want to hear this, didn’t I?”
Arthur lowered and shook his head. Just as Merlin decided to get out of there as quickly as possible, the King started to speak. “Gods, Merlin. You couldn’t have told me that… I don’t know, twenty years ago? Right at the beginning? I’d never thought…”
Merlin kind of couldn’t understand the rest, his heart was hammering far too loud in his ears. So he had been right all along. Bloody hell! Why hadn’t he… He suddenly noticed Arthur was looking at him as if expecting an answer. To what, Merlin couldn’t even venture a guess.
“Uh… what? I was… what?”
Arthur was fidgeting. “I asked you if you’re… sure. Really sure.”
Stupid. This man is and had always been stupid. Just as I. “Oh hell, yes.” With that, Merlin grabbed Arthur by the scruff of his neck and dragged him over the small mattress right into his arms. The warlock was already regretting two things: How fast this would be over and the fact they were down here and not in his huge bed upstairs. Then Arthur’s lips met his and his brain said good-bye and left the room.
***
“Gods, I don’t believe it! Get it off! Who the hell is dressing you these days?” Merlin, already half naked and freezing, was ripping just as frustrated as Arthur on the King’s belt.
“I did that myself.”
“Now that explains it. GAH!” A sudden flash of light, and the belt flew through the air.
“Why didn’t you do that before?”
Merlin showed the King his trembling hands. “I didn’t want to hex something else off; I’m not too steady right now!” When he saw Arthur’s slightly shocked expression, the warlock laughed quietly. “Nah, don’t worry. Joking. That’s the last thing I would hex off.”
“Merlin…”
“Oh no, please. Don’t tell me you’re having second thoughts, now?”
Arthur swallowed. “No, no second thoughts. It’s just… I’m really dreadful at this.” Before Arthur could avert his eyes, Merlin enfolded his face and leaned close. “Listen to me. She messed around with you. Arthur, I don’t think she…” Merlin broke off.
Blue eyes met his. “Spit it out, whatever you wanted to say!”
“I don’t think she… loves you.” Cringing a bit, Merlin was surprised when Arthur laughed straight into his face, loudly.
“You think? She never loved me, Merlin. The Prince? Probably. The King? Maybe. Me? Never. I’m not even sure if she loves Lancelot! I have no idea what’s going on inside her head.”
“I do.”
“You know what she wants?”
“No! I meant… ah hell!” Mortified, Merlin wondered if Arthur could see how badly he was blushing. He really should stop talking; they had been doing so greatly with the kissing.
This time, Arthur took hold of Merlin’s face and made him look into his eyes. “I love you, too, Merlin. I always have.”
“Please, Arthur, you don’t have to…”
“It’s the truth! But hell, Merlin, you never seemed to be interested! You never seemed to be interested in anyone, really! And then, after what had happened, I’d lost all… well.”
“You mean that?”
“Yes. But whatever you want to do now, I’m still dreadful at it.”
Merlin, who felt a bit crazy now due to unbelievable happiness, laughed softly. “I wouldn’t know anyway, so again, don’t worry. If you’re dreadful, I’m worse. But I bet we won’t notice… this will be over in two minutes. If you hurry a bit with the undressing, maybe in one minute. We can think about how dreadful we are the next time.”
To Merlin’s disappointment, Arthur obviously still wasn’t finished with talking. “What do you mean, you wouldn’t know anyway?”
Damn the man! Merlin wondered if it was possible to blush all over. If it was, he had managed to do so. “What do you think it means?”
A wondrous expression on his face, Arthur asked, “No one?”
“No one.” Merlin shrugged a bit, embarrassed. “I was only interested in you, and I never thought… I’d have a chance. I have a really good imagination, though.”
“Merlin, I promise I…”
“If the word ‘deflower’ comes out of your mouth, I will hex you into a toad.”
***
“Ungnnnnnf.”
Merlin, lying on his back, could only agree. Ungnnnnnf indeed. Staring up at the ceiling, the warlock pondered if he had been right with the estimated two minutes. It had seemed to be longer and shorter at the same time. But he had lost it completely after they had both been naked and Arthur had been grinding down on him and… wow. He had only one single thought in his head right now. He wanted to do it again. As soon as possible.
“You all right?” His absolute perfect lover beside him asked.
“I wouldn’t exactly call it ‘all right’,” the warlock answered. Somehow he found the energy to turn his head on the pillow and look at Arthur. Wow. The King looked… good. Really good. “You’re perfect.” And then Merlin watched with delight Arthur Blushing. All. Over.
“Do you even know how beautiful you are?”
“Aw Merlin, come on…”
“You are!” Merlin turned completely and right into an embrace. He hoisted himself up on one elbow and started to stroke over Arthur’s face with one finger. “Beautiful. Inside and out. I’m so sorry I made myself stop seeing it. Gods, I love you so much.”
Arthur raised his hand and combed his fingers through Merlin’s hair. “I’m sorry, too. So much time, lost. I…” Merlin laid one finger across Arthur’s lips.
“It doesn’t matter. The years don’t matter, Arthur. We have eternity.” Merlin was feeling a bit woozy… he hadn’t drunken anything, and still, the room swayed slightly. Apparently sex with Arthur was so brilliant he had become tipsy. Then, he got serious again, following the big scar that went from Arthur’s temple down to his chin with a fingertip. “I wish I could have prevented that.”
“You weren’t there when it happened.”
“No excuse.”
Arthur huffed. “Well, at least the beard covers most of it.”
“Ah, the beard. Arthur? Would you be terribly hurt if I’d tell you I hate the beard? And the long hair? It’s awful.”
The King laughed. “No, not at all. Hell, hex it off right now. Go ahead!”
For a minute, Merlin actually considered doing it. Then he shook his head. “No. I’m really a bit out of it right now… I will shave you tomorrow, without magic. I’m looking forward to it.” The warlock yawned. “Will feel like the old times again.”
“Yes.” Arthur yawned, too.
“What do you think, Almighty King? Should we drag ourselves upstairs to my chambers?”
Arthur looked thoughtful for a moment, then he shook his head. “Would you mind staying here for the night? I’ll keep you warm.”
Merlin looked at the barren room, at his old thin mattress… but whatever. “We can stay here, if you want. But I do count on you to keep me warm; I get cold very easily.”
“I promise.” Arthur rolled back on top of Merlin, grinning. “Warm enough?”
“Perfect, as before.” Wrapping his arms around Arthur’s neck, the Royal Warlock kissed the King again. “Gods, I could kiss you for the rest of my life.”
“You will,” Arthur answered, smiling happily.
“You look so different now. A few hours before, you looked like the whole world was resting on your shoulders. Now you look… free.”
“Well, I just made love with the one person I always loved. And I enjoyed it more than I can tell you.”
“Arthur? You do know we’re both the worst pushovers ever, don’t you?”
“Do you care?”
“No.”
“Me neither. Maybe tomorrow.” Arthur smiled again. “Let’s go to sleep, love.”
“Mhm.” Merlin raised his hand to catch the two capes that were flying in their direction, and then tried to get a bit closer to Arthur, and drifted off to sleep.
***
A few hours later -it was still dark behind the window- the warlock woke up for a moment, because he was cold. Feeling around a bit, he drowsily noticed that Arthur had somehow managed, even on this tiny mattress, to hog the covers. He shoved the other man, who seemed to be kind of wrapped into sheets, around a bit until he got Arthur half on top of him and himself a bit under the blanket. For a minute, the warlock wondered -Blanket?- but then Arthur snuggled close and it was warm again and hell, he was tired. He kissed the other man’s cheek and fell asleep, still having the feeling something weird was going on.
***
There was loud knocking. “Merlin? Merlin!”
A door opened. “Merlin! You really don’t want to be late on… OH DEAR!”
Sitting up, heart pounding, Merlin stared unbelievingly at the old man on the threshold. “Gaius?” Beside him, Arthur was mumbling something, still not really awake.
The old physician stared straight back at the warlock and then started to retreat quickly.
“Gaius? Gaius, wait!”
“No, no,” came the answer behind the already closed door. “I don’t want to know. I really don’t want to know! I’m going to the market!”
Bang! That had been the sound of the door to the laboratory being shut.
Merlin sat on his bed, blinking rapidly. What…? Then his gaze fell on his hands and he simply stared. No way could this be happening. It had to be a dream. Almost scared, he looked at Arthur who somehow was still asleep, and stared again. No beard. No scars. Short hair. He didn’t look a day older than when they had met the first time. All right. This really didn’t feel like a dream.
“Arthur?” Gods! What if… what if he doesn’t remember last night? Where are we? Or better, when are we? “Arthur!”
The King -Prince?- turned his face into the pillow. “Gods, Merlin. Lemme sleep a bit more, all right? I’m not used to what we’ve been doinnnnn mmmmpf.”
“Arthur, wake up, RIGHT NOW!”
Groaning, the blond man sat up, eyes still closed. “What?” He asked and then rubbed his face with both hands. Pause. “I thought you didn’t want to shave me with magic? What…?” Arthur broke off the moment his eyes opened. After a second, they were wide open. “What the hell… what did you do?”
Merlin shook his head. “Nothing I can remember. Arthur… uh… Gaius just came in to wake me.”
“WHAT?”
“I know.” Standing up, Merlin opened a drawer to get a mirror. After one look into it, he groaned even louder than Arthur had a minute ago. Gods. After years of being glad that he finally had grown into his face, he was now back again to the bony face and the big ears. Not that this was the really important thing right now. “Merlin?” Right.
Arthur was looking scared and Merlin didn’t blame him a bit.
“I swear. Arthur, I swear I didn’t do anything… No spell, no noth…” His voice trailed off when he remembered the way he had been feeling last night. ’It doesn’t matter. The years don’t matter, Arthur. We have eternity.’ Maybe he had somehow managed…
“Merlin, talk to me!”
“Yesterday, I told my mother even I can’t turn back time. But maybe…”
“You talked to your mother yesterday?”
Now Arthur looked freaked out.
“Uh… sometimes I can… You know what? That doesn’t matter right now!” Merlin yelled, then cringed. “Sorry. But… I’ll tell you later, okay? We have to find out now what’s going on… where we are. If this is really Camelot or if something has changed since… Gods. Arthur… I think Gaius just woke me to tell me I don’t want to be late on my first day at service. As your new manservant.” Merlin looked for a minute at the shell-shocked man on the bed. “Wow. I don’t think he was impressed to find out I’m already at work.”
“But that didn’t happen then!”
“Exactly. And that is why we have to be really careful. Arthur, this could be…” The warlock stopped when Arthur suddenly jumped up and hugged him. “What?”
“Merlin, if this is true… then you did indeed give us eternity.”
Although he couldn’t believe it himself, Merlin swerved when Arthur leaned forward to kiss him. “No! Arthur… this is dangerous! Think for a minute… with your head. If this is real, you’re not the King. Think! Uther. Morgana.” Mordred! “The Dragon. Gwen…”
“Merlin! I’m not stupid. But you should do some thinking yourself! Your mother. Your father. Gaius. And hey… Lancelot and Gwen!”
Merlin swallowed hard. He had the feeling he couldn’t move, in any direction. So much for the Sight. So much for all the shit that had happened. But… “The future…”
“Stop! If this proves to be the real thing, the future is unwritten yet.”
“But we have our memories.”
“Yes. And if you ask me, we deserve a second chance! We do!”
Breathing in shakily, Merlin was very glad about the protective arms still wrapped around him. He was scared; meddling with the future was deadly. But Arthur was right, too; the future was -could be- yet unwritten. Gods. His head was buzzing like a beehive.
“Arthur, we have to go out and look for clues if this is, in fact, true.”
“We should put some clothes on, before,” the prince smirked.
“Yeah. And you have to stop being so giddy! Please try to remember how you treated me then, all right?”
“What? You want to go back to scrubbing floors and…”
“No! I can do that now with magic any…” Merlin broke off again and sat down hard. He hadn’t thought about it yet, but… he had been, and still was, now far more powerful than his younger self. And this in turn meant…
Arthur sat down on his heels in front of him; Merlin tried to keep his eyes on the prince’s face. It was hard to ignore a glorious naked Arthur.
“What is it, Merlin?”
“Uh… I think I’m having some kind of nervous break-down.”
“What?”
“I just thought about magic… and me… and your father. Arthur, I doubt I can just stand aside and let Uther kill people. Huh. I doubt I can face your father at all!”
“Hey…” Arthur touched Merlin’s cheek gently, “… we’ll manage. Somehow. Don’t forget, we’re both here… we can talk things through. And hell, if everything else fails, you can get us away from here!”
Merlin stared at Arthur, then he sighed. “Can you do me a favor?”
“Anything.”
“Could you kiss me right through that mattress? Could you make love to me, right now? I think I really need this to keep it together.”
“I’d be delighted.”
“Thank you.”
***
Tired again, but still far too nervous, Merlin followed Arthur down the steps and out on the courtyard. He wasn’t only scared of his own reactions, he was even more scared of Arthur’s behavior. The prince was in a far too good mood. Arthur had never been so… good-humored in those days; and the way others looked at the smiling man proved that running around with such a big grin was not a good idea. “Arthur,” Merlin whispered. “Turn it down a bit. You look too happy.”
Arthur cocked his head and grinned even more. And Gods… Merlin just had to smile back, at least a bit. The prince, he… looked so happy and free and… well, as if he just got laid, and all of a sudden, Merlin had to avert his gaze because he felt tears springing to his eyes. This was what he had dreamt of so many nights; he had thought those dreams as a punishment for all the mistakes he had made in his life. And now… maybe these dreams had been visions in reality, and the dreams he believed caused by the Sight had been nightmares?
Still blinking to shoo the tears away, Merlin took a few steps forward without looking and bumped into another person. Looking up, the warlock jumped back, right into Arthur’s arms. UTHER! Shit.
“Now, now,” he heard the king say. “Don’t look so scared, young man. But watch out where you’re going next time. Arthur… are you all right, Son?”
Scared, my ass. You should be thankful you’re still alive! Outwardly, Merlin lowered his head meekly, mumbling, “I’m sorry, my Lord.” Then he noticed Arthur still hadn’t said a word. After a quick side-glance at the prince, who stood there staring at his father, the warlock looked again down at his boots and let his magic pinch Arthur in the arse.
That startled Arthur right out of his stunned state. “Ah, Father… I’m sorry, what did you say? My thoughts are already on… uh.”
“The tournament, I know.” Uther smiled, which made Merlin grind his teeth some more. “I won’t prevent you from training. I want to see you win, Son!” Uther clapped Arthur on the shoulder and went by, vanishing inside the castle.
After a few moments, Merlin heard the other man say, “Shit.”
“Yeah.”
Then both of them looked at each other. “Tournament?”
***
“Wow,” Merlin remarked. “Valiant will be so disappointed when the snakes won’t move.” Arthur and he were still staring at the huge wooden wall with all the shield images on it. “At least now we know what day it is.”
“We’re right at the beginning.”
“Yes. And stop that, you’re giddy again.”
“Merlin… you do know that when his shield isn’t working, you will save one of my knights the day after tomorrow?” Arthur said quietly.
Sighing, Merlin pointed to the empty wooden benches around the field. “Let’s talk over there.”
After they had taken their seats and Merlin had made sure no one was close enough to overhear them, he answered. “See, that’s what I meant before. I don’t know what to do or what I shouldn’t do. Shall I let him die?”
“No!”
“But he did die the last time. How can I…”
“Merlin. You know as well as I do that it is impossible to change nothing. Do you know why I know this? Because even if my life would depend on it, I won’t touch Gwen again.”
“Hell, if you touch Gwen again, you can forget about your life.” Ignoring Arthur’s bark of laughter, Merlin looked morosely down at the field. There were far too many things to consider… Mordred and Morgana for example. Morgana… well, he had time there. About a year, to decide what to do with her. Mordred on the other hand… Merlin wondered if the boy would even show up here. Mordred was cunning, as a boy and later as a man. He would probably sense how powerful Merlin now was and wouldn’t come to the castle. But if he did… Merlin wouldn’t make this mistake twice.
“Hey. One day at a time, all right?”
“Hm?”
“You look like the whole world is resting on your shoulders.”
Merlin huffed. “What, now you start repeating me?”
“If it’s worth repeating.” Arthur smiled at him again, this goddamn happy smile, and finally, Merlin gave in.
“All right, Sire.” Ignoring the groan and the smile, Merlin leaned back at the wood behind him and relaxed for the first time. “What do you want to do right now? And please, nothing that involves meeting Gwen, Morgana or Gaius. Your father was more than enough for me to handle.”
“You know what the first thing will be that we’ll change?”
“Do tell.”
“You will move up to my chambers. You will live in the servant’s room right beside mine.”
“After this morning, I can’t wait to see Gaius’ reaction to that.” Merlin sighed. “You really think we can pull that off?”
“Pull what off? You got out of it the last time! Usually my manservant sleeps in the adjourning room. I let you sleep downstairs!”
The warlock shook his head. “You know very well that wasn’t what I meant, Arthur.”
“Merlin, behind locked doors, we can do whatever we want. And if someone finds out… those things aren’t unheard of, you know?”
“Really?”
“Yep.”
“So now you want to what? Move my things?”
“No.” Arthur stood up and jumped over a few benches down to the ground. Again, there were butterflies in Merlin’s stomach when he saw how young Arthur looked. This was worth everything.
Merlin looked around once more to see if they were still alone, then hissed, “What have you in mind right now?”
“I need to train for the tournament.” A huge toothy grin appeared on Arthur’s face. “How’s your mace work coming along?”
“You’ve got to be kidding me!”
“No. Don’t forget the helmet!” Laughing, Arthur broke out into a run toward the armory while Merlin followed him at a slower pace. When he was in the middle of the field, the warlock paused for a moment and looked around. The sun was blazing above him, everything was bright, he could hear laughter from the market. Before he moved on, he threw one glance at the huge red-golden Pendragon banner. A sudden breeze sprung up, making the dragon rear up for a second and then rest again.
Merlin smiled; then he turned about and followed his lover. Arthur had been right, they were really deserving a second chance.
The End.
~ Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity. ~
Senecca
Summary: When the King had left, Merlin waited for a few tense minutes -it wouldn’t be unusual for Arthur to return in a sudden fit of temper- then he thought the door locked. The moment he heard the clicking sound, Merlin deflated, sinking down to the floor and burying his face in his hands.
Warning/Spoiler: Slash, Angst, First Time, Romance, Future!Fic (with a twist), King!Arthur, Powerful!Merlin, Spoilers for Season One and Two
Rating: Mild, very mild R
Pairing: Merlin/Arthur, Lancelot/Gwen, Past Arthur/Gwen (uh, if you really like Gwen, you may want to skip this one)
Word Count: 7.104
Disclaimer: The show and all characters are owned by the BBC. This is just for fun.
HUGE thanks as always to my lovely beta caelly . I can't tell you how much you and your never-ending encouragement mean to me. Hm. Maybe in a few years, I'll find the right words. *smooches*
Time Is Eternity
Merlin was trying to read one of Gaius’ old books - no matter how many years had passed, he still wasn’t fond of spells he had to learn - when the door to his chambers crashed open. Before he could look up, the door closed just as loud again and the King was already halfway into the room. Arthur looked devastated. “Merlin…”
The Royal Warlock stood up slowly. He didn’t have to ask what had happened, he already knew. It had been only a matter of time anyway. “My Lord. You’re back early.”
The King tried to smile but managed only some ugly grimace. “You’re not the only one surprised by my return.” When Merlin didn’t answer, he continued. “You know what I just found out? I… Guinevere and… Lancelot. I…”
Merlin steeled himself against the anguish he could hear in Arthur’s voice. “Indeed. What do you want me do, my Lord? Shall I… remove Lancelot from Camelot, from Albion?”
“No!” Arthur stared at him, looking suddenly incredibly young again. “Merlin… Please, I came here because… I want to talk to a friend.”
The warlock tried, but for the life of him he couldn’t stop the bitter laugh escaping. “Friend? You call me your friend? Since when, my Lord? If I recall correctly, you’re usually calling me a ‘means to an end’. Lancelot is your friend… or had been your friend, I guess. Don’t trouble yourself; I’m sure you will find someone else to replace him very soon.” He could see the impact his words had on Arthur, but the other man still looked… too much like the young prince he once had been; Merlin wanted him gone, he didn’t want to remember the time where he himself had been young enough to have something like hope for the unattainable.
“Merlin…” Voice hoarse, full of betrayal, the King backed off a step.
He can’t see it, Merlin thought. He had never been able to. He had never understood what he had done to me. Straightening up to his full height and letting his magic bleed out of him enough to scare off even a king, Merlin asked again, “What is it you want? Both of them gone? I can whisk them away, right now, by a thought. Just give the order.”
For some reason, that did it. The prince was gone, what remained was the face of the Once and Future King, eyes hard as always, mouth grim.
Merlin smiled.
“No. I won’t trouble you further, Emrys. Good night.”
When the King had left, Merlin waited for a few tense minutes -it wouldn’t be unusual for Arthur to return in a sudden fit of temper- then he thought the door locked. The moment he heard the clicking sound, Merlin deflated, sinking down to the floor and burying his face in his hands.
***
An hour later, the warlock was lying on his bed, staring up at the canopy but not seeing a thing. All around him he could hear voices whispering; voices of people long dead. A bit more far away, he heard Morgana’s laughter, and even further, beyond a veil, Nimueh’s. He turned his head to the side, as if to escape, until finally, as always, the other voices were drowned out by the one he had been waiting for.
Merlin…
“Mother.”
Merlin, why?
He shook his head in silence.
Can’t you forgive? After all these years, can’t you forgive him?
“It’s not so easy, Mother.”
It is. Why do you still lay all the blame on him?
“He IS to blame.”
And you are not? How often had he reached out for you?
“He had never apologized.”
A sigh. No, but you have never expected him to. He had never said the words, and you have all this time refused to see that he had apologized, in ways you were once able to recognize.
“Still…”
Are you happy, Merlin? Are you the one you wanted to be?
Merlin closed his eyes tightly. “No. No. But even I can’t turn back the time, Mother.”
Maybe. But there is still time.
“You don’t understand. I am not…” Merlin swallowed the rest. “And he isn’t the man he once was, either.”
And yet he is. You have just seen him. And so are you.
“Mother… you don’t understand,” he repeated weakly.
Maybe. But you don’t want to understand.
“But… what can I do?”
Silence.
“Mother? Mother!”
She was gone. Merlin turned around and buried his face in the pillows; then he gave up and started to cry.
***
It was in the midst of the night when Merlin left his chambers. Dressed in black from head to toe, he knew he was barely visible to the guards who stood in the dim halls, but they still bowed down to him. No, he had truly not become the man he once wanted to be… he had never wished to become someone who had to be feared, the tool of a just as fearsome King. But… maybe his mother had been right. Maybe there was still time.
Merlin took the flight of stairs that would carry him up to the royal chambers; he had a good idea where to find the King. When he passed the King’s chambers, the door opened and Lancelot appeared, only to withdraw hastily after seeing the warlock. Merlin ignored him completely, as he always did. Lancelot, Gwen, Gawain… all of them he had once called his friends. And now even Gawain, the friendly, always laughing Gawain, who had stood by him for the longest time, averted his eyes when the Royal Warlock entered the room; all of them did all they could to avoid his evil eyes.
Finally reaching his destination, Merlin slowly opened the door to the chambers which once were owned by the Crown Prince. With bated breath, he looked around, fighting off the storm of memories these rooms still brought to him. Arthur wasn’t there. Disappointed, Merlin looked around once more; the room had changed, of course. For years now, it was waiting for the next prince, for a child that never had been and never would be. When his glance fell on the cradle, Merlin turned and left quickly.
Out again in the dark hallway, he hesitated. Maybe he should let it go after all. Maybe this was his destiny, maybe Camelot and Albion wasn’t the bright place he had dreamt of, many years ago. He had often been deceived by the Sight… Again, he turned around and ran downstairs this time, as if he could really flee from his memories. Trying to keep his thoughts on the here and now, he reconsidered Arthur’s whereabouts… and noticed suddenly that he hadn’t the slightest idea where to look for him.
Merlin wandered to one of the windows that overlooked the gardens and stared out into the night. There was one other possibility to look for Arthur… if it was still working. And if he wasn’t too afraid of trying.
About -Gods- fifteen years ago, there had been a bond forming between warlock and prince; well, maybe it had been one-sided. Since it had happened very shortly before Uther died, he had never talked with Arthur about it, because it had also been the beginning of their estrangement. Still, this bond had been useful for a younger Merlin to watch out for Arthur.
But he hadn’t done this for longer than he could remember, and suddenly he was scared to search for it and found it gone. Because then… there would be indeed no hope anymore; it would be too late.
Taking a breath, Merlin closed his eyes and reached deeply. For a moment, he found only darkness… close to panic, he let himself fall even deeper. And then, coming with an image of a young laughing blond prince, there was a tiny flicker in the dark. Far too fragile, but still there. Carefully, Merlin took hold of it and reached again. In the next second, Merlin’s eyes snapped open… he had seen where the King was right now, but…
Spinning around, he was off again, running downstairs and further downstairs, barely believing what he had seen.
***
Merlin only slowed down when he could see the door to Gaius’ old room. This part of the castle was barren, no one had wanted to live around here, let alone in the physician’s chambers, after what had happened here.
This time, Merlin had to make himself open the door… Arthur’s old chambers were bad enough, but this? This was far, far worse. Gritting his teeth, he entered, bracing himself. At times like this, he cursed his heightened senses… he could not only remember, he still saw things… Merlin shook himself like a dog would, and silently went through the pitch black, abandoned laboratory, keeping his eyes on the thin line of flickering light coming out from under the door to his old room. When he stood in front of the door, he hesitated again. Did he really want to… do, try that? As horrible his life and their goddamned destiny had turned out to be, it was still something he was used to. And, if things went wrong here… his life could become darker as it already was.
Do I really believe that? Is there even a possibility to make things worse? What can happen? He could kill me… and that would be actually a relief.
Breathing deeply and closing his eyes, Merlin laid one hand on the wooden door. He could feel Arthur on the other side, he could even sense the pain the other man was in. This was so not good. All of a sudden, he felt like the clumsy, eighteen years old boy again who hadn’t known how to deal with all his confusing emotions. Merlin suppressed a laugh. Whom was he kidding? He had never learned to deal with them, he had learned to ignore them. He opened his eyes again and took a last look at the door in front of him. This was madness. But he didn’t care. He didn’t care anymore. Merlin opened the door and went in.
***
Arthur sat on the old bed and looked straight at him. Merlin had never seen such a tired expression on that face… no, it was more than tired, Arthur’s eyes were empty.
“Finally,” the King said. “Finally you’re here. Do it. Finish it.”
Sighing, Merlin took off his cape and threw it on one of the two chairs and took a seat on the other one. He was very sure he had chosen the worst night possible for a talk with this man. “My Lo…”
“Stop! If you can’t bring yourself to call me by my name, then just… don’t call me anything. I’m not your lord, I never was,” Arthur paused for a minute. “Or maybe I was once… but then you never called me ‘my Lord’.”
When Merlin didn’t answer, a strange smile appeared on Arthur’s face. “As I said, Merlin… do it. You’d never let me wait before… Time’s short.”
“What do you want?” Merlin asked, feeling tired to the bone. It had been a mistake, coming here tonight.
Arthur’s eyes narrowed; then he jumped up, grabbed Merlin by the shoulders and lifted him out of the chair. Something dangerous and hot coiled deep down in Merlin’s belly; it had been far too long since anyone had touched him, even casually. He dimly wondered if he was so starved for it that he would even welcome being slapped.
Arthur’s face only a hand’s breadth away from his, he heard the other man whisper, “Kill me.”
In the next second, the King was lying on the bed, thrown there by a blink of Merlin’s eyes. Furious and at the same time so disappointed that he wondered if he even could stay in this godsforsaken land, the warlock turned to leave… and paused when he heard mirthless laughter coming from the man on the bed.
“No,” Arthur stated. “No, that would be too easy, wouldn’t it? Far too quickly for someone like me.”
Merlin turned around, fully intending to yell at the bastard. But when he saw Arthur, he couldn’t… he couldn’t help it. He started to laugh, his first real laughter in only the Gods knew how many years. Arthur looked so… tragic and dramatic… and now all of a sudden so insulted… it was too much. Completely hysterical now, Merlin barely made it back to the chair and then doubled over, screeching with laughter, tears streaming down his face.
While Arthur, startling red in the face, watched him with his fists balled on either side of his thighs, Merlin tried to not look too long at the Almighty King, because then he would never be able to stop laughing… and Arthur would surely kill him in no time; suddenly, Merlin wanted to stay alive, very much so.
When he had managed to bring himself at least slightly under control, he glanced up at the blond man who looked as if he would burst a vessel any second. “Ah Arthur,” Merlin was spluttering insanely, but still noticing keenly how badly the King startled at the mentioning of his name, “Do you even know how you sound? Do you ever stop and listen to yourself? You sound like such a pompous ass!”
“WHO DO YOU THINK…?” Arthur broke off when both Merlin and the chair he was sitting on gave up the ghost. The chair collapsed with a loud crash but the warlock continued to hover in the air, a bit lopsided, again screaming with laughter. Merlin was aware that he was driving Arthur crazy, but he couldn’t stop, neither did he want to. This was the healthiest thing he had done in years.
“Merlin… God!”
“No, no,” Merlin whimpered. “Not God. Gods!” Groaning, he tried to get a grip on himself, he was getting a stitch.
“Have you gone mad?”
“Absolutely possible,” the warlock answered and lowered himself to the ground, wiping away tears. When he was able to look up again at Arthur, the laughter faded away slowly. Because there he was again, the man he had thought lost. Mother was right, he is still here. Maybe buried under responsibility, shame, pain and of course, guilt -it had always been about guilt for Arthur, hadn’t it?- but he is still here.
Arthur stared down at him, totally confused, and not looking one year older than twenty. “Please stop,” he said hoarsely.
“Arthur… can’t you understand? I’m not laughing at you… well, all right, maybe I was laughing at you, but mostly I’m laughing at us! Look around!” Merlin pointed to the walls. “Look where we finally ended up. Don’t you think that’s hilarious?”
“No.”
“Aw, come on, Arthur!”
“It was exactly here where…”
“Yes!” Merlin interrupted him, becoming serious. “It was exactly here where everything went to hell. You came by, told me your father killed my mother, then Uther stormed in, killed Gaius, tried to kill me, I killed him and thereby made you King.”
***
“I still can see your face… I’m still dreaming about how you looked,” Arthur said silently. “I know… I’ve always known, it had been my fault. Everything that had happened that day… all my fault.”
And isn’t it the strangest thing, Merlin mused. For almost fifteen years, I’ve thought the same. And now, when he’s saying it, it sounds like such nonsense, I can barely believe I ever thought it true.
The warlock, who was now sitting on the bed beside the King, felt light like a feather. He had told his mother that he wasn’t able to turn back the time, but it certainly felt like he had done exactly that. This was maybe really the perfect place and the perfect time to have this conversation. Yes, the memories were close, horrible memories… but so were other emotions… and the feeling of being young again. Only a few hours ago, he would had given everything to crush the other man and now… Merlin looked at Arthur again, then he closed his eyes, a bit ruefully. As if I ever really had wanted to destroy him. Punish him, yes. And sadly, I’ve made a habit out of it. This is one of my parts of the blame… the other… “Arthur? Stop that, please. It hadn’t been your fault.”
“But of course. I had known where my father went… and I had had an idea about what he wanted to do. But I hadn’t told you… because I was… mad at you. Such a good reason, don’t you think?”
“You hadn’t even been in the castle, Arthur. Don’t you remember? You’d come back home from patrol in the evening and learned where your father went… and yes, you hadn’t told me immediately… but at that time, my mother had been already dead.”
“I remember every second of that day… and I also remember the days before. I had been yelling loudly at you for being a warlock; so loudly, I’d made overhearing easy.”
“I should have told you long before that day. I’m to blame for this, Arthur.”
The King continued, as if he hadn’t heard Merlin. “When I learned my father had been riding to Ealdor… I should have told you. I hadn’t been mad, that was a lie. But I was scared… so scared you would follow him and…”
“Kill him? I did it anyway.”
“No. I was afraid he would kill you. I knew he would the moment he’d see you. I knew how lucky you had been that… Gaius… had managed to keep you hidden. I… I hadn’t wanted to lose you. And yet, I did.”
Merlin glanced again at Arthur, and this time, blue eyes looked straight back at him. After taking a deep breath, Merlin asked, “How honest do you want me to be?”
Arthur cocked his head to one side. “What do you mean? Completely honest, of course.”
The warlock leaned back against the headboard. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Even if I tell you something I’m still not sure you want to hear? Even if it would risk what we just -maybe- found again?”
Merlin saw Arthur swallow, then the King nodded. “Yes.”
***
For the third time, Merlin opened his mouth and still, nothing came out. He felt more than stupid when faced with Arthur’s expectant look. Gods! There it is again… the feeling that I can’t tell him. At least not when he finally looks at me as if I matter to him. As if he cares. Maybe I should just be satisfied with this, with having the chance to build a friendship again. But then… I would once more build this friendship upon a lie.
“Merlin… whatever it is, you can…”
“Oh, oh… be careful, Arthur. There are some things that are now far more difficult than fifteen years ago.”
“Why?”
Merlin huffed. “Well, for example, this new religion your wife brought to us. Do you know that these rooms and my chambers up there are the only ones in the whole castle without weird fish-symbols on the walls?”
“What does that have to do with whatever you want to tell me? And by the way, it isn’t about fish, it’s…”
“Do I look like I care?” The warlock interrupted. Then, more thoughtfully, Merlin continued, “But you know, I wonder… what would her God say about what’s she’s doing in her bed whenever you’re not here?”
Wincing, Arthur shook his head. “It’s not really her fault. It’s…”
“Let me take a guess, Arthur. It is somehow your fault, isn’t it? You’re overdoing the ‘The Blame is Mine” thing you have going.”
“It is.” Arthur looked almost desperately at Merlin. “I’m not exactly… ah shit.” The King leaned forward and buried his face in his hands, but not quickly enough; Merlin had seen the tears in his eyes. Suddenly furious, the warlock snapped, “How? How on Earth can this be your fault, Arthur? Huh?”
For a moment, Arthur didn’t answer. Then… “I’m not good in… well. I’m not a good lover.”
Merlin stared at the blond man for a few minutes, and then, for the second time tonight, he burst out laughing. When he noticed Arthur standing up, he grabbed him at the arm and drew him back, still giggling. “No, no… that… wasn’t… I’m not laughing at you! Really! I’m just… Gods… that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.”
“Ridiculous, hm? How would you know?” Arthur asked angrily.
Oh boy. Isn’t that the question of my life? “Of course I know. No one is a bad lover… to be bad it takes two. I just bet…” deep breath “… you would be a perfect lover… with the right partner.”
Now Merlin had the King’s undivided attention… and the warlock felt close to throwing up. For the life of him, he couldn’t read Arthur’s expression.
“And who do you think… may be the right partner for me?”
Merlin’s heart began to sink; he tried to put his old mask on and knew he failed spectacularly. “Well… I told you that you might not want to hear this, didn’t I?”
Arthur lowered and shook his head. Just as Merlin decided to get out of there as quickly as possible, the King started to speak. “Gods, Merlin. You couldn’t have told me that… I don’t know, twenty years ago? Right at the beginning? I’d never thought…”
Merlin kind of couldn’t understand the rest, his heart was hammering far too loud in his ears. So he had been right all along. Bloody hell! Why hadn’t he… He suddenly noticed Arthur was looking at him as if expecting an answer. To what, Merlin couldn’t even venture a guess.
“Uh… what? I was… what?”
Arthur was fidgeting. “I asked you if you’re… sure. Really sure.”
Stupid. This man is and had always been stupid. Just as I. “Oh hell, yes.” With that, Merlin grabbed Arthur by the scruff of his neck and dragged him over the small mattress right into his arms. The warlock was already regretting two things: How fast this would be over and the fact they were down here and not in his huge bed upstairs. Then Arthur’s lips met his and his brain said good-bye and left the room.
***
“Gods, I don’t believe it! Get it off! Who the hell is dressing you these days?” Merlin, already half naked and freezing, was ripping just as frustrated as Arthur on the King’s belt.
“I did that myself.”
“Now that explains it. GAH!” A sudden flash of light, and the belt flew through the air.
“Why didn’t you do that before?”
Merlin showed the King his trembling hands. “I didn’t want to hex something else off; I’m not too steady right now!” When he saw Arthur’s slightly shocked expression, the warlock laughed quietly. “Nah, don’t worry. Joking. That’s the last thing I would hex off.”
“Merlin…”
“Oh no, please. Don’t tell me you’re having second thoughts, now?”
Arthur swallowed. “No, no second thoughts. It’s just… I’m really dreadful at this.” Before Arthur could avert his eyes, Merlin enfolded his face and leaned close. “Listen to me. She messed around with you. Arthur, I don’t think she…” Merlin broke off.
Blue eyes met his. “Spit it out, whatever you wanted to say!”
“I don’t think she… loves you.” Cringing a bit, Merlin was surprised when Arthur laughed straight into his face, loudly.
“You think? She never loved me, Merlin. The Prince? Probably. The King? Maybe. Me? Never. I’m not even sure if she loves Lancelot! I have no idea what’s going on inside her head.”
“I do.”
“You know what she wants?”
“No! I meant… ah hell!” Mortified, Merlin wondered if Arthur could see how badly he was blushing. He really should stop talking; they had been doing so greatly with the kissing.
This time, Arthur took hold of Merlin’s face and made him look into his eyes. “I love you, too, Merlin. I always have.”
“Please, Arthur, you don’t have to…”
“It’s the truth! But hell, Merlin, you never seemed to be interested! You never seemed to be interested in anyone, really! And then, after what had happened, I’d lost all… well.”
“You mean that?”
“Yes. But whatever you want to do now, I’m still dreadful at it.”
Merlin, who felt a bit crazy now due to unbelievable happiness, laughed softly. “I wouldn’t know anyway, so again, don’t worry. If you’re dreadful, I’m worse. But I bet we won’t notice… this will be over in two minutes. If you hurry a bit with the undressing, maybe in one minute. We can think about how dreadful we are the next time.”
To Merlin’s disappointment, Arthur obviously still wasn’t finished with talking. “What do you mean, you wouldn’t know anyway?”
Damn the man! Merlin wondered if it was possible to blush all over. If it was, he had managed to do so. “What do you think it means?”
A wondrous expression on his face, Arthur asked, “No one?”
“No one.” Merlin shrugged a bit, embarrassed. “I was only interested in you, and I never thought… I’d have a chance. I have a really good imagination, though.”
“Merlin, I promise I…”
“If the word ‘deflower’ comes out of your mouth, I will hex you into a toad.”
***
“Ungnnnnnf.”
Merlin, lying on his back, could only agree. Ungnnnnnf indeed. Staring up at the ceiling, the warlock pondered if he had been right with the estimated two minutes. It had seemed to be longer and shorter at the same time. But he had lost it completely after they had both been naked and Arthur had been grinding down on him and… wow. He had only one single thought in his head right now. He wanted to do it again. As soon as possible.
“You all right?” His absolute perfect lover beside him asked.
“I wouldn’t exactly call it ‘all right’,” the warlock answered. Somehow he found the energy to turn his head on the pillow and look at Arthur. Wow. The King looked… good. Really good. “You’re perfect.” And then Merlin watched with delight Arthur Blushing. All. Over.
“Do you even know how beautiful you are?”
“Aw Merlin, come on…”
“You are!” Merlin turned completely and right into an embrace. He hoisted himself up on one elbow and started to stroke over Arthur’s face with one finger. “Beautiful. Inside and out. I’m so sorry I made myself stop seeing it. Gods, I love you so much.”
Arthur raised his hand and combed his fingers through Merlin’s hair. “I’m sorry, too. So much time, lost. I…” Merlin laid one finger across Arthur’s lips.
“It doesn’t matter. The years don’t matter, Arthur. We have eternity.” Merlin was feeling a bit woozy… he hadn’t drunken anything, and still, the room swayed slightly. Apparently sex with Arthur was so brilliant he had become tipsy. Then, he got serious again, following the big scar that went from Arthur’s temple down to his chin with a fingertip. “I wish I could have prevented that.”
“You weren’t there when it happened.”
“No excuse.”
Arthur huffed. “Well, at least the beard covers most of it.”
“Ah, the beard. Arthur? Would you be terribly hurt if I’d tell you I hate the beard? And the long hair? It’s awful.”
The King laughed. “No, not at all. Hell, hex it off right now. Go ahead!”
For a minute, Merlin actually considered doing it. Then he shook his head. “No. I’m really a bit out of it right now… I will shave you tomorrow, without magic. I’m looking forward to it.” The warlock yawned. “Will feel like the old times again.”
“Yes.” Arthur yawned, too.
“What do you think, Almighty King? Should we drag ourselves upstairs to my chambers?”
Arthur looked thoughtful for a moment, then he shook his head. “Would you mind staying here for the night? I’ll keep you warm.”
Merlin looked at the barren room, at his old thin mattress… but whatever. “We can stay here, if you want. But I do count on you to keep me warm; I get cold very easily.”
“I promise.” Arthur rolled back on top of Merlin, grinning. “Warm enough?”
“Perfect, as before.” Wrapping his arms around Arthur’s neck, the Royal Warlock kissed the King again. “Gods, I could kiss you for the rest of my life.”
“You will,” Arthur answered, smiling happily.
“You look so different now. A few hours before, you looked like the whole world was resting on your shoulders. Now you look… free.”
“Well, I just made love with the one person I always loved. And I enjoyed it more than I can tell you.”
“Arthur? You do know we’re both the worst pushovers ever, don’t you?”
“Do you care?”
“No.”
“Me neither. Maybe tomorrow.” Arthur smiled again. “Let’s go to sleep, love.”
“Mhm.” Merlin raised his hand to catch the two capes that were flying in their direction, and then tried to get a bit closer to Arthur, and drifted off to sleep.
***
A few hours later -it was still dark behind the window- the warlock woke up for a moment, because he was cold. Feeling around a bit, he drowsily noticed that Arthur had somehow managed, even on this tiny mattress, to hog the covers. He shoved the other man, who seemed to be kind of wrapped into sheets, around a bit until he got Arthur half on top of him and himself a bit under the blanket. For a minute, the warlock wondered -Blanket?- but then Arthur snuggled close and it was warm again and hell, he was tired. He kissed the other man’s cheek and fell asleep, still having the feeling something weird was going on.
***
There was loud knocking. “Merlin? Merlin!”
A door opened. “Merlin! You really don’t want to be late on… OH DEAR!”
Sitting up, heart pounding, Merlin stared unbelievingly at the old man on the threshold. “Gaius?” Beside him, Arthur was mumbling something, still not really awake.
The old physician stared straight back at the warlock and then started to retreat quickly.
“Gaius? Gaius, wait!”
“No, no,” came the answer behind the already closed door. “I don’t want to know. I really don’t want to know! I’m going to the market!”
Bang! That had been the sound of the door to the laboratory being shut.
Merlin sat on his bed, blinking rapidly. What…? Then his gaze fell on his hands and he simply stared. No way could this be happening. It had to be a dream. Almost scared, he looked at Arthur who somehow was still asleep, and stared again. No beard. No scars. Short hair. He didn’t look a day older than when they had met the first time. All right. This really didn’t feel like a dream.
“Arthur?” Gods! What if… what if he doesn’t remember last night? Where are we? Or better, when are we? “Arthur!”
The King -Prince?- turned his face into the pillow. “Gods, Merlin. Lemme sleep a bit more, all right? I’m not used to what we’ve been doinnnnn mmmmpf.”
“Arthur, wake up, RIGHT NOW!”
Groaning, the blond man sat up, eyes still closed. “What?” He asked and then rubbed his face with both hands. Pause. “I thought you didn’t want to shave me with magic? What…?” Arthur broke off the moment his eyes opened. After a second, they were wide open. “What the hell… what did you do?”
Merlin shook his head. “Nothing I can remember. Arthur… uh… Gaius just came in to wake me.”
“WHAT?”
“I know.” Standing up, Merlin opened a drawer to get a mirror. After one look into it, he groaned even louder than Arthur had a minute ago. Gods. After years of being glad that he finally had grown into his face, he was now back again to the bony face and the big ears. Not that this was the really important thing right now. “Merlin?” Right.
Arthur was looking scared and Merlin didn’t blame him a bit.
“I swear. Arthur, I swear I didn’t do anything… No spell, no noth…” His voice trailed off when he remembered the way he had been feeling last night. ’It doesn’t matter. The years don’t matter, Arthur. We have eternity.’ Maybe he had somehow managed…
“Merlin, talk to me!”
“Yesterday, I told my mother even I can’t turn back time. But maybe…”
“You talked to your mother yesterday?”
Now Arthur looked freaked out.
“Uh… sometimes I can… You know what? That doesn’t matter right now!” Merlin yelled, then cringed. “Sorry. But… I’ll tell you later, okay? We have to find out now what’s going on… where we are. If this is really Camelot or if something has changed since… Gods. Arthur… I think Gaius just woke me to tell me I don’t want to be late on my first day at service. As your new manservant.” Merlin looked for a minute at the shell-shocked man on the bed. “Wow. I don’t think he was impressed to find out I’m already at work.”
“But that didn’t happen then!”
“Exactly. And that is why we have to be really careful. Arthur, this could be…” The warlock stopped when Arthur suddenly jumped up and hugged him. “What?”
“Merlin, if this is true… then you did indeed give us eternity.”
Although he couldn’t believe it himself, Merlin swerved when Arthur leaned forward to kiss him. “No! Arthur… this is dangerous! Think for a minute… with your head. If this is real, you’re not the King. Think! Uther. Morgana.” Mordred! “The Dragon. Gwen…”
“Merlin! I’m not stupid. But you should do some thinking yourself! Your mother. Your father. Gaius. And hey… Lancelot and Gwen!”
Merlin swallowed hard. He had the feeling he couldn’t move, in any direction. So much for the Sight. So much for all the shit that had happened. But… “The future…”
“Stop! If this proves to be the real thing, the future is unwritten yet.”
“But we have our memories.”
“Yes. And if you ask me, we deserve a second chance! We do!”
Breathing in shakily, Merlin was very glad about the protective arms still wrapped around him. He was scared; meddling with the future was deadly. But Arthur was right, too; the future was -could be- yet unwritten. Gods. His head was buzzing like a beehive.
“Arthur, we have to go out and look for clues if this is, in fact, true.”
“We should put some clothes on, before,” the prince smirked.
“Yeah. And you have to stop being so giddy! Please try to remember how you treated me then, all right?”
“What? You want to go back to scrubbing floors and…”
“No! I can do that now with magic any…” Merlin broke off again and sat down hard. He hadn’t thought about it yet, but… he had been, and still was, now far more powerful than his younger self. And this in turn meant…
Arthur sat down on his heels in front of him; Merlin tried to keep his eyes on the prince’s face. It was hard to ignore a glorious naked Arthur.
“What is it, Merlin?”
“Uh… I think I’m having some kind of nervous break-down.”
“What?”
“I just thought about magic… and me… and your father. Arthur, I doubt I can just stand aside and let Uther kill people. Huh. I doubt I can face your father at all!”
“Hey…” Arthur touched Merlin’s cheek gently, “… we’ll manage. Somehow. Don’t forget, we’re both here… we can talk things through. And hell, if everything else fails, you can get us away from here!”
Merlin stared at Arthur, then he sighed. “Can you do me a favor?”
“Anything.”
“Could you kiss me right through that mattress? Could you make love to me, right now? I think I really need this to keep it together.”
“I’d be delighted.”
“Thank you.”
***
Tired again, but still far too nervous, Merlin followed Arthur down the steps and out on the courtyard. He wasn’t only scared of his own reactions, he was even more scared of Arthur’s behavior. The prince was in a far too good mood. Arthur had never been so… good-humored in those days; and the way others looked at the smiling man proved that running around with such a big grin was not a good idea. “Arthur,” Merlin whispered. “Turn it down a bit. You look too happy.”
Arthur cocked his head and grinned even more. And Gods… Merlin just had to smile back, at least a bit. The prince, he… looked so happy and free and… well, as if he just got laid, and all of a sudden, Merlin had to avert his gaze because he felt tears springing to his eyes. This was what he had dreamt of so many nights; he had thought those dreams as a punishment for all the mistakes he had made in his life. And now… maybe these dreams had been visions in reality, and the dreams he believed caused by the Sight had been nightmares?
Still blinking to shoo the tears away, Merlin took a few steps forward without looking and bumped into another person. Looking up, the warlock jumped back, right into Arthur’s arms. UTHER! Shit.
“Now, now,” he heard the king say. “Don’t look so scared, young man. But watch out where you’re going next time. Arthur… are you all right, Son?”
Scared, my ass. You should be thankful you’re still alive! Outwardly, Merlin lowered his head meekly, mumbling, “I’m sorry, my Lord.” Then he noticed Arthur still hadn’t said a word. After a quick side-glance at the prince, who stood there staring at his father, the warlock looked again down at his boots and let his magic pinch Arthur in the arse.
That startled Arthur right out of his stunned state. “Ah, Father… I’m sorry, what did you say? My thoughts are already on… uh.”
“The tournament, I know.” Uther smiled, which made Merlin grind his teeth some more. “I won’t prevent you from training. I want to see you win, Son!” Uther clapped Arthur on the shoulder and went by, vanishing inside the castle.
After a few moments, Merlin heard the other man say, “Shit.”
“Yeah.”
Then both of them looked at each other. “Tournament?”
***
“Wow,” Merlin remarked. “Valiant will be so disappointed when the snakes won’t move.” Arthur and he were still staring at the huge wooden wall with all the shield images on it. “At least now we know what day it is.”
“We’re right at the beginning.”
“Yes. And stop that, you’re giddy again.”
“Merlin… you do know that when his shield isn’t working, you will save one of my knights the day after tomorrow?” Arthur said quietly.
Sighing, Merlin pointed to the empty wooden benches around the field. “Let’s talk over there.”
After they had taken their seats and Merlin had made sure no one was close enough to overhear them, he answered. “See, that’s what I meant before. I don’t know what to do or what I shouldn’t do. Shall I let him die?”
“No!”
“But he did die the last time. How can I…”
“Merlin. You know as well as I do that it is impossible to change nothing. Do you know why I know this? Because even if my life would depend on it, I won’t touch Gwen again.”
“Hell, if you touch Gwen again, you can forget about your life.” Ignoring Arthur’s bark of laughter, Merlin looked morosely down at the field. There were far too many things to consider… Mordred and Morgana for example. Morgana… well, he had time there. About a year, to decide what to do with her. Mordred on the other hand… Merlin wondered if the boy would even show up here. Mordred was cunning, as a boy and later as a man. He would probably sense how powerful Merlin now was and wouldn’t come to the castle. But if he did… Merlin wouldn’t make this mistake twice.
“Hey. One day at a time, all right?”
“Hm?”
“You look like the whole world is resting on your shoulders.”
Merlin huffed. “What, now you start repeating me?”
“If it’s worth repeating.” Arthur smiled at him again, this goddamn happy smile, and finally, Merlin gave in.
“All right, Sire.” Ignoring the groan and the smile, Merlin leaned back at the wood behind him and relaxed for the first time. “What do you want to do right now? And please, nothing that involves meeting Gwen, Morgana or Gaius. Your father was more than enough for me to handle.”
“You know what the first thing will be that we’ll change?”
“Do tell.”
“You will move up to my chambers. You will live in the servant’s room right beside mine.”
“After this morning, I can’t wait to see Gaius’ reaction to that.” Merlin sighed. “You really think we can pull that off?”
“Pull what off? You got out of it the last time! Usually my manservant sleeps in the adjourning room. I let you sleep downstairs!”
The warlock shook his head. “You know very well that wasn’t what I meant, Arthur.”
“Merlin, behind locked doors, we can do whatever we want. And if someone finds out… those things aren’t unheard of, you know?”
“Really?”
“Yep.”
“So now you want to what? Move my things?”
“No.” Arthur stood up and jumped over a few benches down to the ground. Again, there were butterflies in Merlin’s stomach when he saw how young Arthur looked. This was worth everything.
Merlin looked around once more to see if they were still alone, then hissed, “What have you in mind right now?”
“I need to train for the tournament.” A huge toothy grin appeared on Arthur’s face. “How’s your mace work coming along?”
“You’ve got to be kidding me!”
“No. Don’t forget the helmet!” Laughing, Arthur broke out into a run toward the armory while Merlin followed him at a slower pace. When he was in the middle of the field, the warlock paused for a moment and looked around. The sun was blazing above him, everything was bright, he could hear laughter from the market. Before he moved on, he threw one glance at the huge red-golden Pendragon banner. A sudden breeze sprung up, making the dragon rear up for a second and then rest again.
Merlin smiled; then he turned about and followed his lover. Arthur had been right, they were really deserving a second chance.
The End.
~ Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity. ~
Senecca