(no subject)
//Locked//
This isn't my job. I don't work for the firm. Even if I did it's be late, and it's not very practical because no one will ever see it. But I haven't gotten near a computer in a while, and well maybe some inner dialogue is what I need.
The pressing question; what does Anyanka fear?
Supposedly, I tend to have a problem with not fearing the things I should. Apparently I have no trouble with 'irrational fears', like bunnies. Which is a perfectly rational fear by the way... But okay, end of the world, I felt strong... I felt like I could take out an army. Which was pretty dumb, granted, cause I got myself killed protecting Andrew.
I take a lot of things pretty hard, that should be obvious. For example I have the incredible desire to castrate men when then they let their insensitivity get in the way of someone's happiness. But I don't fear that.
Maybe part of me fears nothing. Death is nothing. And I used to fear that. In the same vein of nothing, I know I find myself asking who I am. Once I even considered that I was really nothing. But then Xander informed me I was a dope.
Ooh... Major therapeutic breakthrough.*smile* I fear dopiness. Or to stay on the more 'logical' side of the scale I kind of fear not living up to the expectations that have been set. Like now, I think Xander knows, about what I am. And it's nothing to be ashamed of. But somehow I know that if we were being honest he'd think it was, and that would make me feel bad. Because I love Xander. Despite his obsession with the overly hair gelled vampire. And letting him down...It's highly irrational, I know. But picture if you will that broken puppy dog look on his face. See? It all makes perfect sense.
So I fear letting down Xander. Maybe that's because in the end all we our is the reflection of ourselves in the eyes of those we care about. (Wow, lots of time in the hospital lobby makes for way too much reading and depressing thought.)
P.S. Since for me this is just an journal entry Xander kissed me the other day. Although he may be sleeping with Angel, so I'm not really sure it means anything. Still, I should check into doing more of that. Not the awkward meeting in the hospital. The other thing...
Now back to work...
//Unlocked//
//Locked to Xander//
Dear Xander. This is me dropping lines...No rush though. I may be busy for a while. I'd say work, but it's not just work. I knew this wasn't the line of work for me...I tried to tell... But no, so now I'm here all emotionally attached.
The first rule in this business is don't get involved. But I think that's kind of hard. I mean when you're surrounded by humanity it sort of grows on you. Like a fungus. With spores and everything. And you can't separate yourself from spores. They get all mingly, and you get mingly...and suddenly everything's hitting a little too close to home.
Anyway I'm still trying to figure out if I can do any good in this job. I really want to. I don't like seeing people hurt. Unless of course they're obnoxious or deserve it in which case I don't really care what happens to them.
But honestly, and I have some sort of personal experience here, sometimes people think you deserve it,the getting hurt I mean, and you don't. People can't help the life they were thrown into. Only what they do with it. I know, it sounds like a crock. But it's true. And I think when it comes down to it, even someone who's spent a lifetime causing pain and suffering deserves to be happy. Because really, they're just a person. Nothing more, nothing less. The same as everyone else. In the end there aren't heroes, or villains. Just the knowledge that you meant something.
So that's how goes the...counseling. Hope that thing at work went well. Oh, and Lilah really liked her flowers. She probably would've liked them more if they came from someone else. But I think I saw her smile. That was a really stand up thing to do.
//Unlocked//
//Locked to Spike//
Hey Buddy, you okay? For the record, if you and Buffy get into a cat fight I'm on your side. Selfishness is fine, when it doesn't hurt anyone. But people should consider the feelings of others.You don't just use someone for sex and discard them. Sure it's be nice. But it doesn't work that way. First they tell you they love you, and then you get all attached. Next thing you know you're sacrificing yourself...
Plus Angel? Girls name... Sorry. Getting sidetracked.
//Unlocked//
This isn't my job. I don't work for the firm. Even if I did it's be late, and it's not very practical because no one will ever see it. But I haven't gotten near a computer in a while, and well maybe some inner dialogue is what I need.
The pressing question; what does Anyanka fear?
Supposedly, I tend to have a problem with not fearing the things I should. Apparently I have no trouble with 'irrational fears', like bunnies. Which is a perfectly rational fear by the way... But okay, end of the world, I felt strong... I felt like I could take out an army. Which was pretty dumb, granted, cause I got myself killed protecting Andrew.
I take a lot of things pretty hard, that should be obvious. For example I have the incredible desire to castrate men when then they let their insensitivity get in the way of someone's happiness. But I don't fear that.
Maybe part of me fears nothing. Death is nothing. And I used to fear that. In the same vein of nothing, I know I find myself asking who I am. Once I even considered that I was really nothing. But then Xander informed me I was a dope.
Ooh... Major therapeutic breakthrough.*smile* I fear dopiness. Or to stay on the more 'logical' side of the scale I kind of fear not living up to the expectations that have been set. Like now, I think Xander knows, about what I am. And it's nothing to be ashamed of. But somehow I know that if we were being honest he'd think it was, and that would make me feel bad. Because I love Xander. Despite his obsession with the overly hair gelled vampire. And letting him down...It's highly irrational, I know. But picture if you will that broken puppy dog look on his face. See? It all makes perfect sense.
So I fear letting down Xander. Maybe that's because in the end all we our is the reflection of ourselves in the eyes of those we care about. (Wow, lots of time in the hospital lobby makes for way too much reading and depressing thought.)
P.S. Since for me this is just an journal entry Xander kissed me the other day. Although he may be sleeping with Angel, so I'm not really sure it means anything. Still, I should check into doing more of that. Not the awkward meeting in the hospital. The other thing...
Now back to work...
//Unlocked//
//Locked to Xander//
Dear Xander. This is me dropping lines...No rush though. I may be busy for a while. I'd say work, but it's not just work. I knew this wasn't the line of work for me...I tried to tell... But no, so now I'm here all emotionally attached.
The first rule in this business is don't get involved. But I think that's kind of hard. I mean when you're surrounded by humanity it sort of grows on you. Like a fungus. With spores and everything. And you can't separate yourself from spores. They get all mingly, and you get mingly...and suddenly everything's hitting a little too close to home.
Anyway I'm still trying to figure out if I can do any good in this job. I really want to. I don't like seeing people hurt. Unless of course they're obnoxious or deserve it in which case I don't really care what happens to them.
But honestly, and I have some sort of personal experience here, sometimes people think you deserve it,the getting hurt I mean, and you don't. People can't help the life they were thrown into. Only what they do with it. I know, it sounds like a crock. But it's true. And I think when it comes down to it, even someone who's spent a lifetime causing pain and suffering deserves to be happy. Because really, they're just a person. Nothing more, nothing less. The same as everyone else. In the end there aren't heroes, or villains. Just the knowledge that you meant something.
So that's how goes the...counseling. Hope that thing at work went well. Oh, and Lilah really liked her flowers. She probably would've liked them more if they came from someone else. But I think I saw her smile. That was a really stand up thing to do.
//Unlocked//
//Locked to Spike//
Hey Buddy, you okay? For the record, if you and Buffy get into a cat fight I'm on your side. Selfishness is fine, when it doesn't hurt anyone. But people should consider the feelings of others.You don't just use someone for sex and discard them. Sure it's be nice. But it doesn't work that way. First they tell you they love you, and then you get all attached. Next thing you know you're sacrificing yourself...
Plus Angel? Girls name... Sorry. Getting sidetracked.
//Unlocked//