A Beautiful Mess (1/1)
Title: A Beautiful Mess
Rating: PG
Pairings: Kurt/Blaine
Word Count: 2500+
Summary: Suddenly, Kurt is finding faults in Blaine that, in general, were very minor - but to Kurt, they were everything, and he wasn't sure why he was so angry at Blaine all the time, just that he was.
Although you are biased, I love your advice
Your comebacks, they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy
Depending on how you take these words
I'm paraphrasing this relationship we are staging
/
It starts on a Tuesday.
Well, not exactly - that's not entirely fair to say. But Kurt likes to believe that it's true, because that's when he first realizes it.
He's lying on the floor with Blaine, textbooks sprawled in front of them in attempt to study for a Physics test, when he just looks over and stops.
Blaine is biting on the cap of his pen, his brow furrowed as he concentrates on the paper in front of him. Ordinarily, he would find such a sight to be endearing (especially given recent events - because hello, Blaine is his boyfriend and they've only been going out for 3 weeks, so from Kurt's understanding of romance novels, romcoms, and observations of his friends in New Directions, they should still be in the honeymoon phase of their relationship), but for some reason, he can't help but roll his eyes and scoff slightly.
Blaine immediately looks up at Kurt, smiling wide at him, and Kurt's heart flutters a bit when he realizes that all he has to do is make a noise and he has Blaine's undivided attention. "What's wrong?" Blaine asks, nudging him slightly with his foot. "Physics annoying you?"
Kurt rolls his eyes again. "Not physics. Your unhealthy appetite for writing utensils, more like."
Blaine blinks, confused. "What?"
"Your pen? Can you stop chewing on it?"
Blaine blinks again before looking down at the pen he had in his hand. "My - pen? That's what's got you annoyed?"
"Blaine, as embarrassing as this is to admit, I am quite fond of your teeth. They're incredibly straight, and while I am still skeptical about your claims that you've never had braces, I'd like to see to it that you never have to get them. Also, if that pen explodes all over your mouth due to your frustration with the law of inertia and you die of ink poisoning, I do not want to be held responsible and forced to express my guilt at your funeral."
"Darling, I'm flattered that you feel so strongly about what I happen to put in my mouth, but your fears are ridiculously outlandish. I promise, though, if I do die of ink poisoning, I'll make sure to come back as a ghost to inform my parents that you are not, under any circumstances, to speak at my funeral."
And really, Kurt should have left it at that - because Blaine wasn't annoyed, and he was actually teasing Kurt a bit, and it was making Kurt's stomach do flip-flops - but apparently his mouth has a mind of his own, as the next thing he knows he's snapping, "Blaine, I'm being serious. Stop putting that pen in your mouth."
Blaine raises his eyebrows, clearly taken aback by Kurt's words. "Okay, am I missing something, here? Am I being punk'd or something?"
"You find this funny, Blaine?" Kurt hears himself shriek, even as his brain's desperately trying to shut his mouth up.
"A little bit, yeah," Blaine says, the bewildered expression on his face turning to one of worry. "What's wrong, Kurt? Is something bothering you?"
"What's bothering me is the fact that you clearly find amusement in me trying to care about you!"
"Whoa, okay, back up. I never said-"
"Would it be better if I just didn't care about you, Blaine? Would that be easier on you?"
"Kurt!" Blaine says, shocked. "Look, if it bothers you so much, I'll make a conscious effort to stop biting on my pen. Okay? Does that sound better to you?"
Kurt's mind is saying yes, yes, it's completely fine, I'm sorry I overreacted, I just care about you so much but his mouth is clearly rebelling, as he says, "No, Blaine, it doesn't. Because you should've said that in the first place. Instead you made fun of me, you teased me, and that is not okay. I think you need to leave." And before he knows it, he's standing in the doorway of his dorm, holding the door open as he waits for Blaine to leave.
Blaine gathers his things and stands up, still bewildered at the turn of events, and slowly walks up to Kurt, leaning in for a kiss. Kurt turns away, not looking at him.
There's a beat of silence, and then: "Goodnight, Kurt."
He doesn't slam the door on the way out, but the resonating silence he leaves behind has Kurt flustered anyway.
What the hell just happened?
/
Things go back to normal the morning after, when Kurt shows up at Blaine's dorm with a cup of coffee and an apologetic smile, but Kurt can't seem to let it go.
Especially when, a week later, he snaps at Blaine again, this time for chewing with his mouth open.
And a few days after that, when he yells at Blaine for accidentally putting three sugars into his coffee instead of two.
Suddenly, Kurt is finding faults in Blaine that, in general, were very minor - but to Kurt, they were everything, and he wasn't sure why he was so angry at Blaine all the time, just that he was.
Blaine, for his part, wasn't antagonistic in the slightest: at first, Kurt's bizarre arguments were met with amusement, as Blaine - easygoing as he was - believed Kurt was teasing him. When it became apparent that he was not, in fact, joking, his arguments were met with serious considerations: "What would you like me to do to fix it?" Blaine would calmly ask, followed by, "I apologize for being inconsiderate; please forgive me?"
It was meant to pacify Kurt, but if anything, it only served to fuel his anger. What right did Blaine have to be calm and collected when Kurt was so close to blowing a fuse?
With every argument, the tension between the two grew. And Kurt couldn't understand why. Why was he being so rude and mean? Blaine didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve to be treated like a criminal for forgetting to give Kurt his French notebook back; he didn't deserve to be given the cold shoulder for failing to send Kurt a 'good morning' text message.
But every time something like that happens, it's as if Kurt's mouth is running on its own, not cooperating with any other part of Kurt's body, and he doesn't know how to stop it.
/
"I'm so sick and tired of this, Kurt. Do you want me? Or do you want someone else? Because I can't - this isn't working out for either of us."
The air clears after the words are said, and silence falls between them.
The night was perfect. Perfect. Blaine had taken Kurt to a small - but elegant - Italian restaurant, followed by a romantic stroll through the streets of Westerville. They had laughed and talked and teased and the atmosphere around them was so warm and happy -
And Kurt's out of control mouth had to ruin it with his statement of, "maybe next time you'll let me pay for my dinner, instead of assuming I'm too poor to afford a fancy plate of chicken cacciatore?"
And now they're standing outside of Kurt's dorm room, staring at each other, wondering what to do next.
Finally, Kurt looks down at his shoes. He whispers, "Why can't we just break up already?" Because Kurt understands what's been going on now. He's been pushing Blaine and pushing him, trying to find his breaking point, to get them to where they are now. And Kurt gets it, he suddenly understands why he's been getting so angry over the littlest things - it's because finding faults in Blaine will make it easier for him, in this moment.
It's because finding faults in Blaine will make it easier when Blaine leaves.
Kurt doesn't see Blaine's reaction, but he hears a sharp intake of breath before a slow, shaky exhale. "Is that what you want?" he hears, and Blaine's voice is level, as if he is attempting to detach himself from the situation.
"No," Kurt whispers quietly still, and he means to sound forceful but he just ends up sounding pleading. Please don't let it end this way. If it has to end, then let it end, but not like this. "I don't want it. But if you do, I'm not going to stop you."
There's another silence, and finally, he hears Blaine sigh. "Kurt, look at me." Kurt knows it's immature, but he shakes his head, because he knows that if he looks up, the tears that have been pooling at the bottom of his eyes will come pouring down, and he doesn't want to look weaker than he already knows he does.
Fortunately, Blaine lets it go. "What makes you think I want to break up with you?"
"We argue all the time," Kurt says, sniffling slightly. "I - I annoy you. I say things I don't mean and then take them back and say other things that I don't mean. You're getting sick of me, I can tell. I… it's too much to handle. We're too much to handle. I'm not worth the effort."
"Kurt." Blaine sounds so shocked that Kurt can't help but look up at his face - it's twisted into an expression of hurt and disbelief. "You don't annoy me. How could you possibly think that you annoy me?"
When Kurt doesn't answer, Blaine closes the distance and pulls him into his arms. "Kurt…" he squeezes tighter. "Kurt, I don't care what you say. I'm not going anywhere. That's what this is about, isn't it? You think I'm going to just leave you? After everything we've been through? You're out of your mind."
Kurt gasps softly at that and attempts to pull away. Blaine's arms tighten even more and he chuckles softly. "I didn't mean it like that, silly. I mean… look, I meant what I said before. Remember? When I gave you my number, that first time we met? I told you that I would be there for you so you won't feel alone. And I promise, I mean it. You're not getting rid of me that easily. I don't care how often we fight - I'd rather we fight a lot. I don't want us to be a perfect relationship. I don't care how often we fight, as long as I still have you. I don't ever want to lose you."
Kurt stays silent, because honestly, it's too good to be true. Throughout his life, he's been led to believe that something was wrong with him - that it was wrong for him to be so proud of who he is, that his dry sarcasm and quick wit was a handicap rather than an advantage. That someone like Blaine - who was good and righteous and brave and intelligent and perfect, in every sense of the word - was telling him it was okay, that he essentially liked Kurt for the things he believed were flaws, was unimaginable.
Blaine senses this. "You don't believe me…" he says softly, closing his eyes. "I don't know how else to prove to you… I love you."
Kurt stopped breathing at that, but Blaine continued on, so he had to force himself to listen. "I love you, Kurt, and I know we haven't said it to each other yet, but it's the truth and I'm tired of having to hide it. And when someone loves someone else, they're there for them, no matter what. I love you. Let me be there for you. You're stubborn and catty and you have the tendency to act superior than everyone else, and sometimes I just want to grab you and yell at you and cut you down but that doesn't stop me from loving you. But you need to stop trying to push me away, because I'm not going anywhere. Not unless you want me to. And even then, I'm not giving up without a fight."
Kurt doesn't know what to say, because what can he say? Blaine is looking at him with a fierce look in his eye, and it's mixed with so much love and desperation and Kurt starts to cry because what can he say? Never in his life had he ever believed he would be on the receiving end of such a heartfelt speech - these things don't happen to Kurt, they happen to people like Quinn or Mercedes or even Finn for that matter - anyone that's not Kurt, because Kurt is so insecure in his own skin and desperate to cover it up that he's a bigger mess than anyone else he knows.
But Blaine is still looking at him like that, like Kurt is the only thing in the world that matters, still standing there in front of him, and he's not going anywhere. He's not going anywhere because he loves Kurt, and -
Kurt gasps and throws himself at Blaine, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him as close as he can, the tears spilling over his eyes. "I'm sorry," he whispers. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry, I'm sorry-"
"No, don't-"
"No, I have to. It's just that - you're so - you're everything, Blaine, you're everything, and I'm so scared that one day you'll realize how perfect you are and leave me for someone better-"
"I can't leave you, Kurt, I can't - everything you feel for me is everything I feel for you-"
Kurt kisses him then, just smashes his lips against Blaine's, and it's messy and it hurts a little bit when they accidentally smack teeth, and Blaine's hands that are frantically wiping at Kurt's tears keep getting in the way, and Blaine still tastes like the spaghetti he had just eaten, but Kurt doesn't care, because this is raw desperation and it's unlike anything he's ever felt before and God - this right here is worth all of the fighting, all of the insults and name calling over the past few weeks, is worth all of the insecurities and restless nights because this was love, dammit, Kurt was experiencing love and it was absolutely beautiful.
Kurt is a mess and for the first time, he doesn't bother trying to cover it up, because Blaine loves it, loves him.
And when Kurt pulls away a few seconds later to breathily whisper it back, the smile on Blaine's face is enough to make Kurt believe that maybe he's found someone worth fighting for instead of against.
/
And with timeless words and priceless pictures
We will fly like birds not of this earth
And times, they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and we stained out shirts
But it's so nice today:
Oh, the wait was so worth it
Rating: PG
Pairings: Kurt/Blaine
Word Count: 2500+
Summary: Suddenly, Kurt is finding faults in Blaine that, in general, were very minor - but to Kurt, they were everything, and he wasn't sure why he was so angry at Blaine all the time, just that he was.
Although you are biased, I love your advice
Your comebacks, they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy
Depending on how you take these words
I'm paraphrasing this relationship we are staging
/
It starts on a Tuesday.
Well, not exactly - that's not entirely fair to say. But Kurt likes to believe that it's true, because that's when he first realizes it.
He's lying on the floor with Blaine, textbooks sprawled in front of them in attempt to study for a Physics test, when he just looks over and stops.
Blaine is biting on the cap of his pen, his brow furrowed as he concentrates on the paper in front of him. Ordinarily, he would find such a sight to be endearing (especially given recent events - because hello, Blaine is his boyfriend and they've only been going out for 3 weeks, so from Kurt's understanding of romance novels, romcoms, and observations of his friends in New Directions, they should still be in the honeymoon phase of their relationship), but for some reason, he can't help but roll his eyes and scoff slightly.
Blaine immediately looks up at Kurt, smiling wide at him, and Kurt's heart flutters a bit when he realizes that all he has to do is make a noise and he has Blaine's undivided attention. "What's wrong?" Blaine asks, nudging him slightly with his foot. "Physics annoying you?"
Kurt rolls his eyes again. "Not physics. Your unhealthy appetite for writing utensils, more like."
Blaine blinks, confused. "What?"
"Your pen? Can you stop chewing on it?"
Blaine blinks again before looking down at the pen he had in his hand. "My - pen? That's what's got you annoyed?"
"Blaine, as embarrassing as this is to admit, I am quite fond of your teeth. They're incredibly straight, and while I am still skeptical about your claims that you've never had braces, I'd like to see to it that you never have to get them. Also, if that pen explodes all over your mouth due to your frustration with the law of inertia and you die of ink poisoning, I do not want to be held responsible and forced to express my guilt at your funeral."
"Darling, I'm flattered that you feel so strongly about what I happen to put in my mouth, but your fears are ridiculously outlandish. I promise, though, if I do die of ink poisoning, I'll make sure to come back as a ghost to inform my parents that you are not, under any circumstances, to speak at my funeral."
And really, Kurt should have left it at that - because Blaine wasn't annoyed, and he was actually teasing Kurt a bit, and it was making Kurt's stomach do flip-flops - but apparently his mouth has a mind of his own, as the next thing he knows he's snapping, "Blaine, I'm being serious. Stop putting that pen in your mouth."
Blaine raises his eyebrows, clearly taken aback by Kurt's words. "Okay, am I missing something, here? Am I being punk'd or something?"
"You find this funny, Blaine?" Kurt hears himself shriek, even as his brain's desperately trying to shut his mouth up.
"A little bit, yeah," Blaine says, the bewildered expression on his face turning to one of worry. "What's wrong, Kurt? Is something bothering you?"
"What's bothering me is the fact that you clearly find amusement in me trying to care about you!"
"Whoa, okay, back up. I never said-"
"Would it be better if I just didn't care about you, Blaine? Would that be easier on you?"
"Kurt!" Blaine says, shocked. "Look, if it bothers you so much, I'll make a conscious effort to stop biting on my pen. Okay? Does that sound better to you?"
Kurt's mind is saying yes, yes, it's completely fine, I'm sorry I overreacted, I just care about you so much but his mouth is clearly rebelling, as he says, "No, Blaine, it doesn't. Because you should've said that in the first place. Instead you made fun of me, you teased me, and that is not okay. I think you need to leave." And before he knows it, he's standing in the doorway of his dorm, holding the door open as he waits for Blaine to leave.
Blaine gathers his things and stands up, still bewildered at the turn of events, and slowly walks up to Kurt, leaning in for a kiss. Kurt turns away, not looking at him.
There's a beat of silence, and then: "Goodnight, Kurt."
He doesn't slam the door on the way out, but the resonating silence he leaves behind has Kurt flustered anyway.
What the hell just happened?
/
Things go back to normal the morning after, when Kurt shows up at Blaine's dorm with a cup of coffee and an apologetic smile, but Kurt can't seem to let it go.
Especially when, a week later, he snaps at Blaine again, this time for chewing with his mouth open.
And a few days after that, when he yells at Blaine for accidentally putting three sugars into his coffee instead of two.
Suddenly, Kurt is finding faults in Blaine that, in general, were very minor - but to Kurt, they were everything, and he wasn't sure why he was so angry at Blaine all the time, just that he was.
Blaine, for his part, wasn't antagonistic in the slightest: at first, Kurt's bizarre arguments were met with amusement, as Blaine - easygoing as he was - believed Kurt was teasing him. When it became apparent that he was not, in fact, joking, his arguments were met with serious considerations: "What would you like me to do to fix it?" Blaine would calmly ask, followed by, "I apologize for being inconsiderate; please forgive me?"
It was meant to pacify Kurt, but if anything, it only served to fuel his anger. What right did Blaine have to be calm and collected when Kurt was so close to blowing a fuse?
With every argument, the tension between the two grew. And Kurt couldn't understand why. Why was he being so rude and mean? Blaine didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve to be treated like a criminal for forgetting to give Kurt his French notebook back; he didn't deserve to be given the cold shoulder for failing to send Kurt a 'good morning' text message.
But every time something like that happens, it's as if Kurt's mouth is running on its own, not cooperating with any other part of Kurt's body, and he doesn't know how to stop it.
/
"I'm so sick and tired of this, Kurt. Do you want me? Or do you want someone else? Because I can't - this isn't working out for either of us."
The air clears after the words are said, and silence falls between them.
The night was perfect. Perfect. Blaine had taken Kurt to a small - but elegant - Italian restaurant, followed by a romantic stroll through the streets of Westerville. They had laughed and talked and teased and the atmosphere around them was so warm and happy -
And Kurt's out of control mouth had to ruin it with his statement of, "maybe next time you'll let me pay for my dinner, instead of assuming I'm too poor to afford a fancy plate of chicken cacciatore?"
And now they're standing outside of Kurt's dorm room, staring at each other, wondering what to do next.
Finally, Kurt looks down at his shoes. He whispers, "Why can't we just break up already?" Because Kurt understands what's been going on now. He's been pushing Blaine and pushing him, trying to find his breaking point, to get them to where they are now. And Kurt gets it, he suddenly understands why he's been getting so angry over the littlest things - it's because finding faults in Blaine will make it easier for him, in this moment.
It's because finding faults in Blaine will make it easier when Blaine leaves.
Kurt doesn't see Blaine's reaction, but he hears a sharp intake of breath before a slow, shaky exhale. "Is that what you want?" he hears, and Blaine's voice is level, as if he is attempting to detach himself from the situation.
"No," Kurt whispers quietly still, and he means to sound forceful but he just ends up sounding pleading. Please don't let it end this way. If it has to end, then let it end, but not like this. "I don't want it. But if you do, I'm not going to stop you."
There's another silence, and finally, he hears Blaine sigh. "Kurt, look at me." Kurt knows it's immature, but he shakes his head, because he knows that if he looks up, the tears that have been pooling at the bottom of his eyes will come pouring down, and he doesn't want to look weaker than he already knows he does.
Fortunately, Blaine lets it go. "What makes you think I want to break up with you?"
"We argue all the time," Kurt says, sniffling slightly. "I - I annoy you. I say things I don't mean and then take them back and say other things that I don't mean. You're getting sick of me, I can tell. I… it's too much to handle. We're too much to handle. I'm not worth the effort."
"Kurt." Blaine sounds so shocked that Kurt can't help but look up at his face - it's twisted into an expression of hurt and disbelief. "You don't annoy me. How could you possibly think that you annoy me?"
When Kurt doesn't answer, Blaine closes the distance and pulls him into his arms. "Kurt…" he squeezes tighter. "Kurt, I don't care what you say. I'm not going anywhere. That's what this is about, isn't it? You think I'm going to just leave you? After everything we've been through? You're out of your mind."
Kurt gasps softly at that and attempts to pull away. Blaine's arms tighten even more and he chuckles softly. "I didn't mean it like that, silly. I mean… look, I meant what I said before. Remember? When I gave you my number, that first time we met? I told you that I would be there for you so you won't feel alone. And I promise, I mean it. You're not getting rid of me that easily. I don't care how often we fight - I'd rather we fight a lot. I don't want us to be a perfect relationship. I don't care how often we fight, as long as I still have you. I don't ever want to lose you."
Kurt stays silent, because honestly, it's too good to be true. Throughout his life, he's been led to believe that something was wrong with him - that it was wrong for him to be so proud of who he is, that his dry sarcasm and quick wit was a handicap rather than an advantage. That someone like Blaine - who was good and righteous and brave and intelligent and perfect, in every sense of the word - was telling him it was okay, that he essentially liked Kurt for the things he believed were flaws, was unimaginable.
Blaine senses this. "You don't believe me…" he says softly, closing his eyes. "I don't know how else to prove to you… I love you."
Kurt stopped breathing at that, but Blaine continued on, so he had to force himself to listen. "I love you, Kurt, and I know we haven't said it to each other yet, but it's the truth and I'm tired of having to hide it. And when someone loves someone else, they're there for them, no matter what. I love you. Let me be there for you. You're stubborn and catty and you have the tendency to act superior than everyone else, and sometimes I just want to grab you and yell at you and cut you down but that doesn't stop me from loving you. But you need to stop trying to push me away, because I'm not going anywhere. Not unless you want me to. And even then, I'm not giving up without a fight."
Kurt doesn't know what to say, because what can he say? Blaine is looking at him with a fierce look in his eye, and it's mixed with so much love and desperation and Kurt starts to cry because what can he say? Never in his life had he ever believed he would be on the receiving end of such a heartfelt speech - these things don't happen to Kurt, they happen to people like Quinn or Mercedes or even Finn for that matter - anyone that's not Kurt, because Kurt is so insecure in his own skin and desperate to cover it up that he's a bigger mess than anyone else he knows.
But Blaine is still looking at him like that, like Kurt is the only thing in the world that matters, still standing there in front of him, and he's not going anywhere. He's not going anywhere because he loves Kurt, and -
Kurt gasps and throws himself at Blaine, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him as close as he can, the tears spilling over his eyes. "I'm sorry," he whispers. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry, I'm sorry-"
"No, don't-"
"No, I have to. It's just that - you're so - you're everything, Blaine, you're everything, and I'm so scared that one day you'll realize how perfect you are and leave me for someone better-"
"I can't leave you, Kurt, I can't - everything you feel for me is everything I feel for you-"
Kurt kisses him then, just smashes his lips against Blaine's, and it's messy and it hurts a little bit when they accidentally smack teeth, and Blaine's hands that are frantically wiping at Kurt's tears keep getting in the way, and Blaine still tastes like the spaghetti he had just eaten, but Kurt doesn't care, because this is raw desperation and it's unlike anything he's ever felt before and God - this right here is worth all of the fighting, all of the insults and name calling over the past few weeks, is worth all of the insecurities and restless nights because this was love, dammit, Kurt was experiencing love and it was absolutely beautiful.
Kurt is a mess and for the first time, he doesn't bother trying to cover it up, because Blaine loves it, loves him.
And when Kurt pulls away a few seconds later to breathily whisper it back, the smile on Blaine's face is enough to make Kurt believe that maybe he's found someone worth fighting for instead of against.
/
And with timeless words and priceless pictures
We will fly like birds not of this earth
And times, they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and we stained out shirts
But it's so nice today:
Oh, the wait was so worth it