Thinking of Elissa
So tonight I use this journal as a way to let out whats inside me. Usually my really personal thoughts go in a journal that stays on my nightstand, but I have finished my pages and have no where near finished my thoughts. I realize that I haven't written anything about the passing of my friend Elissa. At least not here I haven't, and to tell you the truth only now am I really able to talk about it. Now when the shock is gone and the hole that's left is just raw. My feelings are confused and painful and unknown. See tonight was a night I had been dreading. Tonight was the first night I had gone to the theater where all of us crazy Town and Gowners spend much of our lives. It is our sanctuary, our water cooler, and in a way our home. I think tonight is the first night I said goodbye to Elissa. Tears are running down my face as I type this, mainly I think because my heart can no longer fool itself that she's not gone. I went backstage after rehearsal, and I stood there looking at the corner of the dressing room table that she always used and my heart broke. I can still see her there, the first person you would see walking into the dressing room, I could see her things, her ever present Red Bull, the small box she used for her jewelry, her makeup. I saw so many crazy moments backstage, her impression of a Hooters flight attendant, her singing to the LOTR Annie Lennox song as it played during intermission, her telling stories of her crazy neighbors, her laughing, just her. See she was this amazing actress, and amazing singer, and amazing person. Amy, Patty, Alyssa...they all tell of her well. Of what the world is going to miss. But see, as much as she was all those things...foremost she was my friend. She was that friend that you could call at midnight because something would happen, she remembered minute details of you life, she always championed for you when you were unsure of yourself, she never judged, and she always saw beauty in you that you could never see. She was the big sister I never had, and one of the few friends that I have never questioned or doubted our friendship. She was just Elissa. She was my friend and I miss her. I miss her so much. There is so much more running through my head...so many emotions, so many moments past. Nothing seems adequate or substantial enough to tell of her, to tell of the loss of her. If life's greatest measure is by the friends that one possesses, then there is no greater tribute to her that can be said than this...I deeply miss my friend.