(no subject)
I've been trying to do some thinking about what Shishido and Mukahi-san said. About how I should try and 'experiment'. I...I suppose they may have a point - I know most things in theory, but it's not like I've ever had any opportunity to put things into practice. Stupid, picky emotions. Except, I mean we're stuck on this mountain, so I'm pretty much limited to the people here, aren't I? The few that I really know to any extent.
So, there's Oishi-sama but he's a) my master and there are rules about that and b) even if he wasn't...I'm just not interested in him that way. And he doesn't seem the type to do casual relationships anyway. There's Eiji-san, but...we're friends. And I like it that way - yes, he's cute I suppose but - I just don't want to change things. I mean, I know friends can be lovers as well and it'll simply be an extension of the friendship but...I just...I like having Eiji-san as my friend - just my friend.
I wonder if that's what Shishido feels for me.
I'm getting off topic - Akazawa-san isn't interested in guys, Hiyoshi-sama is taken...I suppose, maybe, if he wasn't dating Hiyoshi-sama, I could try with Mukahi-san...? But I don't know, it'd be odd somehow - and they are dating so it's a moot point anyway. There are a few other people I talk to sometimes, but none who I'd feel comfortable asking about this...heck some of the people I just listed I wouldn't feel comfortable asking about this.
So...that leaves...
Tezuka-sama, who is both taken and not the type for casual sex. Plus, I prefer his respect to his interest. I don't want to lose...whatever friendship-like-thing we have.
Shishido, who is the reason I'm considering all of this in the first place and who has made it abundantly clear that he won't do this with me.
And...Yuushi-sama. Who is attractive, knows what he's doing, and is clearly not against the idea. And...may find me attractive? I don't know. I suppose I wouldn't mind, with him - he's been kind to me, if more than a little fond of putting me in rather uncomfortable situations. Not that he seems to realize that they make me uncomfortable until after the fact but I'm not sure if that's deliberate or not. And he likes classical music.
Except then Shishido would kill me. Which is rather counter-productive.
Now what? I'm out of options and Mukahi-san's assurances and enthusiasm aside, I don't really want to just go off with some random stranger. I meant what I told Shishido, I'm not innocent enough to believe that sex requires some pledge of undying love, but I want something beyond just lust. Some kind of history or friendship - just something. I wish I could have that with Shishido - but I've been unkind enough already, with this whole crush business. I don't want to lose him completely - honestly, I'm a little surprised he hasn't run yet. I just wish I understood, I mean, he says he wants me and he flirts with me but won't...do anything with it and I know he doesn't want to hurt me and I know it's fast but - he tells me to go out and 'live a little' but doesn't want me to go and sleep with other people and are things always this confusing? Aren't things supposed to be easier when your crush wants you back?
He says I don't know him - and perhaps I don't. Well, don't really. I know he's flirtatious. I know he likes to gossip. I know he's very loyal to is friends and immensely loyal to his Yuushi-sama. I know he can mix drinks - or says he can. I know he likes to bake. I know he has a pair of handcuffs and isn't afraid to use them. I know he's aiming for his A rank. I know his brother is an A rank and works in Tokyo. I know he used to have long hair, and cut it, but is growing it out again. I know Yuushi-sama's sister used to dress him up when he was younger and that's why he's wary about his part in the play. I know he's okay with classical music and he likes desserts. I know he doesn't like wine, but he does like sparkling cider. I know he loves cheese. I know he liked bunnies when he was a little kid.
And he apparently wants to handcuff me to a bed and nibble me all over and I wasn't going to get into that-!
I know he's damn hard to read and I hate it.
Somehow, writing all of this out hasn't helped much. And posting it probably isn't the best idea - who knows, maybe Inui-sama will hack my journal next (god only knows why) and post the results for all to see. Perhaps that would help things.
Or just make them infinitely worse.
Oishi-sama, I'm going to head to my violin practice a little early, if that's okay?
So, there's Oishi-sama but he's a) my master and there are rules about that and b) even if he wasn't...I'm just not interested in him that way. And he doesn't seem the type to do casual relationships anyway. There's Eiji-san, but...we're friends. And I like it that way - yes, he's cute I suppose but - I just don't want to change things. I mean, I know friends can be lovers as well and it'll simply be an extension of the friendship but...I just...I like having Eiji-san as my friend - just my friend.
I wonder if that's what Shishido feels for me.
I'm getting off topic - Akazawa-san isn't interested in guys, Hiyoshi-sama is taken...I suppose, maybe, if he wasn't dating Hiyoshi-sama, I could try with Mukahi-san...? But I don't know, it'd be odd somehow - and they are dating so it's a moot point anyway. There are a few other people I talk to sometimes, but none who I'd feel comfortable asking about this...heck some of the people I just listed I wouldn't feel comfortable asking about this.
So...that leaves...
Tezuka-sama, who is both taken and not the type for casual sex. Plus, I prefer his respect to his interest. I don't want to lose...whatever friendship-like-thing we have.
Shishido, who is the reason I'm considering all of this in the first place and who has made it abundantly clear that he won't do this with me.
And...Yuushi-sama. Who is attractive, knows what he's doing, and is clearly not against the idea. And...may find me attractive? I don't know. I suppose I wouldn't mind, with him - he's been kind to me, if more than a little fond of putting me in rather uncomfortable situations. Not that he seems to realize that they make me uncomfortable until after the fact but I'm not sure if that's deliberate or not. And he likes classical music.
Except then Shishido would kill me. Which is rather counter-productive.
Now what? I'm out of options and Mukahi-san's assurances and enthusiasm aside, I don't really want to just go off with some random stranger. I meant what I told Shishido, I'm not innocent enough to believe that sex requires some pledge of undying love, but I want something beyond just lust. Some kind of history or friendship - just something. I wish I could have that with Shishido - but I've been unkind enough already, with this whole crush business. I don't want to lose him completely - honestly, I'm a little surprised he hasn't run yet. I just wish I understood, I mean, he says he wants me and he flirts with me but won't...do anything with it and I know he doesn't want to hurt me and I know it's fast but - he tells me to go out and 'live a little' but doesn't want me to go and sleep with other people and are things always this confusing? Aren't things supposed to be easier when your crush wants you back?
He says I don't know him - and perhaps I don't. Well, don't really. I know he's flirtatious. I know he likes to gossip. I know he's very loyal to is friends and immensely loyal to his Yuushi-sama. I know he can mix drinks - or says he can. I know he likes to bake. I know he has a pair of handcuffs and isn't afraid to use them. I know he's aiming for his A rank. I know his brother is an A rank and works in Tokyo. I know he used to have long hair, and cut it, but is growing it out again. I know Yuushi-sama's sister used to dress him up when he was younger and that's why he's wary about his part in the play. I know he's okay with classical music and he likes desserts. I know he doesn't like wine, but he does like sparkling cider. I know he loves cheese. I know he liked bunnies when he was a little kid.
And he apparently wants to handcuff me to a bed and nibble me all over and I wasn't going to get into that-!
I know he's damn hard to read and I hate it.
Somehow, writing all of this out hasn't helped much. And posting it probably isn't the best idea - who knows, maybe Inui-sama will hack my journal next (god only knows why) and post the results for all to see. Perhaps that would help things.
Or just make them infinitely worse.
Oishi-sama, I'm going to head to my violin practice a little early, if that's okay?