(no subject)
last night, I had another dream. this was the worst so far. I was half awake when it started but then drifted off as it continued.
here it is
Julia and I were still dating, i think. we were at some school but not university of portland. I guess we had decided to have sex for the first (we never have/had) time and we had picked a place to meet.
a little interruption here, this dream is one of those where you are watching from outside yourself and your thoughts are separate from the "dream you" that you're watching. you dont know what you are going to do until you watch it happen. except when I was alone in the dream, it was like we reconnected with eachother cause my thoughts were his (mine).
ok back to the dream. I was thinking about when we were going to meet, and had decided to tell her that we shouldn't, that it was something too important to her to waste on me, she needed to save it. when I got to the meeting place, she wasn't there and never showed. it got me down, I figured she was afraid or had changed her mind and I wanted to find her to tell her it was ok and what i was thinking. when I found her, she was sitting at a table with someone I know. his name is Gary (she doesn't know him, and larry just posted a picture of me and him. I didn't see it until I sat down to write this.)
so I went up and I think I sat down next to Gary and I think we all chatted for a little bit, but that parts a little fuzzy. then as gary was getting up he kind of quietly said to Julia, "tomorrow, same place and time?"
this is where the separation of my dreaming observing self and my dreaming acting self happened.
I pushed Julia off the end of the table. this really shocked me because I'm not violent, and I have a huge thing about not ever hitting girls/women. she looked up at me from the ground with a weird expectant look. and I leaned down by her left ear and whispered "what are you too meeting for?"
she got up looked at me, and unlike the real Julia, (this Julia is Almost completely different from the real Julia, the real one would have looked sad and upset before saying what she says), she had a little look of satisfaction on her face. she leaned in really close to my left ear and said very simply and matter of factly, "we have sex."
it gave me a jolt, and I could feel the anger in my dream self. I've never been THAT mad. I grabbed her arm and shook her. that scared me too, because I would never do that. I was holding her really tightly. I screamed at her, "What? WHAT?"
then I jolted awake, scared out of my mind. the first thing I thought about wasn't Julia having sex with someone, but I was afraid that I had hurt her. I thought I had hit her. then I worried about her and Gary. it was several moments before I even realized that she doesn't even know Gary.
I felt really horrible after this dream until now, writing about it really helped. man, what a bad dream. I hope they go away soon.
I care about Julia very much, but I've accepted that we aren't together. We're still friends and hang out. but it's way different than how we were friends before we dated. I feel like she really is closed off to me, almost completely. I feel like we cant talk about anything important anymore. I feel like I shouldn't be having these dreams. I feel like I'm past that point in my mind where I'm clinging to a cliff to save my life. (which is usually where I have to be to have dreams like this). I have let go already, but I still feel a great loss. I had felt like I had lost something really important with Kim too, only with Kim, I know I shouldn't have felt like that. I just didn't know any better then, didn't know the difference, wasn't experienced enough to realize it.
With Julia I feel like I've lost my best friend. we've lost this close friendship, confiding in eachother and such. Given time things will probably get better.
well what an eventful morning, I want to take a bubble bath with candles now.
here it is
Julia and I were still dating, i think. we were at some school but not university of portland. I guess we had decided to have sex for the first (we never have/had) time and we had picked a place to meet.
a little interruption here, this dream is one of those where you are watching from outside yourself and your thoughts are separate from the "dream you" that you're watching. you dont know what you are going to do until you watch it happen. except when I was alone in the dream, it was like we reconnected with eachother cause my thoughts were his (mine).
ok back to the dream. I was thinking about when we were going to meet, and had decided to tell her that we shouldn't, that it was something too important to her to waste on me, she needed to save it. when I got to the meeting place, she wasn't there and never showed. it got me down, I figured she was afraid or had changed her mind and I wanted to find her to tell her it was ok and what i was thinking. when I found her, she was sitting at a table with someone I know. his name is Gary (she doesn't know him, and larry just posted a picture of me and him. I didn't see it until I sat down to write this.)
so I went up and I think I sat down next to Gary and I think we all chatted for a little bit, but that parts a little fuzzy. then as gary was getting up he kind of quietly said to Julia, "tomorrow, same place and time?"
this is where the separation of my dreaming observing self and my dreaming acting self happened.
I pushed Julia off the end of the table. this really shocked me because I'm not violent, and I have a huge thing about not ever hitting girls/women. she looked up at me from the ground with a weird expectant look. and I leaned down by her left ear and whispered "what are you too meeting for?"
she got up looked at me, and unlike the real Julia, (this Julia is Almost completely different from the real Julia, the real one would have looked sad and upset before saying what she says), she had a little look of satisfaction on her face. she leaned in really close to my left ear and said very simply and matter of factly, "we have sex."
it gave me a jolt, and I could feel the anger in my dream self. I've never been THAT mad. I grabbed her arm and shook her. that scared me too, because I would never do that. I was holding her really tightly. I screamed at her, "What? WHAT?"
then I jolted awake, scared out of my mind. the first thing I thought about wasn't Julia having sex with someone, but I was afraid that I had hurt her. I thought I had hit her. then I worried about her and Gary. it was several moments before I even realized that she doesn't even know Gary.
I felt really horrible after this dream until now, writing about it really helped. man, what a bad dream. I hope they go away soon.
I care about Julia very much, but I've accepted that we aren't together. We're still friends and hang out. but it's way different than how we were friends before we dated. I feel like she really is closed off to me, almost completely. I feel like we cant talk about anything important anymore. I feel like I shouldn't be having these dreams. I feel like I'm past that point in my mind where I'm clinging to a cliff to save my life. (which is usually where I have to be to have dreams like this). I have let go already, but I still feel a great loss. I had felt like I had lost something really important with Kim too, only with Kim, I know I shouldn't have felt like that. I just didn't know any better then, didn't know the difference, wasn't experienced enough to realize it.
With Julia I feel like I've lost my best friend. we've lost this close friendship, confiding in eachother and such. Given time things will probably get better.
well what an eventful morning, I want to take a bubble bath with candles now.