Explanations
Ok, so I'm going to do something I normally wouldn't do. I'm going to explain what is going on with the cris right now, because apparently while people seem to notice that there's something wrong with me, no one can seem to talk to me about what's wrong with me.
First of all, I suffer from clinical depression, and it happens to be in overdrive this week. My kids and the husband are in Mississippi, not due home until Satuday. Yes, ladies and gents... that means I had to spend Thanksgiving alone. "Well you have family in the same city where you live, don't you?" Yeah, and a mother who every time she sees me already wants to shove pills down my throat to control my mood... For the record, I hate pill hangovers, and that's exactly what the meds she's wanting to feed me do. No, thank you. Not to mention the fact that they're not as affective as they should be. Oh, and I was informed Wednesday that I now have to work 3p-11p on Saturday, so I won't even be here when my kids get home. That helps, oh so much.
Second of all, my depression has been kicking me for a couple of weeks now, but I've been coping a lot better than I have this week. Think it's mostly because of the absense of the kids for so long, and such. On top of that, I'm really not as outgoing as people might believe me to be. And if I'm having problems, I can't always bring myself to reach out to someone about them. I just don't feel comfortable doing that. I'm a Southerner, and if you're a Southerner with any kind of decent upbringing, you know better than to impose yourself upon people. So, yeah... I've withdrawn a lot. Right now, halaku is the person I feel most comfortable talking to. It's nothing against anyone else, but since I've become friends with him my circle of friends has changed quite a bit so my comfort zone is still settling. I know this has been my circle of friends for a couple of years by now probably, but yeah, I'm still adjusting... For those that don't remember, I did have to go through therapy almost two years ago I was in such a screwed up mental state. I do reach out to others from time to time, usually when I'm frustrated with halaku, or have something I just don't feel comfortable sharing with him... Doesn't happen often, but it does happen.
Next... No, I'm not currently seeking medical treatment for my depression, nor am I going to be doing so in the near future. It's not necessarily because I don't want to or can't afford it... First, I have to choose a PCP before anyone will treat my depression, that's harder than it looks. I've yet to find one I really like well enough for that. Second, yeah, money is a bit tight right now, between paying $50 a week for kids school lunches, driving 50 miles a day round trip to work, trying to keep bills paid, food in the house, and Christmas is coming soon too... I can afford it if I have to, but it's going to get put off.. I don't have the lovely Employee Assistance Program I had at the hospital. On top of that, our insurance is changing at the first of the year, and I don't know yet if that will change what doctors will be in network, so I'm trying to hold off for that too.
Now then... About halaku... I consider him to be my best friend, hence that's why I'm so comfortable talking to him. Just because I'm in a shitty mood one night, doesn't mean he's done anything to make me that way. Yes, there are times when I would love to wring his neck, but trust me... He hears about it. He doesn't need the accusations from everyone else or the inquisition hunting him down thinking he's done something to hurt me. If he's done something to piss me off enough, I usually talk to someone else about it, to help get it off my chest, and at the same time, I'm already letting him have it for whatever was said to piss me off. In other words, get off his ass about me. Second on that, don't go to him asking what's wrong with me. If you want to know, ask me. I'm a big girl, and know how to politely say when I don't want to talk about what's bothering me. And I also know when I need to talk about what's bothering me. No, I'm not in a place where I can just go to any one of my friends and say "Hey, I'm having issues, can we talk for a while so I can feel better?" I just can't, and please don't expect me too. But don't go to him and ask what he's done to me, or what's wrong with me or anything else if you can't ask me. Honestly, that's not how friends work, or at least so I'm told.
And like I've been telling halaku for about 24 hours now... I want someone that acts like they really want to talk to me or do stuff with me, without talking down to me, flat avoiding/ignoring me, or getting an attitude with me for being the way I am right now... I want a friend, not help. From my personal experiences with therapy... Friends do more good for me than therapy or pills.
First of all, I suffer from clinical depression, and it happens to be in overdrive this week. My kids and the husband are in Mississippi, not due home until Satuday. Yes, ladies and gents... that means I had to spend Thanksgiving alone. "Well you have family in the same city where you live, don't you?" Yeah, and a mother who every time she sees me already wants to shove pills down my throat to control my mood... For the record, I hate pill hangovers, and that's exactly what the meds she's wanting to feed me do. No, thank you. Not to mention the fact that they're not as affective as they should be. Oh, and I was informed Wednesday that I now have to work 3p-11p on Saturday, so I won't even be here when my kids get home. That helps, oh so much.
Second of all, my depression has been kicking me for a couple of weeks now, but I've been coping a lot better than I have this week. Think it's mostly because of the absense of the kids for so long, and such. On top of that, I'm really not as outgoing as people might believe me to be. And if I'm having problems, I can't always bring myself to reach out to someone about them. I just don't feel comfortable doing that. I'm a Southerner, and if you're a Southerner with any kind of decent upbringing, you know better than to impose yourself upon people. So, yeah... I've withdrawn a lot. Right now, halaku is the person I feel most comfortable talking to. It's nothing against anyone else, but since I've become friends with him my circle of friends has changed quite a bit so my comfort zone is still settling. I know this has been my circle of friends for a couple of years by now probably, but yeah, I'm still adjusting... For those that don't remember, I did have to go through therapy almost two years ago I was in such a screwed up mental state. I do reach out to others from time to time, usually when I'm frustrated with halaku, or have something I just don't feel comfortable sharing with him... Doesn't happen often, but it does happen.
Next... No, I'm not currently seeking medical treatment for my depression, nor am I going to be doing so in the near future. It's not necessarily because I don't want to or can't afford it... First, I have to choose a PCP before anyone will treat my depression, that's harder than it looks. I've yet to find one I really like well enough for that. Second, yeah, money is a bit tight right now, between paying $50 a week for kids school lunches, driving 50 miles a day round trip to work, trying to keep bills paid, food in the house, and Christmas is coming soon too... I can afford it if I have to, but it's going to get put off.. I don't have the lovely Employee Assistance Program I had at the hospital. On top of that, our insurance is changing at the first of the year, and I don't know yet if that will change what doctors will be in network, so I'm trying to hold off for that too.
Now then... About halaku... I consider him to be my best friend, hence that's why I'm so comfortable talking to him. Just because I'm in a shitty mood one night, doesn't mean he's done anything to make me that way. Yes, there are times when I would love to wring his neck, but trust me... He hears about it. He doesn't need the accusations from everyone else or the inquisition hunting him down thinking he's done something to hurt me. If he's done something to piss me off enough, I usually talk to someone else about it, to help get it off my chest, and at the same time, I'm already letting him have it for whatever was said to piss me off. In other words, get off his ass about me. Second on that, don't go to him asking what's wrong with me. If you want to know, ask me. I'm a big girl, and know how to politely say when I don't want to talk about what's bothering me. And I also know when I need to talk about what's bothering me. No, I'm not in a place where I can just go to any one of my friends and say "Hey, I'm having issues, can we talk for a while so I can feel better?" I just can't, and please don't expect me too. But don't go to him and ask what he's done to me, or what's wrong with me or anything else if you can't ask me. Honestly, that's not how friends work, or at least so I'm told.
And like I've been telling halaku for about 24 hours now... I want someone that acts like they really want to talk to me or do stuff with me, without talking down to me, flat avoiding/ignoring me, or getting an attitude with me for being the way I am right now... I want a friend, not help. From my personal experiences with therapy... Friends do more good for me than therapy or pills.