Emo whinings of emo
Gah. Level 10 migraines suck. This goes without saying but classic migraines suck more. Even when they manage to only be 7 or 8, it just tricks you into thinking you'll be good enough to do something fun, and when you try, you just get more nauseous.
Strangely, I'm not really miserable all things considered, just being emo because as always I want to be creating -- and can't atm. Which just sends me into a spiral of "OMFG FINE IF NOT NOW; BUT WHEN DAMN IT?!" because I'm not really that patient to begin with and going 8 years is a long time.
On happy notes: One Piece Movie 10 is great. Randomly I still like 7 better, but 7 had everything I love in movies. Literally. I also love Moyashimon. The anime isn't as good as the manga (typical~) but I was really happy that it ended REALLY REALLY well. >> And much much happier that the manga is still ongoing even if the U.S. release is only up to volume 2, there's 9 volumes out in Japan :O The author mentioned wanting English/American fans to write to him, but I'm not really sure how. Or if he'd even be able to read English. I'm surprisingly shy about such things as it is. I've still never written to Meg Cabot and I always intend to. I guess I just figure that as great as getting fanmail is, and every author needs a fan to keep them happy and energized; they already have so many fans, they should spend that time writing XD One day that's obviously going to bite me in the ass when I mope about getting no fan letters because they all just tell me to keep writing and faster.
It's very strange to be trapped inside one's own head though. Even when it's my usual state of being. It seems like I've been this way since I was a kid; even when I was "healthy." When I was very young I used to get migraine stomach-aches (though they weren't identified as such until I was in 8th grade -- go figure) and there were many days I felt stuck on a couch except for stories. My whole life I really just wanted to be surrounded by stories. Which is something I've strangely achieved. My emo comes in in that I have so many stories to tell, and often when I'm most trapped within those stories, I have little to no means of telling them. They're nice to enjoy in my head, and sure, certainly a relief. But I guess I've been training myself for so long on ways of trying to express them that simply trying to remember them for the points that I can... it's frustrating.
Oftentimes I've wished for a machine that could record dreams. Because if a machine could do that, and play it back like videos to people; than my job would be almost all done. I could set the button on record and then just go back and tailor it and eventually go through to fancy it up. Wouldn't it be incredible? How many authors have so many extra details that they'll never have time/space/energy/coherency to add to a story? Even from the time I was just two years old; I've always thought that that's what heaven would be like. That people would just be able to do whatever their imaginations let them to make a story.
I'm told it's sacrilegious. Because in so doing, it's wanting to be god, which is supposed to be the sin Adam and Eve committed. I don't agree that it's wrong though. Wanting to be like god, how could humans not crave that? Most religions have at the very precepts core the idea of being closer to god. Whether or not mankind or alien species would be allowed to make their own alternate universes to share with each other; I think the desire to do so just makes sense.
Many days I worry I won't see it through. CFIDS is long-term and when it's taken up 1/3rd of your life, it's hard not to get discouraged. I know I haven't reached the 10 year mark yet. I'm not even all the way to 8 years. And I know I'm getting better too. But I'm never been someone to relax easily. Even as nice as it was to sit the night out and watch One Piece 10 and Moyashimon, I pine to write. And I thrive on a sense of accomplishment. What is there to accomplish when you spend the day just happy that you aren't immobile and can read subtitles, even if you can't read most other print? I do not like the part of me that is so addicted to accomplishment. It's what causes my workaholicism, and frequently it's what causes me to overdo things and get sicker. My sense of pride.
I suppose I'm still afraid that if I lose it entirely though, I might just give up someday. That even when I get better, I won't be so driven to succeed and push through everything in my path.
As Moosey says, I'm a very ambitious and sometimes calculating person. I want to be able to rub it in tv executives faces if they turn down my proposals; all the successes I will achieve after them. And I have no doubts that I WILL succeed, that I DO know what I'm doing. How then can I let something like my health get in the way? On the other hand, trying to push through it is so much worse. It's like the insomnia. The only way I can handle or work with the insomnia is to make friends with it. I have to accept that it's there. It's not an enemy, just there; like a scenic mountain. And there's no reason to push it, if I have to stay up later than I'd like for a day or two, then so be it, it happens. Yet, even this I sometimes forget. Always a matter of control. I cannot control the insomnia, simply accept and try to deal with it. And of course, the same goes for CFIDS. But isn't that true of other obstacles I will face?
I want to learn all I can while I am trapped here; but I suppose the part that scares me most of all is that when the time comes, it'll be forgotten. CFIDS doesn't just affect your sleep, allergies, and physical well-being, but it really does create a brain fog, otherwise I'd still be writing.
Oh well. So it's a fear. I won't let it get me down.
And this is why Billy Joel's Vienna is still my theme song.
Also, naturally >> The main reason I'm emo is just lack of writing + Kopper going home. But I got to steal him for 3 extra days. bwahahahahah go me :3
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Oh! Other happy notes!
1) I got the first 5 How to Train Your Dragon books and at least it means Moosey will whine less between now and October.
2) In the last 2 weeks I've bought about 13 cds. :D YAY MUSIC.
3) I still have Ghostbusters and a few other DS games to get through and Civ5 coming out in a month, so at least I'm not too bored even sick.
--And on an unrelated Movie 10 note; Biri clearly should be adopted permanently by the Straw-Hat Crew and eventually go with them back to Alabasta and be bffs with Carue (and they can have amazingly awesome duck babies). Just saying.