Feel it Turn // Life's little updates
After long periods of sickness, it's nice to wake up one day with just a migraine hangover. Sure, migraine hangovers suck, but at the same time it's unbelievably vindicating. It seems to authenticate the pain and legitimately seem to say "See what a horrible thing you must have just lived through? It's great that you're alive!" I know I rehash Spaulding far too much, but I suppose it's a demon I haven't fully escaped yet. It's always there ready to sneak up and attack me when I'm weak. A little voice saying "This pain isn't real. If you were strong, if you really WANTED to, you could just push through it. That's just it. You must WANT this pain. You're weak and too scared to live, so you want to retreat to the comfort of the pain." Strange isn't it? I've never found pain a comfort. And I've never wanted to run away from life. I used to get hurt and furious when people suggested that was why I hurt.
I understand the desire to not want to believe that bad things happen to good people. People want to justify consequences. To nitpick how and why something so horrible could happen. They do it with murders; single mothers that go drinking and get picked up were just being stupid, almost asking for it. Being a prostitute is a high-risk job. Asking for it. Therefore, clearly, the migraines couldn't be from something not fully explained by modern science, it had to be psychological.
While I've had psychologists reassure me that no, my migraines aren't psychosomatic, I do not THINK I will have a migraine and thereby cause it; still being told to so very often, hundreds and hundreds of times started cracks in my psyche. The resolves I had were in that my parents are loving, sane, and stable themselves and always tried to trust me. I know they had days where they wondered. Where they thought maybe just pushing me through the pain would be best for me, but after Spaulding they stopped, and my Mom always fought like a Mama Tiger to make sure the school didn't try to torture me as much as they did. That and the fact that I would never make up auras, migraine hangovers, and that acupuncture helps so instantly and as much as it does. Even if it was a psychosomatic placebo reaction, it couldn't possibly help that much. Moreover when you consider that migraines are electrical storms in the brain and that acupuncture is meant to steady the electricity in one's body; it really does make perfect sense. Especially since my migraines don't appear to be chemical, muscle, or emotionally based.
It really can be enough to make you want to kick supposedly smart doctors in the ass and remind them that they CAN in fact be wrong and they have to open their minds.
My current primary is amazing. She's Indian so he has to re-get her license (which she is) but this means she's very open, even though she's more knowledgable than many of the specialists I've seen. I like her.
Sometimes I forget one of the good things about being so sick is that it does give me time. Not time to do as I'd like, since obviously if I had the choice, my time would be spent actively. Writing, color guard, directing, animals, surfing, rollerblading, even just walking for miles and miles. Nevertheless, it gives me time. To breathe, sit back, chill the fuck out and try to stop thinking so hardcore. It's a long process. When I first get sick I cannot stop the mile-a-minute thinking. The desire to go fast, live fast, BE fast, work work work. Slowing down isn't something that comes naturally to me. Even during biofeedback, my base and calmed down lines were to quote "You know how some people are called one drink ahead of everyone else? Meaning they're way more relaxed? You were born two cups of coffee ahead of everyone else." You wouldn't know it to see me today; rarely switching out of PJs and mostly just laying down on my laptop, but I used to be considered quite hyper. Even borderline sporty. For a little while I worked out at least two hours a day.
I remember when my Dad first went through that. He used to exercise an hour and a half a day. Often more. He was in the army after all. Even as a mad scientist, he wasn't the type to be sedentary. When he started getting CFIDS there were days that he would try to push himself through the pain and collapse on the living room floor. I was scared. Not scared enough to (as my 6th grade teacher mistakenly believed and tried to press upon me) stay home from school to try to protect him (wait, wtf?). Actually, if anything, I tried to be more active and get friends for a change so I didn't have to be home so much. Suck on that Mrs. Bloom.
In any case. It's been quiet this last week or so. Without my ability to truly read/write/RP, it's extremely easy to get bored. Moosey's been a blessing. He helped me find movies to watch and things to do. I finally finished reading/catching up on Kuroshitsuji which was amazing (onto the anime!) I conned my Dad and Moosey into watching Moyashimon with me, and I was ironically relieved to find that the Ghostbusters cartoon really was as fun as I remembered it. By no means am I caught up on anything, I'm behind on manga (except One Piece :| Fuck you 3-week delay 2 year time skip ;;) books, writing, RP, most things really. But still, I'm happy. And feeling quite zen.
Often when I'm extra sick I think that this isn't really living. If being alive only means to be nearly incapacitated and in pain, what kind of life is that? Still, when the storm is over I remember, I don't need anyone outside of me to decide whether my life means something or not. I compare it to others. I think "I'm not successful in my goals" or "I can't even get a job" or "Hell, I can't even go to school." I think about ways people quantify success in life. Success always seemed to be what mattered to me. Often, my only reason for living was to finish my writings. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving them unfinished. Today I feel successful just BEING. Existing. Being alive. It may sound weak or short, but truly I do feel accomplished just for being alive. Whether someone else could hold up under my migraines better or not. Whether they could still have them every day, really every minute the way I do and ignore them or get rid of them entirely; I don't care. They are not me. Good for them then, but no one, even me, gets to decide what I'm doing isn't enough.
My counselor, psychologist, even my Mom have tried to explain that so many times. For so many times, I felt my best wasn't enough. If I did my best to get off the floor when I couldn't move and couldn't get up, giving it my best, giving it my all, I saw it as a complete failure. I'd think to myself that I somehow wasn't really trying my best. That I was just lazy and if I really wanted to try harder, I could. Crazy, yes, but I never said it wasn't. Even knowing it was crazy, I couldn't shake it.
Today though, it seems enough to just be alive. As the pain dies down, it's easier to remember that the pain doesn't last forever. Even if all I can during the pain times is relax and breathe and sit there dreaming up fairy tales that I don't know if I'll be able to get around to writing; then so be it. I wouldn't want to write EVERYTHING I dream up anyway. Some of them are bound to suck. At least I'll be forced to prioritize to give it my best.
Today and starting with the trip to Maine; I can feel things Turn. Listening to the high school loudspeakers, smelling the fall encroaching, feeling color guard in my bones. Often with the CFIDS this was borderline heartbreaking. A reminder that I was still here, living with my parents, not progressing, not moving on. But the truth is, no matter how many times I stumble and fall, even if takes me TRULY forever, I am still moving forward. I've never given up, and I never will. I'm not as strong as I'd like to be, but I am getting stronger. And above all else, I'm getting wiser and more experienced. I can say with certainty, that if I hadn't gotten CFIDS when I was 16 and instead had been able to go to college and tried to be a writer, I wouldn't have succeeded. Hell, I'd have been crushed and maybe given up. There are so many things I've learned from this; but most of all is ways TO learn more. Ways TO develop my writing. As I haven't been able to put them into practice as I used to, it put me more in my head. More focused on how to develop my techniques than use it. I always believed practice made perfect, but I started to learn other ways of practice. And more importantly, depth.
I still believe it's possible for even a kid to understand some things better than many adults. Nevertheless, I myself couldn't write or speak of true bone-crushing pain or absolute despair without despairing myself. I wanted to write to escape so I couldn't bring myself to really add things like that. Now I think I can handle criticism, and more importantly, separating myself from writing and my "successes" or accomplishments. The thins I've achieved or done are not WHO or WHAT I am. They're simply things I've done, whether I'm proud or not. Whether they're perfect or not, they can always be better. It's best to just have fun with it and try to make it as fun as I can for others at the same time.
Anyways, this is my mood.
Feel it Turn
By: Great Big Sea
I had a dream I was moving forward
Floating gently to the sun
I've come to see my world rewarded
A new day has begun
A lost bird caught in mid migration
Far away to a foreign land
Offspring of a secret nation
A new day has begun
I can see the earth below me
and I can
feel it turn
Fog lifts to reveal potential
For generations prophesized
Our growth to be exponential
Our promise finally realized
I can see the earth below me
and I can
feel it turn
Feel it turn
Across the sky
The world it learns
So must I
Cut steel wired into water
Fixed link, circumnavigate
Old men see your sons and daughters
No longer, no longer hesitate
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Manga/webcomic/book Lists:
Caught up on:
Otaku no Musume-san (52)
One Piece (597)
Fairy Tail (198)
Kuroshitsuji (48)
Yellow Dragon ga Arawareta (7)
Hanna is Not a Boy's Name
To read/complete/catch up:
The World Only God Knows
D. Gray Man
History's Greatest Disciple
Dominic Deegan
New Lowroad
Urusei Yatsura
In Print to buy:
Wish 4
With the Light 7 (Sept. 28th)
Petshop of Horrors Tokyo 7 (Sept. 28th)
One Piece 55 (Oct. 5th)
Fairy Tail 9, 10, 11, 12 -- (comes out Sept. 28th)
Books to read (already bought):
WoT 11 & 12
Third Mistborn book
Nicola and the Viscount (Meg Cabot)
R.A. Salvatore set
How to Train Your Dragon 1-5
Percy Jackson first 3
Books to buy;
WoT 13
How to Train your Dragon 6 & 7
Insatiable (Meg Cabot)
Games:
To play:
IceWind Dale 2 w/ Moosey (PC)
Banjo Kazooie (GBA)
FF III & FF IV (DS)
Apollo Justice (DS) -- assuming I can find it from where Moosey lost it orz
To buy:
Civ 5 (PC)
DragonAge