"Sick Day"; another H/W kid!fic without the kid (Church-verse)
Title: Sick Day
Pairing: House/Wilson
Rating: G
Warning: kid!fic (without the kid); all dialogue, all the time
Summary: In which our heroes argue, stripper kid strikes again, and vague mention is made of car sex.
The Church-verse also includes: Brilliant, Road Trip, Nine Months (and Change), and The Twelve Days of Chrismukkah, Tell Me a Story, and Daily Drabble #6 (he dreams of running...).
A/N: Three lines, one of which is not mine, are used with sort-of permission by the lovely asynca. Let's see if she can remember which.
"Where is your suit? Why aren't you wearing your suit? What did you drop on it?"
"I'm not wearing a suit. The kid won't know me if I'm wearing a suit."
"He's graduating kindergarten. It's a milestone. Put on the damn suit."
"He's successfully mastered the art of Crayola. Somehow, that doesn't impress me as much as you think it should."
"House, I swear before all that I hold holy, if you don't put on the suit..."
"Here we go."
"...I'm going to cry."
"Wait, what now? I was expecting death by asphyxiation, stuffing the suit down my windpipe; strangling me with your bare hands, or maybe with a pants leg; tying me up in the suit and dousing me with honey and fire ants."
"I don't have time to murder you. If you want to see me cry like a baby girl, keep on not wearing the damned suit."
"That's not playing fair. Making you cry only gets me points if it's unintentional. Now that I know you're going to cry, that just takes all the fun out of it."
"Good. Then you won't mind putting on the suit."
"I wouldn't go that far. I hate that suit. I'll wear another suit."
"That suit is the only suit that isn't wrinkled. If you wanted to wear something else, you should have sent it with me to the dry cleaners."
"That sounds like work. I'm allergic to work, it gives me the hives."
"Take some Benadryl. How is it work, if I'm the only one who goes to the dry cleaners?"
"Having to act like I care takes a lot out of me. I'm not sure if I'm capable of sustaining that much concern for how you spend your day."
"Okay, that's great, I'm glad you said that. You forget that I have my secret weapons."
"Hey, I love your balls as much as the next guy, but that doesn't mean I'm..."
"Our mothers are going to be there, in all their proud grandmotherly glory. If you show up in something that is not a suit, I can't be held responsible for what happens to you."
"How did I ever live without you?"
"I'm sure I have no idea. Do you need help with your tie?"
"Yes, please. No need to look like the cat with the canary, Jimmy dearest."
"Our son is graduating kindergarten, I've got you in a suit; later, I'll get you out of it. I can't help if it I'm feeling accomplished."
.........................................
"What happens if he screws up his lines, does he fail kindergarten? He looks like he's constipated."
"I think it's stage fright. I hope it's stage fright, anyway. He needs to eat more fiber."
"Good luck with that. The costume is awful, by the way."
"Hey, I made that costume, with my own two hands."
"Which you used to dial the phone and call your mother."
"You tell her it looks awful. I dare you."
"The only thing that keeps her from poisoning my food is the fact that I let him eat out of my plate. I'm not pushing my luck."
"Using your son as a food-taster, that's clever. In a despicable, cowardly sort of way."
"I do what I can. Jimmy, we have a problem."
"What? Oh, for heaven's sake."
"Stripper kid strikes again."
"This is your fault."
"Hey, I'm wearing a suit. You can't pin this on me."
"Oh, but I can. Oh, but I will. He's a baby exhibitionist, and I blame you."
"I'll take the credit for it. Look, no one's snoring now, he's got everyone's attention."
"So that makes it alright?"
"I'm not sure if I should answer that. It's funny, though."
"I'll admit to being slightly amused. The humiliation and shame, though, are threatening to overwhelm."
"Well, at least Dad's got it on film. That's a lifetime supply of blackmail opportunities, that is."
"I like the way you think."
"He's happy, anyway. His very first striptease. I know I'm proud. Are you proud?"
"Filled up with it. And to think I was worried about you embarrassing me."
"The night's still young, Jimmy my boy."
.........................................
"What are you feeding him? Did I not just tell you that he needed more fiber?"
"Hot dog buns are fiber. Sort of."
"What kind of doctor are you? Make him eat the bun at least, would you?"
"He likes the hot dogs. I wonder who he gets that from?"
"Did you just...our parents are here!"
"Never mind the offspring's innocent ears, let's make sure no one knows you suck..."
"You can close your mouth on the rest of that sentence, or I can close it for you."
"You're not going to do anything, because then you'll have to explain why you abuse me."
"I'm sure that everyone at this table knows exactly why I abuse you. Most of them will be more than happy to help me."
"Why am I always getting the blame? You're just as much of an asshole as I am."
"I hide it better. Now feed him some of these mashed potatoes. Eat your peas."
"Make me."
"Blythe, House won't feed Church his mashed potatoes, or eat his peas."
"That's dirty. That's low-down, dirty, and mean. I didn't tell your mother that her costume was awful. I could have, but I didn't. I kept my mouth shut."
"Are you angry? Seriously?"
"I'm unhappy. Also, I'm feeling somewhat betrayed."
"You're angry, because I ratted on you to Mom. That's sort of sweet."
"Shut up. I don't rat on you."
"It's okay to announce our bedroom habits in a crowded eating establishment, though, right?"
"I was hoping you'd forget that part."
"Not a chance."
.........................................
"I think your Dad's getting annoyed with our little graduate."
"Who isn't annoyed with him, that's the real question."
"That's what you get for letting him drink three glasses of Pepsi, and eat two pieces of cake."
"I saw you giving him the icing from your slice. Everything is not always my fault."
"Not to hear your father tell it."
"Again, with the jabs. What did I do to you?"
"Am I annoying you?"
"In a word, hell yes. What's wrong with you today?"
"He's not a baby anymore. Look at him, he's so tall, about to go into the first grade. Where did the time go?"
"That's fine, mourn your baby's growth into manhood, but don't take it out on me."
"Because you never take your crappy days out on me."
"Of course I do, I'm a horrible excuse for a human being. You don't want to be like me."
"You're not getting sympathy. You just don't like getting the same crap you give out."
"Granted. That doesn't mean you should do it."
"It would be nice, every now and again, to see some type of emotion from you."
"Is that what this is about? Whatever my feelings on the matter, or any matter, I'm not airing them until I'm damned good and ready. I would think that you'd know that by now."
"Knowing it, and dealing with it on a regular basis, are two very different things."
"That appears to be a personal problem. One you should deal with soon."
.......................................
"Where are you?"
"Driving. We needed milk. Is that alright with you?"
"I'm not fighting with you. I need you to come home."
"What's wrong?"
"He's throwing up. Three times already, in just the past few minutes."
"He ate a lot of junk, that's not..."
"He's got a fever. Please, just come home."
"He seemed fine earlier. Is anyone else feeling sick?"
"No. Come home."
"I'm on my way. How high is the fever?"
"I'm taking his temperature now. Where are you?"
"I'm two blocks away, calm down. You're upsetting him."
"He's upsetting me. What if it's an obstruction? When was the last time he pooped, I can't remember."
"How the hell do I know? I don't keep a log of his craps."
"Maybe you should. Where are you?"
"I'm at the end of the street. Projectile vomiting? Bile? Severe pain?"
"No, no, I don't think so. Hurry up."
"I doubt it's an obstruction. Hey, aren't you a doctor?"
"Shut up, and come help me. Where are you?"
"Coming in the door. Waking up everyone in the house. Putting away the milk."
"Fuck the milk! Get in here."
.......................................
"It's not an obstruction. I'm thinking stomach virus, food poisoning, ear infection."
"All of them?"
"Of course not. Will you breathe already?"
"I'm nervous, sue me. Are you just naming off whatever pops into your head?"
"Strangely enough, I usually get paid to do this."
"How do you know it's not an obstruction? It could be appendicitis. Didn't that guy last week have meningitis? What if you brought it home? We should take him to the emergency room."
"I did not bring anything home. No pain, that's why it's not an obstruction or appendicitis. No neck pain, it's not meningitis. It could be norovirus, though I doubt it. He's got some dizziness, that makes me think it's an ear infection."
"He's not pulling at his ear. Why do we have to do a differential every time he gets sick? Let's just take him to the hospital."
"Between us, we've got more medical education and experience than every resident staffing the ER right now put together. If you'll let him go a minute, I'll take a look in his ears."
"He won't let you. God, could you possibly manufacture some concern?"
"Vomiting and fever, not exactly life-threatening. Children have lived through worse."
"Yes, fine, but not our child. He's never sick."
"Thank heavens for that, or we'd have to put you in a straitjacket. You're upset, I get it, but all you're doing is upsetting him."
"I'm not upsetting...crap."
"What?"
"He's pulling at his ear. I bet his throat is cruddy, too."
"Cruddy, is that a medical term? Yep, we have fluid. We also have crud."
"I take back every bad thing I said about you."
"What about every bad thing you thought about me?"
"Let's not take this too far."
.......................................
"I'm laying money on strep throat with a double order of ear infection."
"I'm not betting against."
"A far cry from thirty minutes ago."
"I'm sorry?"
"That's a start. I'll be requiring French toast in the morning, and sexual favors. Many sexual favors."
"Your mother has banned me from the bathroom, so I have nothing but time."
"He's fine. Mom lives for this stuff, and you're a wreck. She's had plenty of practice taking care of Houses."
"Not like I can get any sleep, worrying about him."
"Messing around, with my parents in the house? Jimmy, you minx."
"I'm turned on by your medical prowess. I also owe you an apology."
"Apology sex, that's usually my thing."
"Who said anything about sex?"
"You're just fucking with my mind, now."
"Maybe just a little. You were all calm and take-charge and..."
"You were turned on, weren't you?"
"Who wouldn't be? Take me, take me now."
"You're not messing around with my parents in the house, are you?"
"Of course not. However, we are in desperate need of ginger ale and popsicles."
"Ear drops. We have none. And...7-up, and other things sick children require."
"Right, those things. I can't drive. I'm much too upset. I can't trust you to get what we need. You have to drive."
"Yes. Driving. To the drugstore. Which is open now. At night. Yes."
"Great, I stopped your brain. I'll go tell your mother. You try walking to the car without giving anything away."
"You want me to walk like this?"
"Car. Sex. You and me. I'm sure you'll find a way."
"Your new-found faith in me is staggering."
"That's not the only thing that's staggering."
......................................
"Do you think I'm a bad parent?"
"Yes. Go to sleep."
"I'm serious."
"I said yes. Go to sleep."
"You don't really think that, do you?"
"Yes. Now go to sleep."
"I can't sleep if you think I'm a bad parent."
"If I say you're a good parent, will you believe me?"
"No."
"Then what I think has absolutely no bearing on what you think. Which, by the way, is how it should be. Can I please go to sleep now?"
"No. I completely lost my cool. I would read the riot act to any of my doctors who freaked out like that."
"Your doctors wouldn't be treating their offspring, presumably. There's a reason for that."
"He's not my offspring."
"Oh god, not this again."
"He isn't."
"I can't give him the emotional crap he needs, Cuddy can't give him the emotional crap he needs. While you're torturing yourself with worry over your parenting abilities or lack thereof, she's snoring peacefully, and I'm attempting to snore peacefully. He's your son, genetics nothwithstanding. Now shut the hell up, and go to sleep."
"I'm going to see if he wants to sleep in here."
"Leave him alone. Mom knows what she's doing."
"You've convinced me that I'm needed."
"Great. Wonderful. You two sleep in his room."
"Good night, sleepyhead. Thanks."
"Make sure you close the door all the way."
.......................................
"Wake up. Feel his head."
"Have you heard of this new-fangled invention called the thermometer?"
"Feel his head."
"He's burning up. Which is shocking, I know, but he is sick. Did you give him some Motrin?"
"Yes. He threw it up."
"Jimmy, you're exhausted. Hand over the child."
"He needs to go to the hospital."
"Here we go again. You can call in sick tomorrow and take him into the pediatrician. There is no need to go sit in the hosptal for three hours for them to tell us to do what we're already doing."
"We didn't get Gatorade. He needs Gatorade."
"You need sleep."
"He's dehydrated."
"He's not dehydrated."
"How do you know?"
"Go get in the bed, and I'll check."
"You don't need me."
"Of course we need you. That's why you have to go to sleep."
"You'll let him sleep with us."
"Yes, for god's sake. Go to sleep."
"Okay."
"No argument? God, are we sure you aren't sick?"
.......................................
"No kissing, O Sickly Wife O' Mine."
"Not your wife."
"You're so cute when you can't talk. It's like a dream I had once."
"Why no kissing?"
"You think I want to be laid up in bed with the two of you?"
"No work."
"You have a point. Call in sick for me."
"I will not."
"I'll make the kid do it, then. C'mere, brat. Call Lisa and tell her your Mommy and Daddy can't come to work today."
"Not his Mommy."
"Oh fine. Tell her Jimmy and House can't come to work today. I'll dial the number for you, since you're sick."
"What a prince."
"Aren't I? What are we having for breakfast?"
"Ask your parents."
"Wait a minute. This is your subtle, passive-aggressive way of making me spend time with my parents, isn't it?"
"Don't know what you're talking about."
"Are you even sick? Let me take a look at your throat. Hold your horses, little monkey. I may have to work on those pesky clinic hours. Can't let them get out of hand again."
"Too late. Now we'll never get him off the phone."
"If I didn't know better, I'd say you did it on purpose."
"No. This, I'm doing on purpose. Help me out, Church."
"Great, just great. Strep kisses. I don't know whether to be sick or cockle-warmed."
"Let me warm your sickly cockles, then."
"Well, that's faintly vulgar."
"Would've been wasted otherwise. Bring me tea, and I'll send your father out to pick up the prescriptions."
"I knew there was a reason I kept you around."
"To pick up your drycleaning?"
"Among other things."
Pairing: House/Wilson
Rating: G
Warning: kid!fic (without the kid); all dialogue, all the time
Summary: In which our heroes argue, stripper kid strikes again, and vague mention is made of car sex.
The Church-verse also includes: Brilliant, Road Trip, Nine Months (and Change), and The Twelve Days of Chrismukkah, Tell Me a Story, and Daily Drabble #6 (he dreams of running...).
A/N: Three lines, one of which is not mine, are used with sort-of permission by the lovely asynca. Let's see if she can remember which.
"Where is your suit? Why aren't you wearing your suit? What did you drop on it?"
"I'm not wearing a suit. The kid won't know me if I'm wearing a suit."
"He's graduating kindergarten. It's a milestone. Put on the damn suit."
"He's successfully mastered the art of Crayola. Somehow, that doesn't impress me as much as you think it should."
"House, I swear before all that I hold holy, if you don't put on the suit..."
"Here we go."
"...I'm going to cry."
"Wait, what now? I was expecting death by asphyxiation, stuffing the suit down my windpipe; strangling me with your bare hands, or maybe with a pants leg; tying me up in the suit and dousing me with honey and fire ants."
"I don't have time to murder you. If you want to see me cry like a baby girl, keep on not wearing the damned suit."
"That's not playing fair. Making you cry only gets me points if it's unintentional. Now that I know you're going to cry, that just takes all the fun out of it."
"Good. Then you won't mind putting on the suit."
"I wouldn't go that far. I hate that suit. I'll wear another suit."
"That suit is the only suit that isn't wrinkled. If you wanted to wear something else, you should have sent it with me to the dry cleaners."
"That sounds like work. I'm allergic to work, it gives me the hives."
"Take some Benadryl. How is it work, if I'm the only one who goes to the dry cleaners?"
"Having to act like I care takes a lot out of me. I'm not sure if I'm capable of sustaining that much concern for how you spend your day."
"Okay, that's great, I'm glad you said that. You forget that I have my secret weapons."
"Hey, I love your balls as much as the next guy, but that doesn't mean I'm..."
"Our mothers are going to be there, in all their proud grandmotherly glory. If you show up in something that is not a suit, I can't be held responsible for what happens to you."
"How did I ever live without you?"
"I'm sure I have no idea. Do you need help with your tie?"
"Yes, please. No need to look like the cat with the canary, Jimmy dearest."
"Our son is graduating kindergarten, I've got you in a suit; later, I'll get you out of it. I can't help if it I'm feeling accomplished."
.........................................
"What happens if he screws up his lines, does he fail kindergarten? He looks like he's constipated."
"I think it's stage fright. I hope it's stage fright, anyway. He needs to eat more fiber."
"Good luck with that. The costume is awful, by the way."
"Hey, I made that costume, with my own two hands."
"Which you used to dial the phone and call your mother."
"You tell her it looks awful. I dare you."
"The only thing that keeps her from poisoning my food is the fact that I let him eat out of my plate. I'm not pushing my luck."
"Using your son as a food-taster, that's clever. In a despicable, cowardly sort of way."
"I do what I can. Jimmy, we have a problem."
"What? Oh, for heaven's sake."
"Stripper kid strikes again."
"This is your fault."
"Hey, I'm wearing a suit. You can't pin this on me."
"Oh, but I can. Oh, but I will. He's a baby exhibitionist, and I blame you."
"I'll take the credit for it. Look, no one's snoring now, he's got everyone's attention."
"So that makes it alright?"
"I'm not sure if I should answer that. It's funny, though."
"I'll admit to being slightly amused. The humiliation and shame, though, are threatening to overwhelm."
"Well, at least Dad's got it on film. That's a lifetime supply of blackmail opportunities, that is."
"I like the way you think."
"He's happy, anyway. His very first striptease. I know I'm proud. Are you proud?"
"Filled up with it. And to think I was worried about you embarrassing me."
"The night's still young, Jimmy my boy."
.........................................
"What are you feeding him? Did I not just tell you that he needed more fiber?"
"Hot dog buns are fiber. Sort of."
"What kind of doctor are you? Make him eat the bun at least, would you?"
"He likes the hot dogs. I wonder who he gets that from?"
"Did you just...our parents are here!"
"Never mind the offspring's innocent ears, let's make sure no one knows you suck..."
"You can close your mouth on the rest of that sentence, or I can close it for you."
"You're not going to do anything, because then you'll have to explain why you abuse me."
"I'm sure that everyone at this table knows exactly why I abuse you. Most of them will be more than happy to help me."
"Why am I always getting the blame? You're just as much of an asshole as I am."
"I hide it better. Now feed him some of these mashed potatoes. Eat your peas."
"Make me."
"Blythe, House won't feed Church his mashed potatoes, or eat his peas."
"That's dirty. That's low-down, dirty, and mean. I didn't tell your mother that her costume was awful. I could have, but I didn't. I kept my mouth shut."
"Are you angry? Seriously?"
"I'm unhappy. Also, I'm feeling somewhat betrayed."
"You're angry, because I ratted on you to Mom. That's sort of sweet."
"Shut up. I don't rat on you."
"It's okay to announce our bedroom habits in a crowded eating establishment, though, right?"
"I was hoping you'd forget that part."
"Not a chance."
.........................................
"I think your Dad's getting annoyed with our little graduate."
"Who isn't annoyed with him, that's the real question."
"That's what you get for letting him drink three glasses of Pepsi, and eat two pieces of cake."
"I saw you giving him the icing from your slice. Everything is not always my fault."
"Not to hear your father tell it."
"Again, with the jabs. What did I do to you?"
"Am I annoying you?"
"In a word, hell yes. What's wrong with you today?"
"He's not a baby anymore. Look at him, he's so tall, about to go into the first grade. Where did the time go?"
"That's fine, mourn your baby's growth into manhood, but don't take it out on me."
"Because you never take your crappy days out on me."
"Of course I do, I'm a horrible excuse for a human being. You don't want to be like me."
"You're not getting sympathy. You just don't like getting the same crap you give out."
"Granted. That doesn't mean you should do it."
"It would be nice, every now and again, to see some type of emotion from you."
"Is that what this is about? Whatever my feelings on the matter, or any matter, I'm not airing them until I'm damned good and ready. I would think that you'd know that by now."
"Knowing it, and dealing with it on a regular basis, are two very different things."
"That appears to be a personal problem. One you should deal with soon."
.......................................
"Where are you?"
"Driving. We needed milk. Is that alright with you?"
"I'm not fighting with you. I need you to come home."
"What's wrong?"
"He's throwing up. Three times already, in just the past few minutes."
"He ate a lot of junk, that's not..."
"He's got a fever. Please, just come home."
"He seemed fine earlier. Is anyone else feeling sick?"
"No. Come home."
"I'm on my way. How high is the fever?"
"I'm taking his temperature now. Where are you?"
"I'm two blocks away, calm down. You're upsetting him."
"He's upsetting me. What if it's an obstruction? When was the last time he pooped, I can't remember."
"How the hell do I know? I don't keep a log of his craps."
"Maybe you should. Where are you?"
"I'm at the end of the street. Projectile vomiting? Bile? Severe pain?"
"No, no, I don't think so. Hurry up."
"I doubt it's an obstruction. Hey, aren't you a doctor?"
"Shut up, and come help me. Where are you?"
"Coming in the door. Waking up everyone in the house. Putting away the milk."
"Fuck the milk! Get in here."
.......................................
"It's not an obstruction. I'm thinking stomach virus, food poisoning, ear infection."
"All of them?"
"Of course not. Will you breathe already?"
"I'm nervous, sue me. Are you just naming off whatever pops into your head?"
"Strangely enough, I usually get paid to do this."
"How do you know it's not an obstruction? It could be appendicitis. Didn't that guy last week have meningitis? What if you brought it home? We should take him to the emergency room."
"I did not bring anything home. No pain, that's why it's not an obstruction or appendicitis. No neck pain, it's not meningitis. It could be norovirus, though I doubt it. He's got some dizziness, that makes me think it's an ear infection."
"He's not pulling at his ear. Why do we have to do a differential every time he gets sick? Let's just take him to the hospital."
"Between us, we've got more medical education and experience than every resident staffing the ER right now put together. If you'll let him go a minute, I'll take a look in his ears."
"He won't let you. God, could you possibly manufacture some concern?"
"Vomiting and fever, not exactly life-threatening. Children have lived through worse."
"Yes, fine, but not our child. He's never sick."
"Thank heavens for that, or we'd have to put you in a straitjacket. You're upset, I get it, but all you're doing is upsetting him."
"I'm not upsetting...crap."
"What?"
"He's pulling at his ear. I bet his throat is cruddy, too."
"Cruddy, is that a medical term? Yep, we have fluid. We also have crud."
"I take back every bad thing I said about you."
"What about every bad thing you thought about me?"
"Let's not take this too far."
.......................................
"I'm laying money on strep throat with a double order of ear infection."
"I'm not betting against."
"A far cry from thirty minutes ago."
"I'm sorry?"
"That's a start. I'll be requiring French toast in the morning, and sexual favors. Many sexual favors."
"Your mother has banned me from the bathroom, so I have nothing but time."
"He's fine. Mom lives for this stuff, and you're a wreck. She's had plenty of practice taking care of Houses."
"Not like I can get any sleep, worrying about him."
"Messing around, with my parents in the house? Jimmy, you minx."
"I'm turned on by your medical prowess. I also owe you an apology."
"Apology sex, that's usually my thing."
"Who said anything about sex?"
"You're just fucking with my mind, now."
"Maybe just a little. You were all calm and take-charge and..."
"You were turned on, weren't you?"
"Who wouldn't be? Take me, take me now."
"You're not messing around with my parents in the house, are you?"
"Of course not. However, we are in desperate need of ginger ale and popsicles."
"Ear drops. We have none. And...7-up, and other things sick children require."
"Right, those things. I can't drive. I'm much too upset. I can't trust you to get what we need. You have to drive."
"Yes. Driving. To the drugstore. Which is open now. At night. Yes."
"Great, I stopped your brain. I'll go tell your mother. You try walking to the car without giving anything away."
"You want me to walk like this?"
"Car. Sex. You and me. I'm sure you'll find a way."
"Your new-found faith in me is staggering."
"That's not the only thing that's staggering."
......................................
"Do you think I'm a bad parent?"
"Yes. Go to sleep."
"I'm serious."
"I said yes. Go to sleep."
"You don't really think that, do you?"
"Yes. Now go to sleep."
"I can't sleep if you think I'm a bad parent."
"If I say you're a good parent, will you believe me?"
"No."
"Then what I think has absolutely no bearing on what you think. Which, by the way, is how it should be. Can I please go to sleep now?"
"No. I completely lost my cool. I would read the riot act to any of my doctors who freaked out like that."
"Your doctors wouldn't be treating their offspring, presumably. There's a reason for that."
"He's not my offspring."
"Oh god, not this again."
"He isn't."
"I can't give him the emotional crap he needs, Cuddy can't give him the emotional crap he needs. While you're torturing yourself with worry over your parenting abilities or lack thereof, she's snoring peacefully, and I'm attempting to snore peacefully. He's your son, genetics nothwithstanding. Now shut the hell up, and go to sleep."
"I'm going to see if he wants to sleep in here."
"Leave him alone. Mom knows what she's doing."
"You've convinced me that I'm needed."
"Great. Wonderful. You two sleep in his room."
"Good night, sleepyhead. Thanks."
"Make sure you close the door all the way."
.......................................
"Wake up. Feel his head."
"Have you heard of this new-fangled invention called the thermometer?"
"Feel his head."
"He's burning up. Which is shocking, I know, but he is sick. Did you give him some Motrin?"
"Yes. He threw it up."
"Jimmy, you're exhausted. Hand over the child."
"He needs to go to the hospital."
"Here we go again. You can call in sick tomorrow and take him into the pediatrician. There is no need to go sit in the hosptal for three hours for them to tell us to do what we're already doing."
"We didn't get Gatorade. He needs Gatorade."
"You need sleep."
"He's dehydrated."
"He's not dehydrated."
"How do you know?"
"Go get in the bed, and I'll check."
"You don't need me."
"Of course we need you. That's why you have to go to sleep."
"You'll let him sleep with us."
"Yes, for god's sake. Go to sleep."
"Okay."
"No argument? God, are we sure you aren't sick?"
.......................................
"No kissing, O Sickly Wife O' Mine."
"Not your wife."
"You're so cute when you can't talk. It's like a dream I had once."
"Why no kissing?"
"You think I want to be laid up in bed with the two of you?"
"No work."
"You have a point. Call in sick for me."
"I will not."
"I'll make the kid do it, then. C'mere, brat. Call Lisa and tell her your Mommy and Daddy can't come to work today."
"Not his Mommy."
"Oh fine. Tell her Jimmy and House can't come to work today. I'll dial the number for you, since you're sick."
"What a prince."
"Aren't I? What are we having for breakfast?"
"Ask your parents."
"Wait a minute. This is your subtle, passive-aggressive way of making me spend time with my parents, isn't it?"
"Don't know what you're talking about."
"Are you even sick? Let me take a look at your throat. Hold your horses, little monkey. I may have to work on those pesky clinic hours. Can't let them get out of hand again."
"Too late. Now we'll never get him off the phone."
"If I didn't know better, I'd say you did it on purpose."
"No. This, I'm doing on purpose. Help me out, Church."
"Great, just great. Strep kisses. I don't know whether to be sick or cockle-warmed."
"Let me warm your sickly cockles, then."
"Well, that's faintly vulgar."
"Would've been wasted otherwise. Bring me tea, and I'll send your father out to pick up the prescriptions."
"I knew there was a reason I kept you around."
"To pick up your drycleaning?"
"Among other things."