"Road Trip"; another H/W kid!fic...without the kid.
Title: Road Trip
Pairing: House/Wilson (established)
Rating: G
Warning: More kid!fic, still without the kid. All dialogue, all the time.
Summary: Twelve hours. In a car. With House and a four-year old. Whose idea was this?
A/N: Playing with the random word generator. Again. This story resides in the same universe as the fic Brilliant. Don't think you can have a road trip with a kid and still have a fic without said kid?
Hour 1-Deliver
"...and deliver us from evil..."
"This was your idea, I'll remind you. You can't complain if it's your idea, that's the rule."
"That you just made up. I can complain if you're being all bitchy. Vacations are supposed to be fun, buzzkill."
"I wouldn't be bitchy if you would actually help me."
"Help you do what? I can't drive for you. The kid's still asleep, and you've already told me to shut up four times."
"Did you actually pack any bags? No. Did you help get him ready? No. Did you lift a finger to bring a single thing to this vehicle that wasn't your cane or your ass? No."
"I brought a magazine, and a hefty supply of sarcasm. Although I think you've got plenty of your own."
"Remind me why I agreed to this? And also why we're driving instead of flying like normal, sane people."
"Because you love my parents, for some strange reason. As to that last, I can't say, but I think normal and sane are a bit of a stretch for either one of us."
"True. Very true."
......................................
Hour 2-Default
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
"Shut up, House. Don't give him any ideas."
"Oh, he's got plenty of his own ideas, don't worry. One of them involves McDonald's hashbrowns. It is a very good idea."
"There are sandwiches already made, and I told you that I wasn't stopping until lunch."
"We don't want sandwiches. We want hashbrowns."
"You want coffee. There's a Thermos right by your leg."
"That's too far away. It also involves me opening and pouring and most likely spilling coffee on this lovely, rented upholstery. And you're just asking for trouble with peanut butter and jelly."
"Absolutely not."
"But, Mom!! Hashbrowns, hashbrowns, hashbrowns, hashbrowns, hashbrowns..."
"I know your default setting is 'Annoy', but you're gonna regret teaching him that."
"Not as much as you will. Hashbrowns, hashbrowns, hashbrowns, hashbrowns..."
"We're not stopping."
"Hashbrowns, hashbrowns, hashbrowns..."
"It's not happening."
"Hashbrowns, hashbrowns..."
"Get it off your mind."
"Hashbrowns..."
"Okay, fine, fine, we'll stop. As soon as we find a McDonald's, we'll stop. Call off your clone, please."
"Absolutely, will do! Alright, kiddo, find your old man some golden arches, and stop annoying your mother."
......................................
Hour 3-Waded
"What is wrong with him?"
"How should I know? You're the one who insisted he eat his sausage biscuit. His belly's probably packed."
"It is not. He got your hollow leg."
"Leg jokes while your son is crying. You're a harsh bastard, Jimmy."
"Dammit, House, where's Mr. Bo-bo?"
"I have no idea, but give me a second, and I'll see what I can do."
"Shut up, would you. That's what he's calling the stuffed dog now."
"I thought it was Blueberry Pookachoo."
"It was. It's Mr. Bo-bo now."
"Well, I've got some bad news. Mr. Bo-bo's gone AWOL."
"That traitor. Great, now we have to turn around, and add another thirty minutes to this descent into Hell."
"You say that like you don't love us."
"I don't love YOU."
"I don't see the big deal. He'll forget about it in a few minutes."
"Do you honestly believe the words that just came out of your mouth? He's your son, after all."
"He's my son when he's wailing, is that how it goes?"
"He's your son when he acts exactly like you. Entertain him or something, please, so I can turn this damned vehicle around."
"Hey back there! Listen up, I've got a story for you. Did I every tell you about the time I waded through..."
"Don't tell him that story, are you insane?"
"It's a good story! You told me to entertain him."
"Not with that story. Try again."
"How about you drive, and leave the storytelling to me. Jesus, at least we don't have to worry about his lungs..."
......................................
Hour 4-Partial
"Stop squirming."
"I'm not. I'm shifting positions."
"I told you that you'd be uncomfortable. No, you said. It'll be fine, you said."
"It is fine. My ass is numb, is all. Is that okay with you? Am I allowed to move now, Mom?"
"Don't call me that. And, by the way, stop telling him to call me that."
"It's your name, isn't it?"
"He can call me whatever he wants, as long as it isn't Mom, or any of its variations."
"Which is why you'll always be called that. C'mon, how long have you known us?"
"Him, all of his life. You, far too long."
"Cruel. Very cruel. Your mother doesn't love us, son."
"Don't tell him that! Of course I love you. It's why I put up with your father."
"What was that last, dear? Speak up!"
"Read your magazine, and close your mouth."
"You're so abusive. I'm suing for partial custody."
"Too far."
"Sorry."
"You wouldn't have to sue very hard. Parental rights and all."
"I said I was sorry. Don't dwell."
"I'm not dwelling. I'm stating fact."
"I think I'm going to go sit in the back seat."
"Don't run from the conversation."
"I'm not. I just want to stretch my leg out. Besides, there's a DVD back there, and conversation that doesn't involve potential land mines."
"You're running."
"Not so much, anymore."
......................................
Hour 5-Things
"What the hell are these things?"
"Fruit juice gummies. They're all-natural, 100% something or another. Good for him."
"I can read. They taste like recycled, wax-covered crap."
"Of course they do. You're not supposed to eat them, they're for kids."
"Believe me, kids know crap when they taste it, too."
"Not if they're not exposed to good stuff, they don't."
"You only live once, Jimmy my boy."
"Why is it so quiet back there? Dammit, House, what are you feeding him?"
"Nothing bad. You approve of fruit, don't you?"
"Raisinets are not fruit!"
"Raisins aren't fruit? And you call yourself a doctor."
"It doesn't count if they're drowned in chocolate!"
"Oh come on, they're not gonna hurt him."
"Alright, have it your way, but you've got potty duty."
"Now that's taking it a bit far. It's just some raisins."
"And chocolate. And a fun time you two will be having, too."
"Not as fun as the time he ate the crayons, I hope?"
"That you fed him!"
"I most certainly did not! You have no proof."
"Deny it all you want. You're just lucky he didn't die."
"Oh, you can't die from eating crayons."
"They're full of asbestos, or something."
"The 'or something' is talc fibers, moron, and they wouldn't have hurt him anyway. Not that I fed the child crayons. Because I didn't."
"You certainly enjoyed the show, though."
"He's the idiot who ate the crayons, yell at him. Just because I thought it was hilarious, doesn't mean I gave them to him."
"Bowel obstruction, abdominal tearing..."
"Quit muttering and drive. That was like, what, a year ago? Let it go, Mother Hen."
......................................
Hour 6-Accepted
"Have you accepted Jesus as your personal Saviour?"
"Not today. Why do you ask?"
"Fella in the bathroom tried to witness to me and the rugrat. Look, it's baby's first tract!"
"Did you explain to him that your Jew husband would most likely disapprove? Give me that, it's probably covered in germs."
"That's just the hypocrisy. And no, I didn't. Having a child has mellowed me."
"Oh, god, what did you do?"
"Why do you assume I did something? I had my son with me, and don't much feel like getting beat with sticks and dragged behind a truck today."
"Don't joke about that, for god's sake. You're such an asshole."
"I said I didn't want to."
"Yeah, well, try being sensitive for once in your life. And don't talk about crap like that in front of him."
"Why? Because other people won't? Because he'll always be sheltered from hard truths, and never hear anyone call his parents ugly names? Please. Better he hear them from us, and be prepared."
"He's four. He doesn't need to be prepared while eating his goddamned chicken nuggets."
"But it's okay to curse in front of him? And argue? We just can't say anything about being gay, or the fact that hate crimes are a distinct possibility in his life? Is there a list? Maybe you should draw one up for me."
"Shut up or you'll be eating this tract."
"Gay on gay crime, it's not as well-documented..."
"Eat your sandwich, will you please? Before whatever it is you did turns around to bite us in the ass, and I spend our vacation trying to bail you out of jail."
"You just can't accept the fact that I'm right."
"I can accept it, I don't have a choice but to accept it. Does that make you happy?"
"Not really."
"Well, me neither. The only person who gets to be happy in this family is that little boy, and he's going to be happy, even if I have to rip your throat out to keep you from talking. Now shut up and eat."
"Knew there was a reason I made you his mommy."
"No one else would take the job."
......................................
Hour 7-Compatibility
"According to Cosmo, you and I have zero compatibility."
"That's because you lie. Take it again, see what happens."
"You just want me to stop bothering you."
"Which you never do, so what good does it do me to want it?"
"That's a very pessimistic view. No wonder we're incompatible."
"Fine, test yourself with someone else. If you can find someone more compatible, I'll step away, leave you to them."
"You would not. You start growling if someone looks in my general direction. I thought you were gonna decapitate the gas-station chick when she asked me if I wanted paper or plastic."
"That's not what she asked you. She asked if you were married, and if the little cutie-pie was yours."
"See? You were halfway across the store, with your back turned, comparing nutritional allowances, and you still heard every word she said."
"I was just making sure nothing inappropriate was being said around the baby."
"And was there? No. I'm all yours."
"Lucky, lucky me."
"Yes, lucky you. And lucky me, too. Thanks for pretending you didn't hear the first part."
"The part where she called you his 'Grandpa'? Don't mention it."
"No, seriously, don't mention it."
"Who's mentioning? Now, take the damned quiz again. And don't lie this time."
......................................
Hour 8-Resembling
"Is it just me, or is it starting to resemble a war zone in here?"
"Just you. You look like death warmed over."
"Wow, don't I feel pretty now."
"You're a very beautiful man. Isn't Mama a very beautiful man?"
"Don't call me that. And stop teaching him sarcasm."
"Who's being sarcastic?"
"Okay, I must look really bad, if you're being pseudo-nice to me."
"Why can't I say nice things to you?"
"You can't say nice things when you've just said shitty things. It's canceled out before you even say it."
"That doesn't make any sense at all. Admit it, you're a masochist, you'd rather have the abuse."
"Obviously. Why else would I subject myself to you willingly?"
"Now you're teaching him sarcasm. Cover your ears, my son."
"Who's being sarcastic?"
"You know that compatibility thing?"
"Yeah?"
"We aced it."
"I figured. Give it another twenty or so years, we'll start looking alike."
"Like your parents?"
"That's just mean. Take that back."
"Why? You look like your parents, and, as I've recently stated, you are a very beautiful man."
"You're not so hard on the eyes, yourself."
"I'm blushing."
"You are not. Now, pick up those wrappers before I beat you to death with your own cane."
"Mmm, violence. Sexy."
......................................
Hour 9-Joints
"My joints feel like they're on fire."
"Which is why I told you to bring the other, nicer, joints."
"I'm not stealing medical marijuana for a family trip. No matter how much I will be tempted in the future."
"It hasn't been that bad."
"You've been asleep! How the hell you can sleep with all that noise in your ear is beyond me."
"I have superior ignoring capabilities, all of my teachers said so."
"Who was it that said 'He'll probably sleep the entire time'? Which idiot actually had the nerve to say that?"
"I think it was you. If he's anything like I was as a kid, and I know he is, he'll stay awake just long enough to kiss Grandma and Grandpa, and then pass out once his feet cross the threshold."
"That is not helping us right now."
"No, it really isn't. Good test of lung function, though."
"I worry about a lot of things, but his lung function is not one of them."
"You should. Imagine all those sick people you want me to treat, and all the infectious diseases that riot unchecked in our workplace."
"Shut up. I don't have enough to worry about with preschool, now I have to worry about that? You're the infectious disease guy, that's your area of worry. I've got everything else."
"I worry about other things!"
"When, exactly?"
"All the time!"
"You do not. Unless snoring is a sign of anxiety."
"Just because I don't stay awake at night, doing calculations on fixed interest rates and pouring every cent pulled from the couch cushions into saving bonds..."
"Do you have any idea how expensive tuition will be in fifteen years? We'll be lucky if we can send him to community college on what you manage to save. Do you want to be the one who says 'Sorry, son, can't send you to college, Dad and I just couldn't live without our morningespressos!'"
"Alright, simmer down. You worry about your stuff, I'll worry about mine. I already told you that you should bank the child support checks."
"I don't want to bank the child support checks! Those are for his upkeep, and they're damned well going to up-keep him! You can live without...wait a minute. What did he just say?"
"I didn't hear anything."
"I did. I think he said that the Raisinets want to come out."
"No, they don't. They do not want to come out. Tell them to stay put. Pull over, Jimmy."
"Pull over where? There's nowhere to pull over."
"You can pull over now, or you can take over potty duty."
"Pulling over."
"Hey, good news!"
"The Raisinets made it out intact?"
"That, and our son has very healthy stool. No mucus, no blood, good shape, color's fine..."
"Are you analyzing his poop? Are you that bored?"
"I was concerned! You want me to be concerned. And don't act like you don't check either."
"Of course I do, but I don't announce it to the world! You're supposed to internalize it, brood over it later!"
"Hey, don't get pissed at me, I'm just trying to keep you appraised of the boy's health!"
"Well, at least he's healthy. And very smug, too."
"Anally-fixated. Wonder where he could have got that from?"
"Don't talk to me. Genetically, I'm in the clear."
"Want me to drive?"
"Huh? Where did that come from?"
"Your joints hurt. And you're whining about genetics. Thought you might need a break."
"Stop being nice to me. You're planning something, and I'm going to tell your mother."
"Tattle-tale. If you must know, I don't think I can take another second of animated cuteness."
"You're driving on the way home. Suck it up."
"So that's how you want to play it? Fine, we'll play it your way."
......................................
Hour 10-More
"More! More! More!"
"Please stop encouraging him, I'm begging you. I can't take it."
"Oh no, you wanted me back here, I'm back here. The suffering must be shared."
"I'm sorry. Do you hear me, I'm sorry! You can drive if you want, just call him off."
"I'm afraid I can't do that, Mr. Wilson. You've brought this on yourself."
"Keep on, and see how badly I make you regret the trip back home."
"Empty threats. You'll be so exhausted, all you'll want is for him to be quiet and entertained, too."
"Which will be my reasoning behind asking your parents to come back with us. They can spend some time with us in Jersey, take a plane home when they get tired of being around their darling grandson."
"That's not funny."
"Who's joking? The close quarters have made me realize just how much I love my family, and I want to pack as many of us as I can into an enclosed space!"
"You're scaring the child."
"I'm scaring you. Oh, I know! You and your father can have the backseat, all the better for you two to talk about your feelings! For ten hours!"
"No more, Jimmy, no more. This is just cruel."
"This is playing the game, your way. Can't take it?"
"Do you want me to cry? I can cry, if it'll stop this crazy talk."
"No sir, this is a great idea! Best idea I ever had."
"Second only to the monumental insanity that was putting us in this vehicle to begin with!"
"Keep talking, and I'll see what Blythe thinks about moving! Hey, isn't the house next door for sale?"
"You win."
"What? What was that? I'm a bit deaf in this ear."
"You win, you win! That's enough, kid, Mom's obviously at the end of his rope."
"Don't call me that!"
"It's your name!"
"It is not! Hey, wait a minute..."
"Was that the exit?"
"Uh."
"Was that the exit?"
"I think...oh, crap."
"This trip is never going to end, is it?"
......................................
Hour 11-Mob
"Wonderful. We've managed to get lost during rush hour."
"We're not lost. I know exactly where we are."
"You have no idea."
"You're the genius, you don't know where we are either!"
"I would know, except for the ringing in my ears brought on by insulin overdose."
"The cartoons are not that bad, and they're supposed to promote language skills."
"Language promotes language skills."
"Fine, then teach him some language, so I can figure out where the hell we are in peace."
"Yes dear, whatever you say, dear."
"Whatever you're teaching him back there? Sounds vulgar."
"It's not. Very. Besides, who will know?"
"I'll know. Quit teaching him that, or I'm stopping the car. You can walk to your parents'."
"The only thing standing between you and this angry mob is me and my wood."
"Yeah, leave the cane. We may need it to make a fire."
......................................
Hour 12-City
"How the hell did you manage to get us into the city?"
"It was all part of my master plan."
"Sure, that's what it was. You got us lost, and now we're two hours behind."
"Fine, my secondary plan. While you were rabble-rousing, I was calling for help."
"I thought you were calling my mother."
"Exactly. She's on her way to meet us at a hotel of our choice. With supplies."
"A hotel?"
"One of those. And she's agreed to drive the young master back home with her, leaving us the evening to ourselves."
"In a hotel."
"That's what I said. We can rest, relax, enjoy ourselves, and drive out to their place in the morning."
"I don't know who I love more, her or you."
"We're both lovable, but I'm the one you're going to be alone with tonight."
"You really are a beautiful man."
"Oh, shut up."
......................................
Pairing: House/Wilson (established)
Rating: G
Warning: More kid!fic, still without the kid. All dialogue, all the time.
Summary: Twelve hours. In a car. With House and a four-year old. Whose idea was this?
A/N: Playing with the random word generator. Again. This story resides in the same universe as the fic Brilliant. Don't think you can have a road trip with a kid and still have a fic without said kid?
Hour 1-Deliver
"...and deliver us from evil..."
"This was your idea, I'll remind you. You can't complain if it's your idea, that's the rule."
"That you just made up. I can complain if you're being all bitchy. Vacations are supposed to be fun, buzzkill."
"I wouldn't be bitchy if you would actually help me."
"Help you do what? I can't drive for you. The kid's still asleep, and you've already told me to shut up four times."
"Did you actually pack any bags? No. Did you help get him ready? No. Did you lift a finger to bring a single thing to this vehicle that wasn't your cane or your ass? No."
"I brought a magazine, and a hefty supply of sarcasm. Although I think you've got plenty of your own."
"Remind me why I agreed to this? And also why we're driving instead of flying like normal, sane people."
"Because you love my parents, for some strange reason. As to that last, I can't say, but I think normal and sane are a bit of a stretch for either one of us."
"True. Very true."
......................................
Hour 2-Default
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
"Shut up, House. Don't give him any ideas."
"Oh, he's got plenty of his own ideas, don't worry. One of them involves McDonald's hashbrowns. It is a very good idea."
"There are sandwiches already made, and I told you that I wasn't stopping until lunch."
"We don't want sandwiches. We want hashbrowns."
"You want coffee. There's a Thermos right by your leg."
"That's too far away. It also involves me opening and pouring and most likely spilling coffee on this lovely, rented upholstery. And you're just asking for trouble with peanut butter and jelly."
"Absolutely not."
"But, Mom!! Hashbrowns, hashbrowns, hashbrowns, hashbrowns, hashbrowns..."
"I know your default setting is 'Annoy', but you're gonna regret teaching him that."
"Not as much as you will. Hashbrowns, hashbrowns, hashbrowns, hashbrowns..."
"We're not stopping."
"Hashbrowns, hashbrowns, hashbrowns..."
"It's not happening."
"Hashbrowns, hashbrowns..."
"Get it off your mind."
"Hashbrowns..."
"Okay, fine, fine, we'll stop. As soon as we find a McDonald's, we'll stop. Call off your clone, please."
"Absolutely, will do! Alright, kiddo, find your old man some golden arches, and stop annoying your mother."
......................................
Hour 3-Waded
"What is wrong with him?"
"How should I know? You're the one who insisted he eat his sausage biscuit. His belly's probably packed."
"It is not. He got your hollow leg."
"Leg jokes while your son is crying. You're a harsh bastard, Jimmy."
"Dammit, House, where's Mr. Bo-bo?"
"I have no idea, but give me a second, and I'll see what I can do."
"Shut up, would you. That's what he's calling the stuffed dog now."
"I thought it was Blueberry Pookachoo."
"It was. It's Mr. Bo-bo now."
"Well, I've got some bad news. Mr. Bo-bo's gone AWOL."
"That traitor. Great, now we have to turn around, and add another thirty minutes to this descent into Hell."
"You say that like you don't love us."
"I don't love YOU."
"I don't see the big deal. He'll forget about it in a few minutes."
"Do you honestly believe the words that just came out of your mouth? He's your son, after all."
"He's my son when he's wailing, is that how it goes?"
"He's your son when he acts exactly like you. Entertain him or something, please, so I can turn this damned vehicle around."
"Hey back there! Listen up, I've got a story for you. Did I every tell you about the time I waded through..."
"Don't tell him that story, are you insane?"
"It's a good story! You told me to entertain him."
"Not with that story. Try again."
"How about you drive, and leave the storytelling to me. Jesus, at least we don't have to worry about his lungs..."
......................................
Hour 4-Partial
"Stop squirming."
"I'm not. I'm shifting positions."
"I told you that you'd be uncomfortable. No, you said. It'll be fine, you said."
"It is fine. My ass is numb, is all. Is that okay with you? Am I allowed to move now, Mom?"
"Don't call me that. And, by the way, stop telling him to call me that."
"It's your name, isn't it?"
"He can call me whatever he wants, as long as it isn't Mom, or any of its variations."
"Which is why you'll always be called that. C'mon, how long have you known us?"
"Him, all of his life. You, far too long."
"Cruel. Very cruel. Your mother doesn't love us, son."
"Don't tell him that! Of course I love you. It's why I put up with your father."
"What was that last, dear? Speak up!"
"Read your magazine, and close your mouth."
"You're so abusive. I'm suing for partial custody."
"Too far."
"Sorry."
"You wouldn't have to sue very hard. Parental rights and all."
"I said I was sorry. Don't dwell."
"I'm not dwelling. I'm stating fact."
"I think I'm going to go sit in the back seat."
"Don't run from the conversation."
"I'm not. I just want to stretch my leg out. Besides, there's a DVD back there, and conversation that doesn't involve potential land mines."
"You're running."
"Not so much, anymore."
......................................
Hour 5-Things
"What the hell are these things?"
"Fruit juice gummies. They're all-natural, 100% something or another. Good for him."
"I can read. They taste like recycled, wax-covered crap."
"Of course they do. You're not supposed to eat them, they're for kids."
"Believe me, kids know crap when they taste it, too."
"Not if they're not exposed to good stuff, they don't."
"You only live once, Jimmy my boy."
"Why is it so quiet back there? Dammit, House, what are you feeding him?"
"Nothing bad. You approve of fruit, don't you?"
"Raisinets are not fruit!"
"Raisins aren't fruit? And you call yourself a doctor."
"It doesn't count if they're drowned in chocolate!"
"Oh come on, they're not gonna hurt him."
"Alright, have it your way, but you've got potty duty."
"Now that's taking it a bit far. It's just some raisins."
"And chocolate. And a fun time you two will be having, too."
"Not as fun as the time he ate the crayons, I hope?"
"That you fed him!"
"I most certainly did not! You have no proof."
"Deny it all you want. You're just lucky he didn't die."
"Oh, you can't die from eating crayons."
"They're full of asbestos, or something."
"The 'or something' is talc fibers, moron, and they wouldn't have hurt him anyway. Not that I fed the child crayons. Because I didn't."
"You certainly enjoyed the show, though."
"He's the idiot who ate the crayons, yell at him. Just because I thought it was hilarious, doesn't mean I gave them to him."
"Bowel obstruction, abdominal tearing..."
"Quit muttering and drive. That was like, what, a year ago? Let it go, Mother Hen."
......................................
Hour 6-Accepted
"Have you accepted Jesus as your personal Saviour?"
"Not today. Why do you ask?"
"Fella in the bathroom tried to witness to me and the rugrat. Look, it's baby's first tract!"
"Did you explain to him that your Jew husband would most likely disapprove? Give me that, it's probably covered in germs."
"That's just the hypocrisy. And no, I didn't. Having a child has mellowed me."
"Oh, god, what did you do?"
"Why do you assume I did something? I had my son with me, and don't much feel like getting beat with sticks and dragged behind a truck today."
"Don't joke about that, for god's sake. You're such an asshole."
"I said I didn't want to."
"Yeah, well, try being sensitive for once in your life. And don't talk about crap like that in front of him."
"Why? Because other people won't? Because he'll always be sheltered from hard truths, and never hear anyone call his parents ugly names? Please. Better he hear them from us, and be prepared."
"He's four. He doesn't need to be prepared while eating his goddamned chicken nuggets."
"But it's okay to curse in front of him? And argue? We just can't say anything about being gay, or the fact that hate crimes are a distinct possibility in his life? Is there a list? Maybe you should draw one up for me."
"Shut up or you'll be eating this tract."
"Gay on gay crime, it's not as well-documented..."
"Eat your sandwich, will you please? Before whatever it is you did turns around to bite us in the ass, and I spend our vacation trying to bail you out of jail."
"You just can't accept the fact that I'm right."
"I can accept it, I don't have a choice but to accept it. Does that make you happy?"
"Not really."
"Well, me neither. The only person who gets to be happy in this family is that little boy, and he's going to be happy, even if I have to rip your throat out to keep you from talking. Now shut up and eat."
"Knew there was a reason I made you his mommy."
"No one else would take the job."
......................................
Hour 7-Compatibility
"According to Cosmo, you and I have zero compatibility."
"That's because you lie. Take it again, see what happens."
"You just want me to stop bothering you."
"Which you never do, so what good does it do me to want it?"
"That's a very pessimistic view. No wonder we're incompatible."
"Fine, test yourself with someone else. If you can find someone more compatible, I'll step away, leave you to them."
"You would not. You start growling if someone looks in my general direction. I thought you were gonna decapitate the gas-station chick when she asked me if I wanted paper or plastic."
"That's not what she asked you. She asked if you were married, and if the little cutie-pie was yours."
"See? You were halfway across the store, with your back turned, comparing nutritional allowances, and you still heard every word she said."
"I was just making sure nothing inappropriate was being said around the baby."
"And was there? No. I'm all yours."
"Lucky, lucky me."
"Yes, lucky you. And lucky me, too. Thanks for pretending you didn't hear the first part."
"The part where she called you his 'Grandpa'? Don't mention it."
"No, seriously, don't mention it."
"Who's mentioning? Now, take the damned quiz again. And don't lie this time."
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Hour 8-Resembling
"Is it just me, or is it starting to resemble a war zone in here?"
"Just you. You look like death warmed over."
"Wow, don't I feel pretty now."
"You're a very beautiful man. Isn't Mama a very beautiful man?"
"Don't call me that. And stop teaching him sarcasm."
"Who's being sarcastic?"
"Okay, I must look really bad, if you're being pseudo-nice to me."
"Why can't I say nice things to you?"
"You can't say nice things when you've just said shitty things. It's canceled out before you even say it."
"That doesn't make any sense at all. Admit it, you're a masochist, you'd rather have the abuse."
"Obviously. Why else would I subject myself to you willingly?"
"Now you're teaching him sarcasm. Cover your ears, my son."
"Who's being sarcastic?"
"You know that compatibility thing?"
"Yeah?"
"We aced it."
"I figured. Give it another twenty or so years, we'll start looking alike."
"Like your parents?"
"That's just mean. Take that back."
"Why? You look like your parents, and, as I've recently stated, you are a very beautiful man."
"You're not so hard on the eyes, yourself."
"I'm blushing."
"You are not. Now, pick up those wrappers before I beat you to death with your own cane."
"Mmm, violence. Sexy."
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Hour 9-Joints
"My joints feel like they're on fire."
"Which is why I told you to bring the other, nicer, joints."
"I'm not stealing medical marijuana for a family trip. No matter how much I will be tempted in the future."
"It hasn't been that bad."
"You've been asleep! How the hell you can sleep with all that noise in your ear is beyond me."
"I have superior ignoring capabilities, all of my teachers said so."
"Who was it that said 'He'll probably sleep the entire time'? Which idiot actually had the nerve to say that?"
"I think it was you. If he's anything like I was as a kid, and I know he is, he'll stay awake just long enough to kiss Grandma and Grandpa, and then pass out once his feet cross the threshold."
"That is not helping us right now."
"No, it really isn't. Good test of lung function, though."
"I worry about a lot of things, but his lung function is not one of them."
"You should. Imagine all those sick people you want me to treat, and all the infectious diseases that riot unchecked in our workplace."
"Shut up. I don't have enough to worry about with preschool, now I have to worry about that? You're the infectious disease guy, that's your area of worry. I've got everything else."
"I worry about other things!"
"When, exactly?"
"All the time!"
"You do not. Unless snoring is a sign of anxiety."
"Just because I don't stay awake at night, doing calculations on fixed interest rates and pouring every cent pulled from the couch cushions into saving bonds..."
"Do you have any idea how expensive tuition will be in fifteen years? We'll be lucky if we can send him to community college on what you manage to save. Do you want to be the one who says 'Sorry, son, can't send you to college, Dad and I just couldn't live without our morningespressos!'"
"Alright, simmer down. You worry about your stuff, I'll worry about mine. I already told you that you should bank the child support checks."
"I don't want to bank the child support checks! Those are for his upkeep, and they're damned well going to up-keep him! You can live without...wait a minute. What did he just say?"
"I didn't hear anything."
"I did. I think he said that the Raisinets want to come out."
"No, they don't. They do not want to come out. Tell them to stay put. Pull over, Jimmy."
"Pull over where? There's nowhere to pull over."
"You can pull over now, or you can take over potty duty."
"Pulling over."
"Hey, good news!"
"The Raisinets made it out intact?"
"That, and our son has very healthy stool. No mucus, no blood, good shape, color's fine..."
"Are you analyzing his poop? Are you that bored?"
"I was concerned! You want me to be concerned. And don't act like you don't check either."
"Of course I do, but I don't announce it to the world! You're supposed to internalize it, brood over it later!"
"Hey, don't get pissed at me, I'm just trying to keep you appraised of the boy's health!"
"Well, at least he's healthy. And very smug, too."
"Anally-fixated. Wonder where he could have got that from?"
"Don't talk to me. Genetically, I'm in the clear."
"Want me to drive?"
"Huh? Where did that come from?"
"Your joints hurt. And you're whining about genetics. Thought you might need a break."
"Stop being nice to me. You're planning something, and I'm going to tell your mother."
"Tattle-tale. If you must know, I don't think I can take another second of animated cuteness."
"You're driving on the way home. Suck it up."
"So that's how you want to play it? Fine, we'll play it your way."
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Hour 10-More
"More! More! More!"
"Please stop encouraging him, I'm begging you. I can't take it."
"Oh no, you wanted me back here, I'm back here. The suffering must be shared."
"I'm sorry. Do you hear me, I'm sorry! You can drive if you want, just call him off."
"I'm afraid I can't do that, Mr. Wilson. You've brought this on yourself."
"Keep on, and see how badly I make you regret the trip back home."
"Empty threats. You'll be so exhausted, all you'll want is for him to be quiet and entertained, too."
"Which will be my reasoning behind asking your parents to come back with us. They can spend some time with us in Jersey, take a plane home when they get tired of being around their darling grandson."
"That's not funny."
"Who's joking? The close quarters have made me realize just how much I love my family, and I want to pack as many of us as I can into an enclosed space!"
"You're scaring the child."
"I'm scaring you. Oh, I know! You and your father can have the backseat, all the better for you two to talk about your feelings! For ten hours!"
"No more, Jimmy, no more. This is just cruel."
"This is playing the game, your way. Can't take it?"
"Do you want me to cry? I can cry, if it'll stop this crazy talk."
"No sir, this is a great idea! Best idea I ever had."
"Second only to the monumental insanity that was putting us in this vehicle to begin with!"
"Keep talking, and I'll see what Blythe thinks about moving! Hey, isn't the house next door for sale?"
"You win."
"What? What was that? I'm a bit deaf in this ear."
"You win, you win! That's enough, kid, Mom's obviously at the end of his rope."
"Don't call me that!"
"It's your name!"
"It is not! Hey, wait a minute..."
"Was that the exit?"
"Uh."
"Was that the exit?"
"I think...oh, crap."
"This trip is never going to end, is it?"
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Hour 11-Mob
"Wonderful. We've managed to get lost during rush hour."
"We're not lost. I know exactly where we are."
"You have no idea."
"You're the genius, you don't know where we are either!"
"I would know, except for the ringing in my ears brought on by insulin overdose."
"The cartoons are not that bad, and they're supposed to promote language skills."
"Language promotes language skills."
"Fine, then teach him some language, so I can figure out where the hell we are in peace."
"Yes dear, whatever you say, dear."
"Whatever you're teaching him back there? Sounds vulgar."
"It's not. Very. Besides, who will know?"
"I'll know. Quit teaching him that, or I'm stopping the car. You can walk to your parents'."
"The only thing standing between you and this angry mob is me and my wood."
"Yeah, leave the cane. We may need it to make a fire."
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Hour 12-City
"How the hell did you manage to get us into the city?"
"It was all part of my master plan."
"Sure, that's what it was. You got us lost, and now we're two hours behind."
"Fine, my secondary plan. While you were rabble-rousing, I was calling for help."
"I thought you were calling my mother."
"Exactly. She's on her way to meet us at a hotel of our choice. With supplies."
"A hotel?"
"One of those. And she's agreed to drive the young master back home with her, leaving us the evening to ourselves."
"In a hotel."
"That's what I said. We can rest, relax, enjoy ourselves, and drive out to their place in the morning."
"I don't know who I love more, her or you."
"We're both lovable, but I'm the one you're going to be alone with tonight."
"You really are a beautiful man."
"Oh, shut up."
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