Fic: All the Beautiful Things
Title: All the Beautiful Things
Series: ST XI
Rating: R
Word Count: 3585
Warning: Even though it's more about Spock's fetish, this is technically mpreg.
Disclaimer: They're not mine, unfortunately.
Notes: Written for a prompt @ st_xi_kink_meme. Originally posted here.
Summary: Spock has a fetish for pregnant women which he keeps a deeply-hidden and shameful secret. When they discover Jim is pregnant, Spock realizes that his fetish extends to pregnant men, especially his pregnant bondmate. Spock, however, is determined to keep his interest a secret from Jim.
Spock didn't know exactly when the interest started.
As a child on Vulcan, he'd rarely seen pregnant women. While with child, most Vulcan women remained in self-imposed seclusion. The change in hormones often lead to changes in emotion and behavior, and they usually spent long hours in rest and meditation. Those who did venture out were always heavily robed, their large stomachs hidden by layers upon layers of fabric.
Perhaps such customs were at the root of his interest. The pregnant form had always been hidden and mysterious, and, as a result, it became something to fetishize.
Spock had never fully explored his interest. He had never had the means or opportunity to do so. He was an only child, he was unmarried, and any extended family members of child bearing age were either living on Earth, or tended to follow the customs of Vulcan and locked themselves away in meditation during the long months of pregnancy.
Books and scientific journals came to be Spock's only source of information on the pregnant form. His interest in science proved helpful as it masked his interest in pregnancy. He could carry books with him, have stacks in his bedroom, and read them in public without attracting much attention. He'd spend hours researching, pouring over documents, always pausing when he encountered photos or illustrations. He would stare for a long while, before he would finally allow his fingers to move over the page ever so gently, tracing the curve of the rounded bellies. He occasionally indulged in this behavior in the privacy of a research cubicle, but the majority of time he would resist until he was alone in his own bedroom.
As a teenager, Spock began to make a connection between sexual desire and his interest in the pregnant form - the stirring in his groin when he locked himself away with his books, running his fingers over the photographs. But fear of judgment from his parents, and Vulcan society in general, forced him to keep his desire hidden, lest it be seen as some sort of character flaw. As he entered adulthood, and joined Starfleet Academy, Spock continued to hide his interest. He repressed it so deeply within himself it never raised suspicion amongst family or acquaintances, despite the entire shelf of books on human and Vulcan reproduction which followed him to his apartment at the Academy, and then into his quarters on the Enterprise.
His unexpected relationship with James T. Kirk, his captain and friend, brought the interest to a grinding halt. Jim Kirk's energy and enthusiasm, both in duty and in private, distracted Spock from his fetish. As Spock began to realize the relationship would be lifelong, he allowed himself to slip further from his interest in the pregnant form. He realized that bonding with a human male would end any chance to experience a pregnant mate, and Spock was willing to sacrifice his deepest sexual desire if it meant he could have Jim for life.
*
Naturally then, the news that Jim Kirk was carrying a child, Spock's child, had rendered the Vulcan speechless.
Spock wasn't sure how long it had been since Jim had uttered the words Spock had never imagined he would hear from Jim's mouth, 'I'm pregnant.' The usually calm Vulcan had become uncharacteristically flustered. His eyes grew wide, his jaw dropped, and he simply stared at Jim, seemingly unable to put two words together to form a reply.
“You're upset..” Jim said, as he eyed Spock carefully.
A stream of thoughts and emotions buzzed across the bond from Spock to Jim. Surprise, confusion, fear, and finally a wave of guilt. Spock had hidden the fetish within his mind, locking it behind forgotten doors, but the feelings related to it suddenly came flooding over him like a tidal wave.
“Spock, I didn't do it on purpose,” Jim continued. “If it's not something you want, there are other options.”
Jim's expression grew increasingly pained as he waited for Spock's reply. He reached for Spock's wrists, pulling their bodies closer together, attempting to draw Spock out of whatever daze he was in.
“..Spock?”
Finally Spock shook his head, snapping himself out of his state of shock. He tilted his head as he examined Jim with bright eyes and a slight smile. “A pregnancy?”
Jim grinned hesitantly. “Yeah.. We're going to be dads.”
Spock's gaze moved down to Jim's torso. Cautiously, he lifted Jim's shirt and ghosted his fingers over the flat skin of Jim's stomach. It showed no signs of the roundness which was sure to come.
“You're okay with this?” Jim asked quietly, watching Spock.
Spock simply nodded, his eyes still on Jim's stomach. “I am more than okay with this, Jim. I believe the human term would be 'thrilled'.
Jim laughed and leaned in to kiss his bondmate.
*
The first eight weeks were relatively uneventful, and, despite his excitement over the pregnancy, Spock made the decision to keep his true feelings hidden from Jim. He felt there was no need to reveal his seemingly strange desires during such a sweet and happy time between them.
So it was, the first eight weeks swung from one extreme to the next - disbelief and happiness, and knowing looks between Jim and Spock; to extreme morning sickness, and Jim apologizing for whatever horrible karma had put him in such a position, and wishing out loud that he could take it all back.
Spock always responded to Jim's ill ranting by declaring that the concept of karma was illogical, and surely even if it wasn't, it was unlikely a negative act would have resulted in such a positive predicament. Jim always responded with a weak laugh, assuring Spock that he never meant a word he said while his head was over a garbage can.
*
During the 12th week, Spock caught Jim standing before a full-length mirror, clad only in his underwear, attempting to twist himself around enough to examine his backside.
“Spock..” he whined, torso twisted and eyes straining to catch the right angle. “Look at this.”
Spock walked over to Jim, grasping his hips and peering over his shoulder into the mirror.
“What do you wish me to see?”
“My ass.” Jim muttered, still attempting to crank himself around. “It's getting huge.”
Spock bit his lip, and grinned inwardly. “Jim, your.. ass has always been slightly larger than average.”
Jim turned from the mirror to look incredulously at Spock. “You're calling me a fat ass!?”
He pushed playfully at Spock's shoulders, feigning anger. Spock pulled Jim close to him again, allowing his hands to slide down to grasp Jim's ass cheeks. He gave them a slight squeeze, pulling Jim even closer.
“No, I am merely saying I have always found your shape and size quite pleasing.”
“Well, you might change your mind soon. I had to order new uniform pants today. I can barely button mine anymore.”
As Jim spoke, he pushed his stomach against Spock's. It felt slightly larger than normal, bloated, as if Jim had recently eaten a large meal. Taken by surprise, Spock let out a gasp.
“See?” Jim said, frowning as he looked down between them. “I'm getting fat..”
Spock's eyes followed Jim's gaze down to his stomach. It was beginning to jut out, and Spock was unsure how he'd missed it before.
“Jim.. I-” He paused for a moment, contemplating his next sentence. “I do not mind.”
It was simple, and not at all what he wanted to say. He wanted to tell Jim how he really felt and what he really wanted. He touched Jim's chin, tilting it up, forcing Jim to meet his gaze.
“I do not mind,” he said again, sending waves of affection across their bond.
Jim smiled brightly, and Spock fought to suppress the guilt that suddenly threatened to wash over him.
*
Jim's stomach seemed to expand at an almost alarming rate, frustrating him, while secretly pleasing Spock to no end.
Spock had managed to effectively repress his true interest in Jim's state by willing his brain to focus entirely on the scientific aspects of the situation.
Spock's eyes were always on Jim, distracted and enthralled by the changes his body was experiencing. He attempted to gauge the specific measurements of Jim's stomach and track how it continued to change over the course of several weeks. He'd started a logbook on his PADD, tracking changes and growth estimations. He even asked Jim if he could keep precise measurements of his stomach, and document his findings with photographs.
Jim had laughed at the request, but adamantly refused. “You're not turning me into a science experiment!”
Jim's disapproval was a small cog in Spock's plan for scientific exploration, and he couldn't help the brief feeling of embarrassment which flared across their bond. He recovered quickly, however, and continued documenting the visible changes, and touching only for the purpose of estimating measurements.
Otherwise his hands remained as far away from Jim's stomach as possible.
*
During the 5th month, Jim's stomach finally popped, taking on the typical rounded shape of a pregnant belly. Jim was carrying high, and from certain angles he appeared to be carrying a perfect sphere beneath the taut skin of his stomach.
Immediately after the pop, Spock stopped touching Jim's stomach altogether. He still eyed Jim, watching him when he believed Jim wasn't paying attention, but his hands ceased contact with the ever-expanding belly.
Jim hadn't really put much thought into Spock's strange habits in regards to his stomach, he had simply accepted them as Spock-isms. The sudden lack of contact, however, had started to make him worry, and as weeks went by that worry quickly turned to anger.
*
During sex Spock had begun setting the lights to five percent, and placing his hands on Jim's thighs or chest or shoulders, always bypassing his stomach completely. He had effectively blocked his interest in the pregnant form, and specifically his intense desire for Jim in his current state.
Despite his diligence, Spock's guards occasionally slipped, most often during sex when his mind was distracted, preoccupied with pleasing Jim while keeping his hands a safe distance from that growing belly.
It was during such moments that Jim was able to sense the emotions Spock continued to fight so hard to repress. Desire mixed with guilt and disgust. Desire for Jim, and the situation, and all of the mystery it held. Guilt for the inability to completely deny such desire, and disgust at himself for his continued failure.
Jim wasn't privy to the specifics, he was only able to sense the base emotions - the desire, the guilt, and the disgust. He knew Spock desired him, Spock had never succeeded in keeping that a secret from Jim. But the guilt and disgust were new, and Jim assumed they were the result of his current physical state and his expanding waistline.
*
Finally one evening Jim snapped, shoving Spock away from him in the darkness.
Spock had been unintentionally sending flashes of emotion and thought across to Jim. Desire at first, followed quickly by words; 'Do not. Wrong. Avoid. Stop.' The sense of guilt was fleeting, replaced quickly by a horrible sense of disgust.
“Jesus, Spock, I'm so fucking sorry I disgust you.”
Spock was silent for a moment, surprised at being pushed from Jim, and even more surprised at his anger.
“Jim, I--”
Jim was standing now, and Spock could make out his silhouette at the foot of the bed.
“Yeah, I get it Spock. I disgust you. Don't even try to deny it, I can feel it.”
“You do not understand.”
“No, I understand perfectly. You said you didn't mind. What a load of shit that was. It was easier to say when my stomach was still mostly flat, right?”
Spock didn't reply as he raised himself to a seated position on the bed, and then moved to the foot of the bed, reaching for Jim.
“I.. Jim, you do not understand. I did not mind then, and I still do not mind now.”
He was trying, trying so hard to make Jim understand without having to admit his awful secret. The one that would cause Jim to see him as he really was, strange and perverted, hiding an awful desire that no Vulcan should possess. Jim couldn't find out, he couldn't know, it would only make him leave.
The guilt and disgust were now mixed with fear as they buzzed across the bond towards Jim. The sense of fear caused Jim to pause in his anger for a moment, and he stepped towards Spock's outstretched hand. As Jim got closer, Spock changed the level of his hand, out of habit, so the point of contact was Jim's thigh instead of his stomach.
Jim stepped back again, seething in anger. “See you won't even touch me! You'll touch everywhere but my damn stomach. Don't tell me I don't disgust you when it's so obvious I do! You won't even fuck me with the lights on!”
Speechless, Spock shook his head in the darkness. His hand was still outstretched, reaching for his bondmate.
“Jim.. please. Please.. you do not understand.”
Jim waited for a moment, watching Spock and attempting to comprehend the incessant mix of emotions that emanated from him.
Jim called to the computer, setting lights at twenty percent. The room was suddenly bathed in soft light, and he could see the look of fear on Spock's face.
Finally Jim took a step forward. He grasped Spock's hand and placed it against his bare stomach.
Spock let out a pained sigh, and Jim felt a brief flash of desire and then a wave of guilt.
He kept Spock's hand there, held in place by a press of his own palm, and reached for Spock's other hand. Spock reluctantly raised his hand, and allowed Jim to place it on the other side of his rounded stomach.
Jim felt nothing for a moment, as Spock attempted to center himself. He was attempting to clear his mind and ignore what was currently happening, but Jim was having none of it.
“What's going on with you?” Jim asked, his hands still holding Spock's in place. “I thought you were just disgusted by me but it's something else, isn't it?”
Spock didn't reply, couldn't reply. His eyes were closed and he was trying his best to enter a shallow meditative state.
“Spock!”
The shout caused him to jump slightly, breaking his concentration. His attention immediately centered on his hands, which were flat against Jim's stomach. A soft moan escaped as he allowed himself to stroked the smooth rounded skin there for a moment. Jim's hands were now hovering over his, waiting, expectant. As Spock felt that familiar stirring in his groin, the guilt hit and he yanked his hands back as if he'd been burned.
Jim's reflexes were quicker, and he grabbed Spock's hands before they could escape. He brought them back towards his stomach, pressing them to him.
Spock was visibly distraught as he attempted to wrench his hands from Jim's grasp.
“No, Jim. Please..don't..”
The connection between them buzzed with overwhelming guilt, desire, disgust, and finally shame, intense shame.
Jim stared at his bondmate, attempting to understand the barrage of emotion Spock seemed unable to control or repress.
“Spock..” He whispered as he kept a grasp on the Vulcan's hands. “Explain.”
A shudder ran through Spock. He knew what Jim was asking, but he couldn't bring himself to say the words out loud. He shook his head, turning away from Jim's gaze.
“Please, tell me.”
“I cannot.”
Jim stood for a moment longer before finally letting go. The momentum pushed Spock back slightly, and he attempted to right himself while simultaneously crossing his arms, keeping his hands locked against his body. He sat rigid, arms flat across his chest, and hands tucked beneath them. He couldn't bring himself to look at Jim, but also couldn't bring himself to fight as Jim clasped his chin and turned Spock to meet his gaze.
“Spock, at least tell me, is it something I've done? I can't fix it if you won't tell me what I've done.”
Sadness washed over Spock then. The idea that Jim, his Jim, was looking to blame himself for something he didn't understand and had no control over, made Spock want to weep.
“No, Jim, please, you must understand. You have done nothing wrong. It is a flaw within me, and I only ask that you allow me some time to regain control over myself.”
Jim laughed awkwardly, seemingly unsure whether to be confused or angry. “A flaw? What kind of flaw?”
“I do not wish to explain. I believe it would be a detriment to our relationship, and it would cause you to drastically alter your opinion of me.”
“Did you hurt someone?”
Spock stuttered, unsure where the line of questioning was going and not wishing to face further scrutiny. “N-no.”
“Did you cheat on me?”
“Absolutely not.”
“So you haven't hurt anyone, and you aren't fooling around.. Do you want to break our bond?”
“Jim, no. I would never want that.”
“Do you regret that we're going to have a kid together?”
“No. I could not possibly regret that. But Jim, please, I do not wish to be questioned further.”
Jim bit down a flash of anger, frustrated with Spock's stubbornness but still wanting to understand.
“No, Spock, listen. I'm asking because I don't know what you could've possibly done to make me not want you. If something is bothering you I want to know what it is so I can try to fix it.”
He reached for Spock again, prying his hands from his body and holding them at arm's length. Spock sat in silence for a long while, looking at Jim almost shyly. Jim squeezed his hands every few minutes, and Spock willed himself to give a soft squeeze in reply.
Finally he spoke, considering his words carefully. “It is not.. It is not something I believe to be reparable. It is something I must simply overcome and control. Anything less would result in damage to our bond and your opinion of me as your bondmate.”
Jim let out a frustrated sigh. “Spock, I'm telling you, there's nothing you could do, or think, or say that would make me not love you. It might make me confused or angry at first, but I would still love you.”
Spock was silent as he felt Jim clumsily pushing as much love and affection as he could muster across their bond. He could hear Jim's voice in his head, 'I love you Spock. You know this. Always.'
“Please..” Jim said aloud. “Tell me.”
*
Spock stopped fighting it then.
All the years of repression and embarrassment and horrible shame, they suddenly didn't matter. All that mattered was this man, this amazing human, who was able to get Spock to reveal his innermost secrets. The desire he'd kept hidden from everyone, even himself for a time, was suddenly out in the open.
The obsession, the mystery behind it, it had always been so taboo - a dark secret that he was raised to turn a blind eye to. The words tumbled from his lips. Want, need, mystique, desire. And the other words too. Secret, guilt, shame, disgust.
Jim listened, amazed, understanding, and mildly amused. So it was a fetish, a sexual fetish for the pregnant form. Jim certainly wasn't a foreigner to fetishes, and, as sexual fetishes went, Spock's was really quite tame. Jim would almost call it sweet.
So he took Spock then, and pulled him back onto the bed. The Vulcan was tired and pliant, as if a giant weight had just been lifted from him, and in a way it had been. He encouraged Spock to touch and explore, to feel the roundness of his stomach, and enjoy whatever feeling it brought to him.
Spock moved slowly and hesitantly at first, still somewhat influenced by the barriers and restrictions he'd faced for years. But he soon moved his hands freely over Jim's body - enjoying the new curves and dips, the warmth of Jim's belly against him, and the fascinating realization that they had created the being that was growing inside.
Jim was quiet as he let Spock explore, content to watch and send waves of love and acceptance from his mind to Spock's. He complied willingly when the returning emotions were drenched in desire and want, and he pulled Spock against his back, lying with him on the bed, waiting for Spock to prepare him and enter him, slowly, carefully.
When Spock was finally inside him and they were moving together, Jim reached for Spock's hand, pulling it around his waist and onto his stomach.
'Touch.' Jim instructed, his voice inside Spock's mind. 'It's okay.'
Spock held Jim against him, moving in tandem and stroking the round stomach. It was the moment he'd always wanted, and never dared to hope for. The mystique, the secret, now so open to him, laid bare for him to see and explore and love. All of it made possible by this man, Jim, who was always so open, accepting, and willing to give and give and give love. So much love.
Spock's mouth was pressed to Jim's ear, panting words between each breath.
“Vaksurik..” He whispered in Jim's ear as they reached their climax together.
“Beautiful, Jim. It's beautiful.”
Series: ST XI
Rating: R
Word Count: 3585
Warning: Even though it's more about Spock's fetish, this is technically mpreg.
Disclaimer: They're not mine, unfortunately.
Notes: Written for a prompt @ st_xi_kink_meme. Originally posted here.
Summary: Spock has a fetish for pregnant women which he keeps a deeply-hidden and shameful secret. When they discover Jim is pregnant, Spock realizes that his fetish extends to pregnant men, especially his pregnant bondmate. Spock, however, is determined to keep his interest a secret from Jim.
Spock didn't know exactly when the interest started.
As a child on Vulcan, he'd rarely seen pregnant women. While with child, most Vulcan women remained in self-imposed seclusion. The change in hormones often lead to changes in emotion and behavior, and they usually spent long hours in rest and meditation. Those who did venture out were always heavily robed, their large stomachs hidden by layers upon layers of fabric.
Perhaps such customs were at the root of his interest. The pregnant form had always been hidden and mysterious, and, as a result, it became something to fetishize.
Spock had never fully explored his interest. He had never had the means or opportunity to do so. He was an only child, he was unmarried, and any extended family members of child bearing age were either living on Earth, or tended to follow the customs of Vulcan and locked themselves away in meditation during the long months of pregnancy.
Books and scientific journals came to be Spock's only source of information on the pregnant form. His interest in science proved helpful as it masked his interest in pregnancy. He could carry books with him, have stacks in his bedroom, and read them in public without attracting much attention. He'd spend hours researching, pouring over documents, always pausing when he encountered photos or illustrations. He would stare for a long while, before he would finally allow his fingers to move over the page ever so gently, tracing the curve of the rounded bellies. He occasionally indulged in this behavior in the privacy of a research cubicle, but the majority of time he would resist until he was alone in his own bedroom.
As a teenager, Spock began to make a connection between sexual desire and his interest in the pregnant form - the stirring in his groin when he locked himself away with his books, running his fingers over the photographs. But fear of judgment from his parents, and Vulcan society in general, forced him to keep his desire hidden, lest it be seen as some sort of character flaw. As he entered adulthood, and joined Starfleet Academy, Spock continued to hide his interest. He repressed it so deeply within himself it never raised suspicion amongst family or acquaintances, despite the entire shelf of books on human and Vulcan reproduction which followed him to his apartment at the Academy, and then into his quarters on the Enterprise.
His unexpected relationship with James T. Kirk, his captain and friend, brought the interest to a grinding halt. Jim Kirk's energy and enthusiasm, both in duty and in private, distracted Spock from his fetish. As Spock began to realize the relationship would be lifelong, he allowed himself to slip further from his interest in the pregnant form. He realized that bonding with a human male would end any chance to experience a pregnant mate, and Spock was willing to sacrifice his deepest sexual desire if it meant he could have Jim for life.
*
Naturally then, the news that Jim Kirk was carrying a child, Spock's child, had rendered the Vulcan speechless.
Spock wasn't sure how long it had been since Jim had uttered the words Spock had never imagined he would hear from Jim's mouth, 'I'm pregnant.' The usually calm Vulcan had become uncharacteristically flustered. His eyes grew wide, his jaw dropped, and he simply stared at Jim, seemingly unable to put two words together to form a reply.
“You're upset..” Jim said, as he eyed Spock carefully.
A stream of thoughts and emotions buzzed across the bond from Spock to Jim. Surprise, confusion, fear, and finally a wave of guilt. Spock had hidden the fetish within his mind, locking it behind forgotten doors, but the feelings related to it suddenly came flooding over him like a tidal wave.
“Spock, I didn't do it on purpose,” Jim continued. “If it's not something you want, there are other options.”
Jim's expression grew increasingly pained as he waited for Spock's reply. He reached for Spock's wrists, pulling their bodies closer together, attempting to draw Spock out of whatever daze he was in.
“..Spock?”
Finally Spock shook his head, snapping himself out of his state of shock. He tilted his head as he examined Jim with bright eyes and a slight smile. “A pregnancy?”
Jim grinned hesitantly. “Yeah.. We're going to be dads.”
Spock's gaze moved down to Jim's torso. Cautiously, he lifted Jim's shirt and ghosted his fingers over the flat skin of Jim's stomach. It showed no signs of the roundness which was sure to come.
“You're okay with this?” Jim asked quietly, watching Spock.
Spock simply nodded, his eyes still on Jim's stomach. “I am more than okay with this, Jim. I believe the human term would be 'thrilled'.
Jim laughed and leaned in to kiss his bondmate.
*
The first eight weeks were relatively uneventful, and, despite his excitement over the pregnancy, Spock made the decision to keep his true feelings hidden from Jim. He felt there was no need to reveal his seemingly strange desires during such a sweet and happy time between them.
So it was, the first eight weeks swung from one extreme to the next - disbelief and happiness, and knowing looks between Jim and Spock; to extreme morning sickness, and Jim apologizing for whatever horrible karma had put him in such a position, and wishing out loud that he could take it all back.
Spock always responded to Jim's ill ranting by declaring that the concept of karma was illogical, and surely even if it wasn't, it was unlikely a negative act would have resulted in such a positive predicament. Jim always responded with a weak laugh, assuring Spock that he never meant a word he said while his head was over a garbage can.
*
During the 12th week, Spock caught Jim standing before a full-length mirror, clad only in his underwear, attempting to twist himself around enough to examine his backside.
“Spock..” he whined, torso twisted and eyes straining to catch the right angle. “Look at this.”
Spock walked over to Jim, grasping his hips and peering over his shoulder into the mirror.
“What do you wish me to see?”
“My ass.” Jim muttered, still attempting to crank himself around. “It's getting huge.”
Spock bit his lip, and grinned inwardly. “Jim, your.. ass has always been slightly larger than average.”
Jim turned from the mirror to look incredulously at Spock. “You're calling me a fat ass!?”
He pushed playfully at Spock's shoulders, feigning anger. Spock pulled Jim close to him again, allowing his hands to slide down to grasp Jim's ass cheeks. He gave them a slight squeeze, pulling Jim even closer.
“No, I am merely saying I have always found your shape and size quite pleasing.”
“Well, you might change your mind soon. I had to order new uniform pants today. I can barely button mine anymore.”
As Jim spoke, he pushed his stomach against Spock's. It felt slightly larger than normal, bloated, as if Jim had recently eaten a large meal. Taken by surprise, Spock let out a gasp.
“See?” Jim said, frowning as he looked down between them. “I'm getting fat..”
Spock's eyes followed Jim's gaze down to his stomach. It was beginning to jut out, and Spock was unsure how he'd missed it before.
“Jim.. I-” He paused for a moment, contemplating his next sentence. “I do not mind.”
It was simple, and not at all what he wanted to say. He wanted to tell Jim how he really felt and what he really wanted. He touched Jim's chin, tilting it up, forcing Jim to meet his gaze.
“I do not mind,” he said again, sending waves of affection across their bond.
Jim smiled brightly, and Spock fought to suppress the guilt that suddenly threatened to wash over him.
*
Jim's stomach seemed to expand at an almost alarming rate, frustrating him, while secretly pleasing Spock to no end.
Spock had managed to effectively repress his true interest in Jim's state by willing his brain to focus entirely on the scientific aspects of the situation.
Spock's eyes were always on Jim, distracted and enthralled by the changes his body was experiencing. He attempted to gauge the specific measurements of Jim's stomach and track how it continued to change over the course of several weeks. He'd started a logbook on his PADD, tracking changes and growth estimations. He even asked Jim if he could keep precise measurements of his stomach, and document his findings with photographs.
Jim had laughed at the request, but adamantly refused. “You're not turning me into a science experiment!”
Jim's disapproval was a small cog in Spock's plan for scientific exploration, and he couldn't help the brief feeling of embarrassment which flared across their bond. He recovered quickly, however, and continued documenting the visible changes, and touching only for the purpose of estimating measurements.
Otherwise his hands remained as far away from Jim's stomach as possible.
*
During the 5th month, Jim's stomach finally popped, taking on the typical rounded shape of a pregnant belly. Jim was carrying high, and from certain angles he appeared to be carrying a perfect sphere beneath the taut skin of his stomach.
Immediately after the pop, Spock stopped touching Jim's stomach altogether. He still eyed Jim, watching him when he believed Jim wasn't paying attention, but his hands ceased contact with the ever-expanding belly.
Jim hadn't really put much thought into Spock's strange habits in regards to his stomach, he had simply accepted them as Spock-isms. The sudden lack of contact, however, had started to make him worry, and as weeks went by that worry quickly turned to anger.
*
During sex Spock had begun setting the lights to five percent, and placing his hands on Jim's thighs or chest or shoulders, always bypassing his stomach completely. He had effectively blocked his interest in the pregnant form, and specifically his intense desire for Jim in his current state.
Despite his diligence, Spock's guards occasionally slipped, most often during sex when his mind was distracted, preoccupied with pleasing Jim while keeping his hands a safe distance from that growing belly.
It was during such moments that Jim was able to sense the emotions Spock continued to fight so hard to repress. Desire mixed with guilt and disgust. Desire for Jim, and the situation, and all of the mystery it held. Guilt for the inability to completely deny such desire, and disgust at himself for his continued failure.
Jim wasn't privy to the specifics, he was only able to sense the base emotions - the desire, the guilt, and the disgust. He knew Spock desired him, Spock had never succeeded in keeping that a secret from Jim. But the guilt and disgust were new, and Jim assumed they were the result of his current physical state and his expanding waistline.
*
Finally one evening Jim snapped, shoving Spock away from him in the darkness.
Spock had been unintentionally sending flashes of emotion and thought across to Jim. Desire at first, followed quickly by words; 'Do not. Wrong. Avoid. Stop.' The sense of guilt was fleeting, replaced quickly by a horrible sense of disgust.
“Jesus, Spock, I'm so fucking sorry I disgust you.”
Spock was silent for a moment, surprised at being pushed from Jim, and even more surprised at his anger.
“Jim, I--”
Jim was standing now, and Spock could make out his silhouette at the foot of the bed.
“Yeah, I get it Spock. I disgust you. Don't even try to deny it, I can feel it.”
“You do not understand.”
“No, I understand perfectly. You said you didn't mind. What a load of shit that was. It was easier to say when my stomach was still mostly flat, right?”
Spock didn't reply as he raised himself to a seated position on the bed, and then moved to the foot of the bed, reaching for Jim.
“I.. Jim, you do not understand. I did not mind then, and I still do not mind now.”
He was trying, trying so hard to make Jim understand without having to admit his awful secret. The one that would cause Jim to see him as he really was, strange and perverted, hiding an awful desire that no Vulcan should possess. Jim couldn't find out, he couldn't know, it would only make him leave.
The guilt and disgust were now mixed with fear as they buzzed across the bond towards Jim. The sense of fear caused Jim to pause in his anger for a moment, and he stepped towards Spock's outstretched hand. As Jim got closer, Spock changed the level of his hand, out of habit, so the point of contact was Jim's thigh instead of his stomach.
Jim stepped back again, seething in anger. “See you won't even touch me! You'll touch everywhere but my damn stomach. Don't tell me I don't disgust you when it's so obvious I do! You won't even fuck me with the lights on!”
Speechless, Spock shook his head in the darkness. His hand was still outstretched, reaching for his bondmate.
“Jim.. please. Please.. you do not understand.”
Jim waited for a moment, watching Spock and attempting to comprehend the incessant mix of emotions that emanated from him.
Jim called to the computer, setting lights at twenty percent. The room was suddenly bathed in soft light, and he could see the look of fear on Spock's face.
Finally Jim took a step forward. He grasped Spock's hand and placed it against his bare stomach.
Spock let out a pained sigh, and Jim felt a brief flash of desire and then a wave of guilt.
He kept Spock's hand there, held in place by a press of his own palm, and reached for Spock's other hand. Spock reluctantly raised his hand, and allowed Jim to place it on the other side of his rounded stomach.
Jim felt nothing for a moment, as Spock attempted to center himself. He was attempting to clear his mind and ignore what was currently happening, but Jim was having none of it.
“What's going on with you?” Jim asked, his hands still holding Spock's in place. “I thought you were just disgusted by me but it's something else, isn't it?”
Spock didn't reply, couldn't reply. His eyes were closed and he was trying his best to enter a shallow meditative state.
“Spock!”
The shout caused him to jump slightly, breaking his concentration. His attention immediately centered on his hands, which were flat against Jim's stomach. A soft moan escaped as he allowed himself to stroked the smooth rounded skin there for a moment. Jim's hands were now hovering over his, waiting, expectant. As Spock felt that familiar stirring in his groin, the guilt hit and he yanked his hands back as if he'd been burned.
Jim's reflexes were quicker, and he grabbed Spock's hands before they could escape. He brought them back towards his stomach, pressing them to him.
Spock was visibly distraught as he attempted to wrench his hands from Jim's grasp.
“No, Jim. Please..don't..”
The connection between them buzzed with overwhelming guilt, desire, disgust, and finally shame, intense shame.
Jim stared at his bondmate, attempting to understand the barrage of emotion Spock seemed unable to control or repress.
“Spock..” He whispered as he kept a grasp on the Vulcan's hands. “Explain.”
A shudder ran through Spock. He knew what Jim was asking, but he couldn't bring himself to say the words out loud. He shook his head, turning away from Jim's gaze.
“Please, tell me.”
“I cannot.”
Jim stood for a moment longer before finally letting go. The momentum pushed Spock back slightly, and he attempted to right himself while simultaneously crossing his arms, keeping his hands locked against his body. He sat rigid, arms flat across his chest, and hands tucked beneath them. He couldn't bring himself to look at Jim, but also couldn't bring himself to fight as Jim clasped his chin and turned Spock to meet his gaze.
“Spock, at least tell me, is it something I've done? I can't fix it if you won't tell me what I've done.”
Sadness washed over Spock then. The idea that Jim, his Jim, was looking to blame himself for something he didn't understand and had no control over, made Spock want to weep.
“No, Jim, please, you must understand. You have done nothing wrong. It is a flaw within me, and I only ask that you allow me some time to regain control over myself.”
Jim laughed awkwardly, seemingly unsure whether to be confused or angry. “A flaw? What kind of flaw?”
“I do not wish to explain. I believe it would be a detriment to our relationship, and it would cause you to drastically alter your opinion of me.”
“Did you hurt someone?”
Spock stuttered, unsure where the line of questioning was going and not wishing to face further scrutiny. “N-no.”
“Did you cheat on me?”
“Absolutely not.”
“So you haven't hurt anyone, and you aren't fooling around.. Do you want to break our bond?”
“Jim, no. I would never want that.”
“Do you regret that we're going to have a kid together?”
“No. I could not possibly regret that. But Jim, please, I do not wish to be questioned further.”
Jim bit down a flash of anger, frustrated with Spock's stubbornness but still wanting to understand.
“No, Spock, listen. I'm asking because I don't know what you could've possibly done to make me not want you. If something is bothering you I want to know what it is so I can try to fix it.”
He reached for Spock again, prying his hands from his body and holding them at arm's length. Spock sat in silence for a long while, looking at Jim almost shyly. Jim squeezed his hands every few minutes, and Spock willed himself to give a soft squeeze in reply.
Finally he spoke, considering his words carefully. “It is not.. It is not something I believe to be reparable. It is something I must simply overcome and control. Anything less would result in damage to our bond and your opinion of me as your bondmate.”
Jim let out a frustrated sigh. “Spock, I'm telling you, there's nothing you could do, or think, or say that would make me not love you. It might make me confused or angry at first, but I would still love you.”
Spock was silent as he felt Jim clumsily pushing as much love and affection as he could muster across their bond. He could hear Jim's voice in his head, 'I love you Spock. You know this. Always.'
“Please..” Jim said aloud. “Tell me.”
*
Spock stopped fighting it then.
All the years of repression and embarrassment and horrible shame, they suddenly didn't matter. All that mattered was this man, this amazing human, who was able to get Spock to reveal his innermost secrets. The desire he'd kept hidden from everyone, even himself for a time, was suddenly out in the open.
The obsession, the mystery behind it, it had always been so taboo - a dark secret that he was raised to turn a blind eye to. The words tumbled from his lips. Want, need, mystique, desire. And the other words too. Secret, guilt, shame, disgust.
Jim listened, amazed, understanding, and mildly amused. So it was a fetish, a sexual fetish for the pregnant form. Jim certainly wasn't a foreigner to fetishes, and, as sexual fetishes went, Spock's was really quite tame. Jim would almost call it sweet.
So he took Spock then, and pulled him back onto the bed. The Vulcan was tired and pliant, as if a giant weight had just been lifted from him, and in a way it had been. He encouraged Spock to touch and explore, to feel the roundness of his stomach, and enjoy whatever feeling it brought to him.
Spock moved slowly and hesitantly at first, still somewhat influenced by the barriers and restrictions he'd faced for years. But he soon moved his hands freely over Jim's body - enjoying the new curves and dips, the warmth of Jim's belly against him, and the fascinating realization that they had created the being that was growing inside.
Jim was quiet as he let Spock explore, content to watch and send waves of love and acceptance from his mind to Spock's. He complied willingly when the returning emotions were drenched in desire and want, and he pulled Spock against his back, lying with him on the bed, waiting for Spock to prepare him and enter him, slowly, carefully.
When Spock was finally inside him and they were moving together, Jim reached for Spock's hand, pulling it around his waist and onto his stomach.
'Touch.' Jim instructed, his voice inside Spock's mind. 'It's okay.'
Spock held Jim against him, moving in tandem and stroking the round stomach. It was the moment he'd always wanted, and never dared to hope for. The mystique, the secret, now so open to him, laid bare for him to see and explore and love. All of it made possible by this man, Jim, who was always so open, accepting, and willing to give and give and give love. So much love.
Spock's mouth was pressed to Jim's ear, panting words between each breath.
“Vaksurik..” He whispered in Jim's ear as they reached their climax together.
“Beautiful, Jim. It's beautiful.”