fic; everything turns to ash
Title: Everything Turns to Ash
Pairing: Kame/Ueda, with the rest of KAT-TUN and Jin
Rating: PG-13 for stalking, paranoia, mindfuckery
Summary: When Ueda learns he has a stalker, Kame promises to make sure nothing happens to him.
Author's Note: 12750 words. For yuumei_nata through fic_the_faith 2011. Exponential thanks goes to reiicharu, without whom there would seriously have been no fic, and to uepixie for the beta and encouragement! ♥♥♥♥ This fic is really different from anything else I've written, so it was difficult and yet exciting at the same time. I'm quite proud of how it turned out and I hope you enjoy it too. :) The title is from Nishikido Ryo's monologue. :)
There’s someone watching.
Ueda can feel it. Maybe he should be used it by now, since his job requires him to be constantly watched and looked at by other people, but this time, it’s different. It’s not that adoring gaze of a loving fan, or the curious look of someone trying to recognize why Ueda looks familiar. It’s just there, a dark presence he cannot escape. The kind that makes his spine tingle in heightened awareness, like something, someone, is going to jump out at him from the shadows.
It’s a strange feeling, one that he can’t quite shake, even when he’s surrounded by people. It’s the worst when he’s alone, because it no longer feels like he’s by himself. It feels like someone is there, around the corner, standing behind him, hidden somewhere just out of his vision that no matter where he looks, how fast he turns to catch them in the act, there’s no one there.
Of course there isn’t, he tells himself. How could anyone get into his home, anyway? Ueda prides himself on being very secretive and extremely cautious. He’s good at not getting caught in the papers, or followed by stalker fans. But this time he can’t stop feeling like there’s someone always watching him, when he’s at home, when he’s in the car, when he’s on the train, even when he’s just walking down the streets.
He’s getting worried, the longer this seems to go on, convinced that something is wrong. Kame tells him that he’s crazy. “If someone were there, I think you’d have noticed by now. Or at least, one of your dogs would’ve barked their heads off,” he points out and Ueda feels a sliver of hope. Kame can tell he’s not entirely convinced, and laughs, “Unless it’s one of us. But then you’d be screwed because you’d never be able to escape.”
Ueda laughs at that, finally feeling stupid about his paranoia. And not that he ever considered the possibility that it could be anyone in KAT-TUN, he remembers with certainty that they’re all too busy to be stalking each other anyway.
And for awhile, Ueda forgets about it.
Then it gets worse. It’s like uneasiness has seized his very core, holding on so fiercely that Ueda can’t think straight anymore. Everywhere he goes he feels like he’s under constant surveillance, but when he looks, he can’t find anyone, not even a tiny indication that he’s actually being watched.
Ueda starts to think he’s going insane. It makes him jumpy, reserved and quieter than normal when he’s with the other members.
“This isn’t about you thinking you’re being stalked, is it?” Kame asks one day when Ueda’s silence starts to unnerve the rest of KAT-TUN.
Ueda winces, especially when the other three stop what they’re doing to look at him in surprise.
“You’re being stalked?!” Nakamaru exclaims instantly, a worried look crossing over his face.
Ueda shakes his head. “I don’t know,” he says honestly, feeling confused. “I just feel like something is off.”
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Taguchi says optimistically, smiling for effect, but even his cheerfulness can’t ebb the uneasiness in Ueda’s veins.
“Besides,” Koki says, “if someone were to attack you, you’re practically a pro-boxer! You could beat them to a pulp in five seconds.”
The others laugh good-naturedly at that and Ueda cracks a smile for their benefit while inside he still feels like a child wanting to hide.
--
Ueda would like to think he’s stronger than this, but as the days go on and the feeling doesn’t leave him, he realizes that maybe he really isn’t. And that actually frightens him more than the knowledge that there might be someone out there, watching his every move, following him home to work, from work to home.
He thinks he’s going completely insane and it’s ruining all of his focus. Work becomes difficult to concentrate on and not even spending a few hours at the gym or working on music can take his mind off the uneasiness in his veins.
“I don’t know what to do,” he confesses, almost whispering into the mouthpiece of his cell phone. He’s curled up in a corner of his bed, leaning back against the head board. Every light in his apartment is turned on even though it’s past two in the morning, but Ueda can’t sleep. He doesn’t remember the last time he was able to without waking up at the slightest noise, the tiniest thought that someone is there.
“Just ignore it,” Kame tells him a little unhelpfully. “You know there’s no one there.”
“I know,” Ueda says. “But I can’t shake this feeling.”
Kame sighs and then says in a soothing voice, “Do you want to come stay with me for awhile?”
Ueda swallows thickly and forces himself not to jump up and accept Kame’s offer instantly. He still has some pride, even if most of it has been demolished by his paranoia. “Is that okay?” he asks instead. “I don’t want to drag you into this.”
Kame laughs and that’s comforting, Ueda’s fright easing out of his system. “I wouldn’t be offering if it was a problem, Tacchan,” Kame says.
“Thanks, Kame,” Ueda says with a relieved sigh.
“I’ll leave the door unlocked for you. You can use the spare room. Just come over right now. I’m going back to sleep.”
“Sure,” Ueda says and thanks him once more before he quickly gathers up clothes, his tooth brush and anything else he might need for work the next day before shutting off the lights in his apartment and heading down to his car.
Even in the elevator, completely alone, he still feels like he’s being watched. He’s restless on the drive to Kame’s, once again unable to shake the feeling that he’s never truly alone. He knows it’s ridiculous and that if he could just convince himself that much this would go away, but as soon as he starts to relax, even a little, the paranoia comes back, ten times stronger.
Kame’s door is unlocked as he said it would be, and Ueda locks every lock on it before he slips out of his shoes and heads inside. In the spare room across from Kame’s own bedroom he sees a futon laid out for him, pillows and blankets resting on top, and and smiles at Kame’s thoughtfulness. He makes himself comfortable and lies awake for at least an hour, eventually the knowledge that he’s not alone, that Kame’s just down the hall, that he’s actually trying to help him through his moment of ridiculous fear, lulls Ueda to the best sleep he’s had in weeks.
--
He spends a few days with Kame and falls into a sense of security. He doesn’t feel that uneasiness anymore and it’s the best feeling ever. He can actually sleep, doesn’t frighten himself with the prospect that someone unwelcome is hiding around every corner, and manages to regain his life back.
He laughs it off with the others, can’t believe he let something so ridiculous scare him like that, and after a week, insists that he can go back home. As a thanks, he invites Kame back with him after work one night for dinner and they’re chatting happily as Ueda unlocks the door to his apartment and steps aside to let Kame in first.
They both freeze when Kame steps on the large manila envelope lying in the genkan, the envelope that was definitely not there the day before when they’d stopped by for Ueda to pick up a few things. Ueda shuts the door behind him as Kame grabs the envelope and opens it while Ueda slips out of his jacket.
“What is it?” he asks, only slightly curious, but when Kame doesn’t respond, he freezes, one arm still in his coat sleeve. “Kame?” He looks over at Kame who is staring with wide eyes at something in his hands and then suddenly seems to snap out of it, trying to quickly shove whatever it is back into the envelope.
“I don’t think you should see this,” he says, his voice frantic, and Ueda’s stomach jumps to his throat.
“Give it to me,” he demands, holding out a hand, but Kame shakes his head, backing away so Ueda can’t get to it. But Ueda doesn’t give up that easily, reaching around Kame to grab the envelope he’s trying to hide behind his back. Kame’s gotten much stronger and they actually end up in a bit of a struggle until Ueda finally manages to successfully snatch the envelope from Kame’s hand.
“Ueda-” Kame starts but Ueda’s pulled the contents out of the envelope, finding a large photo of himself printed on shiny paper. He recognizes it from two days ago, when he’d come home to get another change of clothes. It’s taken just outside his apartment; a side profile shot of himself while on the phone, he’d been talking to Nakamaru, hadn’t even once felt that tingling restlessness that had plagued him for weeks before.
“No,” Ueda breathes, that feeling hitting him hard now, like he’s been struck by it upside the head. His fingers curl tightly into the photo, crumpling it loudly as he loses his stance and nearly falls on his ass. Thankfully, Kame grabs him just before he does, helping him further into the house and sitting him down on the couch.
Kame wrenches the photo out of Ueda’s vice-like grip and tosses it onto the coffee table. He says nothing and Ueda’s glad, doesn’t know what he wants to hear. He drops his face into his hands and feels his shoulder shake with tremors. He jumps when Kame grips his shoulder and Ueda turns to look at him, and Kame’s eyes are soft with concern.
“Don’t worry,” Kame says when Ueda is at a loss, “we’re going to figure something out.”
--
Not even an hour later, the rest of KAT-TUN are situated around Ueda’s dining table, all wearing various looks of confusion and fright. Ueda is curled up in a chair, legs drawn up to his chest, his mug of tea untouched before him.
“Shouldn’t we go to the cops or something?” Nakamaru says finally, worry etched in his face.
“Is there anything they can do right now anyway? When whatever sick fuck is doing this hasn’t actually shown himself?” Koki questions.
“It’s probably a stalker fan,” Taguchi says quietly.
“Yeah,” Kame agrees and adds darkly, “The police might just tell us there’s nothing they can do, we should be used to it since we’re idols.” He glowers down at his tea, fingers tightening around his mug.
“What the fuck should we do then?” Koki practically shouts. “We can’t just do nothing.”
Nakamaru nods instantly. “I agree. We, we have to do something.” He glances at Ueda who hasn’t said a word since he and Kame found the photo an hour ago. “What do you think, Ueda?”
Ueda peers up at all of them, glad that they’re all there, worrying about him, but feeling helpless that he can’t somehow ease their concern, can’t just brush it off and act like this isn’t bothering him. They’ve all dealt with crazy fans but something like this has never happened before. He wishes he could be stronger, pull himself and the others through this, but with the appearance of that photo makes everything real. Before it was just his own paranoia, his mind waving a red flag at him relentlessly but there was never any proof that he wasn’t just making things up. But now. Now the proof was laying in the middle of the table, glaring up at all of them screaming look at me, look at me, I do exist and Ueda has never felt more frightened before in his life.
“Ueda?” Taguchi says and Ueda blinks a few times, returning to reality and shakes his head.
“I don’t know, you guys. I don’t know what to do,” he whispers.
“Well, at the very least, you should move out,” Koki says firmly and the others acknowledge their agreement. That is until Kame shakes his head and says, “No, he’s going to stay with me.”
Ueda turns surprised eyes at Kame, but the youngest member of the group looks back at him with determination. “You don’t have to-” Ueda starts but Kame cuts him off.
“I know that, but I want to. You shouldn’t be left alone right now.” He smiles warmly at Ueda and adds, “I don’t think you want to be alone right now either.”
He’s right. But Ueda won’t give in that easily and shakes his head again. “I don’t want to drag you into this. Who knows what could happen if I-”
“Oh, Tacchan,” Kame laughs, “do you really think we’re not going to be dragged into this? No one can do something like this to one of us without getting all of us involved.”
“That’s right,” Nakamaru jumps in to say. “You’re not alone, Ueda.”
Ueda opens his mouth to argue, to say something, because the very last thing he wants is to end up making his friends possible targets to whatever this stalker wants from him. He doesn’t want any of them to get hurt because of him. But what ends up coming you, as he looks at all of their now smiling, confident, caring faces is a mumbled, “Thank you.”
--
He talks to management the next morning. Johnny stares at the photo of Ueda that had been slipped under his door for a few long minutes before turning his beady gaze onto Ueda himself.
“I’ll take care of this,” he says in a low, firm voice. “You continue to focus on work. Do not let this get to you, and do not let anyone know. Who does know?”
“Just KAT-TUN,” he says and Johnny nods.
“Keep it that way,” Johnny says. “If anything else happens, notify me immediately.”
Ueda promises he will and takes his leave, feeling slightly better knowing that Johnny will use his vast range of resources to figure out what the hell is going on.
In the meantime, he keeps Johnny’s words in mind, repeating them like a mantra over and over again. Do not let this get to you. He can’t afford to let this mess him up. He tells himself he’s stronger than this, that he can get through this, and it’s enough to make it through another day of photo shoots and interviews and meetings.
The other members are like his lifelines. They each seem to take turns to check up on him, talk with him and keep his mind off of that rippling restlessness that’s seized him once again.
But no one is more intuitive and caring than Kame, who is looking after Ueda like it’s his sole mission in life. Ueda won’t admit that he’s scared, not aloud, even though he is. But Kame seems to understand his resistance to talk about this and treats Ueda like it’s any other day, like he doesn’t possibly have a dangerous stalker trailing his every movement. For that, Ueda is eternally grateful. All he wants is to forget about what’s happening, to get control of his life back, and Kame helps him do that.
Ueda unofficially moves in with Kame. He brings over some clothes and other necessities from his place and takes over the extra room in Kame’s apartment. Living together with Kame is a new challenge, but one that Ueda gladly welcomes. It keeps his mind off of everything else, abiding by Kame’s rather OCD rules and maintaining the peace between them. The last thing he wants is to be a hassle to Kame who has been relentlessly supportive throughout this whole ordeal.
A week goes by without incident, the uneasiness subsiding, but Ueda won’t let himself be fooled this time. He’s certain that whoever is behind this is just biding his or her time, waiting until he’s let his guard down before striking again. That’s how it happened before; he was starting to feel relaxed again when the photo showed up. He wonders just how closely he’s being watched, if his stalker knows he’s living with Kame.
He certainly hopes not. They’ve taken precautions. Ueda doesn’t care if his stalker knows he no longer stays at his own apartment, but he can’t afford to let his stalker know he’s with Kame instead. They leave at separate times, use separate cars and never return together. It’s a pain in the ass, but Ueda occasionally returns to his apartment for a few hours, only to leave through the back, making sure to disguise himself until he’s virtually unrecognizable, before he takes a taxi to Kame’s. It’s the only thing they can do, right now.
His worry is proven to be true when at the end of the second week he’s been living with Kame, another envelope like the first one is waiting in the genkan yet again. Ueda’s returned before Kame who has extra meetings for a possible drama role coming up. He feels incredibly alone when he sees the envelope there, frozen to his spot against the door.
He tries to keep his calm but it fails, and fright grips him so hard he locks everything on the door and then carefully makes his way through Kame’s apartment, turning on all the lights, checking to make sure the window are closed (even though Kame lives on the 15th floor). Then he returns to the genkan and cautiously picks up the envelope between two fingers like it’s going to burn him. He heads to his room and sits down at the foot of the bed. His hands shake as he holds the envelope and stares down at it. It’s plain, unaddressed, just like the first one, and his heart is loud in his ears as he takes a deep breath, rips it open, and pulls out the contents.
He drops it when he sees it; it falls to the floor at his feet. Another photograph, but this time it’s him and Kame, chatting amiably together on their way into Kame’s apartment the previous weekend. Across the bottom in bright red, the words Don’t try to run, I’ll find you. are written, cutting through him like a knife and Ueda can’t even move, can’t get up and throw the stupid thing away. Instead he sits silently on his bed, eyes unable to tear away from the photograph, from those haunting words.
That’s how Kame finds him almost an hour later, rushing over when Ueda isn’t even able to reply to his Tadaima. He doesn’t even have to ask, his gaze following Ueda’s to the floor and he walks in briskly, still in his coat, his bag slung over his shoulder, and picks it up. He takes one look and glares with disgust, crumpling it up into a ball and throwing it into the trash.
That seems to shake Ueda out of his trance, sucking in a deep breath as if he’s just been revived from having too much water in his lungs. He turns wide, frightened eyes onto Kame who grips Ueda by his shoulders and says firmly, “When did that get here?”
It takes a moment for Ueda to find his voice to speak and when he does, it’s quiet and small, and he scares him a little, just how much this is affecting him. “It was in the genkan when I got back,” he says. “Kame, what, what am I supposed to do?”
Ueda’s eyes widen when Kame actually hugs him, holding himself close, comforting and kind and there, and Ueda really tries hard not to let the flood of emotions break free, not yet, he has to be stronger than this.
“Don’t worry, Tacchan,” Kame says when he pulls away, smiling for effect, and that’s comforting, too. Kame’s smile makes Ueda think that everything really will be okay. “We’re going to figure this out. Don’t worry.”
Ueda nods slowly, lost and scared and unable to say anything else, and lets Kame’s care and comfort pull him back into that sense of security yet again.
--
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me,” Jin is demanding angrily through video on Ueda’s laptop.
“How did you even find out?” Ueda questions, smiling only a little. It’s nice to see Jin again, they haven’t had a chance to talk for awhile since he’d gone back to America to work on his upcoming debut.
“I have my ways,” Jin says smugly and Ueda reads between the lines, stares at him expectantly, an eyebrow raised until Jin caves and says, “Okay, fine, I was talking to Nakamaru last night and he spilled it when I told him I had no idea what was going on. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me, Uebo.”
Now he looks hurt and Ueda feels a little guilty. “Sorry,” he says, “but I haven’t exactly been thinking clearly lately.”
Jin nods. “Right,” he says, frowning. “Are you okay?”
“What do you think?” Ueda says lightly, even though he’s really a hundred times worse than he was the day before, and the day before that. He’s beginning to withdraw into himself as the days pass, especially since four days ago another photograph appeared in the genkan, just like the previous two. Just another photo of him taken outside on his way to work. It frightened him inexplicably because it hadn’t even been three days since the second one had arrived before he received the third. Whoever is doing this is getting impatient, more determined to scare Ueda out of his wits. And the worst thing about it all is that it’s working.
“Okay, stupid question,” Jin says, cutting through Ueda’s thoughts and Ueda lets out a small laugh. “Seriously, though, Ueda, you have to be careful. This is really bad. And you need to know you can’t trust everyone. Whoever this asshole is that’s stalking you is closer to you than you think.”
Ueda rolls his eyes. “I think you’ve been watching too many American crime shows over there.” When Jin’s expression doesn’t change, and Ueda sighs. “It’s probably just an anti-fan or something, Jin.”
“I don’t know,” Jin says quietly. “I just think you need to be-” He cuts himself off, leaning forward into his computer screen as if trying to push his way through it. Ueda stares back with confusion but before he can say anything though Jin demands, “Where are you? Are you at Kame’s?”
Ueda blinks, surprised that Jin can recognize Kame’s extra room. “Uh, yeah,” he says carefully. “I’ve been staying with him for a few weeks now.”
Now Jin looks furious. “Are you out of your mind?” he exclaims, eyes blazing through the computer screen. “Kame has been helping you?”
“Yes,” Ueda says firmly, not understanding Jin’s anger. “He’s been really nice and caring since this all started-”
“Of course he has,” Jin hisses, almost talking to himself now, paying Ueda no attention. “Fucking Kame.” He looks back up at Ueda suddenly, and Ueda actually leans away from the screen, surprised by Jin’s rage. “Listen, Ueda, you can’t stay there, you need to get out, you-”
He doesn’t hear what else Jin has to tell him because his laptop is slammed shut and Ueda jumps, finding Kame standing beside him, a hand on top of his computer and a cold, dark look in his eyes.
“Kame,” Ueda says, “what the hell are you doing?”
“Protecting you,” Kame says firmly, picking up Ueda’s laptop and holding it to his chest. “You can’t be talking to him.”
“To Jin?” Ueda says, utterly confused. “Why the fuck not?”
“You can’t trust anyone,” Kame says slowly, like he’s explaining this to a child, and Ueda seethes inside at the way he’s being treated before Kame’s actual words click in his brain.
Then he laughs, looking at Kame incredulously. “Do you really think Jin is behind this?”
“I don’t know,” Kame admits, the anger in his eyes slowly fading away to concern. “But you can’t trust anyone. I heard what he said, didn’t it seem like he was accusing me just now?”
Ueda stares at him, even more confused than he’s been since this whole thing began. He doesn’t know what to think and groans, putting his face in his hands. “Are you saying I can’t trust you, either?” he questions eventually.
“No,” Kame says. “Of course you can trust me.” He grins, and it makes Ueda feel a little better, even though it doesn’t reach his eyes as usual. “I have better things to do than stalk you.”
Ueda makes a skeptic noise but laughs when Kame glares. “Okay, okay,” he says. “I get your point. I have to be more careful.”
“You do,” Kame says and sighs. “We’re all worried, Ueda. Just think about it. I think Akanishi’s right. More than likely, this is someone you know. Why would a fan try so hard to scare you? It doesn’t really fit.”
“But I don’t know anyone who would want to scare me either!” Ueda exclaims, frustrated, because this feels like the hundredth time he’s talked to Kame about this, going through everyone he knows, has ever met or talked to, even once, trying to think of the one person he might’ve been a little rude to, did something to, anything, but time and time again he comes up empty-handed.
“Well, keep thinking,” Kame says shortly, and Ueda can tell he’s starting to get frustrated about all of this, too. He puts Ueda’s laptop back down after he gets Ueda to promise not to call Jin back, at least not right now. Ueda doesn’t understand but he gives in just to get Kame to stop being so weirdly overprotective. Kame seems to notice though, sighing as he combs a hand through his hair and says, “I’m sorry. I just don’t want you to get hurt because of this, Tacchan.”
“I know,” Ueda replies a little stiffly, growing tired of everything, tired of being scared, of not knowing what to do, what exactly is going on, how bad this is and how cautious he should be.
“I’ll leave you alone,” Kame says, and Ueda smiles gratefully, collapsing onto his bed as Kame takes his leave, and doesn’t notice when he looks back over his shoulder worriedly before he shuts the door after him.
--
Ueda does think about it. For the next few days it’s all he does, taking Jin’s words and Kame’s and running through them over and over in his head. What they said makes absolute sense, he does need to be more careful, and he really shouldn’t trust everyone and anything he hears. Of course the people he does trust are the only people he’s been regularly seeing. He hasn’t mentioned any of this to his family because he doesn’t want to worry them, and other than Johnny and his manager, the only people who know about what’s happening is the members of KAT-TUN, including Jin.
And that’s where Ueda grows frustrated, suspicious. He doesn’t want to be, but, thinking about it now, how can he trust what Jin said? Jin, who had started to accuse Kame of what’s been going on. Kame, who has been Ueda’s pillar of support throughout everything. Why would he do something like that? They should be trusting each other; Ueda trusts them, all of them, can’t imagine any one of them trying to hurt him. Besides, he’s with Kame a lot more now than before and he sees first-hand just how busy the younger man is. Kame, out of all of them, would never have the time to seriously stalk someone.
And besides, if he was, he’d be a pretty pathetic stalker considering Ueda’s been living with him for weeks now and he hasn’t gone crazy on him yet (excluding slamming his laptop shut mid-conversation with Jin). Ueda laughs, thinking about. It can’t be Kame. It can’t be any of them. Right?
But the more he contemplates and mulls it over, the more confused he gets. How exactly did Jin find out about Ueda’s stalker, especially when Johnny made it clear not to let anyone outside of KAT-TUN know, and that technically meant Jin in that moment. Jin had said Nakamaru told him, but would Nakamaru really go against Johnny’s orders like that to inform Jin about what was happening? Especially since Jin is in America and can’t actually do anything?
And that’s another thing; how could it be Jin? Jin’s across the fucking ocean, with much more important things on his plate than scaring his ex-bandmate.
Then…Nakamaru, why would he tell Jin about this when he knows it should be kept secret? Of course, it’s Jin, so it’s staying within the six of them, and Nakamaru’s just probably worried, but…something about it feels weird to Ueda. Nakamaru doesn’t seem like the person who would ignore direct orders to keep something this vital under lock and key.
As the days go on, Ueda starts to become more and more suspicious of nearly everyone around him, everyone except Kame because, really, Kame would be the world’s worst stalker if he had Ueda in his apartment and didn’t do anything. Of course, there’s the possibility that perhaps he’s the best stalker, and he’s only biding his time.
Ueda doesn’t think so, not with Kame. Because Kame makes him laugh and smile and watches over him in the completely friendly, caring manner that has Ueda looking forward to returning to his apartment everyday, no matter how much living with Kame can be a bit of a pain. Kame is a little too overprotective, but he’s always been that way, even when they were juniors and used to get into fights, he would step in between Ueda and anyone who had something bad to say, so much stronger than Ueda could’ve ever hoped to be back then.
And he’s still like that, protecting Ueda from this invisible stalker who, yet again, sends another envelope. Kame doesn’t let him see it, his way of protection. Ueda tries to get it from him, but he gives up quickly because, really, he doesn’t want to see it, either, and because he’s too tired to try. This whole ordeal is taking an almost death-defying toll on him. His suspicions about his closest friends make him lose his appetite, his stalker finally confronting him makes him lose his sleep, and he’s becoming a shell of the person he once was, closing in on himself as the days trudge on.
But more of them keep coming, now only a day or two between the arrivals and it’s getting hard to hide his hysteria inside. Kame’s getting busier and is rarely in the apartment when Ueda is, and normally it wouldn’t matter, but now Ueda can’t stand being alone. He feels it, that presence stronger than ever before, pulling him deeper into the darkness with grips so strong and relentless he can barely fight it.
He’s curled on the floor of Kame’s living room one night when Kame’s still out working on Going. Kame refuses Ueda to call anyone else over to hang out with him, even more paranoid than Ueda that one of KAT-TUN, one of their friends is really the stalker. So Ueda sits alone, a few cans of beers open and empty on the glass coffee table. Kame will bitch at him for not using coasters but Ueda doesn’t care, feeling tiny, terrified, and alone.
The television is on the news because the silence in the apartment makes Ueda even more jumpy than usual, but then again, every time he hears Ran walking around, he jumps anyway. His own dogs are at with his parents, after giving them a quickly made-up excuse, and he wishes he had them to keep him company at least.
Drinking helps. Ueda doesn’t get drunk very often, it’s not really his style, but right now he can’t help it, just about clearly Kame out of beer before starting in on the hard liquor in his cabinet. Like this he finds his dilemma almost entirely amusing, laughing at himself for getting so completely paranoid, for letting himself get so trashed like this because of it, even hating himself a little for seriously considering his friends to be behind it.
And that’s when he hears noises from the doorway, his head snapping over, everything stilling, as he strains his ears to listen. It’s not Kame, he can tell instantly, because Kame makes a lot of noise when he comes home late, too tired to try to be quiet, and his keyring clangs loudly with the number of things he has on it.
This is different, Ueda can feel it, the uneasiness punching him in the stomach as his fright starts to wear away his drunkenness. He doesn’t dare to move, listening to the sounds until they suddenly just stop, and the only thing he hears is the television in the background.
Swallowing thickly, he gets to his feet, almost falling back to the floor in his uncoordinated haze, but finally making it to the genkan. And there it is, another envelope, sitting right on the floor like always. Ueda’s eyes widen and he stares at it for a few seconds before rushing to the door and yanking it open, then pausing to undo all the locks before he pulls it open for real.
His heart is thundering in his ears as he scans the hallway. It’s completely empty. Whoever was there has vanished already, and Ueda feels a sinking sensation in the pit of his belly. He pulls the door closed slowly and locks it back up again before he picks up the envelope again and returns to his spot on the floor by the couch.
It’s the first time one of the envelopes have arrived while Ueda was there, or awake, to see hear it. And he did hear it. He heard someone there, someone slipping the envelope under the door. It’s real his mind tells him, and it’s haunting, sending a chill up his spine as his fingers clench the sides of the envelope in his hands.
He shouldn’t open it. He hasn’t seen the last five that have been sent to him because Kame takes them away from before he can. He should toss this one away too, he knows it, but he’s drunk and he’s curious and he can’t help but rip it open and pull out yet another photograph.
And this time it’s of him with Kame and Taguchi in the dressing room of their latest photo shoot. Ueda continues to stare at it, sick to his stomach, because this is the first photo he’s seen where his stalker has actually been somewhere inaccessible, or at least, Ueda never thought his stalker could find his way into restricted buildings unless…he really is someone that close to him.
But he’s gone through the lists a hundred times in his mind. From the members to the staff he sees daily and nothing has ever seemed off about anyone. But now, with this photo in his hands, what else is there to believe? It has to be someone more closely connected to him than he ever thought before and the idea scares him so completely he doesn’t know what to do.
It takes him awhile to tear his eyes away from the photo, shove it back into the envelope and throw it across the room. It doesn’t get very far despite his attempt to lunge it as hard as he could, but at least he can’t reach it from where he is. He pours himself another glass of some awful drink Kame had in his apartment, and drinks half of it in one go. He waits a few moments and then downs the rest.
When Kame returns a half hour later, Ueda’s a bit of a mess. Kame takes one look at him, surprised and even slightly repulsed (Ueda doesn’t blame him) before he notices the envelope on the floor where Ueda had thrown it earlier.
“When did this get here?” Kame demands, picking it up from the floor. When he notices it’s been opened, he glares at Ueda. “Why did you open it? Didn’t I tell you not to anymore?”
Ueda pouts at him, drawing his knees up to his chest. “Sorry,” he mumbles, voice a bit of a slur. “I couldn’t help it.”
“When did it get here?” Kame asks again.
Ueda shrugs. “Awhile ago,” he says indifferently. “And no, I didn’t see who put it there.”
Kame scowls, staring at the photograph before he sets it down on the coffee table and comes around to sit beside Ueda. “What’re you doing, Tacchan?” he asks.
“What do you mean?” Ueda replies, even though he knows exactly what Kame’s asking.
“This,” Kame says, gesturing to the empty bottles and cans, to Ueda’s disheveled appearance. “Have you been drinking all night like this?”
The worry in his voice makes Ueda sick again. He feels awful for making everyone so worried. So worried over him because he’s not strong enough to deal with it on his own. It doesn’t matter how much they insist they want to help, it makes him feel useless, pathetic, that he can’t do anything but let it affect him so much that he ends up like this.
And now it’s at the surface, right there were he can’t hold it back anymore, not when Kame’s watching him with concern, not after he’s spent the whole night completely alone and even more frightened than before. Not when he’s been going back and forth between being suspicious of his friends and then despising himself for even considering it, no matter how plausible it could be. And all of this is frustrating, the fact that he doesn’t know what to do or how to deal with it, that he’s certain if he tries to speak, the dams he build to block everything inside will crumble around him and he’ll drown in his own fears and insecurities.
“Ueda?” Kame says, now sounding a little frantic when Ueda curls up on himself even more, resting his forehead upon his knees, shoulders shaking with the effort not to cry. Kame’s arms that embrace him are warm and they remind him that he really isn’t alone. Kame has been there for him the entire time in a way Ueda never could’ve imagined.
He doesn’t really know what he’s doing, but he’s turning, leaning his head onto Kame’s shoulder, relaxing in his arms around him. “I’m scared,” he admits, for the first time out loud, to anyone. “I don’t know what to do.”
Kame holds him tighter, his fingers burn Ueda’s where they press against the skin above his elbow. “I know,” he replies quietly yet his voice seems to echo throughout the room, even drowning out the television that continues to play undaunted. “I know,” he says again. “I am too. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
Ueda giggles a little because he still is exceedingly drunk. “Kame is so nice,” he says lightly. “What would I do without Kame?”
“Just how much have you drunk tonight?” Kame inquires, amused, as he leans back enough to meet Ueda’s dazed eyes.
“Not that much,” Ueda insists. “Really,” he adds when Kame stares at him expectantly.
“Then who drank all of this?” Kame asks, gesturing to the bottles and cans on the coffee table.
“Ran-chan,” Ueda replies without missing a beat and then dissolves into another round of giggles.
Kame seems to be trying hard not to laugh, giving into a tiny smile as he tries to stand up but Ueda won’t relinquish his grip so he drags him up to his feet as well. “Okay, Ueda, we’re going to bed,” Kame says, guiding Ueda back to his own room.
“This is your room,” Ueda says, looking around as though he’s never been in it before. Then he gasps, “You want to sleep with me.”
Kame rolls his eyes. “Get in,” he says instead of gracing Ueda’s accusation with an actual response. Ueda gets into bed without question, sighing contently as his head hits the pillow and his eyes start to close. When Kame starts to leave, Ueda quickly grabs his wrist and pulls him close until Kame’s staring down at him, face inches from Ueda’s.
“Where are you going?” Ueda asks, his voice now completely frantic, not wanting to be left alone, not now when Kame has finally come back.
Kame seems to notice because he says, “Nowhere,” and pushes at Ueda until Ueda moves to the other side of the bed. Kame strips out of his jeans and shirt and slides in beside him and Ueda instantly grabs for his hand again.
“Don’t leave,” Ueda whispers and Kame nods.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he promises and stays awake, an arm around Ueda’s shoulders, until Ueda falls asleep.
part two
Pairing: Kame/Ueda, with the rest of KAT-TUN and Jin
Rating: PG-13 for stalking, paranoia, mindfuckery
Summary: When Ueda learns he has a stalker, Kame promises to make sure nothing happens to him.
Author's Note: 12750 words. For yuumei_nata through fic_the_faith 2011. Exponential thanks goes to reiicharu, without whom there would seriously have been no fic, and to uepixie for the beta and encouragement! ♥♥♥♥ This fic is really different from anything else I've written, so it was difficult and yet exciting at the same time. I'm quite proud of how it turned out and I hope you enjoy it too. :) The title is from Nishikido Ryo's monologue. :)
There’s someone watching.
Ueda can feel it. Maybe he should be used it by now, since his job requires him to be constantly watched and looked at by other people, but this time, it’s different. It’s not that adoring gaze of a loving fan, or the curious look of someone trying to recognize why Ueda looks familiar. It’s just there, a dark presence he cannot escape. The kind that makes his spine tingle in heightened awareness, like something, someone, is going to jump out at him from the shadows.
It’s a strange feeling, one that he can’t quite shake, even when he’s surrounded by people. It’s the worst when he’s alone, because it no longer feels like he’s by himself. It feels like someone is there, around the corner, standing behind him, hidden somewhere just out of his vision that no matter where he looks, how fast he turns to catch them in the act, there’s no one there.
Of course there isn’t, he tells himself. How could anyone get into his home, anyway? Ueda prides himself on being very secretive and extremely cautious. He’s good at not getting caught in the papers, or followed by stalker fans. But this time he can’t stop feeling like there’s someone always watching him, when he’s at home, when he’s in the car, when he’s on the train, even when he’s just walking down the streets.
He’s getting worried, the longer this seems to go on, convinced that something is wrong. Kame tells him that he’s crazy. “If someone were there, I think you’d have noticed by now. Or at least, one of your dogs would’ve barked their heads off,” he points out and Ueda feels a sliver of hope. Kame can tell he’s not entirely convinced, and laughs, “Unless it’s one of us. But then you’d be screwed because you’d never be able to escape.”
Ueda laughs at that, finally feeling stupid about his paranoia. And not that he ever considered the possibility that it could be anyone in KAT-TUN, he remembers with certainty that they’re all too busy to be stalking each other anyway.
And for awhile, Ueda forgets about it.
Then it gets worse. It’s like uneasiness has seized his very core, holding on so fiercely that Ueda can’t think straight anymore. Everywhere he goes he feels like he’s under constant surveillance, but when he looks, he can’t find anyone, not even a tiny indication that he’s actually being watched.
Ueda starts to think he’s going insane. It makes him jumpy, reserved and quieter than normal when he’s with the other members.
“This isn’t about you thinking you’re being stalked, is it?” Kame asks one day when Ueda’s silence starts to unnerve the rest of KAT-TUN.
Ueda winces, especially when the other three stop what they’re doing to look at him in surprise.
“You’re being stalked?!” Nakamaru exclaims instantly, a worried look crossing over his face.
Ueda shakes his head. “I don’t know,” he says honestly, feeling confused. “I just feel like something is off.”
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Taguchi says optimistically, smiling for effect, but even his cheerfulness can’t ebb the uneasiness in Ueda’s veins.
“Besides,” Koki says, “if someone were to attack you, you’re practically a pro-boxer! You could beat them to a pulp in five seconds.”
The others laugh good-naturedly at that and Ueda cracks a smile for their benefit while inside he still feels like a child wanting to hide.
--
Ueda would like to think he’s stronger than this, but as the days go on and the feeling doesn’t leave him, he realizes that maybe he really isn’t. And that actually frightens him more than the knowledge that there might be someone out there, watching his every move, following him home to work, from work to home.
He thinks he’s going completely insane and it’s ruining all of his focus. Work becomes difficult to concentrate on and not even spending a few hours at the gym or working on music can take his mind off the uneasiness in his veins.
“I don’t know what to do,” he confesses, almost whispering into the mouthpiece of his cell phone. He’s curled up in a corner of his bed, leaning back against the head board. Every light in his apartment is turned on even though it’s past two in the morning, but Ueda can’t sleep. He doesn’t remember the last time he was able to without waking up at the slightest noise, the tiniest thought that someone is there.
“Just ignore it,” Kame tells him a little unhelpfully. “You know there’s no one there.”
“I know,” Ueda says. “But I can’t shake this feeling.”
Kame sighs and then says in a soothing voice, “Do you want to come stay with me for awhile?”
Ueda swallows thickly and forces himself not to jump up and accept Kame’s offer instantly. He still has some pride, even if most of it has been demolished by his paranoia. “Is that okay?” he asks instead. “I don’t want to drag you into this.”
Kame laughs and that’s comforting, Ueda’s fright easing out of his system. “I wouldn’t be offering if it was a problem, Tacchan,” Kame says.
“Thanks, Kame,” Ueda says with a relieved sigh.
“I’ll leave the door unlocked for you. You can use the spare room. Just come over right now. I’m going back to sleep.”
“Sure,” Ueda says and thanks him once more before he quickly gathers up clothes, his tooth brush and anything else he might need for work the next day before shutting off the lights in his apartment and heading down to his car.
Even in the elevator, completely alone, he still feels like he’s being watched. He’s restless on the drive to Kame’s, once again unable to shake the feeling that he’s never truly alone. He knows it’s ridiculous and that if he could just convince himself that much this would go away, but as soon as he starts to relax, even a little, the paranoia comes back, ten times stronger.
Kame’s door is unlocked as he said it would be, and Ueda locks every lock on it before he slips out of his shoes and heads inside. In the spare room across from Kame’s own bedroom he sees a futon laid out for him, pillows and blankets resting on top, and and smiles at Kame’s thoughtfulness. He makes himself comfortable and lies awake for at least an hour, eventually the knowledge that he’s not alone, that Kame’s just down the hall, that he’s actually trying to help him through his moment of ridiculous fear, lulls Ueda to the best sleep he’s had in weeks.
--
He spends a few days with Kame and falls into a sense of security. He doesn’t feel that uneasiness anymore and it’s the best feeling ever. He can actually sleep, doesn’t frighten himself with the prospect that someone unwelcome is hiding around every corner, and manages to regain his life back.
He laughs it off with the others, can’t believe he let something so ridiculous scare him like that, and after a week, insists that he can go back home. As a thanks, he invites Kame back with him after work one night for dinner and they’re chatting happily as Ueda unlocks the door to his apartment and steps aside to let Kame in first.
They both freeze when Kame steps on the large manila envelope lying in the genkan, the envelope that was definitely not there the day before when they’d stopped by for Ueda to pick up a few things. Ueda shuts the door behind him as Kame grabs the envelope and opens it while Ueda slips out of his jacket.
“What is it?” he asks, only slightly curious, but when Kame doesn’t respond, he freezes, one arm still in his coat sleeve. “Kame?” He looks over at Kame who is staring with wide eyes at something in his hands and then suddenly seems to snap out of it, trying to quickly shove whatever it is back into the envelope.
“I don’t think you should see this,” he says, his voice frantic, and Ueda’s stomach jumps to his throat.
“Give it to me,” he demands, holding out a hand, but Kame shakes his head, backing away so Ueda can’t get to it. But Ueda doesn’t give up that easily, reaching around Kame to grab the envelope he’s trying to hide behind his back. Kame’s gotten much stronger and they actually end up in a bit of a struggle until Ueda finally manages to successfully snatch the envelope from Kame’s hand.
“Ueda-” Kame starts but Ueda’s pulled the contents out of the envelope, finding a large photo of himself printed on shiny paper. He recognizes it from two days ago, when he’d come home to get another change of clothes. It’s taken just outside his apartment; a side profile shot of himself while on the phone, he’d been talking to Nakamaru, hadn’t even once felt that tingling restlessness that had plagued him for weeks before.
“No,” Ueda breathes, that feeling hitting him hard now, like he’s been struck by it upside the head. His fingers curl tightly into the photo, crumpling it loudly as he loses his stance and nearly falls on his ass. Thankfully, Kame grabs him just before he does, helping him further into the house and sitting him down on the couch.
Kame wrenches the photo out of Ueda’s vice-like grip and tosses it onto the coffee table. He says nothing and Ueda’s glad, doesn’t know what he wants to hear. He drops his face into his hands and feels his shoulder shake with tremors. He jumps when Kame grips his shoulder and Ueda turns to look at him, and Kame’s eyes are soft with concern.
“Don’t worry,” Kame says when Ueda is at a loss, “we’re going to figure something out.”
--
Not even an hour later, the rest of KAT-TUN are situated around Ueda’s dining table, all wearing various looks of confusion and fright. Ueda is curled up in a chair, legs drawn up to his chest, his mug of tea untouched before him.
“Shouldn’t we go to the cops or something?” Nakamaru says finally, worry etched in his face.
“Is there anything they can do right now anyway? When whatever sick fuck is doing this hasn’t actually shown himself?” Koki questions.
“It’s probably a stalker fan,” Taguchi says quietly.
“Yeah,” Kame agrees and adds darkly, “The police might just tell us there’s nothing they can do, we should be used to it since we’re idols.” He glowers down at his tea, fingers tightening around his mug.
“What the fuck should we do then?” Koki practically shouts. “We can’t just do nothing.”
Nakamaru nods instantly. “I agree. We, we have to do something.” He glances at Ueda who hasn’t said a word since he and Kame found the photo an hour ago. “What do you think, Ueda?”
Ueda peers up at all of them, glad that they’re all there, worrying about him, but feeling helpless that he can’t somehow ease their concern, can’t just brush it off and act like this isn’t bothering him. They’ve all dealt with crazy fans but something like this has never happened before. He wishes he could be stronger, pull himself and the others through this, but with the appearance of that photo makes everything real. Before it was just his own paranoia, his mind waving a red flag at him relentlessly but there was never any proof that he wasn’t just making things up. But now. Now the proof was laying in the middle of the table, glaring up at all of them screaming look at me, look at me, I do exist and Ueda has never felt more frightened before in his life.
“Ueda?” Taguchi says and Ueda blinks a few times, returning to reality and shakes his head.
“I don’t know, you guys. I don’t know what to do,” he whispers.
“Well, at the very least, you should move out,” Koki says firmly and the others acknowledge their agreement. That is until Kame shakes his head and says, “No, he’s going to stay with me.”
Ueda turns surprised eyes at Kame, but the youngest member of the group looks back at him with determination. “You don’t have to-” Ueda starts but Kame cuts him off.
“I know that, but I want to. You shouldn’t be left alone right now.” He smiles warmly at Ueda and adds, “I don’t think you want to be alone right now either.”
He’s right. But Ueda won’t give in that easily and shakes his head again. “I don’t want to drag you into this. Who knows what could happen if I-”
“Oh, Tacchan,” Kame laughs, “do you really think we’re not going to be dragged into this? No one can do something like this to one of us without getting all of us involved.”
“That’s right,” Nakamaru jumps in to say. “You’re not alone, Ueda.”
Ueda opens his mouth to argue, to say something, because the very last thing he wants is to end up making his friends possible targets to whatever this stalker wants from him. He doesn’t want any of them to get hurt because of him. But what ends up coming you, as he looks at all of their now smiling, confident, caring faces is a mumbled, “Thank you.”
--
He talks to management the next morning. Johnny stares at the photo of Ueda that had been slipped under his door for a few long minutes before turning his beady gaze onto Ueda himself.
“I’ll take care of this,” he says in a low, firm voice. “You continue to focus on work. Do not let this get to you, and do not let anyone know. Who does know?”
“Just KAT-TUN,” he says and Johnny nods.
“Keep it that way,” Johnny says. “If anything else happens, notify me immediately.”
Ueda promises he will and takes his leave, feeling slightly better knowing that Johnny will use his vast range of resources to figure out what the hell is going on.
In the meantime, he keeps Johnny’s words in mind, repeating them like a mantra over and over again. Do not let this get to you. He can’t afford to let this mess him up. He tells himself he’s stronger than this, that he can get through this, and it’s enough to make it through another day of photo shoots and interviews and meetings.
The other members are like his lifelines. They each seem to take turns to check up on him, talk with him and keep his mind off of that rippling restlessness that’s seized him once again.
But no one is more intuitive and caring than Kame, who is looking after Ueda like it’s his sole mission in life. Ueda won’t admit that he’s scared, not aloud, even though he is. But Kame seems to understand his resistance to talk about this and treats Ueda like it’s any other day, like he doesn’t possibly have a dangerous stalker trailing his every movement. For that, Ueda is eternally grateful. All he wants is to forget about what’s happening, to get control of his life back, and Kame helps him do that.
Ueda unofficially moves in with Kame. He brings over some clothes and other necessities from his place and takes over the extra room in Kame’s apartment. Living together with Kame is a new challenge, but one that Ueda gladly welcomes. It keeps his mind off of everything else, abiding by Kame’s rather OCD rules and maintaining the peace between them. The last thing he wants is to be a hassle to Kame who has been relentlessly supportive throughout this whole ordeal.
A week goes by without incident, the uneasiness subsiding, but Ueda won’t let himself be fooled this time. He’s certain that whoever is behind this is just biding his or her time, waiting until he’s let his guard down before striking again. That’s how it happened before; he was starting to feel relaxed again when the photo showed up. He wonders just how closely he’s being watched, if his stalker knows he’s living with Kame.
He certainly hopes not. They’ve taken precautions. Ueda doesn’t care if his stalker knows he no longer stays at his own apartment, but he can’t afford to let his stalker know he’s with Kame instead. They leave at separate times, use separate cars and never return together. It’s a pain in the ass, but Ueda occasionally returns to his apartment for a few hours, only to leave through the back, making sure to disguise himself until he’s virtually unrecognizable, before he takes a taxi to Kame’s. It’s the only thing they can do, right now.
His worry is proven to be true when at the end of the second week he’s been living with Kame, another envelope like the first one is waiting in the genkan yet again. Ueda’s returned before Kame who has extra meetings for a possible drama role coming up. He feels incredibly alone when he sees the envelope there, frozen to his spot against the door.
He tries to keep his calm but it fails, and fright grips him so hard he locks everything on the door and then carefully makes his way through Kame’s apartment, turning on all the lights, checking to make sure the window are closed (even though Kame lives on the 15th floor). Then he returns to the genkan and cautiously picks up the envelope between two fingers like it’s going to burn him. He heads to his room and sits down at the foot of the bed. His hands shake as he holds the envelope and stares down at it. It’s plain, unaddressed, just like the first one, and his heart is loud in his ears as he takes a deep breath, rips it open, and pulls out the contents.
He drops it when he sees it; it falls to the floor at his feet. Another photograph, but this time it’s him and Kame, chatting amiably together on their way into Kame’s apartment the previous weekend. Across the bottom in bright red, the words Don’t try to run, I’ll find you. are written, cutting through him like a knife and Ueda can’t even move, can’t get up and throw the stupid thing away. Instead he sits silently on his bed, eyes unable to tear away from the photograph, from those haunting words.
That’s how Kame finds him almost an hour later, rushing over when Ueda isn’t even able to reply to his Tadaima. He doesn’t even have to ask, his gaze following Ueda’s to the floor and he walks in briskly, still in his coat, his bag slung over his shoulder, and picks it up. He takes one look and glares with disgust, crumpling it up into a ball and throwing it into the trash.
That seems to shake Ueda out of his trance, sucking in a deep breath as if he’s just been revived from having too much water in his lungs. He turns wide, frightened eyes onto Kame who grips Ueda by his shoulders and says firmly, “When did that get here?”
It takes a moment for Ueda to find his voice to speak and when he does, it’s quiet and small, and he scares him a little, just how much this is affecting him. “It was in the genkan when I got back,” he says. “Kame, what, what am I supposed to do?”
Ueda’s eyes widen when Kame actually hugs him, holding himself close, comforting and kind and there, and Ueda really tries hard not to let the flood of emotions break free, not yet, he has to be stronger than this.
“Don’t worry, Tacchan,” Kame says when he pulls away, smiling for effect, and that’s comforting, too. Kame’s smile makes Ueda think that everything really will be okay. “We’re going to figure this out. Don’t worry.”
Ueda nods slowly, lost and scared and unable to say anything else, and lets Kame’s care and comfort pull him back into that sense of security yet again.
--
“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me,” Jin is demanding angrily through video on Ueda’s laptop.
“How did you even find out?” Ueda questions, smiling only a little. It’s nice to see Jin again, they haven’t had a chance to talk for awhile since he’d gone back to America to work on his upcoming debut.
“I have my ways,” Jin says smugly and Ueda reads between the lines, stares at him expectantly, an eyebrow raised until Jin caves and says, “Okay, fine, I was talking to Nakamaru last night and he spilled it when I told him I had no idea what was going on. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me, Uebo.”
Now he looks hurt and Ueda feels a little guilty. “Sorry,” he says, “but I haven’t exactly been thinking clearly lately.”
Jin nods. “Right,” he says, frowning. “Are you okay?”
“What do you think?” Ueda says lightly, even though he’s really a hundred times worse than he was the day before, and the day before that. He’s beginning to withdraw into himself as the days pass, especially since four days ago another photograph appeared in the genkan, just like the previous two. Just another photo of him taken outside on his way to work. It frightened him inexplicably because it hadn’t even been three days since the second one had arrived before he received the third. Whoever is doing this is getting impatient, more determined to scare Ueda out of his wits. And the worst thing about it all is that it’s working.
“Okay, stupid question,” Jin says, cutting through Ueda’s thoughts and Ueda lets out a small laugh. “Seriously, though, Ueda, you have to be careful. This is really bad. And you need to know you can’t trust everyone. Whoever this asshole is that’s stalking you is closer to you than you think.”
Ueda rolls his eyes. “I think you’ve been watching too many American crime shows over there.” When Jin’s expression doesn’t change, and Ueda sighs. “It’s probably just an anti-fan or something, Jin.”
“I don’t know,” Jin says quietly. “I just think you need to be-” He cuts himself off, leaning forward into his computer screen as if trying to push his way through it. Ueda stares back with confusion but before he can say anything though Jin demands, “Where are you? Are you at Kame’s?”
Ueda blinks, surprised that Jin can recognize Kame’s extra room. “Uh, yeah,” he says carefully. “I’ve been staying with him for a few weeks now.”
Now Jin looks furious. “Are you out of your mind?” he exclaims, eyes blazing through the computer screen. “Kame has been helping you?”
“Yes,” Ueda says firmly, not understanding Jin’s anger. “He’s been really nice and caring since this all started-”
“Of course he has,” Jin hisses, almost talking to himself now, paying Ueda no attention. “Fucking Kame.” He looks back up at Ueda suddenly, and Ueda actually leans away from the screen, surprised by Jin’s rage. “Listen, Ueda, you can’t stay there, you need to get out, you-”
He doesn’t hear what else Jin has to tell him because his laptop is slammed shut and Ueda jumps, finding Kame standing beside him, a hand on top of his computer and a cold, dark look in his eyes.
“Kame,” Ueda says, “what the hell are you doing?”
“Protecting you,” Kame says firmly, picking up Ueda’s laptop and holding it to his chest. “You can’t be talking to him.”
“To Jin?” Ueda says, utterly confused. “Why the fuck not?”
“You can’t trust anyone,” Kame says slowly, like he’s explaining this to a child, and Ueda seethes inside at the way he’s being treated before Kame’s actual words click in his brain.
Then he laughs, looking at Kame incredulously. “Do you really think Jin is behind this?”
“I don’t know,” Kame admits, the anger in his eyes slowly fading away to concern. “But you can’t trust anyone. I heard what he said, didn’t it seem like he was accusing me just now?”
Ueda stares at him, even more confused than he’s been since this whole thing began. He doesn’t know what to think and groans, putting his face in his hands. “Are you saying I can’t trust you, either?” he questions eventually.
“No,” Kame says. “Of course you can trust me.” He grins, and it makes Ueda feel a little better, even though it doesn’t reach his eyes as usual. “I have better things to do than stalk you.”
Ueda makes a skeptic noise but laughs when Kame glares. “Okay, okay,” he says. “I get your point. I have to be more careful.”
“You do,” Kame says and sighs. “We’re all worried, Ueda. Just think about it. I think Akanishi’s right. More than likely, this is someone you know. Why would a fan try so hard to scare you? It doesn’t really fit.”
“But I don’t know anyone who would want to scare me either!” Ueda exclaims, frustrated, because this feels like the hundredth time he’s talked to Kame about this, going through everyone he knows, has ever met or talked to, even once, trying to think of the one person he might’ve been a little rude to, did something to, anything, but time and time again he comes up empty-handed.
“Well, keep thinking,” Kame says shortly, and Ueda can tell he’s starting to get frustrated about all of this, too. He puts Ueda’s laptop back down after he gets Ueda to promise not to call Jin back, at least not right now. Ueda doesn’t understand but he gives in just to get Kame to stop being so weirdly overprotective. Kame seems to notice though, sighing as he combs a hand through his hair and says, “I’m sorry. I just don’t want you to get hurt because of this, Tacchan.”
“I know,” Ueda replies a little stiffly, growing tired of everything, tired of being scared, of not knowing what to do, what exactly is going on, how bad this is and how cautious he should be.
“I’ll leave you alone,” Kame says, and Ueda smiles gratefully, collapsing onto his bed as Kame takes his leave, and doesn’t notice when he looks back over his shoulder worriedly before he shuts the door after him.
--
Ueda does think about it. For the next few days it’s all he does, taking Jin’s words and Kame’s and running through them over and over in his head. What they said makes absolute sense, he does need to be more careful, and he really shouldn’t trust everyone and anything he hears. Of course the people he does trust are the only people he’s been regularly seeing. He hasn’t mentioned any of this to his family because he doesn’t want to worry them, and other than Johnny and his manager, the only people who know about what’s happening is the members of KAT-TUN, including Jin.
And that’s where Ueda grows frustrated, suspicious. He doesn’t want to be, but, thinking about it now, how can he trust what Jin said? Jin, who had started to accuse Kame of what’s been going on. Kame, who has been Ueda’s pillar of support throughout everything. Why would he do something like that? They should be trusting each other; Ueda trusts them, all of them, can’t imagine any one of them trying to hurt him. Besides, he’s with Kame a lot more now than before and he sees first-hand just how busy the younger man is. Kame, out of all of them, would never have the time to seriously stalk someone.
And besides, if he was, he’d be a pretty pathetic stalker considering Ueda’s been living with him for weeks now and he hasn’t gone crazy on him yet (excluding slamming his laptop shut mid-conversation with Jin). Ueda laughs, thinking about. It can’t be Kame. It can’t be any of them. Right?
But the more he contemplates and mulls it over, the more confused he gets. How exactly did Jin find out about Ueda’s stalker, especially when Johnny made it clear not to let anyone outside of KAT-TUN know, and that technically meant Jin in that moment. Jin had said Nakamaru told him, but would Nakamaru really go against Johnny’s orders like that to inform Jin about what was happening? Especially since Jin is in America and can’t actually do anything?
And that’s another thing; how could it be Jin? Jin’s across the fucking ocean, with much more important things on his plate than scaring his ex-bandmate.
Then…Nakamaru, why would he tell Jin about this when he knows it should be kept secret? Of course, it’s Jin, so it’s staying within the six of them, and Nakamaru’s just probably worried, but…something about it feels weird to Ueda. Nakamaru doesn’t seem like the person who would ignore direct orders to keep something this vital under lock and key.
As the days go on, Ueda starts to become more and more suspicious of nearly everyone around him, everyone except Kame because, really, Kame would be the world’s worst stalker if he had Ueda in his apartment and didn’t do anything. Of course, there’s the possibility that perhaps he’s the best stalker, and he’s only biding his time.
Ueda doesn’t think so, not with Kame. Because Kame makes him laugh and smile and watches over him in the completely friendly, caring manner that has Ueda looking forward to returning to his apartment everyday, no matter how much living with Kame can be a bit of a pain. Kame is a little too overprotective, but he’s always been that way, even when they were juniors and used to get into fights, he would step in between Ueda and anyone who had something bad to say, so much stronger than Ueda could’ve ever hoped to be back then.
And he’s still like that, protecting Ueda from this invisible stalker who, yet again, sends another envelope. Kame doesn’t let him see it, his way of protection. Ueda tries to get it from him, but he gives up quickly because, really, he doesn’t want to see it, either, and because he’s too tired to try. This whole ordeal is taking an almost death-defying toll on him. His suspicions about his closest friends make him lose his appetite, his stalker finally confronting him makes him lose his sleep, and he’s becoming a shell of the person he once was, closing in on himself as the days trudge on.
But more of them keep coming, now only a day or two between the arrivals and it’s getting hard to hide his hysteria inside. Kame’s getting busier and is rarely in the apartment when Ueda is, and normally it wouldn’t matter, but now Ueda can’t stand being alone. He feels it, that presence stronger than ever before, pulling him deeper into the darkness with grips so strong and relentless he can barely fight it.
He’s curled on the floor of Kame’s living room one night when Kame’s still out working on Going. Kame refuses Ueda to call anyone else over to hang out with him, even more paranoid than Ueda that one of KAT-TUN, one of their friends is really the stalker. So Ueda sits alone, a few cans of beers open and empty on the glass coffee table. Kame will bitch at him for not using coasters but Ueda doesn’t care, feeling tiny, terrified, and alone.
The television is on the news because the silence in the apartment makes Ueda even more jumpy than usual, but then again, every time he hears Ran walking around, he jumps anyway. His own dogs are at with his parents, after giving them a quickly made-up excuse, and he wishes he had them to keep him company at least.
Drinking helps. Ueda doesn’t get drunk very often, it’s not really his style, but right now he can’t help it, just about clearly Kame out of beer before starting in on the hard liquor in his cabinet. Like this he finds his dilemma almost entirely amusing, laughing at himself for getting so completely paranoid, for letting himself get so trashed like this because of it, even hating himself a little for seriously considering his friends to be behind it.
And that’s when he hears noises from the doorway, his head snapping over, everything stilling, as he strains his ears to listen. It’s not Kame, he can tell instantly, because Kame makes a lot of noise when he comes home late, too tired to try to be quiet, and his keyring clangs loudly with the number of things he has on it.
This is different, Ueda can feel it, the uneasiness punching him in the stomach as his fright starts to wear away his drunkenness. He doesn’t dare to move, listening to the sounds until they suddenly just stop, and the only thing he hears is the television in the background.
Swallowing thickly, he gets to his feet, almost falling back to the floor in his uncoordinated haze, but finally making it to the genkan. And there it is, another envelope, sitting right on the floor like always. Ueda’s eyes widen and he stares at it for a few seconds before rushing to the door and yanking it open, then pausing to undo all the locks before he pulls it open for real.
His heart is thundering in his ears as he scans the hallway. It’s completely empty. Whoever was there has vanished already, and Ueda feels a sinking sensation in the pit of his belly. He pulls the door closed slowly and locks it back up again before he picks up the envelope again and returns to his spot on the floor by the couch.
It’s the first time one of the envelopes have arrived while Ueda was there, or awake, to see hear it. And he did hear it. He heard someone there, someone slipping the envelope under the door. It’s real his mind tells him, and it’s haunting, sending a chill up his spine as his fingers clench the sides of the envelope in his hands.
He shouldn’t open it. He hasn’t seen the last five that have been sent to him because Kame takes them away from before he can. He should toss this one away too, he knows it, but he’s drunk and he’s curious and he can’t help but rip it open and pull out yet another photograph.
And this time it’s of him with Kame and Taguchi in the dressing room of their latest photo shoot. Ueda continues to stare at it, sick to his stomach, because this is the first photo he’s seen where his stalker has actually been somewhere inaccessible, or at least, Ueda never thought his stalker could find his way into restricted buildings unless…he really is someone that close to him.
But he’s gone through the lists a hundred times in his mind. From the members to the staff he sees daily and nothing has ever seemed off about anyone. But now, with this photo in his hands, what else is there to believe? It has to be someone more closely connected to him than he ever thought before and the idea scares him so completely he doesn’t know what to do.
It takes him awhile to tear his eyes away from the photo, shove it back into the envelope and throw it across the room. It doesn’t get very far despite his attempt to lunge it as hard as he could, but at least he can’t reach it from where he is. He pours himself another glass of some awful drink Kame had in his apartment, and drinks half of it in one go. He waits a few moments and then downs the rest.
When Kame returns a half hour later, Ueda’s a bit of a mess. Kame takes one look at him, surprised and even slightly repulsed (Ueda doesn’t blame him) before he notices the envelope on the floor where Ueda had thrown it earlier.
“When did this get here?” Kame demands, picking it up from the floor. When he notices it’s been opened, he glares at Ueda. “Why did you open it? Didn’t I tell you not to anymore?”
Ueda pouts at him, drawing his knees up to his chest. “Sorry,” he mumbles, voice a bit of a slur. “I couldn’t help it.”
“When did it get here?” Kame asks again.
Ueda shrugs. “Awhile ago,” he says indifferently. “And no, I didn’t see who put it there.”
Kame scowls, staring at the photograph before he sets it down on the coffee table and comes around to sit beside Ueda. “What’re you doing, Tacchan?” he asks.
“What do you mean?” Ueda replies, even though he knows exactly what Kame’s asking.
“This,” Kame says, gesturing to the empty bottles and cans, to Ueda’s disheveled appearance. “Have you been drinking all night like this?”
The worry in his voice makes Ueda sick again. He feels awful for making everyone so worried. So worried over him because he’s not strong enough to deal with it on his own. It doesn’t matter how much they insist they want to help, it makes him feel useless, pathetic, that he can’t do anything but let it affect him so much that he ends up like this.
And now it’s at the surface, right there were he can’t hold it back anymore, not when Kame’s watching him with concern, not after he’s spent the whole night completely alone and even more frightened than before. Not when he’s been going back and forth between being suspicious of his friends and then despising himself for even considering it, no matter how plausible it could be. And all of this is frustrating, the fact that he doesn’t know what to do or how to deal with it, that he’s certain if he tries to speak, the dams he build to block everything inside will crumble around him and he’ll drown in his own fears and insecurities.
“Ueda?” Kame says, now sounding a little frantic when Ueda curls up on himself even more, resting his forehead upon his knees, shoulders shaking with the effort not to cry. Kame’s arms that embrace him are warm and they remind him that he really isn’t alone. Kame has been there for him the entire time in a way Ueda never could’ve imagined.
He doesn’t really know what he’s doing, but he’s turning, leaning his head onto Kame’s shoulder, relaxing in his arms around him. “I’m scared,” he admits, for the first time out loud, to anyone. “I don’t know what to do.”
Kame holds him tighter, his fingers burn Ueda’s where they press against the skin above his elbow. “I know,” he replies quietly yet his voice seems to echo throughout the room, even drowning out the television that continues to play undaunted. “I know,” he says again. “I am too. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
Ueda giggles a little because he still is exceedingly drunk. “Kame is so nice,” he says lightly. “What would I do without Kame?”
“Just how much have you drunk tonight?” Kame inquires, amused, as he leans back enough to meet Ueda’s dazed eyes.
“Not that much,” Ueda insists. “Really,” he adds when Kame stares at him expectantly.
“Then who drank all of this?” Kame asks, gesturing to the bottles and cans on the coffee table.
“Ran-chan,” Ueda replies without missing a beat and then dissolves into another round of giggles.
Kame seems to be trying hard not to laugh, giving into a tiny smile as he tries to stand up but Ueda won’t relinquish his grip so he drags him up to his feet as well. “Okay, Ueda, we’re going to bed,” Kame says, guiding Ueda back to his own room.
“This is your room,” Ueda says, looking around as though he’s never been in it before. Then he gasps, “You want to sleep with me.”
Kame rolls his eyes. “Get in,” he says instead of gracing Ueda’s accusation with an actual response. Ueda gets into bed without question, sighing contently as his head hits the pillow and his eyes start to close. When Kame starts to leave, Ueda quickly grabs his wrist and pulls him close until Kame’s staring down at him, face inches from Ueda’s.
“Where are you going?” Ueda asks, his voice now completely frantic, not wanting to be left alone, not now when Kame has finally come back.
Kame seems to notice because he says, “Nowhere,” and pushes at Ueda until Ueda moves to the other side of the bed. Kame strips out of his jeans and shirt and slides in beside him and Ueda instantly grabs for his hand again.
“Don’t leave,” Ueda whispers and Kame nods.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he promises and stays awake, an arm around Ueda’s shoulders, until Ueda falls asleep.
part two