Chapter 17: Unforgiven
That is what the papers posted shortly before I confronted Lucas. I couldn't contain my shock that they thought it an accident. He had been in a doorless/stairless room! There had been no escape, and the fire had started mysteriously.
I'm sorry, I don't mean to be so angry, but the love I felt for Bryan will never be replaced. I had not planned on finding and loving him. It just happened. And now he was gone.
After Lucas had his trial, and was sentenced to death, the family tried their hardest to move on. When Lucas' book "Confessions of a Sim Killer" came out, I was devastated. How could anyone publish that? I thought about suing the publisher, but Mom talked me out of it. In the end, I think she felt a little guilty herself.
In an attempt to find answers within herself about how Lucas could have gone so bad, she spent most of her days meditating. She didn't realize that by doing this, she was cutting us out. Everyone needed her, I was too broken to give any kind of help to my kids.
My only relief was taking care of Anne. The other three could feed and bath themselves, but Anne, she needed me. Because of her I was able to crawl out of my personal darkness, and not so much 'move on', but at least start to exist again.
There are times late at night when we all hear footsteps on the stairs. I can almost feel Bryan's presence, but I am too frightened to investigate. What if he blames me too for his death?
I just hope that one day he can find peace, even if I am unable to do the same.
Time seemed to just fly by, and before I knew it, my little baby was now a little toddler! She was just so bright, and eager to learn. I enjoyed the time we spent together as she continued to grow.
Perhaps in my grief, I forgot about Glen, Allan and Mulan's needs. They just seemed to find things to do, ways to ignore their own pain.
The boys had each other, and I felt a sharp pain watching them together. I wondered how Moonbeam was doing, and made a larger effort to visit with family and see for myself. After all, didn't family connections, or lack of, cause this tragedy?
While out and about in town, Glen ran into Teddy's son with the Funke girl. He had Jean's hair! I looked at my own children and wondered why it hadn't passed onto any of them.
The event that really got me out of my grief was when Mulan aged up. I missed it, I was so focused on other things.
She was just lovely. The Landgraab chin was still strong, marking her as part of the family.
Mom reached the top of the martial arts skill set, and spent most of her time either meditating or breaking stone boards. "It helps keep my mind clear, and the voices at bay." Is what she would tell me.
I found myself missing all the time we used to spend together. I missed so much from the times before, well, before Bryan died.
The kids were all getting to be so much more mature then I had ever hoped for them to be. It made me really sad to think that it took the death of their father to make them seem so much wiser. It just didn't seem right or fair for them to lose their childhoods this way.
The kids were at school when Mom and I threw a party for little Anne. Mom was now over 104 days old, I was afraid she would leave me before I was ready. But who is ever ready for that?
She must have had an inkling because she started to go around, making a point to spend time with each of the grand kids.
In the end though, I think Anne was her favorite.
Sometimes she would sneak off to visit the family vault, morning Dad, her own true love.
And then it happened. It was early morning, and the kids were all getting ready for school.
She begged the Grim Reaper to let her stay, everyone still needed her after so much loss and grief. But, he would not relent. Mom was now gone.
The Grim Reaper, a being that reminded us mere mortals that he was always the last person we would see and have to answer to. I wonder if he will remind Lucas of all the pain he caused us.
Even with the loss of Mom, the kids continued on. They grew to accept it was just a part of life, something, even now I have trouble with.
When Mulan started using the treadmill, so much like her father, I broke down. Without the sounds of so much activity in the house during the day, I found myself falling deeper into depression.
I got a job to keep me sane. I work part time at the spa so I will be there if the kids needed me.
I also forced myself to be friendly. I insisted on keeping close to all my family, but I needed to meet some of the townsfolk. If we separate ourselves totally, we all can end up like Lucas. Poor Lucas. I am unable to forgive now little brother, but perhaps with the passing of time, I can learn to accept you and your actions.