Help with endings

Sep 16, 2010 12:29

Hey guys!

I've had a chapter of my story sitting aside for a while because the ending was driving me insane. I have it posted now, but I'm still not happy with the way I worded it. It got to a point where I just wanted to get it posted and done with.

I'm going to keep it how it is. I think it gets the picture across, just not very well. I wanted to ( Read more... )

genre: drama, post: story, rating: everyone

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Comments 3

naughtydolphin September 16 2010, 10:27:15 UTC
No sooner had Sax closed his eyes then he had fallen asleep.

I'd change it to something more like

As soon as Sax closed his eyes, he was asleep.

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teffielynne September 16 2010, 12:54:18 UTC
My suggestion is with the last sentence. I would use the past tense. Since something bad happened because of the telescope it would make more sense to say, "He had known no good would come of that god damned telescope."

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medleymisty September 16 2010, 22:09:10 UTC
Hmm - one thing I've learned to watch out for is my pronouns, and so the first thing that jumps out is maybe put Sax's name in the first sentence ( ... )

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