seeking connection yet withdrawing in every way from everyone around me. finding solace in the gaping hole that used to be my life. going through my day acting as though that smile on my face is genuine. but everyday is just like yesterday...and yesterday continues to grow worse.

so the thing with the mother went.....not so well, in my opinion. andy and i brought over some bochlava (spelling?...) which was actually pretty good. but for some reason i was still really tense. it didnt help that peter, the mothers "ex" (um..fuck that..theyr still doing shit) came over and the mother and him spent a good 15 minutes in the ( Read more... )

so here i am again on lj....in about 5 minutes ill be out the door again headed to andys place...and then to the mothers. problem is, i cant seem to find any hooks with which to pull my face into a smile ( Read more... )

today is the mothers birthday. well, not really. technically she doesnt have a birthday this year. or next year. but whatever. she wants andy and i to come over to her place and have a "family dinner" with her, the sister, and david. theres a chance he might bring one of his kids with him. in all honesty, i dont feel like meeting another new person ( Read more... )

while things seem to be improving...(or at least the good things are getting better, but the bad stays the same) i find myself slowly falling farther into this fucking black hole of self hatred and doubt. when i bother to look in the mirror...all i can see is my flaws..i see the scars through my sleeves and wonder sometimes if everyone else can as ( Read more... )

so....today started out with chipotle (burritooooo...fuck yeah) and then it was off to uptown with andy to see if there was any way i could pull off getting my eyebrow pierced. we got to st.sabrinas...went upstairs..and i talked to the guys for a while...they found a retainer for my nostril piercing...and i was like..fuck it..im doing this...so my ( Read more... )

lately ive been thinking of applying at the wedge in uptown...ive got to get the fuck out of this suburban hellhole...when im in the city..i feel like i belong there..its my place. and i think it always has been ( Read more... )

so....i got a new phone today. finally..my phone number is the same....and i intend to keep that number as long as i possibly can ( Read more... )

i dont know how i can say this in a way that will truly express how i feel.

....i...am so...fucking....cold.

end of entry.

ok, so sara accidentally fucked up on my raise thingy..instead of 9.45 im suposed to be making 8.45...sucks..but i dont really care. more money is more money ( Read more... )