Friday 27th end of class
Spring Show today in ID. And in Fibers because other people are cooler than me. I went to the Spring show reception at around 7pm today. Paul called me back as I was leaving the house. He told me about his summe job prospects and I encouraged him to go for the one that sounds like it will rake in a lot of resume fluff. It is a job at an organization that helps high schoolers get to college. A job at a place that is by college students and high schoolers for struggling high schoolers. A great job from what he told me. He was in a small funk where he was just feeling pretty blah even though he had no good reason to feel that way. But I apparently helped. Yay for being a good sister.
I got to the spring show and found no parking in the Gund. Not even parking that one could make up. But I got inside and got pretty tipsy on wine before I left the ID dept but then I saw Eoin. He came in to see the show and passed by me talking to someone. He was already in conversation but I know he saw me, we looked at each other, and then .... he ignored me. Eoin passed me, ignored my existence and I deserved it. I have never felt such shame. He really is a great teacher. He understood me the moment I was in his class. He just knew what I needed to hear. And this evening he ignored me. Shame, pathetic. I was the sorriest person in that building. I deserved it. But I will be a good person. A good student. I will find him and say everything that I need to. I will tell him everything I have been thinking of saying for months. I will apologize for everything. I will say that I am sad person, in more ways than one. I will tell him that I let him down, and myself. I will tell him that I didn't mean to do it, I just let it happen despite my better judgement. I will tell him that it won't be happening next year, my fifth year. I will tell him that I never meant to lose respect from anyone but that I deserved too because I lost my own respect. I will let everything out. Maybe not exactly to Eoin because he doesn't know me that well but somehow it will all come out. All my horrible shame, depression, and disappointment will flow out of me when I finally get to talk to Eoin. It will make me feel better once I finally say something to him. Maybe I will find him at Mike's BFA Review, maybe I will just see him that day in the factory, maybe I will see in factory randomly during BFA week, maybe I will have to actively look for him next week, whatever! However I find him, I will say lots, maybe not everything, but I will say enough.
Specifically how it hit me tonight..... When I noticed him enough to see that he wasn't going to look at me I felt all the idiocy of this semester come rushing back to me. I was feeling the tipsy just as I saw him and the shame crept upon me so fast I got really fearful of tears. I felt them fill my eyes and my head, just before the alcohol did, and I'm so surprised that I didn't cry when I told Amy to head upstairs without me. He came down the hall near us just before she headed toward the stairs for Fibers, then I decided to send her up first, with me following a few minutes later. I watched him chat with a student, then he was done and I started to go over there but he began talking to someone else already. I ran around the other way through the dept., instead of down the hallway the way he was going, so I could watch him come towards me, rather than be behind him. But I started to get so scared than I was going to cry that I waited too long. He was already walking away from the person, when I could have gone to him but everything rushed back to him and I couldn't handle talking to him. I ran away. I headed toward Fiber. I had to get away and feel better. As I came outside of Fibers I was feeling my second glass of red wine and feeling more of my painful disappointment set in and I had to find Amy. I was feeling happier with the white wine in my system and Alison (fibers teacher from last semester) praising my awesome gold purse. I forgot about my shame for the rest of the night. I went to the ID spring show-post-party, held by some 5th year, without Amy and looking really done up. Lipstick and eye make-up, looking intense with my slight dirty head pulled back, black button-down, lacey vest, black pants (from AX!!). I was fancy like the ID students at their party. I talked to Jansen, his friend Doug, Meg, and Kelly from my glass class. I got things from Meg for Amy and Alex. I had fun trying to talk to Phil, because I have a huge crush on him, I talked to Jeff about stupid shit, and I had a tequilla shot with Kelly. I drove home, felt cool. I gave Amy and Alex their stuff and it all came back. I remembered tha I should remember my Eoin-shame. I had to write it down.
Half way through this post I was under the influence of the "stuff" and so it has taken a long time to write. And even through that feeling, I have guilt. Guilt that I am in this state of mine when I should be trying to get myself back on track. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, terribly sorry for all the wrong I have done this semester. I've done the worst and it kills me. I'm almost crying now. It hurts so much and I'm just so sorry that I haven't fixed it yet. I'm sorry.
It all get better. I'm starting to feel better so I think I can finally fix something. But somehow I will do something. It can finaly happen. And I'm ready to admit that I need help to do so.
P.S. I've been so depressed that I finally fit into the Armani Exchange (AX) pants that Mom bought me for Christmas. That makes me too happy, its almost wrong!
Happy Birthday to my brother, Paul, today the 27th. He turned 20 but wasn't feeling too hot eihter. Love to him. I hope he feels a lot better than me!