why am I here
I feel like life is so fleeting. How many times have I waited to do something because I'm scared, or I fail to make a decision today because there will be a tomorrow. And a whole line of tomorrows adds up to important things never becoming reality. I can't do everything I want but I makes plans to be able to someday do them. Central Market is a cog in the wheel of where I need to be. And I'm glad for it but sometimes I can't see the picture so clearly. Where does law school come in? After gaining experience and money from being a paralegal. What am I goign to do as a lawyer? Depends on what I do as a paralegal. And what area of law am I going into? Whatever type of law that picks me up at this stage of my life. And this stage of my life is so turbulent, destructive, maleable. I press on and find my limits and trying to bend them as far as they can go and then do more.
I'm glad I'm living with my parents now because I don't know where my life is heading. I feel like running and there are so many things pulling me down. Shackles on my ankles and wrists. And I can feel them move. I don't know if I want to let them go. I have the power to cut them away. After I leave my parents' house I don't think I'll be able to hold on so tightly to their pain. I'll still be there but not like before. I don't think I can stay in Houston. Everywhere I look is painful memories.
I was talking to Andrew last night and he was all excited and I was excited for him about where he;s heading, and then I started talking about where I was heading and he fell silent and became critical. I can only assume it's his competitive spirit. Megan does the same thing. And my parents. Although they are more just indifferent. More emotional support for all this is so small sometimes. And these are all things that hold me down and smother my dreams. There's nothing stopping me but me. I let them infect my thoughts and I sleepwalk at night struggling to find my place and to make them happy and proud of me. I get more respect from strangers. And it's just so much easier to take the pain when someone is by your side to cheer you on, instead of whispereing that you'll fail in your ear.
I've given up before. I've lost myself in meaningless things. For years at a time. College was a black hole for me. No new friends. No new insights. Just a time to get older and a little wiser. Alone. And I keep thinking that everything before now has some special meaning to help me in the future. And a lot of it does help. The cancer has given me will power to not back down even when I'm going to lose. It gives me the will for everything I do. Whether it's to drown out the voices that whisper of their death or the drive to make what we can of life before they move on.
At work one guy calls me "law firm." Another one asks me to sing for him all the time. Another one says that I make her feel like she's lazy because I do so much. Everyone at school thinks I'm a top candidate for any paralegal opening. Most think I'm brilliant because I don't talk much, including the teachers. Customers think I absolutely love my job, and I don't contest their belief. The acapella group thinks it's okay to cancel practices without warning.
When I don't eat I'm cutting my dreams short. When I exercise I don't watch TV or read a book. I feel like I'm alive and present in the moment. I can hear my breath and feel the tension and pain. I can feel my body and I'm not numb or distracted. And I try to do that outside of yoga and work outs. It's a scary feeling sometimes. But here in the moment my parents aren't there. No ex-girlfriend. No Andrew. None of ya'll who listen to my midnight rambles. Not even my body if the moment lasts long enough. Just this moment. Fleeting. Gone.