i wasn't ready to let you go

[singingwren]

After a particularly disastrous weekend, I made sure to call my mom multiple times to say thank you for the thoughtful things she did and remind her that I was thinking of her. The first time I called she hung up on me; the second time, she dismissed me in a tearful voice and didn't let me talk very long. Then, the third time she started sobbing

Comments

hugs anna bannanna

[whereismypraire]

few families are perfect hon, and listening to yout alk of your mom reminds me of my own sometimes. she calls me crying and pleads with me to say that that's still my home.

but I can tell they both love you very much. just from the way you talk about them, and because of the vibrant woman you are.

I don't think your being selfish for exploring your dreams. your life has to be lived for you , and I'm sure they know that. never live it for anyone else.

Re: hugs anna bannanna

[singingwren]

Thank you. hugs.

[qorinda]

If you do not make you the strongest and best you that you can, you will be less for anyone else, including them.

I'd be lying to tell you that there aren't tears in my eyes right now, but sometimes, hard decisions need to be made, and it really is important to think about what would serve the most, what would be for the HIGHEST good, not just the immediate good.

*hug*

[singingwren]

*hugs* Thanks.

[smithing_chick]

Am I being selfish?

Ye Gods, NO!!!!! I know it hurts to see the people you love in pain but you're not being fair to yourself if you give up your life for them. In the end, it won't make any of you any happier or healthier. In fact, you'll likely be much *less* of both, as will your parents. They want you to succeed & your best gift to them would be doing just that.

[singingwren]

You're probably right. It's easier to believe it when I'm here as opposed to at home with them, though.

[chronarchy]

There are times you need to do things for yourself. There are times you need to go places others can't follow. There are times you need to put yourself first.

It's not selfish to do that, though others (or even yourself) might feel that's what you're doing. But you'll make the right choice, as you always have. Your path is your own, and you'll go far on it.

Leaving things behind isn't what you're doing. You're opening to new things, seeing new places, and going in new directions. That doesn't at all mean that you're giving up old ones. You never can. They will always be there, and so will you.

[singingwren]

I guess I am struggling with whether or not I NEED to put myself first in this way. After all, most people don't get masters degrees in my field. OSU is begging for me and I could attend Purdue for free. But I don't WANT (read: want) to go to grad school anywhere near, or to pursue sub-par opportunities just because they are closer. I want to go extremely far away. Not need: want.

One could argue that I could get a powerful Master's degree or none at all and still thrive.

[chronarchy]

There isn't always a difference between what one wants and what one needs. We like to think that there's a difinitive line between the two, but there really isn't.

It's the same reason I've been looking at three other schools for about 6 months now. I know where I want to go, and I'm going to do everything I can to make it happen. And in this case, my "needs" and my "wants" match up beautifully.

A major trick to this whole shindig they call "life" is getting our needs and wants to align. Separating them perpetually won't get you either.

As to what one could argue, what do you argue? I think that's more important than what others can argue.

[singingwren]

I would be fine without a Master's Degree. It may be better financially, or it may not. I don't know. It's certainly not a necessary step. It's one that I want for me.

I also won't compromise on schools. They have to be schools I would be excited to attend. They have to be just intense and edgy enough to be scary, but they have to match my skill level and desired focus enough to be useful and motivating. I've picked my six, and of those six I would surely attend five. The sixth is dubious. But it is a back door I wanted to leave open for myself.

What about you? Three schools isn't a lot, but it's very good if you're focused. How are you deciding?

[wishesofastar]

And it doesn't help that I know I am the cause, even though it isn't fair that I am...

I sincerely hope you realize this is not true. We are not, and *cannot* be in control of the way other people react to us. This can be especially difficult with family, but it's an important lesson to learn. Recognize that your mother is responsible for her own feelings and you'll be a lot happier.

How will they go on without me there to interrupt the painful monotony of their existence?

That is *not* your responsibility. I, too, have a dysfunctional relationship with my mother. When I was living in the same town with her, it became too much to bear. I was severely depressed and going crazy because I couldn't deal with her. The best thing I ever did for myself was moving far away from my family. I see them a few times a year, which is often enough to reconnect without getting caught up in all that toxic drama.

Move away. Get your own life in order. Some times the best way to be supportive is from a distance. Good luck!

[singingwren]

Thanks, Faith.

I have always really appreciated your advice.