And so it goes
I'm not extremely happy right now. So, hello internet, you get a livejournal post.
Fuck, this feels so highschool.
Since I've decided what I want to do with, y'know, life and stuff, it's really hard to care about school. I'm a Creative Writing major at a public university. This means that they are all telling me what and how to write, beyond technical skills and feedback. To the extent of, "Don't write sci-fi/fantasy/parody/comics... They'll never sell and you'll fail this class and never graduate."
But guess what? That's what I want to fucking do. I want to write the silly stuff. And it doesn't have to all be silly. And I'm good at it. Not as good as I could be, I know, I know I can do better. But I'm by no means bad. I'm better than half the stuff currently being published, I just wish I had a way to learn all of the technical skills.
Like, y'know, school.
But no, I have to write boring stories about suburbia that mean something. It's like telling people that action movies make no money, art films are where it's at. Art films are fine, but that doesn't mean other stuff is bad.
No wonder I didn't apply for summer workshops. I don't care. I know what the class is going to be before I even take it, and it's going to be a semester of people telling me why my writing is horrible, which while I know I'm a student, I also know that I'm not a bad writer. I'm just not great yet.
Ant that's part of the problem too. I'm fucking arrogant. I know I'm better than this. But no one else does.
My other classes, as I ignore the ones in my major, are just as bad. Every single class that requires a paper tells me to do it in MLA style, which is fine, if they could all agree on MLA style. I write all papers in standard notation, but at least 1 class every semester will try and "correct" me, because a universal notation style means they can change it as they see fit.
My teachers aren't fans of the way I write, or of how I write it. Never mind that all of my references are good, and the information is right, and well put together, and interesting, you wrote it too informally! Write papers to bore me to tears while I grade this paper! Really. God forbid that I write a paper to be read aloud when you tell me it is to be read aloud.
And then, my "paragraph breaks are awkward and interrupt topics and ideas." No. They emphasize them. Paragraphs are long hard pauses. Learn to fucking read English beyond the five paragraph essays you had to write to graduate a Latin American studies major before you try to tell me how to write a god damn English paper.
I had a philosophy TA cross out an entire page of one of my papers, and then deduct a letter grade because my paper was too short because "the first page shouldn't count as it should have been edited out." I lost a letter grade in another class because the stupid bitch deducted half a point every time I used a contraction. Because they're not a part of English.
Never mind that she probably learned more from my paper than she's learned in her entire college career.
So why should I fucking care about school? Does it matter to me at all? Does it help me get the job I want, or is it necessary? No. Is it helping me in any way? No. It keeps me away from my girlfriend, stresses me out over stupid bullshit, makes me get less than 6 hours of sleep every night, and isn't helping me in any way with my actual life. It's fucking dumb.
Oh, and the headaches. The lovely migraines I've gotten almost every weekend for a month. Because I don't need to see a neurologist, I just need to take fucking baby aspirin before I go to bed. That'll help. I've lost entire days because I'm too nauseous to get out of bed, and when I do I throw up multiple times, and the headache doesn't go away. I blow my nose and blood comes out.
But there's nothing wrong with me. I don't need to see a doctor.
There is so much wrong in my life right now, and I can't bring myself to care about any of it. I just want to sleep for a month, and wake up to find out I've failed out of school and my power is cut off. I want to Rip van Winkle it until everything stops sucking.
Fuck, this feels so highschool.
Since I've decided what I want to do with, y'know, life and stuff, it's really hard to care about school. I'm a Creative Writing major at a public university. This means that they are all telling me what and how to write, beyond technical skills and feedback. To the extent of, "Don't write sci-fi/fantasy/parody/comics... They'll never sell and you'll fail this class and never graduate."
But guess what? That's what I want to fucking do. I want to write the silly stuff. And it doesn't have to all be silly. And I'm good at it. Not as good as I could be, I know, I know I can do better. But I'm by no means bad. I'm better than half the stuff currently being published, I just wish I had a way to learn all of the technical skills.
Like, y'know, school.
But no, I have to write boring stories about suburbia that mean something. It's like telling people that action movies make no money, art films are where it's at. Art films are fine, but that doesn't mean other stuff is bad.
No wonder I didn't apply for summer workshops. I don't care. I know what the class is going to be before I even take it, and it's going to be a semester of people telling me why my writing is horrible, which while I know I'm a student, I also know that I'm not a bad writer. I'm just not great yet.
Ant that's part of the problem too. I'm fucking arrogant. I know I'm better than this. But no one else does.
My other classes, as I ignore the ones in my major, are just as bad. Every single class that requires a paper tells me to do it in MLA style, which is fine, if they could all agree on MLA style. I write all papers in standard notation, but at least 1 class every semester will try and "correct" me, because a universal notation style means they can change it as they see fit.
My teachers aren't fans of the way I write, or of how I write it. Never mind that all of my references are good, and the information is right, and well put together, and interesting, you wrote it too informally! Write papers to bore me to tears while I grade this paper! Really. God forbid that I write a paper to be read aloud when you tell me it is to be read aloud.
And then, my "paragraph breaks are awkward and interrupt topics and ideas." No. They emphasize them. Paragraphs are long hard pauses. Learn to fucking read English beyond the five paragraph essays you had to write to graduate a Latin American studies major before you try to tell me how to write a god damn English paper.
I had a philosophy TA cross out an entire page of one of my papers, and then deduct a letter grade because my paper was too short because "the first page shouldn't count as it should have been edited out." I lost a letter grade in another class because the stupid bitch deducted half a point every time I used a contraction. Because they're not a part of English.
Never mind that she probably learned more from my paper than she's learned in her entire college career.
So why should I fucking care about school? Does it matter to me at all? Does it help me get the job I want, or is it necessary? No. Is it helping me in any way? No. It keeps me away from my girlfriend, stresses me out over stupid bullshit, makes me get less than 6 hours of sleep every night, and isn't helping me in any way with my actual life. It's fucking dumb.
Oh, and the headaches. The lovely migraines I've gotten almost every weekend for a month. Because I don't need to see a neurologist, I just need to take fucking baby aspirin before I go to bed. That'll help. I've lost entire days because I'm too nauseous to get out of bed, and when I do I throw up multiple times, and the headache doesn't go away. I blow my nose and blood comes out.
But there's nothing wrong with me. I don't need to see a doctor.
There is so much wrong in my life right now, and I can't bring myself to care about any of it. I just want to sleep for a month, and wake up to find out I've failed out of school and my power is cut off. I want to Rip van Winkle it until everything stops sucking.