I.
Title: To say Goodbye
Author: Rose
Genre: Uhm.. Romance/Hurt/Comfort?
Pairing: RenxIchi
Rating: 14A, maybe? Implied sex..
Disclaimer: Don't own BLEACH, and never will.
Comments: Lots of 一恋 fics with how Ichigo felt after losing his powers, and not seeing anyone, but like none of how Ren dealt with it, sooooo... ta-da.
Renji could only hope he had moved on with his life, and forgotten what they’d once had.
It had been incredibly difficult for the redheaded shinigami to come to terms with the fact that he would never even have the chance to say goodbye. While his division still had a captain, there was slack to be picked up with the other squads and heavy casualties to be dealt with. Though Aizen hadn’t slaughtered within Seireitei itself, the real Karakura town had, had several capable and seated shinigami stationed to watch over, just in case he did somehow make it to the place, which of course he had. So, with so many losses, the Gotei 13 was at a disadvantage, and only Rukia was allowed to stay until he woke up. For most of that month, he’d kept optimistic and hopeful thoughts. That Ichigo would wake up, and still somehow have his shinigami powers. That his powers were too… vast… to ever disappear completely. So he wouldn’t have to say goodbye forever. Maybe just goodbye for a little while, and after he woke up and everything was alright, ‘see you later‘. He would probably have his own squad to take care of soon enough, and would need to stay in Soul Society for a while anyway. Just until everything was calm.
But then Rukia had returned, down, and he knew his optimism hadn’t been rewarded. And that he’d lost the opportunity to say goodbye. Renji wondered if he hated him for that. Not stopping in for just a few minutes to share a passionate embrace, and a kiss that would have to convey so much. How much he would miss Ichigo, and how much Ichigo would miss him. How much they loved what they’d had, how much they loved each other… How much Renji wanted Ichigo to move on after this, to be a normal human like he ought to be, because he just knew he’d hold onto it as long as he could. While Renji knew he would never forget himself, Ichigo had a life to live, and to love. It wasn’t fair that he should spend the next couple of decades or so (because Renji wasn’t kidding himself, eventually Ichigo would move on, whether he moped for twenty years first or not) thinking about what he’d once had. No, he ought to cling onto a vision of the future, and what he might once again have. With someone else. Someone who wasn’t, well, dead.
It didn’t make it any easier. In fact, it may have made it harder, as he’d only ever loved two people, and had realized he probably wouldn’t fall in love again. Renji wasn’t the sort to chase skirt at a bar, or respond to any of the many advances put toward him. When he fell in love with Ichigo, it’d been a subtle thing. He’d never been able to pinpoint the exact thing that had made him love him. He’d simply realized he didn’t just want to be friends with the bright haired youth anymore, and opened his eyes to the fact that Ichigo seemed to want the same thing. It’d gone smoothly from then. While their relationship had certainly changed, the dynamic certainly hadn’t. They still fought over stupid things, tried to beat each other at everything they did, and called each other “insulting” names that never made much sense. The difference was that their evenings had been filled with sweet, warm embraces, and sweet, soft kisses, and sweet rough, amazing sex.
He wouldn’t miss the sex the most. He knew he could get a fuck the second he asked for one. Most female shinigami found him desirable. Hell, even some of the men did. And he was sure some of them could give him just as good a ride as Ichigo did. But Renji wasn’t like that. He found it difficult to be intimate with people he didn’t know incredibly well. He’d once loved Rukia, but had decided that if nearly a century and a half chasing after her hadn’t yielded any results, it probably wasn’t going to. Plus she loved Ichigo as much as Renji did. And now there was no one he was interested in. Well, minus Ichigo, who he hadn’t said goodbye to. But there was no one he could be physically be with, that he was interested in.
They’d kept it fairly quiet. Neither wanted to deal with snides from friends on the nature of their relationship, when it wasn’t already so obvious that people overlooked it. He almost wished they had told people. Not that he wanted to be comforted or anything, but it would have been nice to talk to someone about the aching feeling in his chest he’d been carrying around since Rukia had come back. Mainly he just tried to dull it with sake. Several times he’d snuck away to watch Ichigo, but had decided against it and returned before he could actually see him, not wanting to deal with the fact that Ichigo couldn’t see him. Gigai used before the war had been decommissioned, so while the idea had occurred to him, he couldn’t act on it. And what if he found him depressed as he was? Or found that he hated him for not saying goodbye? Or what if he found him in the arms of another man? That was what he wanted for him, but admittedly, to see it, there’d be a certain sting. With these thoughts in his mind, he’d turned back every time, until he stopped leaving to try and watch his old young lover.
Nearly seventeen months had passed, and as Ichigo’s birthday had passed, again, he’d found himself unable to keep away this time. He needed to know he was doing alright. As his mind filled with what ifs, he took a deep breath and cleared himself of any such thought, long enough to make it to Ichigo’s window. It was open, and while he’d only planned to watch from a distance, he found himself slipping inside, and overpowered with warmth, and… the scent of him. The youth was doing school work at his desk, looking so determined as he concentrated. A pair of black frames sat on his nose, pushed up every once in a while with the end of his pencil. Renji supposed he might be studying for a test, and memories of previous study sessions came to mind- Ichigo studying like this, trying to tell Renji he needed to concentrate. Or Ichigo studying from the comfort of Renji’s lap. Or every once in a while, Ichigo asking for an opinion or help from Renji. He inhaled almost shakily, and sighed, freezing as Ichigo looked back toward him, seemingly deciding after a moment that no one was there.
“I guess I thought it was you…”
Renji looked away as Ichigo sighed himself. So he hadn’t moved on. Initially disappointed at this discovery, a small voice in the back of his head told him that maybe that meant they could still be together. He could secretly order a gigai from Urahara, and visit Ichigo when he had the time. He shook off the thoughts and moved toward Ichigo, letting a hand ghost over the side of the boy’s face, the other resting on Ichigo’s writing hand. He pressed his lips to the other’s for a long moment, uncaring of whether he could feel it or not, before writing. Just like that, he was gone.
Ichigo felt tears sting his eyes as he felt the one he‘d missed the past year and a half, and looked down at what had been written under the calculus problems he‘d been working on.
This is me sayin’ Goodbye
Author: Rose
Genre: Uhm.. Romance/Hurt/Comfort?
Pairing: RenxIchi
Rating: 14A, maybe? Implied sex..
Disclaimer: Don't own BLEACH, and never will.
Comments: Lots of 一恋 fics with how Ichigo felt after losing his powers, and not seeing anyone, but like none of how Ren dealt with it, sooooo... ta-da.
Renji could only hope he had moved on with his life, and forgotten what they’d once had.
It had been incredibly difficult for the redheaded shinigami to come to terms with the fact that he would never even have the chance to say goodbye. While his division still had a captain, there was slack to be picked up with the other squads and heavy casualties to be dealt with. Though Aizen hadn’t slaughtered within Seireitei itself, the real Karakura town had, had several capable and seated shinigami stationed to watch over, just in case he did somehow make it to the place, which of course he had. So, with so many losses, the Gotei 13 was at a disadvantage, and only Rukia was allowed to stay until he woke up. For most of that month, he’d kept optimistic and hopeful thoughts. That Ichigo would wake up, and still somehow have his shinigami powers. That his powers were too… vast… to ever disappear completely. So he wouldn’t have to say goodbye forever. Maybe just goodbye for a little while, and after he woke up and everything was alright, ‘see you later‘. He would probably have his own squad to take care of soon enough, and would need to stay in Soul Society for a while anyway. Just until everything was calm.
But then Rukia had returned, down, and he knew his optimism hadn’t been rewarded. And that he’d lost the opportunity to say goodbye. Renji wondered if he hated him for that. Not stopping in for just a few minutes to share a passionate embrace, and a kiss that would have to convey so much. How much he would miss Ichigo, and how much Ichigo would miss him. How much they loved what they’d had, how much they loved each other… How much Renji wanted Ichigo to move on after this, to be a normal human like he ought to be, because he just knew he’d hold onto it as long as he could. While Renji knew he would never forget himself, Ichigo had a life to live, and to love. It wasn’t fair that he should spend the next couple of decades or so (because Renji wasn’t kidding himself, eventually Ichigo would move on, whether he moped for twenty years first or not) thinking about what he’d once had. No, he ought to cling onto a vision of the future, and what he might once again have. With someone else. Someone who wasn’t, well, dead.
It didn’t make it any easier. In fact, it may have made it harder, as he’d only ever loved two people, and had realized he probably wouldn’t fall in love again. Renji wasn’t the sort to chase skirt at a bar, or respond to any of the many advances put toward him. When he fell in love with Ichigo, it’d been a subtle thing. He’d never been able to pinpoint the exact thing that had made him love him. He’d simply realized he didn’t just want to be friends with the bright haired youth anymore, and opened his eyes to the fact that Ichigo seemed to want the same thing. It’d gone smoothly from then. While their relationship had certainly changed, the dynamic certainly hadn’t. They still fought over stupid things, tried to beat each other at everything they did, and called each other “insulting” names that never made much sense. The difference was that their evenings had been filled with sweet, warm embraces, and sweet, soft kisses, and sweet rough, amazing sex.
He wouldn’t miss the sex the most. He knew he could get a fuck the second he asked for one. Most female shinigami found him desirable. Hell, even some of the men did. And he was sure some of them could give him just as good a ride as Ichigo did. But Renji wasn’t like that. He found it difficult to be intimate with people he didn’t know incredibly well. He’d once loved Rukia, but had decided that if nearly a century and a half chasing after her hadn’t yielded any results, it probably wasn’t going to. Plus she loved Ichigo as much as Renji did. And now there was no one he was interested in. Well, minus Ichigo, who he hadn’t said goodbye to. But there was no one he could be physically be with, that he was interested in.
They’d kept it fairly quiet. Neither wanted to deal with snides from friends on the nature of their relationship, when it wasn’t already so obvious that people overlooked it. He almost wished they had told people. Not that he wanted to be comforted or anything, but it would have been nice to talk to someone about the aching feeling in his chest he’d been carrying around since Rukia had come back. Mainly he just tried to dull it with sake. Several times he’d snuck away to watch Ichigo, but had decided against it and returned before he could actually see him, not wanting to deal with the fact that Ichigo couldn’t see him. Gigai used before the war had been decommissioned, so while the idea had occurred to him, he couldn’t act on it. And what if he found him depressed as he was? Or found that he hated him for not saying goodbye? Or what if he found him in the arms of another man? That was what he wanted for him, but admittedly, to see it, there’d be a certain sting. With these thoughts in his mind, he’d turned back every time, until he stopped leaving to try and watch his old young lover.
Nearly seventeen months had passed, and as Ichigo’s birthday had passed, again, he’d found himself unable to keep away this time. He needed to know he was doing alright. As his mind filled with what ifs, he took a deep breath and cleared himself of any such thought, long enough to make it to Ichigo’s window. It was open, and while he’d only planned to watch from a distance, he found himself slipping inside, and overpowered with warmth, and… the scent of him. The youth was doing school work at his desk, looking so determined as he concentrated. A pair of black frames sat on his nose, pushed up every once in a while with the end of his pencil. Renji supposed he might be studying for a test, and memories of previous study sessions came to mind- Ichigo studying like this, trying to tell Renji he needed to concentrate. Or Ichigo studying from the comfort of Renji’s lap. Or every once in a while, Ichigo asking for an opinion or help from Renji. He inhaled almost shakily, and sighed, freezing as Ichigo looked back toward him, seemingly deciding after a moment that no one was there.
“I guess I thought it was you…”
Renji looked away as Ichigo sighed himself. So he hadn’t moved on. Initially disappointed at this discovery, a small voice in the back of his head told him that maybe that meant they could still be together. He could secretly order a gigai from Urahara, and visit Ichigo when he had the time. He shook off the thoughts and moved toward Ichigo, letting a hand ghost over the side of the boy’s face, the other resting on Ichigo’s writing hand. He pressed his lips to the other’s for a long moment, uncaring of whether he could feel it or not, before writing. Just like that, he was gone.
Ichigo felt tears sting his eyes as he felt the one he‘d missed the past year and a half, and looked down at what had been written under the calculus problems he‘d been working on.
This is me sayin’ Goodbye