Soon we will return to your regularly scheduled self-absorption.
When I read a wolfshirts post, there's often a point where I sigh and smack my forehead with the back of my hand. Not in the good, swooning kind of way. In the bad, NO NO WHY ME kind of way. Why is this, you ask?
It is because the bad guy is always Bert McCracken.
What follows is part picspam, part primer, part summary of why I want to bite his belly, part tips on characterizing him, and part list of people other than Bert who can play the evil guy in your MCR masterwork. And it's all dirtysexy! WARNING FOR A LOT OF PICTURES. Like, 80 pictures. Um. I got carried away?
Often people say to me, "Oh, sinsense, I cannot like Bert, for he is unattractive and dirty!" I support your right to say that, as I would support your right to say anything wrong.
Well, halfway wrong. For the boy is, in fact, dirty.
Bert on the Osbournes. Hilarious, features his smoker's cough &c. I really liked them as a couple, actually.
First of several wacky t-shirts: "Girls like you die every day." (Ones I decided not to post in this set: "Jesus says keep on pimpin," and "JESUS OWES ME MONEY" printed on scraps of American flag.)
Screencapped from the Osbournes. What a little dirty weirdo! Secretly I love it.
T-shirt: "the fat boys are back." Did you know that some fangirls are calling Bert fat lately? Yeah, it's been awesome. It's because of his little belly.
Which I want to bite SO BAD.
Sccchhhweatay!
What? I can't hear you! I'm dirty? Well, yeah.
I kind of liked the red-streaked hair period. Isn't his smile adorable? Even though he's Mr. Scruff?
The scuzzy guy at a hardcore show that you kind of want to impress? Kind of want to hook up with? Kind of want to avoid, because he obviously will make fun of you and your pink Skechers?
Maybe you don't get how hot this is. But it's fucking hot. I can't even. Yeah. WOW. I. Yeah.
I'm only going to be elitist once (on purpose anyway), but: this is what makes him legitimately part of the hardcore scene. If I listened to The Used during my v. snotty scenester days, I would have dismissed them as limp-dicked emo softrock. (Yes, I was a bastard.) But the fact that Bert looks dirty, screams so hard that he pukes, and spits into the crowd? That would have made his band more respectable, because they're pulling on a particular anti-authority musical tradition. You have to understand the aesthetic they're coming from, which is a hardcore and punk aesthetic.
ZOMFG. Fucking awesome.
He is a monkey. A hardcore monkey of punk attitude.
BAM.
Donna Sparks, lead singer of the awesome punk rock group L7, once removed her used tampon onstage and flung it at the crowd, screaming "eat this, assholes!" (It was at Reading, the same place Brendon Urie got bottled. The crowd was slinging mud at her nonstop.) That is punk rock in a nutshell. That's where Bert is getting it from.
Mind you, musician types are often dirty. Gerard and Mikey are both canonically dirty. And I had indie rock scenester friends who wouldn't shower for weeks. Yes, weeks. Furthermore, Bert generally does not spit on the crowd. Frank Iero does. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but let's hold similar standards, shall we?
However, now that that rant is over, let’s talk about how hot he is.
Look at me making a transition from dirty to pretty!
The ultimate combination of pretty, crazy, and slightly too dirty. Love it.
Again: half "I wonder how good he is at kissing," half "I shouldn't find out, because I don't want lip diseases."
This whole BAND, seriously. And Branden wasn't replaced by someone fugly, either.
You know some photographer was like, "hey, fuzzy angel wings," and Bert was like "ahahahahahahaha YES." Meanwhile his Mormon parents are like "what is this strange feeling I have that Jesus is crying? Honey, let's call Bert." Meanwhile, Bert is pretty.
I love the red eye makeup. Love it. I don't care that he looks like an insomniac!
The eyebrows are in full effect here -- mind you, I actually don't mind them at all, I think they're kind of quirkily cute in general, see Shayesteh Irani (RRRAWR) -- but I put this in because it shows what first got me about Bert, the sort of unguarded moments he has.
Small dark and handsome. What? It's my type, I can't help myself.
This was during his slightly cracked-out period, but I still think he looks cute. And god, his eyes.
The blond hair was a little too Cobain-esque for me, but I still think he looks amazing with it. And he was wearing nerdy little glasses during this time period, which kind of made up for the blond. Glasses! With little rectangular frames! Oh, Bert.
Oh god. [explodes] Look at his little embarrassed grin! Think about someone wrapping their arms around his shoulders and getting that look. Someone can and does, by the way: his name is Quinn. More on that later.
Okay, am I the only one who thinks this picture is the prettiest picture of all time? Maybe? The colors really get me, and how kind of serene his face is, which he rarely gets onstage.
GOD HE IS GORGEOUS. And this is the first instance of my favorite t-shirt of his, which reads "MY PUSSY DEMANDS ATTENTION." Yes, you read that right. Someone write me sexswap?
I wrote a little note to myself, all "don't go overboard! Everyone will hate you!" and then I start looking at pictures of Bert and thinking "BUT LOOK AT HIM GUYS." Look at his pretty blue eyes! His silly expression! His adorable self! His pussy t-shirt!
Back to dirty... yet hot.
Super super gay? And hot? Also, boys who wear sunglasses that threaten to eat their faces make me so happy.
This picture makes me happy, because he's all "big pimpin'! smirkin'!" And I'm all "oh my god, why such a pretty, pretty girl?" Seriously, someone write me hilariously indulgent sexswap.
In conclusion: if you're able to get the aesthetic appeal of anyone outside of the stereotypical "hot boys" of bandom? Then you should be able to get Bert's appeal. The boy looks like a bizarre demon at times, yes. But Bert also has moments of genuine adorableness and pure prettiness. I kind of want to touch him all over. No joke.
"But sinsense, Bert's so WEIRD."
That is true.
gnar. i eat your face. gnar!
I make this face sometimes. It is SO SUPER ATTRACTIVE, is it not?
Bert's "You got me a PONY SKELETON FOR CRIMMAS?! YAAAAAAY!" face. You know you have one, too. Go on. Make it. No one will notice.
What's up, weirdest pairing ever?
It can be bowling pin stealing time nao? (Bert is his own lolcat.)
BAND OF NERDS AND DORKITUDE.
OH HAI BERT'S BRA AND PANTY SET. Seriously, this has a pocket for his junk. He bought a cross-dresser's bra and panty set. Possibly so he could reuse it. I love him SO MUCH.
Apropos of something I've written below about characterization, please note that they had to have him stand on a milkcrate for him to loom correctly. And note how dirty his Crimmas hat is! Bert, seriously, marry me. (Actually, wait, can your whole band marry me? It'll be like home!)
I am approx. three years old, but I found this hilarious.
Apropos of something else that I wrote below, Bert is good with your kids! While wearing a dress that actually looks quite fetching on him! (Another bunny for you: Bert, in a dress, getting blown. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT IDEA.)
Some other evidence comes from Youtube, especially The Fuse (1) Fuck-Ups (2).
So yes, I'll grant you that one. Even Steven from Steven's Untitled Rock Show has expressed some consternation at Bert's oddity (see youtube links above), and he's used to dealing with rock stars. But here are some thoughts on why that is:
Bert was born and raised in Orem, Utah. He, like Brendon Urie, was raised Mormon. Brendon got some shit from his parents, obviously. Bert got kicked out. At fifteen years old. He was homeless, and he was homeless for a while.
I've seen people write about a homeless AU, or a street kids AU. All good, and I'd read that shit and del.icio.us it in a heartbeat. But step back from the romanticization of it, the h/c possibilities. Think about what being homeless entails, especially at fifteen. Think about it in your town or city, where you live and have internet access and food and a bed. Where do you go when you need to shit? Where do you sleep? Where do you get food from? How do you find friends?
That's a little preachy, but it's the thing that continually gets me about Bert and the Used boys in particular. They were those scary bedraggled kids you see squatting on the sidewalk, begging for change and sniping at you when you walk by without saying anything. That's a life I wouldn't wish on anyone. That shit will make you strange. It'll warp your sense of what "socially acceptable" is worth.
(Hee! My canon has been revealed as faulty! Read more in this thread, which should clarify some things about the kind of homelessness he dealt with -- I still say it counts for a lot -- and the effect religion had on his life. Very interesting, worth reading, go go go.)
In other life events, Bert's ex-girlfriend Kate died from an overdose while she was carrying his kid. Hey, fun times. I wonder why he's got no sense of self-preservation?
I make no excuses for anyone's weirdness or drug addiction. (Bert has been open about his struggles with drugs, and still does drink and do some drugs according to a lot of accounts/pictures.) But I will dare you to judge him for it. Anyone who has been homeless or an addict or spurned by their parents that I've ever talked to has refused to judge others who have been through the same thing, because they know it's an experience that only God or chance gets you through. (And drugs are very much a coping mechanism. A shitty one, but a coping mechanism nonetheless.)
That being said, when I write Bert, I write him annoying and mercurial. Part of why he loves Quinn so much is because Quinn puts up with him all the time, in my mind. (And why he climbs on Jeph, too.) So if/when you write Bert, you have to write him fucked up, because anyone would be fucked up by what he's been through. But I don't think you have to write him mean. Because he's not mean!
PUPPY: GNAR!! TINY PAWS!
BERT: Snawww. Puppy loves me. I make a face at you, puppy.
See a trend? Bert has a tiny dog at all times (tiny because he is the smallest man alive, see below), and he lets them do whatever the hell they want to him, because he loffs them.
LOOK AT THE GIRL WEARING HIS AVIATORS.
BERT: devil horns!
LITTLE GIRL: devil horns? (She only has one finger up on either side, kill me with cute why don't you?)
KIDS IN THE FRONT: Hey, these guys act as old as we are, but they have FACIAL HAIR.
USED, AS A WHOLE: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
I am going to slide in some of this OTP later, but: DAN. JEPHA. HIGH FIVE OF SUPERGAY.
Are you wondering why people think he's mean? First, I'm amazed you managed not to hear about it. Second, it's because he dated Gerard. (Sorry for the tinhat, but let me just own it.) Gerard and he were super, super tight when Gerard was still a drunk. They sang songs together. They kissed in front of cameras and flirted all the time.
They make me kind of sad, because even though Gee was clearly drunk as a skunk, they seemed to really like each other a lot. Bert here has this expression that I just want him to have all the time, a smirk layered transparently over affection. (If you're a fan of this pairing, check out valerie-z -- amazing writing.)
Aww. God, they were adorable together. Bert's mom even gave him a framed picture of him and Gerard.
But then Gerard got sober. They broke up. Bert hated on Gerard in public. Gerard hated on Bert in public. They wrote songs about each other that intimated that the other person was a lameass douchemonkey.
Now, here's the thing. We don't know what actually happened, because we don't know these guys beyond what we read in the media. It's possible that Bert was a dick (although I doubt it). But because Gerard is prettier, because Gerard got sober, because Gerard is a more conventionally articulate guy, and because Gerard is made for Frank, fangirls sided with Gerard. Fine. FINE. I am peeved, but FINE.
(Before you flame, please note that I am a huge fan of Gerard's. Pls see: every story I have ever written.)
But c'mon, Bert is not evil. He got broken up with, or he broke up with Gerard, and he was pissy about it. I would be just as bad. He didn't stop doing drugs. Whoopteedoo. If I stopped liking every musician who does drugs, I would listen to Christian rock all day. (And even that's dodgy.) And the guy gets a bad rap and has his music derided from all corners of fandom? Dammit, people, have a little sympathy with the underdog. This is the kind of character we yearn for!
Meanwhile, there is a major love story available to anyone who wants to write the Used. Bert/Quinn, people. It is my OTP.
It's like kissing at a middle school dance.
NOOOOOT SO MUCH LIKE MIDDLE SCHOOL. Well, I don't know where you went to middle school. Mileage may vary.
Look at them. Happy bunny best friends!
BERT'N'QUINN: MAKEOUT TIME!
JEPHA: VOYEURISM TIME!
BRANDEN: WHEN DO I GET TO LEAVE THIS BAND TIME!
(Edit: there is a much better copy of this picture in the comments. I gasped.)
More makeouts?
[edit: I can't believe I forgot to note that his t-shirt says "BUTTSEX IS ITCHY." Oh, Bert. Oh, Quinn. Wash the lube off afterwards.]
And gentle caresses, yes.
God, I LOVE this picture.
Image title on my computer: iloveyoubunnyyoutooturtleface.png
Quinn says no to Bert's proposal, but they kiss anyway: Quinn's already got a cute boyfriend anyway.
But what if you don't share my OTP? (But. But. What is wrong with you?) Well, there are others, obv. Here are some pictures for two of them (plus bonus GSF!):
Bert has a flavor.
This pairing has a kind of Bob/Frank appeal.
Mmm, snuggleface.
CANONICAL FAUX RIMMING. Dan says: I'm so glad I joined this band! Anal is fun!
Look at their legs. Jepha, Dan: do you have something to share with the class?
JEPHA: Don't worry, I'll respect you in the morning.
DAN: Um, Quinn? I make no such promises.
QUINN: You got the raw end of this deal, Bert.
BERT: I feel funny. In my pants.
YAY. If my OTP pictures got your writing mojo rising, please see the following ideas:
"But sinsense," you say, "someone has to be evil!"
First, maybe you should have slightly more complicated conflicts in your stories. But I'm one to talk; I don't believe in writing things with plots. Ahahaha. Anyway. Here are some other people that can be evil:
"But sinsense, I want to write Bert as evil."
Arrrrghghgnghghgkadhdpfiodfhjfhdafdhkeysmash.
Fine. I have some requests. None of these are aimed at any particular story; they're general trends. I don't find these things annoying in specific stories, and some of my favorites feature these things. It's just more that after a while I get sick of the factual inaccuracy.
First: BERT IS NOT BIG. Here are some pictures to show you how big Bert is:
HEART EXPLODING KTHX.
His little dance! With his little self!
He does this pose a lot, mostly because he is so small that he CAN.
Image title: tinyfistsofcute.png
God, it just. SO SMALL.
Bert and Jepha: united in tiny weeness.
LOOK HOW TINY AND PRECIOUS. The boy is not only slender (with tiny adorable tummy, numnumnum, want to bite), but he is short. 5'2" short. Shorter than Pete, shorter than Gerard, shorter than Frank, short short short. You could fold him up and put him into your cargo pocket, and he would say "hey, wow, roomy." The boy is made of tiny and small. He has to shop around for sunglasses that will not eat his head. Have I made my point? NOT BIG. That is my point. Teeny tiny little monkey!
Second: BERT IS NOT EVIL. Okay, fine, you want to write him as the bad guy. But offer me some characterization? Don't make him the devil. Please. This is a general plea, too; the bad guys need motivation. While Iago is an excellent villain, writing too many Iagos turns into the mirror image of the Superman problem.
This is Bert's HEART TATTOO.
He just wants to kiss you.
And give you an incredibly tight hug.
Third: BERT IS NOT CLOSETED. Um, really, really not.
Hey guys, would you like to touch my butt? Thank you!
The demanding pussy shirt combined with femmey pose. The rest of the band: trying to het it up as much as possible. Bert: still making the whole thing gaytastic.
He loves Quinn and wants to marry him. He makes out with him. He's talked about his sexuality candidly in the press, even when he was going to get shit for it. He's not repressed; he believes in sexing it up like a rockstar as often as he can. "Yum," Bert says, while humping Jepha's face and sticking his hand down Quinn's pants to fondle his naughty bits, "I like sex! With... people!" Boy howdy, does he ever. NOT CLOSETED. Was mean to Gerard? Quite possibly. In the closet? NEIN.
I think that's it.
EDIT: That's a lie! eleanor-lavish reminds me that I should have noted that Bert was a (rather good) gymnast. A GYMNAST. BENDY. Furthermore, if you are interested in writing Bert after this, please see this Blender article, also suggested to me by EL. Thank you!
If you don't want to read this whole thing, please just look at these pictures.
Bert is not big. Bert is not mean. He doesn't scare kids. Puppies love him.
I love that two new non-bandslash people just added me, and they're getting this as their first taste. Great. Sorry? Soon there will be introspection. And trees.
It is because the bad guy is always Bert McCracken.
What follows is part picspam, part primer, part summary of why I want to bite his belly, part tips on characterizing him, and part list of people other than Bert who can play the evil guy in your MCR masterwork. And it's all dirtysexy! WARNING FOR A LOT OF PICTURES. Like, 80 pictures. Um. I got carried away?
Often people say to me, "Oh, sinsense, I cannot like Bert, for he is unattractive and dirty!" I support your right to say that, as I would support your right to say anything wrong.
Well, halfway wrong. For the boy is, in fact, dirty.
Bert on the Osbournes. Hilarious, features his smoker's cough &c. I really liked them as a couple, actually.
First of several wacky t-shirts: "Girls like you die every day." (Ones I decided not to post in this set: "Jesus says keep on pimpin," and "JESUS OWES ME MONEY" printed on scraps of American flag.)
Screencapped from the Osbournes. What a little dirty weirdo! Secretly I love it.
T-shirt: "the fat boys are back." Did you know that some fangirls are calling Bert fat lately? Yeah, it's been awesome. It's because of his little belly.
Which I want to bite SO BAD.
Sccchhhweatay!
What? I can't hear you! I'm dirty? Well, yeah.
I kind of liked the red-streaked hair period. Isn't his smile adorable? Even though he's Mr. Scruff?
The scuzzy guy at a hardcore show that you kind of want to impress? Kind of want to hook up with? Kind of want to avoid, because he obviously will make fun of you and your pink Skechers?
Maybe you don't get how hot this is. But it's fucking hot. I can't even. Yeah. WOW. I. Yeah.
I'm only going to be elitist once (on purpose anyway), but: this is what makes him legitimately part of the hardcore scene. If I listened to The Used during my v. snotty scenester days, I would have dismissed them as limp-dicked emo softrock. (Yes, I was a bastard.) But the fact that Bert looks dirty, screams so hard that he pukes, and spits into the crowd? That would have made his band more respectable, because they're pulling on a particular anti-authority musical tradition. You have to understand the aesthetic they're coming from, which is a hardcore and punk aesthetic.
ZOMFG. Fucking awesome.
He is a monkey. A hardcore monkey of punk attitude.
BAM.
Donna Sparks, lead singer of the awesome punk rock group L7, once removed her used tampon onstage and flung it at the crowd, screaming "eat this, assholes!" (It was at Reading, the same place Brendon Urie got bottled. The crowd was slinging mud at her nonstop.) That is punk rock in a nutshell. That's where Bert is getting it from.
Mind you, musician types are often dirty. Gerard and Mikey are both canonically dirty. And I had indie rock scenester friends who wouldn't shower for weeks. Yes, weeks. Furthermore, Bert generally does not spit on the crowd. Frank Iero does. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, but let's hold similar standards, shall we?
However, now that that rant is over, let’s talk about how hot he is.
Look at me making a transition from dirty to pretty!
The ultimate combination of pretty, crazy, and slightly too dirty. Love it.
Again: half "I wonder how good he is at kissing," half "I shouldn't find out, because I don't want lip diseases."
This whole BAND, seriously. And Branden wasn't replaced by someone fugly, either.
You know some photographer was like, "hey, fuzzy angel wings," and Bert was like "ahahahahahahaha YES." Meanwhile his Mormon parents are like "what is this strange feeling I have that Jesus is crying? Honey, let's call Bert." Meanwhile, Bert is pretty.
I love the red eye makeup. Love it. I don't care that he looks like an insomniac!
The eyebrows are in full effect here -- mind you, I actually don't mind them at all, I think they're kind of quirkily cute in general, see Shayesteh Irani (RRRAWR) -- but I put this in because it shows what first got me about Bert, the sort of unguarded moments he has.
Small dark and handsome. What? It's my type, I can't help myself.
This was during his slightly cracked-out period, but I still think he looks cute. And god, his eyes.
The blond hair was a little too Cobain-esque for me, but I still think he looks amazing with it. And he was wearing nerdy little glasses during this time period, which kind of made up for the blond. Glasses! With little rectangular frames! Oh, Bert.
Oh god. [explodes] Look at his little embarrassed grin! Think about someone wrapping their arms around his shoulders and getting that look. Someone can and does, by the way: his name is Quinn. More on that later.
Okay, am I the only one who thinks this picture is the prettiest picture of all time? Maybe? The colors really get me, and how kind of serene his face is, which he rarely gets onstage.
GOD HE IS GORGEOUS. And this is the first instance of my favorite t-shirt of his, which reads "MY PUSSY DEMANDS ATTENTION." Yes, you read that right. Someone write me sexswap?
I wrote a little note to myself, all "don't go overboard! Everyone will hate you!" and then I start looking at pictures of Bert and thinking "BUT LOOK AT HIM GUYS." Look at his pretty blue eyes! His silly expression! His adorable self! His pussy t-shirt!
Back to dirty... yet hot.
Super super gay? And hot? Also, boys who wear sunglasses that threaten to eat their faces make me so happy.
This picture makes me happy, because he's all "big pimpin'! smirkin'!" And I'm all "oh my god, why such a pretty, pretty girl?" Seriously, someone write me hilariously indulgent sexswap.
In conclusion: if you're able to get the aesthetic appeal of anyone outside of the stereotypical "hot boys" of bandom? Then you should be able to get Bert's appeal. The boy looks like a bizarre demon at times, yes. But Bert also has moments of genuine adorableness and pure prettiness. I kind of want to touch him all over. No joke.
"But sinsense, Bert's so WEIRD."
That is true.
gnar. i eat your face. gnar!
I make this face sometimes. It is SO SUPER ATTRACTIVE, is it not?
Bert's "You got me a PONY SKELETON FOR CRIMMAS?! YAAAAAAY!" face. You know you have one, too. Go on. Make it. No one will notice.
What's up, weirdest pairing ever?
It can be bowling pin stealing time nao? (Bert is his own lolcat.)
BAND OF NERDS AND DORKITUDE.
OH HAI BERT'S BRA AND PANTY SET. Seriously, this has a pocket for his junk. He bought a cross-dresser's bra and panty set. Possibly so he could reuse it. I love him SO MUCH.
Apropos of something I've written below about characterization, please note that they had to have him stand on a milkcrate for him to loom correctly. And note how dirty his Crimmas hat is! Bert, seriously, marry me. (Actually, wait, can your whole band marry me? It'll be like home!)
I am approx. three years old, but I found this hilarious.
Apropos of something else that I wrote below, Bert is good with your kids! While wearing a dress that actually looks quite fetching on him! (Another bunny for you: Bert, in a dress, getting blown. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT IDEA.)
Some other evidence comes from Youtube, especially The Fuse (1) Fuck-Ups (2).
So yes, I'll grant you that one. Even Steven from Steven's Untitled Rock Show has expressed some consternation at Bert's oddity (see youtube links above), and he's used to dealing with rock stars. But here are some thoughts on why that is:
Bert was born and raised in Orem, Utah. He, like Brendon Urie, was raised Mormon. Brendon got some shit from his parents, obviously. Bert got kicked out. At fifteen years old. He was homeless, and he was homeless for a while.
I've seen people write about a homeless AU, or a street kids AU. All good, and I'd read that shit and del.icio.us it in a heartbeat. But step back from the romanticization of it, the h/c possibilities. Think about what being homeless entails, especially at fifteen. Think about it in your town or city, where you live and have internet access and food and a bed. Where do you go when you need to shit? Where do you sleep? Where do you get food from? How do you find friends?
That's a little preachy, but it's the thing that continually gets me about Bert and the Used boys in particular. They were those scary bedraggled kids you see squatting on the sidewalk, begging for change and sniping at you when you walk by without saying anything. That's a life I wouldn't wish on anyone. That shit will make you strange. It'll warp your sense of what "socially acceptable" is worth.
(Hee! My canon has been revealed as faulty! Read more in this thread, which should clarify some things about the kind of homelessness he dealt with -- I still say it counts for a lot -- and the effect religion had on his life. Very interesting, worth reading, go go go.)
In other life events, Bert's ex-girlfriend Kate died from an overdose while she was carrying his kid. Hey, fun times. I wonder why he's got no sense of self-preservation?
I make no excuses for anyone's weirdness or drug addiction. (Bert has been open about his struggles with drugs, and still does drink and do some drugs according to a lot of accounts/pictures.) But I will dare you to judge him for it. Anyone who has been homeless or an addict or spurned by their parents that I've ever talked to has refused to judge others who have been through the same thing, because they know it's an experience that only God or chance gets you through. (And drugs are very much a coping mechanism. A shitty one, but a coping mechanism nonetheless.)
That being said, when I write Bert, I write him annoying and mercurial. Part of why he loves Quinn so much is because Quinn puts up with him all the time, in my mind. (And why he climbs on Jeph, too.) So if/when you write Bert, you have to write him fucked up, because anyone would be fucked up by what he's been through. But I don't think you have to write him mean. Because he's not mean!
PUPPY: GNAR!! TINY PAWS!
BERT: Snawww. Puppy loves me. I make a face at you, puppy.
See a trend? Bert has a tiny dog at all times (tiny because he is the smallest man alive, see below), and he lets them do whatever the hell they want to him, because he loffs them.
LOOK AT THE GIRL WEARING HIS AVIATORS.
BERT: devil horns!
LITTLE GIRL: devil horns? (She only has one finger up on either side, kill me with cute why don't you?)
KIDS IN THE FRONT: Hey, these guys act as old as we are, but they have FACIAL HAIR.
USED, AS A WHOLE: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
I am going to slide in some of this OTP later, but: DAN. JEPHA. HIGH FIVE OF SUPERGAY.
Are you wondering why people think he's mean? First, I'm amazed you managed not to hear about it. Second, it's because he dated Gerard. (Sorry for the tinhat, but let me just own it.) Gerard and he were super, super tight when Gerard was still a drunk. They sang songs together. They kissed in front of cameras and flirted all the time.
They make me kind of sad, because even though Gee was clearly drunk as a skunk, they seemed to really like each other a lot. Bert here has this expression that I just want him to have all the time, a smirk layered transparently over affection. (If you're a fan of this pairing, check out valerie-z -- amazing writing.)
Aww. God, they were adorable together. Bert's mom even gave him a framed picture of him and Gerard.
But then Gerard got sober. They broke up. Bert hated on Gerard in public. Gerard hated on Bert in public. They wrote songs about each other that intimated that the other person was a lameass douchemonkey.
Now, here's the thing. We don't know what actually happened, because we don't know these guys beyond what we read in the media. It's possible that Bert was a dick (although I doubt it). But because Gerard is prettier, because Gerard got sober, because Gerard is a more conventionally articulate guy, and because Gerard is made for Frank, fangirls sided with Gerard. Fine. FINE. I am peeved, but FINE.
(Before you flame, please note that I am a huge fan of Gerard's. Pls see: every story I have ever written.)
But c'mon, Bert is not evil. He got broken up with, or he broke up with Gerard, and he was pissy about it. I would be just as bad. He didn't stop doing drugs. Whoopteedoo. If I stopped liking every musician who does drugs, I would listen to Christian rock all day. (And even that's dodgy.) And the guy gets a bad rap and has his music derided from all corners of fandom? Dammit, people, have a little sympathy with the underdog. This is the kind of character we yearn for!
Meanwhile, there is a major love story available to anyone who wants to write the Used. Bert/Quinn, people. It is my OTP.
It's like kissing at a middle school dance.
NOOOOOT SO MUCH LIKE MIDDLE SCHOOL. Well, I don't know where you went to middle school. Mileage may vary.
Look at them. Happy bunny best friends!
BERT'N'QUINN: MAKEOUT TIME!
JEPHA: VOYEURISM TIME!
BRANDEN: WHEN DO I GET TO LEAVE THIS BAND TIME!
(Edit: there is a much better copy of this picture in the comments. I gasped.)
More makeouts?
[edit: I can't believe I forgot to note that his t-shirt says "BUTTSEX IS ITCHY." Oh, Bert. Oh, Quinn. Wash the lube off afterwards.]
And gentle caresses, yes.
God, I LOVE this picture.
Image title on my computer: iloveyoubunnyyoutooturtleface.png
Quinn says no to Bert's proposal, but they kiss anyway: Quinn's already got a cute boyfriend anyway.
But what if you don't share my OTP? (But. But. What is wrong with you?) Well, there are others, obv. Here are some pictures for two of them (plus bonus GSF!):
Bert has a flavor.
This pairing has a kind of Bob/Frank appeal.
Mmm, snuggleface.
CANONICAL FAUX RIMMING. Dan says: I'm so glad I joined this band! Anal is fun!
Look at their legs. Jepha, Dan: do you have something to share with the class?
JEPHA: Don't worry, I'll respect you in the morning.
DAN: Um, Quinn? I make no such promises.
QUINN: You got the raw end of this deal, Bert.
BERT: I feel funny. In my pants.
YAY. If my OTP pictures got your writing mojo rising, please see the following ideas:
- Young boys in love: Quinn wants to save Bert from the streets! This could go in your delicious schmoopy direction, your delicious h/c direction, or your delicious angsty direction (with bonus quasi-happy ending?). What do they have in common? Deliciousness.
- Or maybe a story where Bert dates Gerard, and talks to Quinn about how they're actually, no joke, Made For Each Other. Quinn thinks "he's a damn drunk," and is secretly resentful, because he PINES for Bert! Then, of course, Bert is heartbroken over the split up, and Quinn has a moment of "SWEET JESUS YAYFACE I mean wow, that sucks." Then, of course, he says "kisses now," and Bert says "ok."
- How about a story where Quinn is all "bitch, you are crazy, there is NO WAY I am dating you." Of course Bert convinces him to have WILDLY ATHLETIC and perhaps okay MILDLY CRAZY sex, but secretly he is moping, because he just wants a boyfriend! He wants someone who isn't going to leave him! So of course Jepha has to save the day, which he does by taking a break from canonically getting pegged canonically being into "anything" sexually tuning his bass to say "um, you're already dating, you dumbass. Also, could you guys keep it down, all that moaning and vibrating and opera last night kept me up." Quinn at first is all "what, no, look at him, he is actually a monkey." And Bert is all "woe HIDDEN BY WEIRDNESS AND ANTICS." But then Quinn is all "fine. FINE." And Bert is all "WHEEEEEEE. I bought you flowers and diamonds?"
QUINN: ???
BERT: The lady at the store told me that's what boys should do for their girlfriends.
QUINN: I'm sorry, did you miss my dick in your ass?
BERT: Well, obviously I miss it.
QUINN: Get in the bedroom.
JEPHA: I SAID KEEP IT DOWN. - He needs surgery for a node on his vocal chords: h/c extravaganza. Don't lie to me, you know you love that stuff.
- Okay, if you really can't deal with any of that, you might consider a Bert sexswap. Bert wakes up a girl! C'moooon. He'd be all upset and weirded out. His band would have to keep him off of scary drugs, because that's his normal reaction to hugely scary things, but they don't want him to screw up his chances of changing back! And then one day Quinn walks out into his living room, and Bert is sitting there in his "My pussy demands attention" t-shirt (see below), and he flips out at Quinn. He finally got up his nerve to call his mom, and she says it's another three months. What is he going to do? He can't handle this! He wants to get laid! (Oh my god, whatever, if you're interested email me and I will rant at you about the possibilities, there was seriously another whole paragraph here.)
"But sinsense," you say, "someone has to be evil!"
First, maybe you should have slightly more complicated conflicts in your stories. But I'm one to talk; I don't believe in writing things with plots. Ahahaha. Anyway. Here are some other people that can be evil:
- Matt Pelissier - he's kind of beefy, he's kind of tall, and he left MCR for undisclosed reasons.
- Lou Pearlman - he's creepy and committed some illegal actions, and much of your readership is familiar with popslash.
- An original character - I know we're all scared of these, because they can fall ridiculously flat, but they can work as evil characters, particularly if you're just using them to create conflict.
- Jared Leto - dude, I loved him in MSCL too. He is no longer that guy. He is a little rodenty and frightening. Barty Cubbins! C'mon.
- Any music executive - I know, I know. But music as a business! They're usually just out for the bottom line!
"But sinsense, I want to write Bert as evil."
Arrrrghghgnghghgkadhdpfiodfhjfhdafdhkeysmash.
Fine. I have some requests. None of these are aimed at any particular story; they're general trends. I don't find these things annoying in specific stories, and some of my favorites feature these things. It's just more that after a while I get sick of the factual inaccuracy.
First: BERT IS NOT BIG. Here are some pictures to show you how big Bert is:
HEART EXPLODING KTHX.
His little dance! With his little self!
He does this pose a lot, mostly because he is so small that he CAN.
Image title: tinyfistsofcute.png
God, it just. SO SMALL.
Bert and Jepha: united in tiny weeness.
LOOK HOW TINY AND PRECIOUS. The boy is not only slender (with tiny adorable tummy, numnumnum, want to bite), but he is short. 5'2" short. Shorter than Pete, shorter than Gerard, shorter than Frank, short short short. You could fold him up and put him into your cargo pocket, and he would say "hey, wow, roomy." The boy is made of tiny and small. He has to shop around for sunglasses that will not eat his head. Have I made my point? NOT BIG. That is my point. Teeny tiny little monkey!
Second: BERT IS NOT EVIL. Okay, fine, you want to write him as the bad guy. But offer me some characterization? Don't make him the devil. Please. This is a general plea, too; the bad guys need motivation. While Iago is an excellent villain, writing too many Iagos turns into the mirror image of the Superman problem.
This is Bert's HEART TATTOO.
He just wants to kiss you.
And give you an incredibly tight hug.
Third: BERT IS NOT CLOSETED. Um, really, really not.
Hey guys, would you like to touch my butt? Thank you!
The demanding pussy shirt combined with femmey pose. The rest of the band: trying to het it up as much as possible. Bert: still making the whole thing gaytastic.
He loves Quinn and wants to marry him. He makes out with him. He's talked about his sexuality candidly in the press, even when he was going to get shit for it. He's not repressed; he believes in sexing it up like a rockstar as often as he can. "Yum," Bert says, while humping Jepha's face and sticking his hand down Quinn's pants to fondle his naughty bits, "I like sex! With... people!" Boy howdy, does he ever. NOT CLOSETED. Was mean to Gerard? Quite possibly. In the closet? NEIN.
I think that's it.
EDIT: That's a lie! eleanor-lavish reminds me that I should have noted that Bert was a (rather good) gymnast. A GYMNAST. BENDY. Furthermore, if you are interested in writing Bert after this, please see this Blender article, also suggested to me by EL. Thank you!
If you don't want to read this whole thing, please just look at these pictures.
Bert is not big. Bert is not mean. He doesn't scare kids. Puppies love him.
I love that two new non-bandslash people just added me, and they're getting this as their first taste. Great. Sorry? Soon there will be introspection. And trees.