G.I. Joe: Cabbages and Kings #5: Arctic
Title: Arctic
Series: Cabbages and Kings #5 (BH/CG)
Fandom: G.I. Joe
Rated: PG-13
Summary: Two words: hypothermia protocol.
Disclaimer: Holy cow, I definitely don't own them... these days, they own ME!
Notes: Yes, I KNOW just how bad the tropes in this are... forgive me?
Arctic
Arctic
“C-c-cold…”
“Hey. Hey, I’m gonna turn you over, okay? Just relax. There. That better?”
“W-Wayne…?”
“Mmmhmm. Yeah. It’s me, darlin’.”
“Ohhh… ah. G-god. Can’t… can’t get… w-warm…”
“Ah! Ssss… Jesus. Easy with the cold feet, girl!”
“Wh-what…? Huh?”
“Nothing. Hey, you just rest up. Close your eyes. Just relax.”
“But… oh… tired.”
“S’okay. I’m here, Courtney, right behind you. Won’t let anything happen to you. You just let me take care of you, tough girl, and you work on getting yourself warmed up again.”
“You feel good.”
“Heh. Go to sleep, darlin’. I’ll still be here when you wake up.”
*_*_*_*
“Oh. Geez. I really have got to lay off those Cheez-Its before bed… my head is killing-WHAT THE HELL?!”
“What-ouch!”
“Beach Head?! What’s-get your hands off me!”
“Easy! Easy, Cinderella.”
“What do you mean, ‘easy’-get the Hell-what the-I’m naked?! Why am I-“
“Damn it, lie still, there is not enough room in this damned thermal bag for all of your-fuck! Goddamn, those elbows-stop that, damn you! So help me God, Courtney-!”
“That’s my line! What the fuck happened?!”
“Don’t you remember?”
“Remember?! Remember what?! I’m getting the Hell out of-“
“Princess, that ain’t a good idea-“
“Don’t you dare call me that-HOMIGOD it’s COLD! FUCK!”
“Told you. Get your ass back in here.”
“But… what the-close your damned eyes, Beach Head!”
“You ain’t got nothin’ I haven’t seen, touched, or kissed before, Cover Girl. Don’t flatter yourself. This is business. I promise, dealin’ with your freezing cold little ass ain’t a pleasure.”
“You asshole.”
“Telling it like it is. This offer’s only good for ten more seconds. Ten… nine… ah, damn it, you did that on purpose!”
“Oh… that’s much better.”
“Yeah, and your ass is still freezing. God-freakin’ A. They don’t pay me enough for this.”
“Oh, shut up. How’d… how’d we end up…”
“We didn’t have sex, if that’s what you’re thinkin’.”
“I wasn’t-“
“Yeah, you were. No, we didn’t. Geez, don’t you know better than that by now? You remember what happened?”
“Sure, I remember… we had those stupid Snow-Vipers on the run! Hah-they might as well have been aiming for the sky! I could practically drive right around their bullets… the ice treads on the Wolverine are a dream! But… I just… one minute, they were turning around and shooting for me, and the next… yeah, this big crack. Then my systems all went out. There was water coming in… it’s… it’s kind of fuzzy. I remember trying to get out the top, but the hatch was stuck. It was… I felt like I was burning.”
“Yeah, the water was just that cold. My guess is that the hatch wasn’t stuck, it was the pressure of the water on it, holding it down while you were sinking. The ice under you broke.”
“What?! But… Iceberg told us that lake ice was a solid meter thick, even in summer! It should have held the Wolverine!”
“Yeah. That’s the thing, isn’t it? It should have. ‘Cept… you know those APDS rounds you were dodgin’ so prettily? The goddamned snakes started aiming for the ice under your treads to cover their retreat.”
“…oh, those bastards!”
“Yeah.”
“That’s what happened? I went into a Greenland lake?! But… how… wait, but I’m alive. Aren’t I? If I’m not, which of the two options is this, exactly?”
“Obviously the dip in the cold didn’t do anything for your mouth, Cinderella. Thank the ninja. We saw you go in, and next thing, he’s running hell-bent for the water where your tank went down. He didn’t suit up, no air-tank, no nothing.”
“The… Snake-Eyes went in after me?! Oh, God! Is he okay?”
“Fine. Came swimmin’ up while Iceberg was still hauling on the diving gear. Easy as you please, like he was coming off the Florida coast, you over his shoulder. Both of you soaked to the skin, you were blue to your eyeballs and half popsicle… we almost couldn’t find a pulse on you, Princess. Of course, he wasn’t even shivering.”
“Oh. Oh, geez. That… that does sound like Snakes, heh. Now that you mention.”
“ I’m telling you, there is something just wrong with that man, but damned if I know what it is.”
“Right now, I really don’t care, Ranger Man. That ninja’s getting a big fat kiss on the lips next time I see him, and Red can hurt me for it later.”
“Hah!”
“So… huh. So that’s why I’m naked?”
“Stop being a brat, Princess. You know the hypothermia protocol, same as I do.”
“You people could have at least left me my underwear, Beach!”
“You weren’t in any condition to override the arctic survival specialist, let me tell you. What part of ‘soaked to the skin’ did you not understand? Did you want frostbite of your privates?”
“…a million different ways you could have worded it, and you picked that… so why are you here? Why not someone else?”
“Listen to that whine. God, you are a little bitch when you’re cold. We’re all guys here but you, remember? An’ I drew the straw.”
“You drew straws over who got to stay with me?! Of all the piggish-”
“Goddamn it. We drew straws over who had to stay behind with you, Cinderella!”
“What?!”
“Jesus H. Christ, there’s no pleasin’ you! You think this is easy?”
“Hah! Beach Head, do you know how much I used to get paid to take off my clothes?!”
“Do I look like I care? You think I wanna be here, lyin’ cuddled up with a naked, freezing cold woman I can’t even lay a hand on, and knowin’ the moment she wakes up she’s gonna tear into me? All while our guys are out there actually finding the bastards who put her in the water?!”
“I… oh.”
“Yeah, you think about that. And no, I didn’t let Snow Job get a pick after I caught him tryin’ to rig the straws, so where’s my ‘thank you?’”
“Oh, sure, I’ll give you a ‘thank you’ you’ll never-ow.”
“Hey. Cinderella? What’s going on? What’s hurting?”
“Yeah. M’fine. Just… ah. My hand won’t stop… ow… cramping.”
“Ah, fuck. Here. Turn towards me. Your arms’re probably missing their circulation.”
“I… what? No!”
“You want to keep all your fingers, this ain’t no time to be getting all missish on me. Deal with it, soldier.”
“I… I… okay, okay.”
“Fuck!”
“Ooooooh. Oh, you’re so warm… mmmm.”
“Goddamn it, your hands’re even colder than your damned feet!”
“…heh.”
“YOW! What was that for?!”
“Hah! Made you jump.”
“Damn you, girl, that ain’t funny-get those ice cube hands the fuckin’ Hell off my stomach!”
“Wow. You really do have just ridiculous abs, don’t you? You know, if this weren’t so incredibly awkward, it could almost be funny-ah-ah, dammit, my stupid hand… whoa. Wait a minute, what’re you-“
“You have just got the dirtiest mind, you know that?”
“I could have the mind of the Virgin Mary, and, I promise, a guy’s hands sliding along my stomach would still make me think the same thing.”
“Says the hypocrite who was feelin’ up my stomach a second ago?! Look-you were out of it for a damned long time, okay? If I wanted to cop a feel, I’d’ve done it then. Relax.”
“Because that’s supposed to make me feel better how?!”
“Oh for cryin’ out-you were the one who stuck your hands between us, and all of a sudden, now that I’m trying to keep you from getting frostbite in your fingers, I’m the pervert?”
“Ow! Ow… ooooh… hey… stop that, that…damn it, that hurts!”
“The only way to get the blood moving back into your fingers is to rub them, you know that. It’s only gonna get worse. I promise, you are gonna have the worst pins and needles you’ll ever feel in your pretty little life.”
“How do you know that?”
“Been in your shoes, darlin’. twenty klicks north of Vladivostok, back before the Joes. Enemy thought it’d be funny to leave me to die in the snow, wearin’ nothing but my long johns.”
“…oh. What… what happened?”
“Our scout found me during his canvass. Getting to a hospital wasn’t an option, since we were there on the… deniable side of the mission parameters.”
“So?”
“So… yeah.”
“So what happened?”
“…my team drew straws.”
“Oh. Oh! HAH!”
“Laugh it up, Barbie Doll. Laugh it up. Go on, get it out of your system. I’ll give you a second… and then you’re going for laps, I shit you not.”
“Oh! Oh… man… Beach, you…”
“You tell anyone that story, Cinderella, I’m tellin’ the guys you groped me while we were lyin’ together naked.”
“What-but-I didn’t!”
“So?”
“I swear, you are the most underhanded bastard…”
“Uh-huh. I might actually believe you if you weren’t still smiling.”
“…”
“…”
“…this is… weird. Ooooh.”
“What, the naked, or the way your hands’re feeling?”
“Don’t even get me started with the naked. Wait. Whoa, whoa. Are you naked?!”
“One-track mind. I swear.”
“It’s a perfectly valid question!”
“Why don’t you just check for yourself, if you’re so curious?”
“Wha-Beach Head!”
“You were asking for it. No, Cover Girl. I am not naked. Unlike you, my underwear didn’t take a dip in a subzero lake. And before it even floats to that dirty little mind of yours, I didn’t undress you, Snake-Eyes did.”
“Oh. Oh, ack… now there is something I’m not telling Shana.”
“That’s the damned smartest thought you’ve had since you woke up. Maybe the hypothermia is wearing off.”
“Ow. I hate you, Beach. I really do. More than anything. Owwww… no… no, wait, I take it back, I hate this place more.”
“Yeah.”
“Whoever named this place Greenland-“
“Had a really sick sense of humor, yeah.“
“Has a really sick sense of humor!”
“…”
“…”
“So…”
“Yeah.”
“Why’s it I normally can’t get you to shut your trap, but all of a sudden you’re all quiet?”
“Nnnnh… you were right. These… aaahh… these pins and needles suck. Ah-”
“Nnnh! Fuck! Goddamn it, Cover Girl! What the Hell was that?!”
“Sorry. Sorry. Just… I needed a distraction, and your arm was right there…”
“So you decided to bite me?! Distract yourself some other damned way!”
“Like how?”
“Talk, damn it! Because if you bite me again, I swear to God I am giving you something else to do with that mouth!”
“That’s… Beach, you did not just-“
“Talk, Barbie Doll!”
“Uh… give me something to talk about!”
“Uh… aw, Hell, I dunno. How’d you end up in modeling, anyway? There a story there?”
“You… actually want to know?”
“You told me to give you something to talk about, you never said I had to give a damn about it. As long as it keeps your teeth the fuck out of my skin, I really do not care.”
“A recruiter for an agency-what was it, Elite Model management-was stopping by a competition I was in. He saw the promotional poster, and thought I was… you know, model material. Took three Polaroids, and I figured he was just being kind of a creepy guy, but… the next day, the president of the company called me. And I thought it was a hoax at first, but then, well… they paid for me and my mom to go to New York, to the agency headquarters, and I figured… hey, why not, right? That’s it, really.”
“What kind of competition was this? And why the blazes was there a model recruiter at it?”
“Uh…mmph.”
“Oh, this is gonna be good, I can feel it.”
“How’d you come to that conclusion?”
“Doesn’t take a brain surgeon.”
“What do you mean?”
“Darlin’, you realize you ducked your face right into my neck, right? If that wasn’t a clue, I don’t know what is.”
“I… I… oh, shut up. It was the Nationals.”
“Uh-huh. For what, Cover Girl?”
“You’re going to laugh at me. I can see it.”
“Yeah. Yeah, well. Considering the situation, I could use a laugh right about now.”
“…”
“And if you don’t start speaking up, I’m gonna start guessing, and then you’re gonna have to be stuck in a thermal bag naked with someone you’re really pissed at.”
“…cheerleading, okay?”
“Cheerleading? You? You drive a frickin’ tank! You retool engines for fun!”
“Yeah, well, if I’d known about tanks in high school, I probably wouldn’t have become a model, now, would I?”
“HAH!”
“Look, wise guy, in my school, every girl tried out for the pom squad. And I was pretty, and coordinated, so… they took me.”
“Hmmm, sounds a bit defensive to me… Wait, wait. Pom squad? So… fluffy pom poms and all?!”
“Yes. Pom poms. And all.”
“And did you say Nationals?”
“…we were pretty good, what can I say?”
“Uh-huh. You’ll have to show me your routine, sometime, Cinderella.”
“Fuck off, you… you… you jerk. I swear, if you tell anyone-”
“See, now we’re even. How do your fingers feel?”
“I… I… oh. I can feel them again. Hey, they move.”
“Yeah, fingers do that. Hey… what’re you… wha-”
“Just getting comfortable, Ranger Man.”
“I ain’t your pillow. Get comfortable against someone else’s chest.”
“I would, but unfortunately, Duke’s not available.”
“…”
“What’s the matter, Master Sergeant, you can tease, but you can’t take the heat?”
“…I knew I shoulda just let Snow Job rig the damned straws… you think I’m kiddin’ about that? He was droolin’ right into that red beard of his at the thought of some hypothermia time with you.”
“It’s really disturbing that I believe you. Um… hey, Beach?”
“What?”
“I’m… glad it’s you. Kinda. I guess.”
“Huh? Why, Princess?”
“’Cause… ‘cause…”
“What?”
“’Cause… I dunno. I just… I know you’re not going to make a big deal out of it. I mean, we’re friends, sure, but… but if it’d been anyone else, I think… it’d be… I dunno, weird and awkward, later. Wouldn’t it? But you… it’ll always be… so professional, with you.”
“What the Hell else would it be?”
“I know, I know. It’s just that… I mean… if I were stuck naked with anyone else, I’m pretty sure most guys would… I don’t know. Do something dumb. Or at least react.”
“…”
“What?”
“Nothing, girl. Just… nothing.”
“What? You’ve got a funny look on your face.”
“I told you once before. I’m still a guy, and I ain’t blind. Or in this case, I ain’t dead, okay? Just… warmin’ you up’s something I gotta do, and that’s the job. Gotta do it. Watching over you’s my responsibility-like always.”
“I don’t get it, Beach. Is this your weird, roundabout way of explaining why you’re armed, even though we’re in the middle of abso-frickin-lutely nowhere? Is there any way we can move that damned pistol, by the way? It’s… kind of pressing in a really awkward place. And it might be an easy draw if there weren’t two of us in here, but I don’t know how you’re going to get to it in time…”
“…just drop it, girl.”
“Well… sheesh. Men and their guns. Okay, fine. If you don’t want to move it, I’ll move.”
“…Ah… don’t… nnnh… do that. Don’t worry about it. Just… stop wiggling around like that, and we’ll be fine.”
“But it’s… I… oh. Oh.”
“Princess?”
“I just realized something.”
“What’s that?”
“Those are your legs against mine.”
“Yeah? So?”
“They’re hairy.”
“Yeah, they’re legs. Y’know… I ain’t sure Snake got you out of that water in time. You sure you’re okay?!”
“You… you’re not wearing your BDUs? No holster, no belt?”
“For God’s sakes. You do read your field manuals, right, and you do know what ‘skin to skin’ means in the hypothermia protocol, right?”
“But you are in your underwear.”
“You know, you were a lot easier to deal with when you were out cold.”
“Boxers? Briefs?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know.”
“No pockets?”
“What? No. Do I look like a cyborg to you? Where the Hell would I have pockets?”
“So… that’s… that’s not a… I mean, you’re… um. Let me start again. You’re armed?”
“Of course. Armed times three. You know that, Cover Girl. Because just when you think you’re in the middle of nowhere and let your guard go down, that’s when-”
“Okay, okay, yes, I know the lecture. So where are the guns, Beach Head?”
“Mmph. Rifle’s up against the tent wall. My pistol’s over there, on the floor just behind you. Yours is under the pillow, Cinderella.”
“Oh. You mean… not…”
“No.”
“…oh.”
“See? Next time I tell you to drop it, just drop it. And no, I really wouldn’t go lookin’ unless you’re planning to actually do something about it, you hear me?!”
“Oh. Oh. I… I just… I guess I-oh.”
“You don’t have to say anything. In fact-don’t. Like I said. I ain’t dead, Princess. You gonna make an issue of it?”
“Uh… hmm. Just the job, huh?”
“If you do not wipe that goddamned smirk off your mouth, Cinderella, I swear to God you are leavin’ this thermal bag again, an’ this time you’re gonna be airborne when you do. I’m telling you, Uncle Sam doesn’t pay me enough for this shit.”
“Me, neither. Do you ever think…”
“What?”
“About more than just the job.”
“No. Why would I?”
“Yeah. Yeah, good point, Ranger Man. Just… just making small talk, I guess. Maybe the cold’s still in my head.”
“Maybe, Princess. Hey. How are you feeling?”
“Mmmmph. I… okay, I guess. Still cold through and through, but… nothing feels like it’s burning up anymore.”
“Yeah. That’s good. Hey. I’m gonna put my arm over you, get your core temp up a little more. You gonna hit me?”
“…no. I guess not. Maybe later. Oooh.”
“Hmm? What? You still getting those cramps?”
“I… uh… uh… no, no more cramps. It’s nothing. Just…”
“Just?”
“This feels… you know, kinda nice. Cozy. Weird, but…”
“Now I know the cold got to your brain. I ain’t no pretty blond Top, Courtney.”
“Yeah. I know who you are, Beach. Trust me… I know.”
“Uh… yeah. You okay?”
“Yeah. I’m okay. Wayne, I… just… thanks, all right?”
“For what?”
“I… nothing, Beach. Nothing.”
~fin~
June 11, 2009
Tee-hee... -cough- Here I go again with tossing poor Beach Head and Cover Girl into just the most trite and overused situations… but what can I say, they’re so much fun to torture!
I have never had hypothermia, but actually, if Cover Girl were to be so hypothermic as to require skin contact to warm her up, they’d probably have kept more than one person in that bag with her. And him rubbing her hands is actually inadvisable. But that’s what fanfiction is for…
Yes. I realize the gun misunderstanding is just plain terrible, and highly improbable besides-not even Courtney’s that dense!-but… I just couldn’t resist!
Series: Cabbages and Kings #5 (BH/CG)
Fandom: G.I. Joe
Rated: PG-13
Summary: Two words: hypothermia protocol.
Disclaimer: Holy cow, I definitely don't own them... these days, they own ME!
Notes: Yes, I KNOW just how bad the tropes in this are... forgive me?
Arctic
Arctic
“C-c-cold…”
“Hey. Hey, I’m gonna turn you over, okay? Just relax. There. That better?”
“W-Wayne…?”
“Mmmhmm. Yeah. It’s me, darlin’.”
“Ohhh… ah. G-god. Can’t… can’t get… w-warm…”
“Ah! Ssss… Jesus. Easy with the cold feet, girl!”
“Wh-what…? Huh?”
“Nothing. Hey, you just rest up. Close your eyes. Just relax.”
“But… oh… tired.”
“S’okay. I’m here, Courtney, right behind you. Won’t let anything happen to you. You just let me take care of you, tough girl, and you work on getting yourself warmed up again.”
“You feel good.”
“Heh. Go to sleep, darlin’. I’ll still be here when you wake up.”
*_*_*_*
“Oh. Geez. I really have got to lay off those Cheez-Its before bed… my head is killing-WHAT THE HELL?!”
“What-ouch!”
“Beach Head?! What’s-get your hands off me!”
“Easy! Easy, Cinderella.”
“What do you mean, ‘easy’-get the Hell-what the-I’m naked?! Why am I-“
“Damn it, lie still, there is not enough room in this damned thermal bag for all of your-fuck! Goddamn, those elbows-stop that, damn you! So help me God, Courtney-!”
“That’s my line! What the fuck happened?!”
“Don’t you remember?”
“Remember?! Remember what?! I’m getting the Hell out of-“
“Princess, that ain’t a good idea-“
“Don’t you dare call me that-HOMIGOD it’s COLD! FUCK!”
“Told you. Get your ass back in here.”
“But… what the-close your damned eyes, Beach Head!”
“You ain’t got nothin’ I haven’t seen, touched, or kissed before, Cover Girl. Don’t flatter yourself. This is business. I promise, dealin’ with your freezing cold little ass ain’t a pleasure.”
“You asshole.”
“Telling it like it is. This offer’s only good for ten more seconds. Ten… nine… ah, damn it, you did that on purpose!”
“Oh… that’s much better.”
“Yeah, and your ass is still freezing. God-freakin’ A. They don’t pay me enough for this.”
“Oh, shut up. How’d… how’d we end up…”
“We didn’t have sex, if that’s what you’re thinkin’.”
“I wasn’t-“
“Yeah, you were. No, we didn’t. Geez, don’t you know better than that by now? You remember what happened?”
“Sure, I remember… we had those stupid Snow-Vipers on the run! Hah-they might as well have been aiming for the sky! I could practically drive right around their bullets… the ice treads on the Wolverine are a dream! But… I just… one minute, they were turning around and shooting for me, and the next… yeah, this big crack. Then my systems all went out. There was water coming in… it’s… it’s kind of fuzzy. I remember trying to get out the top, but the hatch was stuck. It was… I felt like I was burning.”
“Yeah, the water was just that cold. My guess is that the hatch wasn’t stuck, it was the pressure of the water on it, holding it down while you were sinking. The ice under you broke.”
“What?! But… Iceberg told us that lake ice was a solid meter thick, even in summer! It should have held the Wolverine!”
“Yeah. That’s the thing, isn’t it? It should have. ‘Cept… you know those APDS rounds you were dodgin’ so prettily? The goddamned snakes started aiming for the ice under your treads to cover their retreat.”
“…oh, those bastards!”
“Yeah.”
“That’s what happened? I went into a Greenland lake?! But… how… wait, but I’m alive. Aren’t I? If I’m not, which of the two options is this, exactly?”
“Obviously the dip in the cold didn’t do anything for your mouth, Cinderella. Thank the ninja. We saw you go in, and next thing, he’s running hell-bent for the water where your tank went down. He didn’t suit up, no air-tank, no nothing.”
“The… Snake-Eyes went in after me?! Oh, God! Is he okay?”
“Fine. Came swimmin’ up while Iceberg was still hauling on the diving gear. Easy as you please, like he was coming off the Florida coast, you over his shoulder. Both of you soaked to the skin, you were blue to your eyeballs and half popsicle… we almost couldn’t find a pulse on you, Princess. Of course, he wasn’t even shivering.”
“Oh. Oh, geez. That… that does sound like Snakes, heh. Now that you mention.”
“ I’m telling you, there is something just wrong with that man, but damned if I know what it is.”
“Right now, I really don’t care, Ranger Man. That ninja’s getting a big fat kiss on the lips next time I see him, and Red can hurt me for it later.”
“Hah!”
“So… huh. So that’s why I’m naked?”
“Stop being a brat, Princess. You know the hypothermia protocol, same as I do.”
“You people could have at least left me my underwear, Beach!”
“You weren’t in any condition to override the arctic survival specialist, let me tell you. What part of ‘soaked to the skin’ did you not understand? Did you want frostbite of your privates?”
“…a million different ways you could have worded it, and you picked that… so why are you here? Why not someone else?”
“Listen to that whine. God, you are a little bitch when you’re cold. We’re all guys here but you, remember? An’ I drew the straw.”
“You drew straws over who got to stay with me?! Of all the piggish-”
“Goddamn it. We drew straws over who had to stay behind with you, Cinderella!”
“What?!”
“Jesus H. Christ, there’s no pleasin’ you! You think this is easy?”
“Hah! Beach Head, do you know how much I used to get paid to take off my clothes?!”
“Do I look like I care? You think I wanna be here, lyin’ cuddled up with a naked, freezing cold woman I can’t even lay a hand on, and knowin’ the moment she wakes up she’s gonna tear into me? All while our guys are out there actually finding the bastards who put her in the water?!”
“I… oh.”
“Yeah, you think about that. And no, I didn’t let Snow Job get a pick after I caught him tryin’ to rig the straws, so where’s my ‘thank you?’”
“Oh, sure, I’ll give you a ‘thank you’ you’ll never-ow.”
“Hey. Cinderella? What’s going on? What’s hurting?”
“Yeah. M’fine. Just… ah. My hand won’t stop… ow… cramping.”
“Ah, fuck. Here. Turn towards me. Your arms’re probably missing their circulation.”
“I… what? No!”
“You want to keep all your fingers, this ain’t no time to be getting all missish on me. Deal with it, soldier.”
“I… I… okay, okay.”
“Fuck!”
“Ooooooh. Oh, you’re so warm… mmmm.”
“Goddamn it, your hands’re even colder than your damned feet!”
“…heh.”
“YOW! What was that for?!”
“Hah! Made you jump.”
“Damn you, girl, that ain’t funny-get those ice cube hands the fuckin’ Hell off my stomach!”
“Wow. You really do have just ridiculous abs, don’t you? You know, if this weren’t so incredibly awkward, it could almost be funny-ah-ah, dammit, my stupid hand… whoa. Wait a minute, what’re you-“
“You have just got the dirtiest mind, you know that?”
“I could have the mind of the Virgin Mary, and, I promise, a guy’s hands sliding along my stomach would still make me think the same thing.”
“Says the hypocrite who was feelin’ up my stomach a second ago?! Look-you were out of it for a damned long time, okay? If I wanted to cop a feel, I’d’ve done it then. Relax.”
“Because that’s supposed to make me feel better how?!”
“Oh for cryin’ out-you were the one who stuck your hands between us, and all of a sudden, now that I’m trying to keep you from getting frostbite in your fingers, I’m the pervert?”
“Ow! Ow… ooooh… hey… stop that, that…damn it, that hurts!”
“The only way to get the blood moving back into your fingers is to rub them, you know that. It’s only gonna get worse. I promise, you are gonna have the worst pins and needles you’ll ever feel in your pretty little life.”
“How do you know that?”
“Been in your shoes, darlin’. twenty klicks north of Vladivostok, back before the Joes. Enemy thought it’d be funny to leave me to die in the snow, wearin’ nothing but my long johns.”
“…oh. What… what happened?”
“Our scout found me during his canvass. Getting to a hospital wasn’t an option, since we were there on the… deniable side of the mission parameters.”
“So?”
“So… yeah.”
“So what happened?”
“…my team drew straws.”
“Oh. Oh! HAH!”
“Laugh it up, Barbie Doll. Laugh it up. Go on, get it out of your system. I’ll give you a second… and then you’re going for laps, I shit you not.”
“Oh! Oh… man… Beach, you…”
“You tell anyone that story, Cinderella, I’m tellin’ the guys you groped me while we were lyin’ together naked.”
“What-but-I didn’t!”
“So?”
“I swear, you are the most underhanded bastard…”
“Uh-huh. I might actually believe you if you weren’t still smiling.”
“…”
“…”
“…this is… weird. Ooooh.”
“What, the naked, or the way your hands’re feeling?”
“Don’t even get me started with the naked. Wait. Whoa, whoa. Are you naked?!”
“One-track mind. I swear.”
“It’s a perfectly valid question!”
“Why don’t you just check for yourself, if you’re so curious?”
“Wha-Beach Head!”
“You were asking for it. No, Cover Girl. I am not naked. Unlike you, my underwear didn’t take a dip in a subzero lake. And before it even floats to that dirty little mind of yours, I didn’t undress you, Snake-Eyes did.”
“Oh. Oh, ack… now there is something I’m not telling Shana.”
“That’s the damned smartest thought you’ve had since you woke up. Maybe the hypothermia is wearing off.”
“Ow. I hate you, Beach. I really do. More than anything. Owwww… no… no, wait, I take it back, I hate this place more.”
“Yeah.”
“Whoever named this place Greenland-“
“Had a really sick sense of humor, yeah.“
“Has a really sick sense of humor!”
“…”
“…”
“So…”
“Yeah.”
“Why’s it I normally can’t get you to shut your trap, but all of a sudden you’re all quiet?”
“Nnnnh… you were right. These… aaahh… these pins and needles suck. Ah-”
“Nnnh! Fuck! Goddamn it, Cover Girl! What the Hell was that?!”
“Sorry. Sorry. Just… I needed a distraction, and your arm was right there…”
“So you decided to bite me?! Distract yourself some other damned way!”
“Like how?”
“Talk, damn it! Because if you bite me again, I swear to God I am giving you something else to do with that mouth!”
“That’s… Beach, you did not just-“
“Talk, Barbie Doll!”
“Uh… give me something to talk about!”
“Uh… aw, Hell, I dunno. How’d you end up in modeling, anyway? There a story there?”
“You… actually want to know?”
“You told me to give you something to talk about, you never said I had to give a damn about it. As long as it keeps your teeth the fuck out of my skin, I really do not care.”
“A recruiter for an agency-what was it, Elite Model management-was stopping by a competition I was in. He saw the promotional poster, and thought I was… you know, model material. Took three Polaroids, and I figured he was just being kind of a creepy guy, but… the next day, the president of the company called me. And I thought it was a hoax at first, but then, well… they paid for me and my mom to go to New York, to the agency headquarters, and I figured… hey, why not, right? That’s it, really.”
“What kind of competition was this? And why the blazes was there a model recruiter at it?”
“Uh…mmph.”
“Oh, this is gonna be good, I can feel it.”
“How’d you come to that conclusion?”
“Doesn’t take a brain surgeon.”
“What do you mean?”
“Darlin’, you realize you ducked your face right into my neck, right? If that wasn’t a clue, I don’t know what is.”
“I… I… oh, shut up. It was the Nationals.”
“Uh-huh. For what, Cover Girl?”
“You’re going to laugh at me. I can see it.”
“Yeah. Yeah, well. Considering the situation, I could use a laugh right about now.”
“…”
“And if you don’t start speaking up, I’m gonna start guessing, and then you’re gonna have to be stuck in a thermal bag naked with someone you’re really pissed at.”
“…cheerleading, okay?”
“Cheerleading? You? You drive a frickin’ tank! You retool engines for fun!”
“Yeah, well, if I’d known about tanks in high school, I probably wouldn’t have become a model, now, would I?”
“HAH!”
“Look, wise guy, in my school, every girl tried out for the pom squad. And I was pretty, and coordinated, so… they took me.”
“Hmmm, sounds a bit defensive to me… Wait, wait. Pom squad? So… fluffy pom poms and all?!”
“Yes. Pom poms. And all.”
“And did you say Nationals?”
“…we were pretty good, what can I say?”
“Uh-huh. You’ll have to show me your routine, sometime, Cinderella.”
“Fuck off, you… you… you jerk. I swear, if you tell anyone-”
“See, now we’re even. How do your fingers feel?”
“I… I… oh. I can feel them again. Hey, they move.”
“Yeah, fingers do that. Hey… what’re you… wha-”
“Just getting comfortable, Ranger Man.”
“I ain’t your pillow. Get comfortable against someone else’s chest.”
“I would, but unfortunately, Duke’s not available.”
“…”
“What’s the matter, Master Sergeant, you can tease, but you can’t take the heat?”
“…I knew I shoulda just let Snow Job rig the damned straws… you think I’m kiddin’ about that? He was droolin’ right into that red beard of his at the thought of some hypothermia time with you.”
“It’s really disturbing that I believe you. Um… hey, Beach?”
“What?”
“I’m… glad it’s you. Kinda. I guess.”
“Huh? Why, Princess?”
“’Cause… ‘cause…”
“What?”
“’Cause… I dunno. I just… I know you’re not going to make a big deal out of it. I mean, we’re friends, sure, but… but if it’d been anyone else, I think… it’d be… I dunno, weird and awkward, later. Wouldn’t it? But you… it’ll always be… so professional, with you.”
“What the Hell else would it be?”
“I know, I know. It’s just that… I mean… if I were stuck naked with anyone else, I’m pretty sure most guys would… I don’t know. Do something dumb. Or at least react.”
“…”
“What?”
“Nothing, girl. Just… nothing.”
“What? You’ve got a funny look on your face.”
“I told you once before. I’m still a guy, and I ain’t blind. Or in this case, I ain’t dead, okay? Just… warmin’ you up’s something I gotta do, and that’s the job. Gotta do it. Watching over you’s my responsibility-like always.”
“I don’t get it, Beach. Is this your weird, roundabout way of explaining why you’re armed, even though we’re in the middle of abso-frickin-lutely nowhere? Is there any way we can move that damned pistol, by the way? It’s… kind of pressing in a really awkward place. And it might be an easy draw if there weren’t two of us in here, but I don’t know how you’re going to get to it in time…”
“…just drop it, girl.”
“Well… sheesh. Men and their guns. Okay, fine. If you don’t want to move it, I’ll move.”
“…Ah… don’t… nnnh… do that. Don’t worry about it. Just… stop wiggling around like that, and we’ll be fine.”
“But it’s… I… oh. Oh.”
“Princess?”
“I just realized something.”
“What’s that?”
“Those are your legs against mine.”
“Yeah? So?”
“They’re hairy.”
“Yeah, they’re legs. Y’know… I ain’t sure Snake got you out of that water in time. You sure you’re okay?!”
“You… you’re not wearing your BDUs? No holster, no belt?”
“For God’s sakes. You do read your field manuals, right, and you do know what ‘skin to skin’ means in the hypothermia protocol, right?”
“But you are in your underwear.”
“You know, you were a lot easier to deal with when you were out cold.”
“Boxers? Briefs?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know.”
“No pockets?”
“What? No. Do I look like a cyborg to you? Where the Hell would I have pockets?”
“So… that’s… that’s not a… I mean, you’re… um. Let me start again. You’re armed?”
“Of course. Armed times three. You know that, Cover Girl. Because just when you think you’re in the middle of nowhere and let your guard go down, that’s when-”
“Okay, okay, yes, I know the lecture. So where are the guns, Beach Head?”
“Mmph. Rifle’s up against the tent wall. My pistol’s over there, on the floor just behind you. Yours is under the pillow, Cinderella.”
“Oh. You mean… not…”
“No.”
“…oh.”
“See? Next time I tell you to drop it, just drop it. And no, I really wouldn’t go lookin’ unless you’re planning to actually do something about it, you hear me?!”
“Oh. Oh. I… I just… I guess I-oh.”
“You don’t have to say anything. In fact-don’t. Like I said. I ain’t dead, Princess. You gonna make an issue of it?”
“Uh… hmm. Just the job, huh?”
“If you do not wipe that goddamned smirk off your mouth, Cinderella, I swear to God you are leavin’ this thermal bag again, an’ this time you’re gonna be airborne when you do. I’m telling you, Uncle Sam doesn’t pay me enough for this shit.”
“Me, neither. Do you ever think…”
“What?”
“About more than just the job.”
“No. Why would I?”
“Yeah. Yeah, good point, Ranger Man. Just… just making small talk, I guess. Maybe the cold’s still in my head.”
“Maybe, Princess. Hey. How are you feeling?”
“Mmmmph. I… okay, I guess. Still cold through and through, but… nothing feels like it’s burning up anymore.”
“Yeah. That’s good. Hey. I’m gonna put my arm over you, get your core temp up a little more. You gonna hit me?”
“…no. I guess not. Maybe later. Oooh.”
“Hmm? What? You still getting those cramps?”
“I… uh… uh… no, no more cramps. It’s nothing. Just…”
“Just?”
“This feels… you know, kinda nice. Cozy. Weird, but…”
“Now I know the cold got to your brain. I ain’t no pretty blond Top, Courtney.”
“Yeah. I know who you are, Beach. Trust me… I know.”
“Uh… yeah. You okay?”
“Yeah. I’m okay. Wayne, I… just… thanks, all right?”
“For what?”
“I… nothing, Beach. Nothing.”
~fin~
June 11, 2009
Tee-hee... -cough- Here I go again with tossing poor Beach Head and Cover Girl into just the most trite and overused situations… but what can I say, they’re so much fun to torture!
I have never had hypothermia, but actually, if Cover Girl were to be so hypothermic as to require skin contact to warm her up, they’d probably have kept more than one person in that bag with her. And him rubbing her hands is actually inadvisable. But that’s what fanfiction is for…
Yes. I realize the gun misunderstanding is just plain terrible, and highly improbable besides-not even Courtney’s that dense!-but… I just couldn’t resist!