☮ 18; video BACKDATED TO FATHERS DAY NIGHT
[The camera is a little shaky before its finally set down -- upside down you see Big Boss in all his (not yet naked, unfortunately) glory. He blinks, notices it, and turns the device around. This is Big Boss, obviously a Big Drunk right now. He seems to be in a chipper mood, if a little out of it. He's waiting for someone, but in the meantime, he might as well do a little broadcast, right--?
He's not slurring at all. Oh no. After all, HE DIDN'T DRINK. It's all in your head.]
Everybody listen!
As I'm sure you all know today is a very important day. About sixty years ago -- or is it hundred now? Well I guess it doesn't matter, the point is that a looong time ago they came up with this nice little celebration for dads all around the world so their brats would pay them some respect because they don't do it on their own. Yeah, that's right, kids these days have no fucking respe--anyway, I'm sure you're sitting there asking yourselves now, 'so what, it's Father's Day, great, why is this guy posting about it isn't he shooting blanks or something' WELL I am, naturally, because serving as a fucking Bikini guinea pig and getting nuked twice by the great U S of A will do that to you, it kind of just kills off all your little friends down there, poof. 'We are very sorry, Monsieur Miles, but we are afraid your test results have proven that you are indeed sterile, oui.' Sterile, that's what they call it, sterile like a hospital room, blank. That's what modern science can tell you, but it doesn't matter because our marvelous modern world and science have brought us so many other fantastic wonders. Like that carp. I hear there was a sheep too, I hope it tasted good. Oh, and snakes. Lots and lots of little baby snakes. Well actually just three, but that's still a lot, enough for a dinner date. Anyway so the thing is, when you're unable to make babies, or you're just too lazy or too much of a prude, they just use magic and create an exact duplicates and you can pretend they're your kids or whatever. Maybe not exact exact, but pretty damn close, though they're still just cheap imitations, but who cares, at least they're pretty and they're your flesh and blood. Like, literally. That's the only thing that matters, right? Your blood, your family, so I guess I'm a dad after all, like it or not, and that means I can celebrate this day as much as I like, and oh, if you're a father too -- or even a hot mom -- you should join me, because who knows when you will next get to celebrate, your flesh and blood might have killed you at this time next year. Yeah, sad, I know, but it happens, it's just in the family. Natural. Also, there's still space in my Love Box and Snake's not coming, neither is that small cat, or the bigger cat, or the small one with the big cat ears -- meow, meow, meow? -- so I guess maybe cats don't like snakes, or dead sperm, they can probably smell that ten miles against the wind, not like I'd know though. And don't get me started on that loser, he's probably off somewhere crying himself to sleep because he doesn't have a dad anymore, tragic. But that's okay too, because I'd just charge him for my show, and he already owes me like one million bucks and I'm not heartless. So, anyway, it's time for the real me to--
[And that's where it stops, just as he's about to STRIP, and you can vaguely hear Snake yelling and the device gets knocked over, black screen, no audio either after a second.]
--H-HEY. Just when I was about to--!
[Whump.]
He's not slurring at all. Oh no. After all, HE DIDN'T DRINK. It's all in your head.]
Everybody listen!
As I'm sure you all know today is a very important day. About sixty years ago -- or is it hundred now? Well I guess it doesn't matter, the point is that a looong time ago they came up with this nice little celebration for dads all around the world so their brats would pay them some respect because they don't do it on their own. Yeah, that's right, kids these days have no fucking respe--anyway, I'm sure you're sitting there asking yourselves now, 'so what, it's Father's Day, great, why is this guy posting about it isn't he shooting blanks or something' WELL I am, naturally, because serving as a fucking Bikini guinea pig and getting nuked twice by the great U S of A will do that to you, it kind of just kills off all your little friends down there, poof. 'We are very sorry, Monsieur Miles, but we are afraid your test results have proven that you are indeed sterile, oui.' Sterile, that's what they call it, sterile like a hospital room, blank. That's what modern science can tell you, but it doesn't matter because our marvelous modern world and science have brought us so many other fantastic wonders. Like that carp. I hear there was a sheep too, I hope it tasted good. Oh, and snakes. Lots and lots of little baby snakes. Well actually just three, but that's still a lot, enough for a dinner date. Anyway so the thing is, when you're unable to make babies, or you're just too lazy or too much of a prude, they just use magic and create an exact duplicates and you can pretend they're your kids or whatever. Maybe not exact exact, but pretty damn close, though they're still just cheap imitations, but who cares, at least they're pretty and they're your flesh and blood. Like, literally. That's the only thing that matters, right? Your blood, your family, so I guess I'm a dad after all, like it or not, and that means I can celebrate this day as much as I like, and oh, if you're a father too -- or even a hot mom -- you should join me, because who knows when you will next get to celebrate, your flesh and blood might have killed you at this time next year. Yeah, sad, I know, but it happens, it's just in the family. Natural. Also, there's still space in my Love Box and Snake's not coming, neither is that small cat, or the bigger cat, or the small one with the big cat ears -- meow, meow, meow? -- so I guess maybe cats don't like snakes, or dead sperm, they can probably smell that ten miles against the wind, not like I'd know though. And don't get me started on that loser, he's probably off somewhere crying himself to sleep because he doesn't have a dad anymore, tragic. But that's okay too, because I'd just charge him for my show, and he already owes me like one million bucks and I'm not heartless. So, anyway, it's time for the real me to--
[And that's where it stops, just as he's about to STRIP, and you can vaguely hear Snake yelling and the device gets knocked over, black screen, no audio either after a second.]
--H-HEY. Just when I was about to--!
[Whump.]