(no subject)
Sigh. Every so often I get like this. I can't go to sleep because I eh, feel a bit lonesome. Ever want to just cuddle with someone? Fall asleep with someone?
So I'm trying to figure out what my problem is
Random thoughts of past
better editted as*
Alright so lets go back, way back to my junior highschool years.
If its so hard to believe I was a very shy little girl back then and sheltered. Overprotective mother and father and from the constant teasing I got from my elementary years, well..lets just say I wasn't one of the popular people. Anyway, I remember my eight grade year I had a crush on this boy, Mark. He was my social studies teacher's son. Anyway, one day during my Language Arts class, a few girls come up to me and ask if I like Mark. Of course I hesitated at first and said yes. Then they asked me if I would ever go out with him. and here is what I said (and it is one of the most stupidest lines I think I've ever said)
"Yea, I guess so..If my mom will let me."
Hold the phone. Thats just..present Jen wanting to strangle little Jen. Needless to say I never went out with him.
===
Fast forward to my ninth grade year, when I first developed a crush on Ryan Walsh. The stereotypical skater/punk boy. Now for some reason I left my few middle school friends behind to go to a high school I had never heard about, only to go there because it was a magnet school (teacher academy). Anyway, Ryan and the other punks/freaks/goths whatever the fuck you want to call them hung out in a corner of the courtyard before school and during lunch. How I longed to be a part of that group. Considering most of the school was primarily black (more than 80 percent I'm guessing) I really had no where to hang out.
At first I hung out all by my lonesome eating my lunchable (god help me) and then I met a girl who also brought her own lunch and tada wow now i have someone to talk to.
Besides that, in ninth grade I was..well a nerd/geek/ still sheltered and still wearing glasses (oh joy) I looked young for my age blah.
So this crush on Ryan Walsh lasted for four years, I even was so bold as to tell him I liked him. I got rejected of course, and there goes my self esteem (not that i had much at the time). But four fucking years. Ridiculous. If only that fucker could see me now.
===
Alright so fast forth to my wonderful tenth grade year. I got contacts! That was a plus. The best thing about this year is this is the year me and Rebecca started hanging out with eachother alot more often. And I had a lunch buddy. I guess we were both sort of outsiders at the time. Anyway. We always had crushes and we'd give a color to our crush so we wouldn't have to call them by their name. Lets just say I had a whole rainbow of colors. If I couldn't get one crush, I quickly went to another. Rebecca and I also had notebooks which we would fill up with notes, drawings, things about crushes, our day and of course overexaggerating any type of attention we would get from one of our crushes.
Rebecca had one major crush, I had about four. So lets see if I remember them all...
Tenth grade of course I still liked Ryan Walsh (I believe his color was blue..)
There was also Brandon (he was in my Spanish class. Hung out with the punks/freaks/goths) and whats even more pathetic is he drank code red mountain dew. and of course I started drinking that
Then there was Zach (jewish boy with lots of hair, chin pubes (as becca would call em), and glasses) I liked him, ultimately he didn't like me and ended up going out with this chick with pink hair.
I remember Becca and I would walk around the overhang of the courtyard, and I'd make sure I'd be on the outside so I could see my crushes from a good distance. Then I would ask "Rebecca, did he look at me?" Yes, pathetic. Jen is still the shy little girl.
Mmk so still not very good eh?
===
Jump to my eleventh grade year, one of my worst years I'd have to say. Eleventh grade. Lets see, nothing interesting happened really until the beginning of second semester in January. This is when Rebecca started going out with Josh. Back then there were jealousy issues. Josh and I even hated eachother. We both wanted rebecca's attention etc. Besides that one good thing came of this- we started hanging out with the group in the corner. Yes, Ryans group.
Of course I developed a few crushes.
Howard- Stoner, pothead, whatever you want to call him, this kid was fucked up. Looks like a fucked up version of michael pitt.
Ryan- of course.
Charles- which I suppose he liked me and oh he was my first kiss. Shocking I know. Age 16, first kiss. You'd never expect that from me
Oh and this is also the time I got my first (and only) boyfriend. doug. I went out with him because rebecca had a boyfriend and I didn't want to feel left out. We ended up going out a few days before valentines day (my birthday) due to some valentine love dice someone brought to school (it had things like kiss me, hug me, lick me, make out with me) and we rolled the dice, got make out. now I'm a little nervous because A. I liked doug, B. I never made out with anyone! Well we make out..or at least I attempt to, but hey, we ended up going out anyway
That lasted one week. He was egotisitcal and only liked talking about himself and he only wanted to make out all the time.
and then came the infamous Rob
Rob- the bisexual whom everyone had a crush on, boys, girls, everyone. He was new to the school. He used to give becca alot of attention and I developed a crush on him. It was awesome (at the time) when he wrote me a note asking if I liked him etc. I responded back saying yes and asked him how he felt. He said he liked me too.
So here is how the story goes. Rob used to go out with Dan (I think..well maybe not but they were always kissing) anyway rob is finally availabe (oh and I should probably mention my transition from my skirt/peasant shirt wearing days to my black, and band tee shirt days. yep, I made a transition. Baggy pants, dark colors, big hoodies) So we talk on the phone for awhile joke about whos gonna ask who out first
and then he goes to New York, family business. and I told him when he came back I was going to ask him out (yes, I actually became bold for once, at the time of course) and he said "not if I ask you first"
Alright so obviously its a go! right? wrong.
He comes back, we go to the park. It was a better time than never to ask this boy out. So I did.
and
he said no, he made up stupid excuses (as boys always do) and I was left going to the park bathroom crying my eyes out and calling rebecca.
This was a major let down for me. He lied to me, I liked him so much. He even went over to my house and was the first boy to spend the night (in another room but still, it counted) I never got over him until the next year, only to find out he was going out with someone else.
Yea, that kid fucked my whole outlook on myself pretty bad. Anyway. at least I made friends with the rest of the people in the group
Then summer rolls around. I get invited to Lisa and Erica's sweet sixteen and I meet my new friends (the ones I still have now)
One of these friends is Jon.
===
Okay fast forward. SENIOR YEAR. Probably the most..transitional period of my life thus far.
Rebecca and Josh were still going out. I still was crushing on Ryan. And Rob left the school, thank god.
I do believe I had a small crush on Howard.
I can't remember if I liked anyone else.
Anyway.
Senior year. This is when I got my car. This is also the time I began to despise everyone in the corner. I was tired of their shit. Their drama, their having to be in your business all the fucking time. So I looked to new friends. These friends, well, I did some interesting things.
I tried pot for the first time (and it certainly wasnt the last)
I got my car totalled
I got a new car
I got a ticket
Besides that. since that all happened first semester.
The new year rolls around
finally developed my own style instead of stealing others
===
Since I have met Jon I do think I made a huge transition.
Shall we get to the juicy stuff now?
As we know, some people like to refer bases. first, second, third, home? ( i think its home..home run. something like that)
Jon used to live in an apartment building and when I started hanging out with him I started hanging out with his friends that lived around there. Two of them being Josh(not rebecca's) and James.
Josh- cute dark curly haired boy. whore. still effing cute, nice lips, funny, ladies man type of guy
James- also a whore. peru accent (hot), dark hair, nice body.
Alright..lets refer to second base as..not kissing, making out or groping. got it?
Movie theater. I sit next to Josh (i started flirting with him since I met him) he takes my cell phone. puts it in his pants. I ask for it back, he plays around not giving me it back, so what do i do?
well..I fish it out. and then his hand seems to find my thigh and entrance to my pants.
and that is all I will say about that.
So the movies over. I don't remember anything about it just that it was called the forgotten. a really horrible thing came out of this. the lights came on before Josh could buckle his pants. and unfortunately we weren't too discrete because my friends knew what was going on the entire time.
So yes, first experience with that. now lets fast forward a little bit more. Still flirting with josh.
made out with him
and then..I guess I found i didn't like josh much anymore (or i think maybe he got a girlfriend)
so I moved onto James.
Same thing happened with him, just not in a movie theater.
Insert graduate somewhere about here
===
Fast forward to...Last summer. Might I add, I had become very happy with myself and not as insecure.
Okay convention number one. in orlando. stayed at jon's close friends house. (made out with James and shared a couch with him. didn't know he had a girlfriend, woops)
and now we cue Mike. Yes, Mike.
I had been crushing on this guy Mike for a very long time. (I'm sure most of you know who I am talking about since I talk about him all the time) well want to know how our fucked up 'relationship' if you would call it that began?
Metrocon. Anime convention. Me, Jon, Paul, Mike, and this girl Mary.
Stay in one hotel room. I have a bed, jon has a bed. Mary sleeps next to paul and mike sleeps in a corner beside my bed on the floor.
First night at the hotel.
It begins with a hair massage (I swear, this gets him EVERY time because it has yet to prove wrong). Which lead onto shoulder massages, which then lead to me 'accidently' falling over on the floor by him. I remember this. boy do I remember it all. the Gorillaz CD was playing. Their self entitled album. Over and over, he had it on his cd player with speakers. Anyway. He obviously knows what he was dong (although he made up the excuse that it was the nightquil. he had taken it to help him fall asleep. didn't work obviously)
So things are done, i give my first hj. shocking. With josh it was really only petting. And I get the same from mike in return.
So the night is over, mike is sick from the nightquil the next day and Jen just can't keep her big mouth shut! On my comforter (which he had pulled off the bed and over us) was a stain. Mary noticed it, i whispered to her what happened then later that day I told Jon I remember how i said it to "I did something stupid i think" and he ended up saying that they already knew what we were doing at least jon did because um..well I guess he heard noises.
Anyway. Mike completely ignored me for an entire month. pissed that i spilled the beans and at first denying anything ever happened. Anyway. we work through it, agree to niever mention it again and tehn nothing happens...that is
until hurricane season rolled around
This was novemberish? of last year (yea at the whole time my car accident etc) I didn't have any lights! my house was out of power for days and I coldn't stand it. so...dad and me drvoe around and I said "hey lets hit up jons" so we go there and I end up staying the night there. along with a few other guys, mike being one of them . Mike and I end up sleeping in teh infamous third bedroom. now ican't remember if paul was sleeping there or not..but it doesn't matter anyway. mike was on the floor again. and I began with the hair massage
yada yada same thing that happened in the convention happens now
and yet again it happens, at another convention. except this time its not a hj, okie dokie catch my drift?
three times.
and then jsut recently of course (i getting nothing out of the deal) which made me late for class.
four.
fucked up relationship whatever it is eh?
Alright so now that we got mike out of the way. we moved onto all my so called crushes and let downs
Heres the deal. I find interest in a guy. I end up thinking I like them and let them know that, but by the time we are about to go out etc. or if I start talking to them more, i back out of it. I don't like them anymore
This happened with paul twice (whom I've also made out with a few times while he was on the rebound. so easy when they are on the rebound)
Darryll. thought I liked him ended up not.
Chirs. weird myspace guy. kissed him, then he got all creepy and made sarah tell him she was my girlfriend
Jon. never liked him but he liekd me
phillip. didn't like him and i guess hes developed some hatred towards me
john. nice guy, but im not attracted to him
I guess between this time I also started develooping a lot of confidence. maybe even an ego...okay, yes, an ego.
I also have this problme with kissing guys or doing things with them even though they have a girlfriend.
Jay- had a girlfriend I didn't give a fuck ended up making out in the woods
Neil- most recent (becca's wedding) this april. made out with him. operation break up (becaue becca and I hated the girl he was going out with)
Alright so..I guess this is where I get my reputation? well it does bother me when jon calls me a whore. because I'm not. Its not like I'm having sex with any of these guys. I just dont like strings attached. I'm picky and yes a bit superfical.I guess.. I get what I want adnt then dont want it anymore
anyway.
Now I have a new interest, Bradley. Nice guy, I will go after him (since hes what I want)
I wonder how long this one will last.
Yea, I'm sure I got a few bits and pieces scrambled up there. I'm not good with dates or timelines. but thats the basic run down.
I guess. I don't give up til i get what i want.
Yea. Alot.
Dont mind the lj cut unles you wanna read a shit load about my past
-Jen
So I'm trying to figure out what my problem is
Random thoughts of past
better editted as*
Alright so lets go back, way back to my junior highschool years.
If its so hard to believe I was a very shy little girl back then and sheltered. Overprotective mother and father and from the constant teasing I got from my elementary years, well..lets just say I wasn't one of the popular people. Anyway, I remember my eight grade year I had a crush on this boy, Mark. He was my social studies teacher's son. Anyway, one day during my Language Arts class, a few girls come up to me and ask if I like Mark. Of course I hesitated at first and said yes. Then they asked me if I would ever go out with him. and here is what I said (and it is one of the most stupidest lines I think I've ever said)
"Yea, I guess so..If my mom will let me."
Hold the phone. Thats just..present Jen wanting to strangle little Jen. Needless to say I never went out with him.
===
Fast forward to my ninth grade year, when I first developed a crush on Ryan Walsh. The stereotypical skater/punk boy. Now for some reason I left my few middle school friends behind to go to a high school I had never heard about, only to go there because it was a magnet school (teacher academy). Anyway, Ryan and the other punks/freaks/goths whatever the fuck you want to call them hung out in a corner of the courtyard before school and during lunch. How I longed to be a part of that group. Considering most of the school was primarily black (more than 80 percent I'm guessing) I really had no where to hang out.
At first I hung out all by my lonesome eating my lunchable (god help me) and then I met a girl who also brought her own lunch and tada wow now i have someone to talk to.
Besides that, in ninth grade I was..well a nerd/geek/ still sheltered and still wearing glasses (oh joy) I looked young for my age blah.
So this crush on Ryan Walsh lasted for four years, I even was so bold as to tell him I liked him. I got rejected of course, and there goes my self esteem (not that i had much at the time). But four fucking years. Ridiculous. If only that fucker could see me now.
===
Alright so fast forth to my wonderful tenth grade year. I got contacts! That was a plus. The best thing about this year is this is the year me and Rebecca started hanging out with eachother alot more often. And I had a lunch buddy. I guess we were both sort of outsiders at the time. Anyway. We always had crushes and we'd give a color to our crush so we wouldn't have to call them by their name. Lets just say I had a whole rainbow of colors. If I couldn't get one crush, I quickly went to another. Rebecca and I also had notebooks which we would fill up with notes, drawings, things about crushes, our day and of course overexaggerating any type of attention we would get from one of our crushes.
Rebecca had one major crush, I had about four. So lets see if I remember them all...
Tenth grade of course I still liked Ryan Walsh (I believe his color was blue..)
There was also Brandon (he was in my Spanish class. Hung out with the punks/freaks/goths) and whats even more pathetic is he drank code red mountain dew. and of course I started drinking that
Then there was Zach (jewish boy with lots of hair, chin pubes (as becca would call em), and glasses) I liked him, ultimately he didn't like me and ended up going out with this chick with pink hair.
I remember Becca and I would walk around the overhang of the courtyard, and I'd make sure I'd be on the outside so I could see my crushes from a good distance. Then I would ask "Rebecca, did he look at me?" Yes, pathetic. Jen is still the shy little girl.
Mmk so still not very good eh?
===
Jump to my eleventh grade year, one of my worst years I'd have to say. Eleventh grade. Lets see, nothing interesting happened really until the beginning of second semester in January. This is when Rebecca started going out with Josh. Back then there were jealousy issues. Josh and I even hated eachother. We both wanted rebecca's attention etc. Besides that one good thing came of this- we started hanging out with the group in the corner. Yes, Ryans group.
Of course I developed a few crushes.
Howard- Stoner, pothead, whatever you want to call him, this kid was fucked up. Looks like a fucked up version of michael pitt.
Ryan- of course.
Charles- which I suppose he liked me and oh he was my first kiss. Shocking I know. Age 16, first kiss. You'd never expect that from me
Oh and this is also the time I got my first (and only) boyfriend. doug. I went out with him because rebecca had a boyfriend and I didn't want to feel left out. We ended up going out a few days before valentines day (my birthday) due to some valentine love dice someone brought to school (it had things like kiss me, hug me, lick me, make out with me) and we rolled the dice, got make out. now I'm a little nervous because A. I liked doug, B. I never made out with anyone! Well we make out..or at least I attempt to, but hey, we ended up going out anyway
That lasted one week. He was egotisitcal and only liked talking about himself and he only wanted to make out all the time.
and then came the infamous Rob
Rob- the bisexual whom everyone had a crush on, boys, girls, everyone. He was new to the school. He used to give becca alot of attention and I developed a crush on him. It was awesome (at the time) when he wrote me a note asking if I liked him etc. I responded back saying yes and asked him how he felt. He said he liked me too.
So here is how the story goes. Rob used to go out with Dan (I think..well maybe not but they were always kissing) anyway rob is finally availabe (oh and I should probably mention my transition from my skirt/peasant shirt wearing days to my black, and band tee shirt days. yep, I made a transition. Baggy pants, dark colors, big hoodies) So we talk on the phone for awhile joke about whos gonna ask who out first
and then he goes to New York, family business. and I told him when he came back I was going to ask him out (yes, I actually became bold for once, at the time of course) and he said "not if I ask you first"
Alright so obviously its a go! right? wrong.
He comes back, we go to the park. It was a better time than never to ask this boy out. So I did.
and
he said no, he made up stupid excuses (as boys always do) and I was left going to the park bathroom crying my eyes out and calling rebecca.
This was a major let down for me. He lied to me, I liked him so much. He even went over to my house and was the first boy to spend the night (in another room but still, it counted) I never got over him until the next year, only to find out he was going out with someone else.
Yea, that kid fucked my whole outlook on myself pretty bad. Anyway. at least I made friends with the rest of the people in the group
Then summer rolls around. I get invited to Lisa and Erica's sweet sixteen and I meet my new friends (the ones I still have now)
One of these friends is Jon.
===
Okay fast forward. SENIOR YEAR. Probably the most..transitional period of my life thus far.
Rebecca and Josh were still going out. I still was crushing on Ryan. And Rob left the school, thank god.
I do believe I had a small crush on Howard.
I can't remember if I liked anyone else.
Anyway.
Senior year. This is when I got my car. This is also the time I began to despise everyone in the corner. I was tired of their shit. Their drama, their having to be in your business all the fucking time. So I looked to new friends. These friends, well, I did some interesting things.
I tried pot for the first time (and it certainly wasnt the last)
I got my car totalled
I got a new car
I got a ticket
Besides that. since that all happened first semester.
The new year rolls around
finally developed my own style instead of stealing others
===
Since I have met Jon I do think I made a huge transition.
Shall we get to the juicy stuff now?
As we know, some people like to refer bases. first, second, third, home? ( i think its home..home run. something like that)
Jon used to live in an apartment building and when I started hanging out with him I started hanging out with his friends that lived around there. Two of them being Josh(not rebecca's) and James.
Josh- cute dark curly haired boy. whore. still effing cute, nice lips, funny, ladies man type of guy
James- also a whore. peru accent (hot), dark hair, nice body.
Alright..lets refer to second base as..not kissing, making out or groping. got it?
Movie theater. I sit next to Josh (i started flirting with him since I met him) he takes my cell phone. puts it in his pants. I ask for it back, he plays around not giving me it back, so what do i do?
well..I fish it out. and then his hand seems to find my thigh and entrance to my pants.
and that is all I will say about that.
So the movies over. I don't remember anything about it just that it was called the forgotten. a really horrible thing came out of this. the lights came on before Josh could buckle his pants. and unfortunately we weren't too discrete because my friends knew what was going on the entire time.
So yes, first experience with that. now lets fast forward a little bit more. Still flirting with josh.
made out with him
and then..I guess I found i didn't like josh much anymore (or i think maybe he got a girlfriend)
so I moved onto James.
Same thing happened with him, just not in a movie theater.
Insert graduate somewhere about here
===
Fast forward to...Last summer. Might I add, I had become very happy with myself and not as insecure.
Okay convention number one. in orlando. stayed at jon's close friends house. (made out with James and shared a couch with him. didn't know he had a girlfriend, woops)
and now we cue Mike. Yes, Mike.
I had been crushing on this guy Mike for a very long time. (I'm sure most of you know who I am talking about since I talk about him all the time) well want to know how our fucked up 'relationship' if you would call it that began?
Metrocon. Anime convention. Me, Jon, Paul, Mike, and this girl Mary.
Stay in one hotel room. I have a bed, jon has a bed. Mary sleeps next to paul and mike sleeps in a corner beside my bed on the floor.
First night at the hotel.
It begins with a hair massage (I swear, this gets him EVERY time because it has yet to prove wrong). Which lead onto shoulder massages, which then lead to me 'accidently' falling over on the floor by him. I remember this. boy do I remember it all. the Gorillaz CD was playing. Their self entitled album. Over and over, he had it on his cd player with speakers. Anyway. He obviously knows what he was dong (although he made up the excuse that it was the nightquil. he had taken it to help him fall asleep. didn't work obviously)
So things are done, i give my first hj. shocking. With josh it was really only petting. And I get the same from mike in return.
So the night is over, mike is sick from the nightquil the next day and Jen just can't keep her big mouth shut! On my comforter (which he had pulled off the bed and over us) was a stain. Mary noticed it, i whispered to her what happened then later that day I told Jon I remember how i said it to "I did something stupid i think" and he ended up saying that they already knew what we were doing at least jon did because um..well I guess he heard noises.
Anyway. Mike completely ignored me for an entire month. pissed that i spilled the beans and at first denying anything ever happened. Anyway. we work through it, agree to niever mention it again and tehn nothing happens...that is
until hurricane season rolled around
This was novemberish? of last year (yea at the whole time my car accident etc) I didn't have any lights! my house was out of power for days and I coldn't stand it. so...dad and me drvoe around and I said "hey lets hit up jons" so we go there and I end up staying the night there. along with a few other guys, mike being one of them . Mike and I end up sleeping in teh infamous third bedroom. now ican't remember if paul was sleeping there or not..but it doesn't matter anyway. mike was on the floor again. and I began with the hair massage
yada yada same thing that happened in the convention happens now
and yet again it happens, at another convention. except this time its not a hj, okie dokie catch my drift?
three times.
and then jsut recently of course (i getting nothing out of the deal) which made me late for class.
four.
fucked up relationship whatever it is eh?
Alright so now that we got mike out of the way. we moved onto all my so called crushes and let downs
Heres the deal. I find interest in a guy. I end up thinking I like them and let them know that, but by the time we are about to go out etc. or if I start talking to them more, i back out of it. I don't like them anymore
This happened with paul twice (whom I've also made out with a few times while he was on the rebound. so easy when they are on the rebound)
Darryll. thought I liked him ended up not.
Chirs. weird myspace guy. kissed him, then he got all creepy and made sarah tell him she was my girlfriend
Jon. never liked him but he liekd me
phillip. didn't like him and i guess hes developed some hatred towards me
john. nice guy, but im not attracted to him
I guess between this time I also started develooping a lot of confidence. maybe even an ego...okay, yes, an ego.
I also have this problme with kissing guys or doing things with them even though they have a girlfriend.
Jay- had a girlfriend I didn't give a fuck ended up making out in the woods
Neil- most recent (becca's wedding) this april. made out with him. operation break up (becaue becca and I hated the girl he was going out with)
Alright so..I guess this is where I get my reputation? well it does bother me when jon calls me a whore. because I'm not. Its not like I'm having sex with any of these guys. I just dont like strings attached. I'm picky and yes a bit superfical.I guess.. I get what I want adnt then dont want it anymore
anyway.
Now I have a new interest, Bradley. Nice guy, I will go after him (since hes what I want)
I wonder how long this one will last.
Yea, I'm sure I got a few bits and pieces scrambled up there. I'm not good with dates or timelines. but thats the basic run down.
I guess. I don't give up til i get what i want.
Yea. Alot.
Dont mind the lj cut unles you wanna read a shit load about my past
-Jen