On Wings of Steel, chapter 5 - Love's Power
Title: On Wings of Steel
Fandom: Batman
Chapter: 5/?
Author: SiriuslyLupin
Rating: PG
Warnings: angst, mild language, parenthood/children, violence
Summary: Before he was Robin, he was Dick Grayson, youthful ward of millionaire Bruce Wayne. Little does Dick know, however, that Bruce is leading a double life, one that repeatedly leaves Dick feeling left out. Sick and tired of being let down by the man he's coming to see as a father, Dick is determined to find out what his guardian is up to. Meanwhile, Batman is caught up in a game of wits with the Riddler, one that results in Dick becoming even more wrapped up in his guardian's secret life than Bruce ever wanted him to. [Prequel to the 1966 Batman television series.]
Word count: 26,948 and counting
When we last Wayne Manor, the night hadn’t ended so well for our beloved heroes. Bruce had returned from a frustrating and unfruitful search for the Riddler only for an argument to erupt between him and Dick. Will they be able to work things out?
The answer is moments away!
On Wings of Steel
Chapter 5 - Love’s Power
Dick must have drifted off to sleep, because the next thing he knew, he was being shaken awake by a strong and firm hand on his shoulder. Still feeling groggy from his brief nap, Dick slowly rolled over onto his back. He rubbed at his eyes to see Bruce standing over his bed.
“I’m sorry, but I couldn’t sleep,” Bruce said quietly. “Not with the way we left things.”
Dick furrowed his brow and bit at his bottom lip. Was it a bad thing that he had fallen asleep so quickly and easily when Bruce had apparently been left tossing and turning?
“You were tired,” Bruce said, immediately picking up on Dick’s expression. “I know. Don’t worry about it.” Bruce didn’t say anything more, but he quietly sat down on the edge of Dick’s bed, watching him closely.
Dick realized how much better he felt about everything. He supposed he really had been exhausted to have been so short with Bruce before. Even his short nap seemed to put everything into perspective for him, and he suddenly regretted the tone he had taken with his mentor earlier.
“Bruce,” Dick tried, “I’m sorry-“
Bruce silenced him with a soft finger against Dick’s lip. “I know,” Bruce said. “I know how upset you must have been feeling to say those things. But please try and understand how torn I was. Have you ever wanted to do something so badly, but at the same time, there were a million reasons why you knew you shouldn’t? That’s what I was going through. I wanted to be honest with you, but I was afraid of so many things. I didn’t know how you were going to react. I didn’t want to worry you or weigh you down with all the stress that inevitably comes along with this kind of knowledge.” Bruce paused for a long time before he quietly added, “I didn’t want to put you in danger.”
Bruce’s speech had softened him further, and Dick was really beginning to feel bad for the attitude he had given Bruce.
Swallowing hard, Dick asked, “Why would I be in danger?”
“This kind of knowledge begets that,” Bruce said solemnly, nodding. “You now possess something very important, something that a lot of people in this city would pay or kill to have.” Bruce’s stare didn’t move, didn’t waver. “You know the identity of Batman. That’s one of the most important and critical things I could ever tell someone. Something that I’ve only ever shared with Alfred before.”
Dick had never thought of it like that. It had never occurred to him that what he now knew was so important and priceless. That Bruce had to trust him whole-heartedly to even think about entrusting him with such information. That this very obviously made Dick one of the most important people in Bruce’s life. Bruce had already said as much, of course, but Dick was still having a bit of a hard time wrapping his head around it all.
Dick supposed he was still hung up on the fact that he never thought that he would have anything like this ever again - this significant relationship with an adult. Plus, the fact that Bruce really had no obligation to provide him with anything made it even more difficult to grasp. What on earth had Dick ever done to deserve someone like Bruce taking him under his wing like this?
“I’m sorry, Bruce,” Dick whispered again, closing his eyes momentarily in embarrassment. A soft breath of air passed between his lips before he said, “I was being awfully juvenile about all of this, aren’t I?”
“You are a juvenile,” Bruce stated, his tone slightly teasing. “It’s to be expected.”
That caused Dick to smirk the tiniest bit. Just that one little line, Bruce’s joking manner, let Dick know that things were all right again. That there were not and should not be any hard feelings between them, because Bruce had already forgiven him without even needing to be asked. Bruce did that a lot - forgave him easily. That wasn’t to say that Bruce was lenient or a pushover. Bruce was strict, but he was never mean about and he never made Dick feel small or bad about the way he sometimes acted. Bruce knew when Dick was sorry for something he’d done, and Bruce wouldn’t hesitate to forgive when that time came.
“But I don’t blame you for it,” Bruce said after a moment of silence. “Not in the least. You’ve just discovered an earth-shattering secret. I imagine that this is going to require some adjustment on your part, and…you’re right. I haven’t really given much thought to how it’s affecting you. I knew you’d worry, but…maybe not quite this much.” Bruce gestured towards Dick’s bed. “I didn’t imagine you’d be up all night, scared half to death. I…almost expected you to be automatically okay with it and carried on with my daily business. That didn’t help any, did it?”
“You couldn’t really help it,” Dick said, frowning in thought. “The Riddler is out there. You couldn’t exactly tell him to wait a minute while you sort things out with your ward.”
“No,” Bruce agreed, “but perhaps I could have been a bit more sensitive. We only talked about it for a short while before I ran out on you again, and when I did come back, I only gave you a hard time about everything you must have been feeling. But believe me, Dick - I never wanted to hurt you in all of this.” Bruce stopped for a moment, taking a long, deep breath before continuing. “All I’ve ever wanted was to protect you. To protect you from the stress that this would inevitably cause. To protect you from any danger that this could possibly place you in. To keep you from wanting to do something as risky with your own life.”
“Hypocrite.”
“Yes,” Bruce admitted, “I am. But perhaps you’re forgetting something.”
“What’s that?” Dick asked, staring up at him.
“What any parent wants for their child,” Bruce said. “For them to be safe. And you are my son. We’ve already covered that, I believe.”
Dick didn’t know if he’d ever get used to Bruce calling him that. Try as he might, it was nearly impossible for him to believe that Bruce thought so highly of him. That Bruce wanted to fulfill that role of father for him as much as Dick wanted him to fill it. That even though Bruce had absolutely no obligation to do any of this, that he still did so, that he still wanted to do so. Dick supposed that that was the problem that he was having the hardest time grasping - why would Bruce want to do this if he didn’t have to? The very idea seemed just beyond his comprehension.
Dick found that he didn’t quite have it in him to respond. His mind was whirling with everything that had been said, and every emotion he had felt that day seemed to gather somewhere in his insides. It was making his stomach feel like it had butterflies in it, while his chest and throat felt very tight and full. Trying to swallow the feeling away, Dick simply stared off across the room, trying to process everything.
“Dick?” Bruce asked, concern ebbing at his voice.
“I just…” Dick tried, but he found he couldn’t get anything more out. He took a few deep breaths, trying to make the feeling go away. At the same time, though, he almost enjoyed it. It felt…nice.
Bruce didn’t attempt to pry anything else from him just then; he had decided to let Dick go at his own pace.
Dick only stared at his still darkened window for a while, searching inside himself for the words that he knew were there. When it came right down to it, however, there was only one way he could think of putting it. “Why are you doing this?” he asked, turning his head and looking up at his guardian questioningly.
“What’s that?” Bruce asked. “Why am I Batman? Why do I feel the need to chase after completely insane criminals?”
“No,” Dick replied, frowning. “I guess I can see why you do that. That’s not what I meant.” Dick was aware that they were getting into very private and overly sentimental territory here, but Bruce would never let it go now. Not when he knew that there were questions that Dick wanted the answers to so badly. “This,” Dick said next, gesturing between them. “I’m well aware of the fact that you didn’t have to take me in. That you don’t have to let me stay here.”
“I thought I‘d answered that when you came to live with me,” Bruce said softly. “If you know why I’m Batman, then I’d wager to guess that you know the answer to this too.”
Dick didn’t reply. He simply stared up into the comforting eyes of his guardian, waiting.
“Because I see so much of myself in you,” Bruce finally answered. “Because what happened to you - what happened to us - isn’t right, and you deserve to have a loving family just as much as I did. I don’t know where I’d be right now if it hadn’t been for Alfred. He saved me - in more ways than one - and…I just wanted to be that for someone else. When I found out what happened to your parents - I don’t know. Something inside made me want to do it.”
“’Made you’?” Dick echoed.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Bruce immediately corrected him. “I don’t mean to say that I felt obligated to do it by any means.” He stopped, taking a moment to gather his thoughts before pressing on. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that…I wanted to be to someone what Alfred was to me. Alfred was - is - the world to me. He changed my life in so many ways that I can’t even begin to describe. I…was just hoping to change someone’s world too. I just…wanted to. That’s the best way I can explain it.”
Dick still didn’t say anything. He had so many questions yet about everything, but he wasn’t quite sure how to ask them. He wasn’t even sure that Bruce could answer them satisfactorily for his liking.
“And well…” Bruce began again, but then he cut himself off. He hesitated, seemingly not quite sure if he should be completely open with Dick or not. In the end though, he went on. “I was afraid for you, I suppose.”
“Why would you be afraid?” Dick asked, sounding genuinely curious. “You’re Batman, after all. You’re not afraid of anything.”
“That’s not entirely true,” Bruce disagreed.
“Well, I always thought Batman was the bravest person in the world,” Dick told him. He turned onto his side, facing Bruce more fully. Perhaps for the first time, it occurred to him that he was talking to a real live superhero. He had heard so much about Batman on the news and had always thought he sounded incredible. And here he was, sitting in Dick’s very room! It was still strange imagining that his Bruce was the one that had done all those amazing things.
“I like to think I’m brave,” Bruce agreed, “but that doesn’t mean I’m not afraid of things. Does it scare me to go up against criminals like the Riddler, and the Joker, and the Penguin, and Catwoman? Absolutely. But…there’s something else that’s much more important than that fear - the safety and well-being of Gotham’s citizens. And…well, you.”
“You didn’t even know me until a few short years ago.”
“But I felt like I did,” Bruce said. “Like I said, I saw so much of myself in you. Everything that had happened to you seemed to be such a reflection of everything I had been through. And I just didn’t want you to go down the road I almost did.”
Propping him up on his elbow, Dick watched Bruce intently. “Which road is that?” he asked.
“One filled with anger and hate,” Bruce told him. “I didn’t just spontaneously decide to become Batman, you know. It was a very long road filled with so much negativity. I was originally hell-bent on revenge. I wanted nothing more than to find the people responsible for killing my parents and…repay the favor.”
“You mean kill them.”
“Yes.”
“And did you?”
“No,” Bruce said, “but it wasn’t because I didn’t want to or because I never had the opportunity.”
“What stopped you?”
“Alfred,” Bruce answered solemnly. His voice sounded very far away, like he was remembering some long ago memory and was almost afraid of disrupting it. “He talked some sense into me. He talked to me so many times about what he knew my parents would have wanted for me. He told me under no circumstances would they have wanted me to become a murderer, even to avenge them. The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. They wouldn’t have wanted me to stoop to that level, to become the very thing that I knew they had always hated about mankind.”
Bruce stopped, taking a moment to turn and stare out of the window, at the almost blackness of the sky beyond. “My parents were good people,” Bruce finally said, turning back to Dick once more. “They never understood how people could be so cruel to each other. How people could commit murders and go on with their daily lives like nothing had happened. They wouldn’t have wanted that for me. I remember all the times they sat me down and told me that they didn’t care what I did with my life, just as long as I was a good person.” Bruce broke off for a moment, staring down at his shoes and shaking his head. “Killing someone didn’t fit into that. Even if I was doing what I thought was right to…balance things out, they wouldn’t have approved.
“If anyone knew my parents, it was Alfred, and he knew that as much as I did. They would not have been happy with or proud of me if I had gone out, killed someone, and then simply gone on with my daily life like everything was fine. They would have been so disappointed and unhappy. Once I realized that…it wasn’t an option. It just wasn’t.”
“What led you to the idea of being Batman?” Dick asked curiously. “You didn’t just go from wanting to murder your parents’ killers to wanting to be a vigilante overnight.”
“No,” Bruce said, “it was a bit of a long road.” Bruce took a moment to consider his answer before he went on. “I suppose I hated seeing all the violence that went on, just like what had happened to my parents, and not being able to do anything about it. I hated seeing other people, other children become victims just like I had. The way they lost everything in a split second because of other people’s own hatred or just plain ignorance.” Bruce glanced down at Dick solemnly.
“Like me,” Dick said quietly.
Bruce laid a hand of Dick’s shoulder, squeezing it tightly.
“I couldn’t…allow it anymore,” Bruce went on. “Especially when it seemed like no one else in Gotham was going to put a stop to it. The violence here kept getting worse, and the police department tries the best they can, but there is only so much they can do. I remember how angry I used to get over it, and Alfred told me one day, ‘You can continue to be angry about it, or you can do something about it.’ So I did,” he finished with a small smile.
“Were you afraid that I would become like that?” Dick asked. He had inched closer to Bruce on the bed, and he was watching him so intently that Bruce might have been the most important on the earth in that moment. And perhaps he was. “That I would want to go out and hunt down my parents’ murderers?”
Bruce closed his mouth, tilting his head back and forth several times. “Not entirely, no,” Bruce disagreed. “It crossed my mind, of course, but what really weighed on my mind was your anger. The way you would simply lash out at me and Alfred for seemingly no reason. Well,” Bruce suddenly corrected himself before Dick could argue, “you did have a reason. I didn’t mean to imply that you didn’t. But it was the way you got angry at the two of us for small and unrelated things. I just wanted to make sure that you had an outlet for that anger before you took it out on the wrong person.”
“At school, you mean?”
“Yes,” Bruce replied. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get into fights at school after I lost my own parents. Oftentimes, my classmates didn’t do anything to earn my wrath, but they got it anyway. I simply took things out on them because they were there. I didn’t want you to get wrapped up in a vicious cycle of bullying.”
“I guess I took it out on you and Alfred a lot,” Dick admitted apologetically, “because you were there. It needed to come out somewhere.”
“Think nothing of it,” Bruce told him firmly. His hand was still on Dick’s shoulder. He had left it there, and Dick did nothing to shake it off. Bruce was always fond of these moments when he could feel himself and Dick growing closer, and Dick didn’t try to stop it or change the subject. He was a teenager, after all. He often seemed to become uncomfortable when things got too personal. More and more though, Dick seemed simply contented when things took this turn.
Encouraged, Bruce squeeze Dick’s shoulder momentarily, giving it a small shake. “It’s quite all right, chum,” Bruce said. “It’s what we were here for.”
“Not for me to be a jerk to,” Dick disagreed. “Not when you took me in out of the goodness of your heart.”
Bruce considered this before he said, “Yes.” When Dick gave him a questioning - and almost horrified - expression, Bruce smiled. “That’s exactly what I had intended. What I wanted. I told you, if you didn’t take it out on us, you were going to find somewhere else to expend that anger. It would either be on the kids at school, or you were going to go out there to try and find some other outlet for it.” He nodded towards the window. “I thought that right here with me and Alfred would be the best and safest place for you to spend that wrath.”
Dick hung his head, his face screwing up in sadness. Without warning, he suddenly pushed himself up off the mattress and flung himself into Bruce’s chest, burying his head. It almost caught Bruce off guard, because it wasn’t often that Dick made these intimate kinds of gestures himself. Usually, it was Bruce that initiated them, and it would be a game to see if Dick accepted it or not. This was the first time Bruce could recall that Dick actively made such a gesture on his own.
“I’m sorry, Bruce,” Dick suddenly apologized, his voice teetering on the edge of being shaky.
“Dick…” Bruce began, but he wasn’t quite sure what to say. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Dick’s shoulders, pulling him closer. He waited, wondering if Dick would push away from him. Almost miraculously, Dick only seemed to deflate almost. He drew even closer to Bruce if that was possible, allowing himself to be encompassed in Bruce’s arms.
“Dick…” Bruce tried again, but words kept failing him. This was one of the few times when he was lost for words. He really had no idea what was going through Dick’s mind or why he suddenly seemed so emotional, so Bruce really had no idea how to go about comforting him.
The first thing Bruce did say, however, was, “You have nothing to be sorry for. Do you hear me, Dick? Nothing.”
“When I think about some of the things I said to you,” Dick said around a loud gulp of air. “Even just now, this stupid fight-“
“Shh,” Bruce quickly hushed him, pressing his lips to Dick’s head in a kiss. “I didn’t understand. I didn’t see how difficult this was for you. You’re right, it was a stupid fight, but I didn’t exactly help it, did I? The last thing you needed after waiting up all night was to be scolded.”
“It’s not just that,” Dick said, his voice still shaky. “It was a lot of the things I’ve said to you since I’ve come here. All those times I got angry at you and screamed that you’re not my father. So stupid.“
“Completely understandable,” Bruce cut him off before he could finish. “I’m not your father.”
“But you’ve been nothing but amazing to me.” Dick finally looked up at his guardian, his eyes red-rimmed and his cheeks tear-streaked. “You and Alfred both. Maybe a little gratitude on my part would have been better than throwing all of this back in your face.”
“You did nothing of the sort,” Bruce insisted. He let go of Dick, using his thumbs to wipe away the wetness from his young ward’s face. “I told you, you were angry. I fully expected that when I took you in. I would have been shocked if you hadn’t displayed some degree of rage. Having been my guardian through my own loss, Alfred was fully prepared for it as well. You did nothing wrong.”
“Even so,” Dick said, wiping quickly at his nose, “I really need to tell you something.”
“Hm?”
“Thank you,” Dick gulped out. “For taking me in. Despite what I’ve said to you in the past, you really were a father to me when I desperately needed one, even though I wouldn’t admit it.”
This earned a small smile from Bruce. “You know, Dick,” he said over the young boy’s sniffles, “you always act like I did such a great thing for you, but…I don’t think you realize just how much you’ve done for me in return.”
Dick stared at him, not quite sure what on earth Bruce could be getting at. “What could I have ever done for you?” Dick asked, sounding incredulous.
“I told you,” was all that Bruce said at first. When Dick kept looking up at him questioningly, Bruce replied, “You’ve become my son. That may not seem like a lot to you, but believe me when I say that you’ve filled a void that has been present in my life for far longer than I care to admit. I’d wanted children for as long as I can remember, but it never seemed like an option. I will never date or marry, because I consider myself married to my work. I wouldn’t have the time to devote to a relationship that it would need to flourish. Nor would I have the time for a baby. I’d have to leave it with Alfred and Aunt Harriet a lot. Perhaps even hire a nanny.” Bruce shook his head sadly. “I wouldn’t want to leave a child to be raised by someone else who probably would barely even recognize me half the time.”
“So you take me in instead,” Dick pointed out. His voice was hovering on joking, but Bruce didn’t seem entirely sure.
“You’re hardly a baby,” Bruce said firmly. “You’re at the age where you’re more or less able to take care of yourself.” Bruce hung his head, staring down at his free hand in his lap. “And…well, I told you.” When he raised his gaze, it was to stare unwaveringly into Dick’s eyes. “When I took you in, I never expected our relationship to take the turn it has. Giving you a place to live and leaving you with Alfred…seemed like enough. You weren’t my child, so I didn’t think I’d have to spend all that much time with you.” Bruce broke off, tilting his head back and breaking the gaze he’d held with Dick. “Perhaps a bit callous, I’ll admit.”
When Bruce didn’t continue, Dick said, “But that’s not the way things ended up.” His voice wasn’t hurt or angry the way Bruce had thought it would be; rather it was a bit emotional and seemingly interested in what Bruce had to say.
“Not at all,” Bruce replied, sounding relieved that his words hadn’t upset Dick. “You know that. You ended up worming your way into my heart so quickly…I almost didn’t know what hit me. Before I could really even process what was happening, I found myself wanting desperately to spend more and more time with you.” Glancing down at Dick again, he placed the index finger of his free hand against the underside of Dick’s chin. Directing his ward’s gaze up to him, he continued, “You have completely filled that hole in my heart - the one I wanted to be filled with a child someday. Believe me, I want nothing more than to spend each and every day with you, to give you all of my time.” Around a heavy sigh, he added, “I only wish I had more of it to give you.”
“You try your hardest,” Dick said. “I didn’t understand that before, but I do now. I always thought you were canceling on me, because you’d much rather do something by yourself without me tagging along at your side all the time.”
“No,” Bruce breathed, steadfastly shaking his head. “God, no, Dick. “Nothing - absolutely nothing - is more important than you are. There isn’t a single soul on this earth that I’d rather spend my time with. If I could disregard all of my other responsibilities in favor of spending all of my time with you, then I’d gladly do it. But I can’t.”
“I know,” Dick repeated, sounding even more okay with the current situation than he had in a long time. “You have a responsibility to the citizens of Gotham. Besides, I think you’d be pretty miserable if you gave up being Batman. That’s obviously a large part of who you are.”
“None of that, however,” Bruce said, “makes you any less important. I want you to know that. No matter how many times I have to cancel plans with you in the future, no matter how many times I have to run out to go after an insane criminal, you are still the most important thing in this world to me. Always.”
Dick’s bottom lip quivered and his eyes glistened with unshed tears. “I love you, Bruce,” he said, reaching up to wrap his arms around Bruce’s neck. He buried his face in Bruce’s soft sweater again, sniffling slightly.
Dick was suddenly being so physical with him, it took Bruce back a bit. He had never quite seen Dick like this, but Bruce supposed that the events of the day had probably taken quite a toll on him. Dick was curling into him so tightly, he seemed a lot younger than he really was - almost like a small child rather than a growing teenager.
Wrapping his arms just as tightly around Dick, however, Bruce pulled him even closer and began rocking him slightly. “I love you too, Dick.”
After a while, the room fell into complete silence. Bruce simply held Dick for a while, letting the boy calm down. Eventually, Bruce realized that Dick’s breathing had slowed tremendously. Bruce leaned forward over him, brushing the hair back from Dick’s face to find that he had fallen asleep.
At first, Bruce glanced around, unsure about how he would get up with a sleeping teenager slumped over him. He didn’t want to wake Dick up; it had been such a very long, hard day for Dick. It had taken Dick such a long time to even calm down enough for sleep to claim him, and Bruce didn’t want to disturb him.
In the end, Bruce pulled the two pillows from the head of Dick’s bed down towards him. Bruce fluffed them and propped them underneath him, leaning into them and letting Dick rest against his chest. It was an awkward position, and Bruce knew he was going to be sore in the morning, but he wasn’t worried about that right now. All he wanted was to let his young ward be at peace. Now that he had found it, far be it from Bruce to bring him out of it.
Bruce held him like that all night long, his arms wrapped tightly around Dick until the sun rose.
It seems that Bruce and Dick have worked things out, but what of the Riddler?
What could he be planning and are our heroes ready for it?
For the answers,
Tune in next time…
Same fan site…
Same fan channel.
One word of warning:
The most harrowing is yet to come!
Fandom: Batman
Chapter: 5/?
Author: SiriuslyLupin
Rating: PG
Warnings: angst, mild language, parenthood/children, violence
Summary: Before he was Robin, he was Dick Grayson, youthful ward of millionaire Bruce Wayne. Little does Dick know, however, that Bruce is leading a double life, one that repeatedly leaves Dick feeling left out. Sick and tired of being let down by the man he's coming to see as a father, Dick is determined to find out what his guardian is up to. Meanwhile, Batman is caught up in a game of wits with the Riddler, one that results in Dick becoming even more wrapped up in his guardian's secret life than Bruce ever wanted him to. [Prequel to the 1966 Batman television series.]
Word count: 26,948 and counting
When we last Wayne Manor, the night hadn’t ended so well for our beloved heroes. Bruce had returned from a frustrating and unfruitful search for the Riddler only for an argument to erupt between him and Dick. Will they be able to work things out?
The answer is moments away!
On Wings of Steel
Chapter 5 - Love’s Power
Dick must have drifted off to sleep, because the next thing he knew, he was being shaken awake by a strong and firm hand on his shoulder. Still feeling groggy from his brief nap, Dick slowly rolled over onto his back. He rubbed at his eyes to see Bruce standing over his bed.
“I’m sorry, but I couldn’t sleep,” Bruce said quietly. “Not with the way we left things.”
Dick furrowed his brow and bit at his bottom lip. Was it a bad thing that he had fallen asleep so quickly and easily when Bruce had apparently been left tossing and turning?
“You were tired,” Bruce said, immediately picking up on Dick’s expression. “I know. Don’t worry about it.” Bruce didn’t say anything more, but he quietly sat down on the edge of Dick’s bed, watching him closely.
Dick realized how much better he felt about everything. He supposed he really had been exhausted to have been so short with Bruce before. Even his short nap seemed to put everything into perspective for him, and he suddenly regretted the tone he had taken with his mentor earlier.
“Bruce,” Dick tried, “I’m sorry-“
Bruce silenced him with a soft finger against Dick’s lip. “I know,” Bruce said. “I know how upset you must have been feeling to say those things. But please try and understand how torn I was. Have you ever wanted to do something so badly, but at the same time, there were a million reasons why you knew you shouldn’t? That’s what I was going through. I wanted to be honest with you, but I was afraid of so many things. I didn’t know how you were going to react. I didn’t want to worry you or weigh you down with all the stress that inevitably comes along with this kind of knowledge.” Bruce paused for a long time before he quietly added, “I didn’t want to put you in danger.”
Bruce’s speech had softened him further, and Dick was really beginning to feel bad for the attitude he had given Bruce.
Swallowing hard, Dick asked, “Why would I be in danger?”
“This kind of knowledge begets that,” Bruce said solemnly, nodding. “You now possess something very important, something that a lot of people in this city would pay or kill to have.” Bruce’s stare didn’t move, didn’t waver. “You know the identity of Batman. That’s one of the most important and critical things I could ever tell someone. Something that I’ve only ever shared with Alfred before.”
Dick had never thought of it like that. It had never occurred to him that what he now knew was so important and priceless. That Bruce had to trust him whole-heartedly to even think about entrusting him with such information. That this very obviously made Dick one of the most important people in Bruce’s life. Bruce had already said as much, of course, but Dick was still having a bit of a hard time wrapping his head around it all.
Dick supposed he was still hung up on the fact that he never thought that he would have anything like this ever again - this significant relationship with an adult. Plus, the fact that Bruce really had no obligation to provide him with anything made it even more difficult to grasp. What on earth had Dick ever done to deserve someone like Bruce taking him under his wing like this?
“I’m sorry, Bruce,” Dick whispered again, closing his eyes momentarily in embarrassment. A soft breath of air passed between his lips before he said, “I was being awfully juvenile about all of this, aren’t I?”
“You are a juvenile,” Bruce stated, his tone slightly teasing. “It’s to be expected.”
That caused Dick to smirk the tiniest bit. Just that one little line, Bruce’s joking manner, let Dick know that things were all right again. That there were not and should not be any hard feelings between them, because Bruce had already forgiven him without even needing to be asked. Bruce did that a lot - forgave him easily. That wasn’t to say that Bruce was lenient or a pushover. Bruce was strict, but he was never mean about and he never made Dick feel small or bad about the way he sometimes acted. Bruce knew when Dick was sorry for something he’d done, and Bruce wouldn’t hesitate to forgive when that time came.
“But I don’t blame you for it,” Bruce said after a moment of silence. “Not in the least. You’ve just discovered an earth-shattering secret. I imagine that this is going to require some adjustment on your part, and…you’re right. I haven’t really given much thought to how it’s affecting you. I knew you’d worry, but…maybe not quite this much.” Bruce gestured towards Dick’s bed. “I didn’t imagine you’d be up all night, scared half to death. I…almost expected you to be automatically okay with it and carried on with my daily business. That didn’t help any, did it?”
“You couldn’t really help it,” Dick said, frowning in thought. “The Riddler is out there. You couldn’t exactly tell him to wait a minute while you sort things out with your ward.”
“No,” Bruce agreed, “but perhaps I could have been a bit more sensitive. We only talked about it for a short while before I ran out on you again, and when I did come back, I only gave you a hard time about everything you must have been feeling. But believe me, Dick - I never wanted to hurt you in all of this.” Bruce stopped for a moment, taking a long, deep breath before continuing. “All I’ve ever wanted was to protect you. To protect you from the stress that this would inevitably cause. To protect you from any danger that this could possibly place you in. To keep you from wanting to do something as risky with your own life.”
“Hypocrite.”
“Yes,” Bruce admitted, “I am. But perhaps you’re forgetting something.”
“What’s that?” Dick asked, staring up at him.
“What any parent wants for their child,” Bruce said. “For them to be safe. And you are my son. We’ve already covered that, I believe.”
Dick didn’t know if he’d ever get used to Bruce calling him that. Try as he might, it was nearly impossible for him to believe that Bruce thought so highly of him. That Bruce wanted to fulfill that role of father for him as much as Dick wanted him to fill it. That even though Bruce had absolutely no obligation to do any of this, that he still did so, that he still wanted to do so. Dick supposed that that was the problem that he was having the hardest time grasping - why would Bruce want to do this if he didn’t have to? The very idea seemed just beyond his comprehension.
Dick found that he didn’t quite have it in him to respond. His mind was whirling with everything that had been said, and every emotion he had felt that day seemed to gather somewhere in his insides. It was making his stomach feel like it had butterflies in it, while his chest and throat felt very tight and full. Trying to swallow the feeling away, Dick simply stared off across the room, trying to process everything.
“Dick?” Bruce asked, concern ebbing at his voice.
“I just…” Dick tried, but he found he couldn’t get anything more out. He took a few deep breaths, trying to make the feeling go away. At the same time, though, he almost enjoyed it. It felt…nice.
Bruce didn’t attempt to pry anything else from him just then; he had decided to let Dick go at his own pace.
Dick only stared at his still darkened window for a while, searching inside himself for the words that he knew were there. When it came right down to it, however, there was only one way he could think of putting it. “Why are you doing this?” he asked, turning his head and looking up at his guardian questioningly.
“What’s that?” Bruce asked. “Why am I Batman? Why do I feel the need to chase after completely insane criminals?”
“No,” Dick replied, frowning. “I guess I can see why you do that. That’s not what I meant.” Dick was aware that they were getting into very private and overly sentimental territory here, but Bruce would never let it go now. Not when he knew that there were questions that Dick wanted the answers to so badly. “This,” Dick said next, gesturing between them. “I’m well aware of the fact that you didn’t have to take me in. That you don’t have to let me stay here.”
“I thought I‘d answered that when you came to live with me,” Bruce said softly. “If you know why I’m Batman, then I’d wager to guess that you know the answer to this too.”
Dick didn’t reply. He simply stared up into the comforting eyes of his guardian, waiting.
“Because I see so much of myself in you,” Bruce finally answered. “Because what happened to you - what happened to us - isn’t right, and you deserve to have a loving family just as much as I did. I don’t know where I’d be right now if it hadn’t been for Alfred. He saved me - in more ways than one - and…I just wanted to be that for someone else. When I found out what happened to your parents - I don’t know. Something inside made me want to do it.”
“’Made you’?” Dick echoed.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Bruce immediately corrected him. “I don’t mean to say that I felt obligated to do it by any means.” He stopped, taking a moment to gather his thoughts before pressing on. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that…I wanted to be to someone what Alfred was to me. Alfred was - is - the world to me. He changed my life in so many ways that I can’t even begin to describe. I…was just hoping to change someone’s world too. I just…wanted to. That’s the best way I can explain it.”
Dick still didn’t say anything. He had so many questions yet about everything, but he wasn’t quite sure how to ask them. He wasn’t even sure that Bruce could answer them satisfactorily for his liking.
“And well…” Bruce began again, but then he cut himself off. He hesitated, seemingly not quite sure if he should be completely open with Dick or not. In the end though, he went on. “I was afraid for you, I suppose.”
“Why would you be afraid?” Dick asked, sounding genuinely curious. “You’re Batman, after all. You’re not afraid of anything.”
“That’s not entirely true,” Bruce disagreed.
“Well, I always thought Batman was the bravest person in the world,” Dick told him. He turned onto his side, facing Bruce more fully. Perhaps for the first time, it occurred to him that he was talking to a real live superhero. He had heard so much about Batman on the news and had always thought he sounded incredible. And here he was, sitting in Dick’s very room! It was still strange imagining that his Bruce was the one that had done all those amazing things.
“I like to think I’m brave,” Bruce agreed, “but that doesn’t mean I’m not afraid of things. Does it scare me to go up against criminals like the Riddler, and the Joker, and the Penguin, and Catwoman? Absolutely. But…there’s something else that’s much more important than that fear - the safety and well-being of Gotham’s citizens. And…well, you.”
“You didn’t even know me until a few short years ago.”
“But I felt like I did,” Bruce said. “Like I said, I saw so much of myself in you. Everything that had happened to you seemed to be such a reflection of everything I had been through. And I just didn’t want you to go down the road I almost did.”
Propping him up on his elbow, Dick watched Bruce intently. “Which road is that?” he asked.
“One filled with anger and hate,” Bruce told him. “I didn’t just spontaneously decide to become Batman, you know. It was a very long road filled with so much negativity. I was originally hell-bent on revenge. I wanted nothing more than to find the people responsible for killing my parents and…repay the favor.”
“You mean kill them.”
“Yes.”
“And did you?”
“No,” Bruce said, “but it wasn’t because I didn’t want to or because I never had the opportunity.”
“What stopped you?”
“Alfred,” Bruce answered solemnly. His voice sounded very far away, like he was remembering some long ago memory and was almost afraid of disrupting it. “He talked some sense into me. He talked to me so many times about what he knew my parents would have wanted for me. He told me under no circumstances would they have wanted me to become a murderer, even to avenge them. The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. They wouldn’t have wanted me to stoop to that level, to become the very thing that I knew they had always hated about mankind.”
Bruce stopped, taking a moment to turn and stare out of the window, at the almost blackness of the sky beyond. “My parents were good people,” Bruce finally said, turning back to Dick once more. “They never understood how people could be so cruel to each other. How people could commit murders and go on with their daily lives like nothing had happened. They wouldn’t have wanted that for me. I remember all the times they sat me down and told me that they didn’t care what I did with my life, just as long as I was a good person.” Bruce broke off for a moment, staring down at his shoes and shaking his head. “Killing someone didn’t fit into that. Even if I was doing what I thought was right to…balance things out, they wouldn’t have approved.
“If anyone knew my parents, it was Alfred, and he knew that as much as I did. They would not have been happy with or proud of me if I had gone out, killed someone, and then simply gone on with my daily life like everything was fine. They would have been so disappointed and unhappy. Once I realized that…it wasn’t an option. It just wasn’t.”
“What led you to the idea of being Batman?” Dick asked curiously. “You didn’t just go from wanting to murder your parents’ killers to wanting to be a vigilante overnight.”
“No,” Bruce said, “it was a bit of a long road.” Bruce took a moment to consider his answer before he went on. “I suppose I hated seeing all the violence that went on, just like what had happened to my parents, and not being able to do anything about it. I hated seeing other people, other children become victims just like I had. The way they lost everything in a split second because of other people’s own hatred or just plain ignorance.” Bruce glanced down at Dick solemnly.
“Like me,” Dick said quietly.
Bruce laid a hand of Dick’s shoulder, squeezing it tightly.
“I couldn’t…allow it anymore,” Bruce went on. “Especially when it seemed like no one else in Gotham was going to put a stop to it. The violence here kept getting worse, and the police department tries the best they can, but there is only so much they can do. I remember how angry I used to get over it, and Alfred told me one day, ‘You can continue to be angry about it, or you can do something about it.’ So I did,” he finished with a small smile.
“Were you afraid that I would become like that?” Dick asked. He had inched closer to Bruce on the bed, and he was watching him so intently that Bruce might have been the most important on the earth in that moment. And perhaps he was. “That I would want to go out and hunt down my parents’ murderers?”
Bruce closed his mouth, tilting his head back and forth several times. “Not entirely, no,” Bruce disagreed. “It crossed my mind, of course, but what really weighed on my mind was your anger. The way you would simply lash out at me and Alfred for seemingly no reason. Well,” Bruce suddenly corrected himself before Dick could argue, “you did have a reason. I didn’t mean to imply that you didn’t. But it was the way you got angry at the two of us for small and unrelated things. I just wanted to make sure that you had an outlet for that anger before you took it out on the wrong person.”
“At school, you mean?”
“Yes,” Bruce replied. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get into fights at school after I lost my own parents. Oftentimes, my classmates didn’t do anything to earn my wrath, but they got it anyway. I simply took things out on them because they were there. I didn’t want you to get wrapped up in a vicious cycle of bullying.”
“I guess I took it out on you and Alfred a lot,” Dick admitted apologetically, “because you were there. It needed to come out somewhere.”
“Think nothing of it,” Bruce told him firmly. His hand was still on Dick’s shoulder. He had left it there, and Dick did nothing to shake it off. Bruce was always fond of these moments when he could feel himself and Dick growing closer, and Dick didn’t try to stop it or change the subject. He was a teenager, after all. He often seemed to become uncomfortable when things got too personal. More and more though, Dick seemed simply contented when things took this turn.
Encouraged, Bruce squeeze Dick’s shoulder momentarily, giving it a small shake. “It’s quite all right, chum,” Bruce said. “It’s what we were here for.”
“Not for me to be a jerk to,” Dick disagreed. “Not when you took me in out of the goodness of your heart.”
Bruce considered this before he said, “Yes.” When Dick gave him a questioning - and almost horrified - expression, Bruce smiled. “That’s exactly what I had intended. What I wanted. I told you, if you didn’t take it out on us, you were going to find somewhere else to expend that anger. It would either be on the kids at school, or you were going to go out there to try and find some other outlet for it.” He nodded towards the window. “I thought that right here with me and Alfred would be the best and safest place for you to spend that wrath.”
Dick hung his head, his face screwing up in sadness. Without warning, he suddenly pushed himself up off the mattress and flung himself into Bruce’s chest, burying his head. It almost caught Bruce off guard, because it wasn’t often that Dick made these intimate kinds of gestures himself. Usually, it was Bruce that initiated them, and it would be a game to see if Dick accepted it or not. This was the first time Bruce could recall that Dick actively made such a gesture on his own.
“I’m sorry, Bruce,” Dick suddenly apologized, his voice teetering on the edge of being shaky.
“Dick…” Bruce began, but he wasn’t quite sure what to say. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Dick’s shoulders, pulling him closer. He waited, wondering if Dick would push away from him. Almost miraculously, Dick only seemed to deflate almost. He drew even closer to Bruce if that was possible, allowing himself to be encompassed in Bruce’s arms.
“Dick…” Bruce tried again, but words kept failing him. This was one of the few times when he was lost for words. He really had no idea what was going through Dick’s mind or why he suddenly seemed so emotional, so Bruce really had no idea how to go about comforting him.
The first thing Bruce did say, however, was, “You have nothing to be sorry for. Do you hear me, Dick? Nothing.”
“When I think about some of the things I said to you,” Dick said around a loud gulp of air. “Even just now, this stupid fight-“
“Shh,” Bruce quickly hushed him, pressing his lips to Dick’s head in a kiss. “I didn’t understand. I didn’t see how difficult this was for you. You’re right, it was a stupid fight, but I didn’t exactly help it, did I? The last thing you needed after waiting up all night was to be scolded.”
“It’s not just that,” Dick said, his voice still shaky. “It was a lot of the things I’ve said to you since I’ve come here. All those times I got angry at you and screamed that you’re not my father. So stupid.“
“Completely understandable,” Bruce cut him off before he could finish. “I’m not your father.”
“But you’ve been nothing but amazing to me.” Dick finally looked up at his guardian, his eyes red-rimmed and his cheeks tear-streaked. “You and Alfred both. Maybe a little gratitude on my part would have been better than throwing all of this back in your face.”
“You did nothing of the sort,” Bruce insisted. He let go of Dick, using his thumbs to wipe away the wetness from his young ward’s face. “I told you, you were angry. I fully expected that when I took you in. I would have been shocked if you hadn’t displayed some degree of rage. Having been my guardian through my own loss, Alfred was fully prepared for it as well. You did nothing wrong.”
“Even so,” Dick said, wiping quickly at his nose, “I really need to tell you something.”
“Hm?”
“Thank you,” Dick gulped out. “For taking me in. Despite what I’ve said to you in the past, you really were a father to me when I desperately needed one, even though I wouldn’t admit it.”
This earned a small smile from Bruce. “You know, Dick,” he said over the young boy’s sniffles, “you always act like I did such a great thing for you, but…I don’t think you realize just how much you’ve done for me in return.”
Dick stared at him, not quite sure what on earth Bruce could be getting at. “What could I have ever done for you?” Dick asked, sounding incredulous.
“I told you,” was all that Bruce said at first. When Dick kept looking up at him questioningly, Bruce replied, “You’ve become my son. That may not seem like a lot to you, but believe me when I say that you’ve filled a void that has been present in my life for far longer than I care to admit. I’d wanted children for as long as I can remember, but it never seemed like an option. I will never date or marry, because I consider myself married to my work. I wouldn’t have the time to devote to a relationship that it would need to flourish. Nor would I have the time for a baby. I’d have to leave it with Alfred and Aunt Harriet a lot. Perhaps even hire a nanny.” Bruce shook his head sadly. “I wouldn’t want to leave a child to be raised by someone else who probably would barely even recognize me half the time.”
“So you take me in instead,” Dick pointed out. His voice was hovering on joking, but Bruce didn’t seem entirely sure.
“You’re hardly a baby,” Bruce said firmly. “You’re at the age where you’re more or less able to take care of yourself.” Bruce hung his head, staring down at his free hand in his lap. “And…well, I told you.” When he raised his gaze, it was to stare unwaveringly into Dick’s eyes. “When I took you in, I never expected our relationship to take the turn it has. Giving you a place to live and leaving you with Alfred…seemed like enough. You weren’t my child, so I didn’t think I’d have to spend all that much time with you.” Bruce broke off, tilting his head back and breaking the gaze he’d held with Dick. “Perhaps a bit callous, I’ll admit.”
When Bruce didn’t continue, Dick said, “But that’s not the way things ended up.” His voice wasn’t hurt or angry the way Bruce had thought it would be; rather it was a bit emotional and seemingly interested in what Bruce had to say.
“Not at all,” Bruce replied, sounding relieved that his words hadn’t upset Dick. “You know that. You ended up worming your way into my heart so quickly…I almost didn’t know what hit me. Before I could really even process what was happening, I found myself wanting desperately to spend more and more time with you.” Glancing down at Dick again, he placed the index finger of his free hand against the underside of Dick’s chin. Directing his ward’s gaze up to him, he continued, “You have completely filled that hole in my heart - the one I wanted to be filled with a child someday. Believe me, I want nothing more than to spend each and every day with you, to give you all of my time.” Around a heavy sigh, he added, “I only wish I had more of it to give you.”
“You try your hardest,” Dick said. “I didn’t understand that before, but I do now. I always thought you were canceling on me, because you’d much rather do something by yourself without me tagging along at your side all the time.”
“No,” Bruce breathed, steadfastly shaking his head. “God, no, Dick. “Nothing - absolutely nothing - is more important than you are. There isn’t a single soul on this earth that I’d rather spend my time with. If I could disregard all of my other responsibilities in favor of spending all of my time with you, then I’d gladly do it. But I can’t.”
“I know,” Dick repeated, sounding even more okay with the current situation than he had in a long time. “You have a responsibility to the citizens of Gotham. Besides, I think you’d be pretty miserable if you gave up being Batman. That’s obviously a large part of who you are.”
“None of that, however,” Bruce said, “makes you any less important. I want you to know that. No matter how many times I have to cancel plans with you in the future, no matter how many times I have to run out to go after an insane criminal, you are still the most important thing in this world to me. Always.”
Dick’s bottom lip quivered and his eyes glistened with unshed tears. “I love you, Bruce,” he said, reaching up to wrap his arms around Bruce’s neck. He buried his face in Bruce’s soft sweater again, sniffling slightly.
Dick was suddenly being so physical with him, it took Bruce back a bit. He had never quite seen Dick like this, but Bruce supposed that the events of the day had probably taken quite a toll on him. Dick was curling into him so tightly, he seemed a lot younger than he really was - almost like a small child rather than a growing teenager.
Wrapping his arms just as tightly around Dick, however, Bruce pulled him even closer and began rocking him slightly. “I love you too, Dick.”
After a while, the room fell into complete silence. Bruce simply held Dick for a while, letting the boy calm down. Eventually, Bruce realized that Dick’s breathing had slowed tremendously. Bruce leaned forward over him, brushing the hair back from Dick’s face to find that he had fallen asleep.
At first, Bruce glanced around, unsure about how he would get up with a sleeping teenager slumped over him. He didn’t want to wake Dick up; it had been such a very long, hard day for Dick. It had taken Dick such a long time to even calm down enough for sleep to claim him, and Bruce didn’t want to disturb him.
In the end, Bruce pulled the two pillows from the head of Dick’s bed down towards him. Bruce fluffed them and propped them underneath him, leaning into them and letting Dick rest against his chest. It was an awkward position, and Bruce knew he was going to be sore in the morning, but he wasn’t worried about that right now. All he wanted was to let his young ward be at peace. Now that he had found it, far be it from Bruce to bring him out of it.
Bruce held him like that all night long, his arms wrapped tightly around Dick until the sun rose.
It seems that Bruce and Dick have worked things out, but what of the Riddler?
What could he be planning and are our heroes ready for it?
For the answers,
Tune in next time…
Same fan site…
Same fan channel.
One word of warning:
The most harrowing is yet to come!