(no subject)
Although this isn't really anything new, I've been thinking a great deal lately about big time commitments, timescale, time spent, long-term plans and all the things I want that I *just have no control over*. I just passed my 4-year anniversary of working for OUP, and although I tell myself I'm not trapped (I've had promotions! And moved to an office in another country! I'm, not trapped! Right!?), I still worry that I'm coasting and time is passing me by. I've been working in a marketing position, where I've had the luxury of being able to approach my work from an academic angle and fully throw myself into curiosity, self-management, travel, and refusal (sometimes) to spend my time unwisely or grossly. But the higher up I get, and the more pressure put on me to be an "expert" in my job, the more uncertainty and worry (and apathy, which is the most concerning) I feel about marketing strategy. In the face of feeling fairly uninspired in my job, I ended up applying for funding to start a Professional Diploma in Marketing (essentially a Masters) which would be compressed into the time between September and June 2013 knowing I'll have to take night classes on top of work, intensive weekends away, take exams and at least three 6,000 word papers (about 75 pages).
Aside from the massive commitment, the thing that's weighing on me the most is the tie-in and the likely result of that contract. Work would cover the costs of the diploma and program, which is cool, but if I were to leave the company within two years of finishing it, I'd need to pay them back all or a significant portion of the cost. Basically, this boils down to me thinking less about the cost and commitment (though those are pretty serious considerations to weigh) and more along the lines of, wow: June 2015. *If* I were to finish in June. Three more years of living in Oxford, in all likelihood. It's a great place to live, don't get me wrong, I don't have many complaints about that. But June 2015. I would be nearly 30 (Jesus).
I know a lot can change between now and then, but I've just felt increasingly anxious (and maybe sad) about the yawning uncertainty of what's ahead. Maybe having a commitment like this to frame the next few years for me would be a really good thing, in a way, as I can think of my life here in a more permanent, invested way. I throw myself at most invitations and opportunities here, but I haven't invested in building community outside the confines of work really, so I've been suffering a bit from what feels like a continuous exodus of people moving on to other places and other companies. My two closest friends moved within the first year (though one visits about every other week - is only a 20 minute train ride away - and the other I'm going to see in her new home in Northern Italy in two weeks, then again two weeks after that for a homebrewing festival she's hosting, and then about 5 weeks after that for a big, weekend-long folk festival in the Brecon Beacons - a mountain range in Wales); my closest guy friend (and only American guy friend) moved about a year ago; my housemate is leaving this summer, along with her entire friendgroup who are all scattering (to Ireland, Sweden, and Canada); my newer closest girlfriends are all looking for employment in other cities; the man who I was infatuated with last year turned in his resignation and is going to Canda in less than a month; the guy I just started "dating" is on interviews this week in London; and on and on. I miss the US, but even thinking about that, I really don't know where I'd move if I did. Eventually back to North Carolina (and more than anything, I want to settle in NC), but before that? The Pacific Northwest? Back to Chicago? To NYC since it would make sense for publishing and I think I might have enough of a critical mass of friends already there to not get swallowed up into a hole of loneliness? London since it'd logistically be much easier than NY (though harder to make friends and be social, possibly?)? Stay put in Oxford and stop worrying about what I can't control?
More than anything, I miss American men. And that's not in a pining way, but in a... kind of hysterical way. This year has been honestly *the* most fraught year of dude after dude. I've had more guys interested in me in this space of time than any other comparable year and a half, but all of these pursuits have had their disappointments and failings. Never felt as pursued, but also haven't really ever felt as continuously foiled. It may sound kind of dumb, but that's a kind of major reason for my wanting to get back to the US before I'm a sad ole cat lady: I'm increasingly more sure that I want to be with an American dude. How terrible does that sound? Am I crazy, am I forgetting that this would be difficult no matter where I was living?
Part 2, for Jess:
I just heard back about the course and have been awarded the funding (while others were rejected, so I was favoured by the heads of marketing that all met to discuss and argue for who deserved it the most). I'd say that's good, but what they've offered is not full funding, it's about 78%, which leaves £610 in the balance for me to cover out of pocket. I called the people who lead the course for more details and found out that the course would probably take more in the neighborhood of 18 months for me to complete, if I'm working full-time, which is also something to take into serious consideration re: timescale and tie-in. On the other hand, the tie-in looks like it's only a year rather than two, since I'm not getting a post graduate degree. So the course takes longer, but the tie-in is shorter. It would probably take me September 2012 - March 2014, and then I'd need to wait at least 6 months after that before leaving or I'd have to pay back the full amount (on top of any moving expenses that would come through in a situation where I'd be leaving). This means if I do the course, I will have to pay the cost in full unless I stay at the company until at least September 2014, which would be my 29th birthday (or March 2015 to pay just the £610 balance; the amount they aren't offering to cover).
I'm just starting to feel worried generally because that's a whole lot of commitment for not being supercertain about what I want to do with my life. I can't feasibly commit to doing something until I'm almost 30, especially in a country that's not my home when having a family is the most important lifegoal of mine. Late 20s to 30 is the time that I'll be looking to make at least a step towards a future family; mostly that steps simply means finding a partner that I can see myself doing the rest with, feasibly, and having a healthy relationship. That's it. In all likelihood I need to stop stressing the fuck out about that because in 3 years? Chances are decent. And it doesn't really matter where I live, I don't necessarily have radically different chances of meeting someone I'd want a partnership with in the UK versus the US. And on the other hand, timescale can go out the window in a way because even assuming I do have to pay the full expense, education is an investment however you look at it. I shouldn't worry about things I don't know and can't control? It's just stressing me out because it's forcing me to think about bigger and more serious questions and commitments than just the course work or the money, not that those don't also have their drawbacks and/or considerations! I really don't know what to do, because now I feel like it'd look bad for me to be like EHHH, changed my mind!, but at the same time, casually taking on an outgoing commitment of £2,800 is kinda a big deal. On a totally other side (this isn't a two-sided coin), Flems just got a new job that I'm sure she'll tell you about and is making about £13,000 more, so these piddly little amounts in the scheme of things maybe don't matter? Probably a large part of why she got this job is CIM? Maybe?