(no subject)
uhm, yeah. not what you think.
lying awake beside you
watching in the dark
you can sleep through anything,
even your parents coming home
but they are gone for the weekend,
so i am here, not being missed by my own parent
you sleep, i watch.
the afterwards.
we were just so close
you said those three words.
and i believed it.
now you are asleep,
it's dark
and im back with myself again.
you have no idea,
this darkness.
i wish i could be the person you think i am
the person worthy of your love.
but i'm not.
i do not deserve you.
your breath,
my confession.
i have hurt people.
different people, same hurt.
i have done things because i wanted to.
for no other reason than wanting to.
i have done things,
been the darkness.
there should only be one of us here
you have no idea that i will break your heart
do you know,
that when you break a heart, your own shatters too?
whenever i tell the truth,
you back away from it.
you don't want to know.
but you should know.
the more you love me, the more i will ruin you.
i will take my darkness and i will push it inside you.
i have done unforgivable things
(you inhale, exhale)
i have taken advantage of weaknesses
been with the wrong boys, knowing they would later make me want to die.
i have lied to often ive lost all track of the truth
i have stolen attention, because i knew i could.
i have never been faithful.
until you.
but do not let yourself trust me.
the last one who did ended up shattered.
he told me he loved me.
i turned away, walked away.
he thought i was playing, but i wasnt.
im that damaged.
you sleep so innocently, i watch guiltily.
i didn't see this coming.
you kissed me.
we both wanted it.
one holding the other,
until the lines between us blurred.
i liked your eyes,
you liked my body.
but i do care,
enough that i should leave you. now.
you deserve someone else.
someone who will turn her world for you.
you will argue with me.
(not now, you are asleep)
you will rip yourself to shreds to prove it to me.
you will not hear the chorus of everyone i have let down.
they sing from inside me,
sing from the darkness.
you do not know them.
they are from another town, another time, the past.
but from the same person,
who lies here next to you.
pull up the sheet,
inhale, exhale.
you are so beautiful
in this light.
i wish i could stop remembering.
when i went wrong.
there was no pleasure in it,
only bored destruction.
i am a damager.
and yet, you hold me.
with you i feel real.
but i worry about what lies beneath.
at the end of the book, Holden says dont tell anybody anything.
i say all those things without aying them out loud.
you are so soft like this, touchable.
inhale, exhale.
breath is not aware of history, it is just breath.
i wish i could be like that, or love could anyway.
you give me hope.
i debate whether i deserve it.
the rise, fall, rise of your chest.
if i hold you, you will know it in your dreams.
i run to the cliff, and then see you sleeping.
i stop.
forgive me for what i might do to you.
i told you, first met you, never to fall in love with me.
the unsilent silence.
the inhale, the exhale.
the unearned comfort.
i put my arms around you.
and in your dreams,
you smile.