Look Only At Me
Title: Look Only At Me
Genre: Angst, Stream of Consciousness
Rating: PG
Pairing: G-Dragon/Park Bom
Summary: A relationship crumbles
“I can’t do this.”
All he could do was watch her back. Watch as she walked out on him. He knew it was his fault too. All the time he had told her this would be the last lie, that he would be better for her… it had all been for nothing. They both knew it but she’d endured.
As she’d said all she did was endure.
And he knew that.
Before he went out to party with the other members he thought of her. Thought of her back at their apartment, enduring. A part of him wondered how he could be so cruel. He wasn’t a cruel person. He didn’t kick puppies or take candy from children. Yet every time he was about to betray her trust he thought about her. And he always decided the same thing: she would endure. All she did was endure. And another part of him knew she always would. The egotistical side of him knew she couldn’t do better than him. Wouldn’t do better than him.
It wasn’t that she wasn’t beautiful.
She was.
It wasn’t that she wasn’t interesting.
She was.
But there was a piece of her that was weak. A piece that he couldn’t help but exploit, even though at the end of the day he hated himself for it. He hated himself for what he’d become: the monster that exploited the trust of the woman he claimed to love.
But time and time again he would do things to hurt her. Willingly. Knowingly. Was it a lack of self control?
Every time he went out he couldn’t help but feel that he was better off without her. Without this noose around the neck of his freedom. To fully commit himself to her would be hanging himself.
When he felt like that he would drink away the fear of that noose. He would brush his lips against another’s, just to prove to himself that he hadn’t lost himself in her.
In the end that was all it was.
Fear.
He was young and he should live his life right?
He was a rockstar and he should party like one right?
Every night he exercised that freedom he would come back to her with an apology. He knew what he was doing was wrong. He knew every time he looked into her eyes, drunk, sober, no matter what.
Because she was always looking at him.
No matter what he did, the weak part of her compelled her to only look at him. And he knew that.
Placed his bets on it.
But something was different this time.
He’d known as soon as he’d walked into their apartment. Her bags were packed. But that was nothing new. He couldn’t count how many times she’d packed those bags and threatened to leave. He would come at her with the sweet lies. Tender kisses that always spoke of empty promises. And they both knew but it was enough to bring out the weakness in her.
And she would stay.
She would look at him.
And he would win.
But not this time.
This time he was losing. Tender kisses were met with firm shoves. Lies were met with rebuttal. Promises were cast off as lies.
And then she’d looked away.
Somewhere over his shoulder. At someone else. And it was like the spell had been broken. That weakness in her was gone along with her gaze.
And with that she was gone.
He’d lost.
Genre: Angst, Stream of Consciousness
Rating: PG
Pairing: G-Dragon/Park Bom
Summary: A relationship crumbles
“I can’t do this.”
All he could do was watch her back. Watch as she walked out on him. He knew it was his fault too. All the time he had told her this would be the last lie, that he would be better for her… it had all been for nothing. They both knew it but she’d endured.
As she’d said all she did was endure.
And he knew that.
Before he went out to party with the other members he thought of her. Thought of her back at their apartment, enduring. A part of him wondered how he could be so cruel. He wasn’t a cruel person. He didn’t kick puppies or take candy from children. Yet every time he was about to betray her trust he thought about her. And he always decided the same thing: she would endure. All she did was endure. And another part of him knew she always would. The egotistical side of him knew she couldn’t do better than him. Wouldn’t do better than him.
It wasn’t that she wasn’t beautiful.
She was.
It wasn’t that she wasn’t interesting.
She was.
But there was a piece of her that was weak. A piece that he couldn’t help but exploit, even though at the end of the day he hated himself for it. He hated himself for what he’d become: the monster that exploited the trust of the woman he claimed to love.
But time and time again he would do things to hurt her. Willingly. Knowingly. Was it a lack of self control?
Every time he went out he couldn’t help but feel that he was better off without her. Without this noose around the neck of his freedom. To fully commit himself to her would be hanging himself.
When he felt like that he would drink away the fear of that noose. He would brush his lips against another’s, just to prove to himself that he hadn’t lost himself in her.
In the end that was all it was.
Fear.
He was young and he should live his life right?
He was a rockstar and he should party like one right?
Every night he exercised that freedom he would come back to her with an apology. He knew what he was doing was wrong. He knew every time he looked into her eyes, drunk, sober, no matter what.
Because she was always looking at him.
No matter what he did, the weak part of her compelled her to only look at him. And he knew that.
Placed his bets on it.
But something was different this time.
He’d known as soon as he’d walked into their apartment. Her bags were packed. But that was nothing new. He couldn’t count how many times she’d packed those bags and threatened to leave. He would come at her with the sweet lies. Tender kisses that always spoke of empty promises. And they both knew but it was enough to bring out the weakness in her.
And she would stay.
She would look at him.
And he would win.
But not this time.
This time he was losing. Tender kisses were met with firm shoves. Lies were met with rebuttal. Promises were cast off as lies.
And then she’d looked away.
Somewhere over his shoulder. At someone else. And it was like the spell had been broken. That weakness in her was gone along with her gaze.
And with that she was gone.
He’d lost.