whoa, it'ssa rainin' out!
Ok well....idk. i really feel like typing right now, i think i need to get some stuff down to help get it out of my head....so, here goes. It'll prob be boring, so you don't have to read this part....Here, i'll put it behind a cut.
So....ok. Damn, where do i even start? Alright, well. Toni's out of town. In Santa Barbara. Or at least, that's where she told me she was going Saturday night. Did she get there? Idk. But prob. Why don't I know? Cuz she hasn't told me. Why hasn't she? Cuz she hasn't talked to me since some random texts Sunday night. Why hasn't she talked to me? Your guess is as good as mine. My top three reasons are as follows: 1) She lost her phone, 2) She's not getting the texts I'm sending (which is only two), and 3) She's just plain ignoring me. Of course there's a lot of other explanations, but, whatever.
Ok, I mean, granted, she's on Spring Break this week. Ok, that's cool. I totally understand she's under a lot of stress with school and misc other things. I get it. I do. And her friend from out of town was going to be in town and she wanted to hang out. I understand that as well. They decide to go out of town for Spring Break, cuz why the fuck not, it'd be fun. Ok, i can understand that, too. A carefree week doing holy fuck knows what. Yeah, super exciting, and who wouldn't want to? i'd be down, but yeah, I have work. Oh yeah, and I wasn't invited (not that I really wanted to be). Acutally, she told me almost as an after-thought. Yeah, whatever. But ok. So, i should be happy for her right? Hope she has a good time, right? Sure. But am I? Not really, no. Am I jealous? Yeah, prob a bit. Am I selfish? Prob more than I should even consider being. Cuz are we together? Nope. Jus friends, right? Suure.
But still....I care for n love her so fucking much, it's ridiculous at times; most times. And is it really so much to want to spend some time with her when she's totally free from worry n stress, no school or anything? I don't really think so. I'm not asking for the whole week. Jus a day would have been nice. But did I even get a good-bye? Of course not. But then, I think it might be better that way. Cuz now, I can spend most of the time she's gone pissed off at her instead jus missing her. But should I really have expected her to tell me good-bye? To see her before she left? No, but I definately hoped for it. But then I remember, she doens't do things like that. Is it her fault? No, not entirely. I think i jus imagine her doing what I'd do, even tho I know it won't happen, so I end up making myself sad at soemthing I already know isn't going to happen. Wow, that's pathetic.
And more than that, she hasn't talked to me. When I go out of town, she always texts me or calls. Am I expected to do the same? I know i'm not. She never expects me to do things like that. But yeah, i'll text her to say hi. But I get nothing back. If it's because of reason #3, I wish she'd jus say so. I hate being ignored. If you don't want to talk, then say so. That hurts, but at least I know not to keep trying and hoping for something I'm not going to get. Plus, it only makes my over active imagination work on overdrive. I tend to come up with all sorts of crazy, bizarre, off the wall shit. I've had this feeling all day that something might have happened. Not necessarily bad, but something I know I wouldn't like. And I'm caught between wanting to know and the bliss of ignorance. Unfortunately as I've said, I jus make stuff up instead and get worked up over things I shouldn't. But when I'm no told the reality, I have nothing else to go on. Does she miss me? I don't know. Is she thinking of me? Prob not. Should she be? I guess not. Maybe I'm part of what she needs to "get away" from. I jus wish she'd tell me that tho. But then again, maybe she shouldn't have to. Maybe I should jus know. And when she gets back, I'm sure we'll hang out. And I'm sure she'll be all full of stories about the crazy shit that went down. I'll be excited for her, but at the same time, I'll despise her for it. I want more than anything to hear about her time, every little part about it. But I know I won't want to hear most of it. That's prob bad, but that's how it is. And I can't really explain why that is, and more than likely, I'll prob tell her to not tell me. I jus can't handle it right now. I won't do it to be mean, but to avoid how I would prob take it and react. I'm starting to figure out her behavoirs that trigger mine, so I'd rather avoid it then getting in another fight or misunderstanding. So that's good, right? I hope so.
So much of this relationship confuses the fuck out of me. Even after we have long talks about things. I jus can't wrap my mind around it sometimes. It's like staring at a cake thru a glass container, and knowing you have to pull it off to get it, but not knowing how to do it. I don't know if that's a good analogy (ok prob not) but...yeah. It seems like this should be so easy, yet there's always something there to complicated it in some way. It's beyond frustrating and so many times I jus want to say 'fuck it. fuck this. fuck you. bye." and jus walk away and out of her life and never think of her again. But...I know I couldn't. And I know a part of me wants to do it jus to see if she thinks that, at least, our friendship is worth keeping and would chase after me and make me change my mind. Show me it's not that bad. Show me she wants it as much as I do. But then....I remember she's not like that. If I said fuck it, that'd prob be the end of it. Because to her, she has no place to tell me what to do or not to do. Well I fucking wish she would sometimes. It doesn't have to be taken that way. It could jus be the words of a friend who cares that much about their close friend. But that's just want I want. And what I want and what she wants...well that usually tends to be two very different things.
I really don't know where I was going with this whole thing, but I think I jus wanted to get it written out. Do I want her to read this? Yes and no. Yes, because some things I still have trouble with saying in person, even if it'd help the situation. And the at least she'd know how I felt. But then again.... I wouldn't want her to take this the wrong way. Jus because I feel a certain way, or say somethingin partiular doesn't mean that that's how I'm set on it. It's jus one of the things that goes thru my mind and stays there longer than I'd like. Maybe I'm the one confusing and complicated this relationship. I prob am. Fuck me then, huh?
I just want her to give me something. Something that I can know she doesn't block me out of her mind. That I have some importance outside of this town to her. I want her to want to talk to me. But....I guess I jus have to remain wanting and accept that's how she is. Things done on her time. And that's fine. It is. But couldn't she sometimes try to maybe think like me and do something unexpected that I'd thuroughly enjoy? Why not. but...I'm thinking again. I believe one day she will tho. And as much as I don't want to admit it, it might not be with or for me. And that thought still scares the shit out of me. Should I jus give up already? Prob. But I can't. I jus can't.
I love her.
So anyway....work has been stressful. It's starting to warm up, so we're busy. And I had my phone interview with the regional hiring lady. she was nice, and I think it went really well. We talked for like 45 mins. I think I rambled a lot, but I think i got my point across. And apparently, from what I gathered, I pretty much have the promotion, it's jus a matter of how ready I am and when I would start training. Ha, how exciting! :P
Ok well I was gonna go to Japanese class...and it starts in 10 mins, so my ass is gonna be late. Oh well. I like to make a flashy enterance. *snort* So...yeah. I'm outtie.
So....ok. Damn, where do i even start? Alright, well. Toni's out of town. In Santa Barbara. Or at least, that's where she told me she was going Saturday night. Did she get there? Idk. But prob. Why don't I know? Cuz she hasn't told me. Why hasn't she? Cuz she hasn't talked to me since some random texts Sunday night. Why hasn't she talked to me? Your guess is as good as mine. My top three reasons are as follows: 1) She lost her phone, 2) She's not getting the texts I'm sending (which is only two), and 3) She's just plain ignoring me. Of course there's a lot of other explanations, but, whatever.
Ok, I mean, granted, she's on Spring Break this week. Ok, that's cool. I totally understand she's under a lot of stress with school and misc other things. I get it. I do. And her friend from out of town was going to be in town and she wanted to hang out. I understand that as well. They decide to go out of town for Spring Break, cuz why the fuck not, it'd be fun. Ok, i can understand that, too. A carefree week doing holy fuck knows what. Yeah, super exciting, and who wouldn't want to? i'd be down, but yeah, I have work. Oh yeah, and I wasn't invited (not that I really wanted to be). Acutally, she told me almost as an after-thought. Yeah, whatever. But ok. So, i should be happy for her right? Hope she has a good time, right? Sure. But am I? Not really, no. Am I jealous? Yeah, prob a bit. Am I selfish? Prob more than I should even consider being. Cuz are we together? Nope. Jus friends, right? Suure.
But still....I care for n love her so fucking much, it's ridiculous at times; most times. And is it really so much to want to spend some time with her when she's totally free from worry n stress, no school or anything? I don't really think so. I'm not asking for the whole week. Jus a day would have been nice. But did I even get a good-bye? Of course not. But then, I think it might be better that way. Cuz now, I can spend most of the time she's gone pissed off at her instead jus missing her. But should I really have expected her to tell me good-bye? To see her before she left? No, but I definately hoped for it. But then I remember, she doens't do things like that. Is it her fault? No, not entirely. I think i jus imagine her doing what I'd do, even tho I know it won't happen, so I end up making myself sad at soemthing I already know isn't going to happen. Wow, that's pathetic.
And more than that, she hasn't talked to me. When I go out of town, she always texts me or calls. Am I expected to do the same? I know i'm not. She never expects me to do things like that. But yeah, i'll text her to say hi. But I get nothing back. If it's because of reason #3, I wish she'd jus say so. I hate being ignored. If you don't want to talk, then say so. That hurts, but at least I know not to keep trying and hoping for something I'm not going to get. Plus, it only makes my over active imagination work on overdrive. I tend to come up with all sorts of crazy, bizarre, off the wall shit. I've had this feeling all day that something might have happened. Not necessarily bad, but something I know I wouldn't like. And I'm caught between wanting to know and the bliss of ignorance. Unfortunately as I've said, I jus make stuff up instead and get worked up over things I shouldn't. But when I'm no told the reality, I have nothing else to go on. Does she miss me? I don't know. Is she thinking of me? Prob not. Should she be? I guess not. Maybe I'm part of what she needs to "get away" from. I jus wish she'd tell me that tho. But then again, maybe she shouldn't have to. Maybe I should jus know. And when she gets back, I'm sure we'll hang out. And I'm sure she'll be all full of stories about the crazy shit that went down. I'll be excited for her, but at the same time, I'll despise her for it. I want more than anything to hear about her time, every little part about it. But I know I won't want to hear most of it. That's prob bad, but that's how it is. And I can't really explain why that is, and more than likely, I'll prob tell her to not tell me. I jus can't handle it right now. I won't do it to be mean, but to avoid how I would prob take it and react. I'm starting to figure out her behavoirs that trigger mine, so I'd rather avoid it then getting in another fight or misunderstanding. So that's good, right? I hope so.
So much of this relationship confuses the fuck out of me. Even after we have long talks about things. I jus can't wrap my mind around it sometimes. It's like staring at a cake thru a glass container, and knowing you have to pull it off to get it, but not knowing how to do it. I don't know if that's a good analogy (ok prob not) but...yeah. It seems like this should be so easy, yet there's always something there to complicated it in some way. It's beyond frustrating and so many times I jus want to say 'fuck it. fuck this. fuck you. bye." and jus walk away and out of her life and never think of her again. But...I know I couldn't. And I know a part of me wants to do it jus to see if she thinks that, at least, our friendship is worth keeping and would chase after me and make me change my mind. Show me it's not that bad. Show me she wants it as much as I do. But then....I remember she's not like that. If I said fuck it, that'd prob be the end of it. Because to her, she has no place to tell me what to do or not to do. Well I fucking wish she would sometimes. It doesn't have to be taken that way. It could jus be the words of a friend who cares that much about their close friend. But that's just want I want. And what I want and what she wants...well that usually tends to be two very different things.
I really don't know where I was going with this whole thing, but I think I jus wanted to get it written out. Do I want her to read this? Yes and no. Yes, because some things I still have trouble with saying in person, even if it'd help the situation. And the at least she'd know how I felt. But then again.... I wouldn't want her to take this the wrong way. Jus because I feel a certain way, or say somethingin partiular doesn't mean that that's how I'm set on it. It's jus one of the things that goes thru my mind and stays there longer than I'd like. Maybe I'm the one confusing and complicated this relationship. I prob am. Fuck me then, huh?
I just want her to give me something. Something that I can know she doesn't block me out of her mind. That I have some importance outside of this town to her. I want her to want to talk to me. But....I guess I jus have to remain wanting and accept that's how she is. Things done on her time. And that's fine. It is. But couldn't she sometimes try to maybe think like me and do something unexpected that I'd thuroughly enjoy? Why not. but...I'm thinking again. I believe one day she will tho. And as much as I don't want to admit it, it might not be with or for me. And that thought still scares the shit out of me. Should I jus give up already? Prob. But I can't. I jus can't.
I love her.
So anyway....work has been stressful. It's starting to warm up, so we're busy. And I had my phone interview with the regional hiring lady. she was nice, and I think it went really well. We talked for like 45 mins. I think I rambled a lot, but I think i got my point across. And apparently, from what I gathered, I pretty much have the promotion, it's jus a matter of how ready I am and when I would start training. Ha, how exciting! :P
Ok well I was gonna go to Japanese class...and it starts in 10 mins, so my ass is gonna be late. Oh well. I like to make a flashy enterance. *snort* So...yeah. I'm outtie.