Title: changes in latitudes
Fandom: super junior
Author:
Pairing bandfic, eeteuk-centric, crack
Rating pg-13
Summary It's Eeteuk's day off and all he wants to do is pee and maybe have a drink.
For
bittersnow, to (hopefully) make her smile and an apology that her fic is taking SO GODDAMN LONG
Eeteuk is woken by a harsh knock on his door, and he has the sudden disorienting feeling of not knowing where he is or remembering how he got there. He blinks, and remembers: a late night filming, staggering out of the van and flopping facefirst onto his bed. He’s still fully clothed, and he can feel the weight of his shoes on his feet, hanging off the bed. He grimaces, wiping absently at the drool pooling under his mouth, and the knocking begins again, briefly, until Heechul just opens the door and walks in.
“Have you seen Heebum,” he demands crossly, and Eeteuk blinks at him, rubbing sleep away from his face.
“No,” he croaks, and slowly gets up, his joints creaking audibly. Heechul arches an eyebrow at him.
“Getting old, Jungsu,” he smirks, and Eeteuk glares. Heechul leaves, clicking his tongue against his teeth to call Heebum to him, and Eeteuk heads to the bathroom.
“Only one year younger than me,” he mutters darkly, and slams the bathroom door behind him, “stupid face--” he pauses. There is a foot peeking from behind the shower curtain, dressed in a dark sock and leaning on the rim of the bathtub. He turns on his heel and walks into the living room.
Eunhyuk and Donghae are playing video games on the couch, and Heechul is idly reading a magazine while Siwon dutifully feeds him shrimp chips. “Okay,” Eeteuk says in a very calm voice, “I need you all to be very honest with me. Did any of you murder someone and hide the corpse in our bathroom?” he pauses and narrows his eyes significantly, “Heechul?”
Eunhyuk shakes his head, and Siwon and Heechul grunt in what Eeteuk assumes is a negative fashion. Donghae shrugs. “I don’t know,” he says, and Eeteuk presses a hand to his temple.
“How,” he grits through his teeth, “do you not know if you you’re the reason someone is lying in our bathtub?”
“I don’t know,” Donghae says, and twists around on the couch to face Heechul. “Heechul-hyung, do you love Heebum more than me?”
Heechul doesn’t look up from his magazine, “I love you more than Siwon,” he offers, and Donghae beams.
“Hyung!” Siwon protests, and Heechul shrugs.
“I love you more than Heebum,” Eunhyuk says comfortingly.
“Shut up,” says Donghae, and wanders over to his laptop on the table.
“Who is in our bathtub,” Eeteuk shrieks, and takes a deep calming breath. Hankyung wanders in from the hallway, looking sleepy.
“What’s going on?” he asks, and flops on the couch.
“What?” Eunhyuk says, looking confused. Hankyung glares at him.
“I’m speaking Korean!” he complains, and Eunhyuk nods.
“Mmhmm,” he says. Hankyung glares harder.
“There’s someone in our bathtub,” Heechul explains airily. Donghae nods. Eeteuk feels a migraine coming on.
“Oh,” Hankyung says, “that was me.” Eunhyuk sits up straight and scoots away from Hankyung, looking horrified.
“You killed someone and put the corpse in our bathtub?” he blurts, and Heechul looks interested.
“Did you really,” he asks excitedly. From the kitchen table, Donghae perks up.
“No,” Eeteuk interjects, a tad desperately, “no, he did not Hankyung you did not.”
“No,” Hankyung says, “that was me in the bathtub, I was sleeping.”
“Oh,” Eunhyuk says in relief, and relaxes back into the couch.
“You’re so boring,” Heechul complains, and frowns. Donghae makes a disappointed noise.
“Why,” Eeteuk interjects, “were you sleeping in our bathtub?”
“I don’t know,” Donghae says.
“Not you,” Eunhyuk reminds him.
“Oh.” Donghae says.
“I,” Eeteuk says with what he considers great restraint, “am going down to the other dorm, where everyone knows whether or not they committed murder and no one is disappointed when it turns out there isn’t a corpse in the bathtub.”
“But I’ve never seen one before,” Donghae protests.
“You’re just as boring as Hankyung is,” Heechul says snottily. Hankyung narrows his eyes.
“Heechul spilled kimchi on your white boxer shorts,” he tells Eeteuk vindictively, and Eeteuk spins to face Heechul.
“My lucky boxer shorts?” he screeches, and Heechul shrugs.
“I don’t know,” he says, and exchanges a hive five with Donghae. “Your days are numbered,” he hisses at Hankyung.
“I BET GDRAGON DOESN’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS,” Eeteuk shouts, and storms out of the apartment.
He takes the stairs slowly, and consoles himself with the fact that he knows there is a bottle of very nice alcohol in the cupboard above the fridge in the other apartment.
Kyuhyun answers his knock by opening the door just wide enough to see his face, using his body to block Eeteuk’s line of sight into the apartment.
“Hyung,” he says with a large fake smile, “it’s so good to see you!”
“... okay,” Eeteuk says, “can I come in?” There’s a loud banging and a shriek from inside the apartment.
“Now’s not really a good time,” Kyuhyun says. Eeteuk blinks.
“Is that... Ryeowook yelling?” he asks incredulously.
“Definitely not,” Kyuhyun answers promptly before he lurches forward, knocked off balance as Ryeowook storms out of the apartment. Eeteuk has to take a hurried step to the side to avoid being run over. Ryeowook stomps to a halt and turns to yell back into the apartment.
“If you don’t like my tofu JUST SAY SO,” he shouts, flushed with anger, “I hope your takeout is very delicious!” He storms down the hallways, fists balled, and Kyuhyun is knocked forward again as Yesung chases after Ryeowook, tripping over himself as he tries to put on his shoes and run at the same time.
“Wait, Ryeowook,” he calls desperately, “your tofu is the best I’ve ever had!” He finishes struggling with his shoes and runs after Ryeowook, shoelaces flapping on the ground. Eeteuk stares after him for a moment, then turns back to Kyuhyun. His body is no longer blocking the view of the apartment behind him, and Eeteuk’s eyes narrow as he catches sight of--
Sungmin appears at Kyuhyun’s side, smiling widely.
“Is that--” Eeteuk starts, but Sungmin cuts him off.
“Nope,” Sungmin says cheerfully, and next to him Kyuhyun nods enthusiastically. Eeteuk sniffs the air.
“What’s that smell?” he asks suspiciously.
“Not sure,” Kyuhyun says, still smiling and nodding.
“Definitely not a fire,” Sungmin adds, and Kyuhyun nods harder.
“Definitely,” he agrees.
“Out of curiosity,” Sungmin adds, “is there a fire extinguisher in the apartment?”
“What.” Eeteuk says, and shakes his head. “Under the kitchen sink on the left.”
“Interesting,” Kyuhyun says, and elbows Sungmin hard.
“Oh!” Sungmin says, “my phone is ringing,” and takes off at a dead run into the apartment. Kyuhyun moves to block the door again.
“So hyung,” he says casually, “sup?”
“It’s not here,” Sungmin screeches, “Kyuhyun!!”
“Bye hyung!” Kyuhyun says, and slams the door in Eeteuk’s face.
“Maybe,” Eeteuk ponders aloud to himself, “upstairs is the normal apartment.” He lingers for a few moments, but doesn’t hear any fiery explosions so he trudges back to the stairs.
“Everything will be fine,” he chants to himself as he fits his key in the lock, “everything will be normal, everything will be normal, everything will be--” He steps into the apartment and stops dead.
The couches, chairs and table have been pushed to the side and there is a mattress leaning against the wall. On the other side of the room Donghae is straddling a fire extinguisher, wearing a helmet and kneepads. Eunhyuk is frozen with his hand on the valve, and Heechul is poking at Siwon in the kitchen, stirring something on the stove. Eeteuk opens his mouth to speak and just gapes, stutters.
“I HAVEN’T EVEN PEED YET,” he shouts, and points at Donghae and Eunhyuk, “No!” he yells, “No!” He storms down the hall to pee, and slams the bathroom door open.
“Hankyung!” he shouts, “get out of the goddamn bathtub!” Hankyung shuts his computer hurriedly and climbs out. Eeteuk pauses.
“Were you looking at flights to China?” he asks.
“What?” Hankyung asks, his accent thick, “I no understand.”
“Oh get out,” Eeteuk says, and locks the door behind him. He leans his forehead against the cool wood of the door and takes a couple of deep breaths. He has a couple moments of blessed peace before there’s an explosive whooshing sound and a multi-voiced shout of surprise.
Heechul laughs, loud and harsh and grating, and Donghae’s voice rises in a sharp crack of happy amusement. Eeteuk tilts his head back as he relieves himself over the toilet, and by the time he’s running warm clear water over the soap in his palms he can hear the murmur of Sungmin and Yesung humming and the clink of Ryeowook shifting through the pots to make dinner, the clatter of Kyuhyun banging away at his keyboard and the muted sounds of a video game.
“Do you have food?,” He hears Kangin call as he stomps through the front door, his boots thunking loudly on their floor, “I brought drinks.” Probably Kangin is too lazy to make his own food and probably Heechul is going to leave in a minute to meet with his plethora of friends and probably Sungmin and Yesung are only here because their apartment is slightly charred and probably Eeteuk has imagined Kibum’s voice altogether but it’s not a bad way to end his day off, he thinks, and opens the door to join them.
THIS IS WHY I SHOULD NEVER WRITE CRACK /O/