(no subject)
year end update, i suppose.
total bummer self important horseshit below cut
I don't write here much, anymore. I'm just too tired.
It's been a hard year.
Lot of firsts: true love, broken bone (surprised myself, too), first time below 200 pounds since i was in seventh grade (currently 192, comeplete with sagging rolls of skin that don't hold anything anymore). Well, three firsts.
Lot of things I'm not proud of: Consistent failure in all areas of life, too much behavior I'm not proud of. Too many bands that didn't go anywhere.
I live in an isolated and insulated bubble. It's not personal, it's just too scary out there. I can't deal with it.
I have hope that I'll finally be able to begin some of the projects and ideas that I have hoped for years to do. When I look at them, and all the associated accouterments i've accumulated, I can see it's mostly hopeless. They'll never get done, because my life will never really be mine. That's selfish, I know, but for fuck's sake, when do I get to live? And how can I do it without stepping on any toes? Well, I can't, and I'm a coward.
I'm pretty sure I thought about death every day this year. I didn't kill myself or take any steps in that direction.
I haven't really been drinking. Not to excess, anyway. I was using it as a crutch, and come from a long line of drunks. Not quite ready to resign myself to joining that line yet.
I'll probably fail in most of my undertakings unless I managed to carve out enough time to allow me to focus on doing them, and maybe being happy.
I guess I mostly feel lost, and generally worthless. Boy, sure wish I would have gotten a business degree and an office gig and given up on dreams like everyone wanted me to. sure would save a lot of headaches.
But you play the hand you're dealt, and since life isn't poker, you don't get a new one when you fold. (see what i did there?)
I don't make resolutions, because they're stupid. But, I do make vows-
-this year I'll get that stupid fucking college degree, and be done with it forever.
-actually ride my bike further than work at least once a week
-enroll in one framebuilding course, and possibly get a couple certs from UBI or Barnett's
-take at least one day a month to be completely alone and left to my own devices.
-work less hard, to focus on things i actually care about
there. Said my piece. Thanks for reading. I hope you came out of 2009 without too many scars.
2010, end of a decade. A fresh start. Everyone, do what you want to do, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, and be your own master. In the end, the only thing any of us actually has is our life, and giving too much of it away is no better than suicide.
be as safe as you want to be
total bummer self important horseshit below cut
I don't write here much, anymore. I'm just too tired.
It's been a hard year.
Lot of firsts: true love, broken bone (surprised myself, too), first time below 200 pounds since i was in seventh grade (currently 192, comeplete with sagging rolls of skin that don't hold anything anymore). Well, three firsts.
Lot of things I'm not proud of: Consistent failure in all areas of life, too much behavior I'm not proud of. Too many bands that didn't go anywhere.
I live in an isolated and insulated bubble. It's not personal, it's just too scary out there. I can't deal with it.
I have hope that I'll finally be able to begin some of the projects and ideas that I have hoped for years to do. When I look at them, and all the associated accouterments i've accumulated, I can see it's mostly hopeless. They'll never get done, because my life will never really be mine. That's selfish, I know, but for fuck's sake, when do I get to live? And how can I do it without stepping on any toes? Well, I can't, and I'm a coward.
I'm pretty sure I thought about death every day this year. I didn't kill myself or take any steps in that direction.
I haven't really been drinking. Not to excess, anyway. I was using it as a crutch, and come from a long line of drunks. Not quite ready to resign myself to joining that line yet.
I'll probably fail in most of my undertakings unless I managed to carve out enough time to allow me to focus on doing them, and maybe being happy.
I guess I mostly feel lost, and generally worthless. Boy, sure wish I would have gotten a business degree and an office gig and given up on dreams like everyone wanted me to. sure would save a lot of headaches.
But you play the hand you're dealt, and since life isn't poker, you don't get a new one when you fold. (see what i did there?)
I don't make resolutions, because they're stupid. But, I do make vows-
-this year I'll get that stupid fucking college degree, and be done with it forever.
-actually ride my bike further than work at least once a week
-enroll in one framebuilding course, and possibly get a couple certs from UBI or Barnett's
-take at least one day a month to be completely alone and left to my own devices.
-work less hard, to focus on things i actually care about
there. Said my piece. Thanks for reading. I hope you came out of 2009 without too many scars.
2010, end of a decade. A fresh start. Everyone, do what you want to do, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, and be your own master. In the end, the only thing any of us actually has is our life, and giving too much of it away is no better than suicide.
be as safe as you want to be