Comments | skarob: She Burns Just Like A Old Flame

skarob

She Burns Just Like A Old Flame

Apr 29, 2006 16:41

She smiles and we chat and the beast in my stomach roars. It twists and it growls and it bites. But I smiles and laugh. And she holds my heart in my hands, the blood dripping down her wrist. She wipes it away with a napkin, i try to cover the hole in my chest ( Read more... )

Comments 10

(The comment has been removed)

skarob April 30 2006, 20:50:01 UTC

thank you! Am sorry i made ur cry tho!

singergrl99 April 29 2006, 20:34:49 UTC

*sigh*

I agree. Never stop writing.

skarob April 30 2006, 20:50:45 UTC

thanks! I'm always cool when someone i dont know digs what i do.

Once again... anonymous June 20 2006, 21:41:14 UTC

Once again u neva fail 2 impress me!! I agree with the others, dnt eva stop writing!Think this is one of my favourites as I truly love pieces I can relate 2 and have bn thru, so inspiring!If only evry bloke could think ur thoughts eh?! Mwah xxxxxxxxx

Re: Once again... skarob June 21 2006, 09:47:32 UTC

yeah but if every guy could think these things i'd be far less special!

labonnepeche July 4 2006, 05:40:52 UTC

hey there - i'm not trying to be a strange critical stranger, but...
you might work on your syntax and diction...interesting angsty bits here.

skarob July 5 2006, 09:07:16 UTC

all advice is welcome...and where do you think it needs work?

criticism from a shitty poet labonnepeche July 5 2006, 17:38:34 UTC

i will start by saying that your style is pretty developed and succinct, both of which i hold to be good qualities. it's what you do with them that makes the difference. i find your syntax to be quite choppy, almost entirely composed of short sentences which leads the reader into a world of literary snapshots, however, i would like to see more developed word choice. you do a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. even though the simpler words may seem to convey the thought faster, it loses some depth. you should read marguerite duras - a french author, who writes in much the same style, but whose subjects are a tad less dark. (i'm sure you could find some translations over there across the pond.) the way she uses short sentences almost makes reading the book (l'amant, par exemple) like watching a film.

now that i've been so critical, i hope that you don't find all of this meaningless, although it would be egotistical of me to expect you to appreciate it.

best
- c

anonymous November 6 2006, 12:49:14 UTC

really like this one. a senario that is guaranteed to floor any human being. rings true for most people who have been in love and lost.

skarob November 6 2006, 13:29:00 UTC

glad to please, I like the idea of representing a social mythology, an example of the zeitgeist in relation to relationships