(no subject)
ok, thats it. i've fucking had it.
i feel like i am at the end of my rope. i just want to take what little rope i have a tie it so tightly around my throat that i would never breathe again even if i tried.
no i'm not fucking suicidal. no i'm not fucking fishing for attention. i've just had it. i am a depressed person and i am so sick of hating myself as much as i do.
i feeling more alone than i ever have before. and there is no reason to be!! i'm in a relationship. thats not saying that i have even hugged him in the passed 3 days and the air is so tense and so silent it hurts to breathe in... but thats besides the point.
i am sick of feeling like a terrible person. i am so annoyed with being a bad girlfriend. i don't try to be. i just am. when the person who is s'possed to love you so much calls you a slut x 43943298 it fucking hurts ok. it does jack shit for your self esteem.
everything the people who love you say affects you more than random-joe on the street. when your own mother is pissy everytime you speak to her, just makes you feel worthless.
ok, yes i'm a fucking drama queen and maybe i'm pulling this all out of proportion, but dammit i am on the verge of crying here!! it has to be effecting me somehow!!!
i hate being talked down too, and i hate no being liked, i hate no having anyone to open up too, i hate myself, and i HATE not being able to cry!!
i just want to fucking break down and cry. thats it. i want to cry hysterically until i can't catch my breath. i want to hyperventilate and pass out. then i can get a good nights sleep.
no more nightmares, no more tossing and turning, no more being scared to crawl into bed at night, no more forcing my limbs away from his while under the covers.
i've only cried to hyperventilation once, but boy did i rest well.
yes, i know, i know. crying solves nothing. i know this. it solves absoulutly nothing. but you know what??? at least i will know i have emotions other than frustation and hate!!!
i feel like everything has gone wrong and no one cares!
my "best friend"?? fuck that. i feel like i am breaking down piece by piece and where the hell is she? she doesn't even glance back to see if i'm ok. but i deserve it, i don't know whats ill-ing her this week.
i want to choke. i want to gasp for breath. i want to take something vital from myself to see my reaction. will i break down? will it scare me back to normal??
i am a worthless piece of fucking fleach and there is no point right now. i am not doing anything to benefit myself or anyone else. i am just making joels life miserable, my families life miserable...
and you ask why we had the apartment set in vegas!! 3,000 miles from everything that i hate.
everything except myself.
i don't want to hate myself. i don't enjoy being miserable and frustrated and i don;t like hate the reflection in the mirror.
i don't like writting in this bullshit emo-pathetic-journal just so i can go back and read about how much i was worthless.
but i need to scream, and i can't.
this is all i have.
i am out of gas, out of money, have no where to drive too and on the verge of a breakdown...
the worst part it... I DONT KNOW WHY!!!!! life has been worse but right now i feel like i am suffocating.
i just want to disapper.
make me fucking disappear.