The Case of the Audio Antagonist - Act 1

Oct 26, 2004 02:07

Nigel & Nigel on the Radio!

Text that isn't in parentheses or labeled as a speaker is narration. The narrator sounds kind of like a South Park Canadian, or maybe the announcer at the beginning of this sb email.

Act 1

Hello, and welcome to yet another radio broadcast of Deduct Tape: The Nigel and Nigel Files, the murder mystery program set in England. That’s right, even though we’ve already brought you thousands of different Nigel and Nigel murder mysteries, we’ve dug deep into the primal collective unconscious to bring you yet another unique story. Let’s begin as we always do-by introducing the main characters.

Nigel Holstein is an idiot, but somehow is in charge.

Nigel Holstein (NH): I want to be just like Sherlock Holmes when I grow up. Wait, I’m grown up now. Well, when I grow up more, then.

Nigel Crumbly is his slightly short-tempered, much smarter assistant/partner.

Nigel Crumbly (NC): I’m in it for the money. Someday I’ll start my own company and make millions!

Barnaby Butterworth is the official police inspector who helps Nigel and Nigel out.

Barnaby Butterworth (BB): I wish I could solve a crime by myself. How did I get to be Inspector anyway?

Inspector Snobbs is Barnaby’s sidekick. He does the menial tasks.

Snobbs (SN): I could be a major character if only they gave me more lines!

Officer Lollygagger is a running joke because he’s never seen or heard.

(silence)

Now, on to the show.
It’s morning in Hamville, England, home of Nigel and Nigel. Another day, another crime to solve. It’s part of the Nigels’ routine. We open on our heroes having breakfast, featuring the most appropriate of grain products, English muffins.

[NNHQ (NigelNigelHeadQuarters)]

NH: Nigel, these English muffins are terrific, aren’t they?

NC: Oh yes, they’re the bloody best.

NH: Do you think if the muffins came from somewhere else, they’d still taste so splendid?

NC: What, you mean if they were Scottish muffins?

(wah wahhhhhh)

NH: Did you hear that?

NC: I believe it was a foghorn.

Unfortunately, every crime must have a victim. Unless, of course, it’s a victimless crime like prostitution. Ahh, prostitution. Something you won’t find in this broadcast. Unlike English muffins.
And so, we go to meet our victim in a suburban house in suburban Hamville…

[victim’s house]

Victim (VC): I say, breakfast just wouldn’t be breakfast without English muffins. (sounds of eating) I sure do enjoy listening to myself eat! (doorbell) That was the doorbell! I think I’ll answer it. (heavy footsteps) I wonder why I’m wearing heavy-soled shoes indoors? Ah, here’s the door. I daresay I shall open it! (door opens) Hello there, kind visitor!

Killer (KL) (raspy disguised voice): Good morning, neighbour.

VC: My word, you have an unusually raspy voice. Are you trying to disguise your identity? You are, aren’t you! You’re wearing a dark trenchcoat and a hat with a wide brim as well! I daresay no one would be able to describe you from any description I just gave-I mean, could give.

KL: Get inside.

VC: See here, now you’re pointing a gun at me!

And so, the killer forced the victim into his house at gunpoint and tied him to a chair in his kitchen.

VC: I say, you’ve done a fair job of tying me to my own chair. Just look at me struggle! I’d make more noise struggling, except I don’t think you’d be able to tell it was the sound of struggling just by listening to it. What do you want from me, anyway?

(gunshot)

(pause)

VC: That certainly was a loud gunshot. You got me! Yes, you shot me right in the stomach. I think I’m dying! What’s this? You’re taking off your hat and showing me your face? I daresay you want me to know who you are!

A most heinous and well-described crime indeed. Now we rejoin Nigel and Nigel some hours later as they’re about to hear of the crime we just witnessed.

[NNHQ]

NH: Nigel, how is it that whenever I solve the crime, it turns out that I’m wrong, but when you solve it you get it right?

NC: It’s quite simple, Nigel. Whoever solves last, solves best.

NH: Really?

NC: Yes. It’s a common saying.

NH: Hmm.

(phone rings)

NH: I’ll get it! (picks up phone) Cheerio. Nigel here.

BB (over phone): Hello, Nigel! Listen, I’ve got a case for you.

NH: Oh?

BB: Yes.

NH: Why don’t you tell me all about it?

BB: I’m about to. (short pause) All right, here it is. Clifford Jefferstone was murdered this morning.

NH: This morning, eh?

BB: Yes, probably around the time you were eating breakfast.

NC: Nigel, who is it?

NH: It’s Barnaby. Somebody died again.

NC: Murder again? Why is it that we never solve anything less severe than murder?

NH: I dunno.

NC: Ask Barnaby why he didn’t have us cover that bank robbery last week.

NH: Hey Barnaby, Nigel asks how come you don’t ask us to solve robberies and such?

(pause)

BB: Tell him he’s a bastard.

NH: He says you’re a bastard.

NC: (sighs) Jolly good then. Get directions and tell him we’ll meet him at the crime scene.

NH: Nigel says to call someone named Directions. We’ll meet him at the crime scene. (hangs up) Let’s go.

One fixed misunderstanding and plenty of minutes later, Nigel and Nigel arrive at the scene of the crime.

NH: Just look at this house, Nigel! It’s so ordinary!

NC: Indeed. There’s absolutely no need to describe it.

BB: Ah, there you are. Hello, Nigel. Nigel.

NH, NC: Barnaby.

NC: What do we know about the victim?

BB: Schoolteacher, thirty-four. Lived alone, kept mostly to himself. A real loner.

NC: Nigel, why aren’t you a loner?

NH: Huh?

NC: Never mind.

NH: Jolly good then. Let’s search the scene crime. I mean, crime scene.

The three protagonists enter the victim’s ordinary-looking house.

BB: As you can see, the perpetrator tied him up and shot him. Once in the belly, once in the head.

NC: Was anything taken?

BB: Snobbs?

SN: Doesn’t look like it.

NH: Could it have been suicide?

NC: Since he was tied up, and there is no gun in sight, I think not.

NH: Well, it looks like he led a lonely life. Oh, wait, never mind. He has a microwave.

NC: This definitely doesn’t look like a burglary gone awry.

NH: Gone where?

NC: Bad.

NH: Oh.

BB: We’ll have to talk to his coworkers, try to find out if he had any enemies.

NC: Indeed.

SN: Barnaby!

BB: What is it, Snobbs?

SN: Officer Lollygagger found a witness.

And now for our commercial break.

English muffins.

End Act 1

I've written act 2 also, but I don't know how many acts there will be in total. Feel free to record the dialogue for your part and send it to me. (Open parts for this act: Snobbs, Victim, Killer)
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