Amends (SGA, John/Cam, NC-17)
Title: Amends
Author: skieswideopen
Pairing: Cameron Mitchell/John Sheppard
Word Count: ~1850
Rating: NC-17 for explicit sex
Warnings: ( skip) Includes a minor incident of someone holding down their consenting partner during sex.
Note: I started writing this for Porn Battle VII for the prompt "hoping," but didn't manage to finish before the deadline. It's probably just as well--I'm a little over comment-fic length.
Summary: "Sorry I didn't call," he says, and Cam has to laugh, because only John Sheppard would break five years of silence like this.
"You're early," Cam says as he opens the door. "You weren't supposed to..." He stops as he sees who's standing on his doorstep. "Oh."
His first thought is that Sheppard looks good. Not just because he doesn't appear to have aged at all in the past few years--though that's true too--but because the tension that once thrummed constantly through him, buried behind quick jokes and long runs, seems to have vanished, leaving in its wake calm alertness and an ease that seems genuine. It's not at all what Cam expected after everything that happened, but he's glad to see it.
His second thought is that it's going to be hard not to yell.
From the sheepish expression on Sheppard's face, Cam suspects that he's anticipated Cam's second train of thought. "Sorry I didn't call," he says, and Cam has to laugh, because only John Sheppard would break five years of silence like this.
"Yeah, I kind of wondered what happened," Cam replies dryly, and they both know he's not referring to this visit. He keeps his tone mild, though, because they hadn't officially been anything other than periodic sources of comfort to each other in a difficult environment, and if he had secretly hoped for more, well, he has only himself to blame.
"Yeah." John shifts uncomfortably and turns his gaze toward the neighbour's neatly manicured lawn. "I'm sorry about that too. I was going to get in touch, and then..." His voice trails off.
And then. Cam heard the highlights from mutual friends still in Afghanistan at the time. Orders disregarded. A court martial. Exile to Antarctica. A promising career brought to a screeching halt. All good reasons to withdraw from your friends, if you're John Sheppard. Of course, none of it explains the first couple of years.
Cam stands aside. "You coming in?" he asks, and Sheppard's face breaks into a relieved smile that sparks...something in Cam. Memories, Cam tells himself firmly. Just memories.
They sit awkwardly side by side on Cam's couch, beer disappearing a little too fast as they make stumbling small talk. Much of Cam's difficulty stems from the fact that he doesn't know which questions are safe to ask and which ones need to be avoided. What happened? seems to be out, along with Why did you do that to me? and Are you okay?. That doesn't leave much of consequence to discuss.
"Are you still with the Air Force?" he asks finally. He's not sure that's a safe question either, but he wants to know anyway. Needs to know if that's why Sheppard has finally come back.
"Yeah," Sheppard replies. "They haven't figured out a way to get rid of me yet." The tone is characteristically sardonic, but beneath it, Cam hears something else. Hope, maybe? Or gratitude?
He doesn't have a chance to pursue it, because Sheppard's moved his hand to rest on Cam's knee, and his head is tilted in a clear question. Apparently they're now sufficiently caught up. Well, and what else had he expected when he invited the man inside?
For a moment Cam contemplates pushing the hand aside and asking his questions instead. Demanding answers and explanations and all those things Sheppard so assiduously avoids. But he knows it's a lost cause, and even if it weren't, those answers aren't going to change the last five years. So he just nods and runs a finger along the back of Sheppard's hand, tracing a path from knuckle to wrist, because God, it's been forever, and he's never, ever been able to say no to John Sheppard. And this time, he'll know better than to hope.
Sheppard lifts his hand from knee to belt. Cam carefully sets his beer down and stands up.
"Not here," he says, glancing toward the big bay window on the opposite side of the room. There's no point in giving the neighbours a show, especially when most of them know what Cam does for a living.
Sheppard nods acquiescence and gestures for Cam to lead the way.
Sheppard touches Cam's shoulder as soon as they're inside the bedroom, turning him around so that they're face-to-face. Cam braces for the inevitable shove up against the nearest wall, because Sheppard likes to play rough, but Sheppard just pulls him in and begins to kiss him, slow and sweet and tender as a teenager on a first date. Cam relaxes into the kiss, savouring the warmth of Sheppard's lips on his and the spicy smell of Sheppard's aftershave, and wonders again what the hell happened to bring this about.
When Sheppard's hand slides up to cup Cam's face, Cam nearly pulls back to make sure that it's really Sheppard he's kissing. He resists the urge and focuses on returning the attention, working his way down the buttons of Sheppard's shirt until he can reach inside. He slides his hand down Sheppard's chest, then runs his fingers along the warm stomach. Sheppard's stomach tenses beneath his touch and Cam smiles against Sheppard's mouth at the reaction. Sheppard responds by slipping a hand around to the back of Cam's head and deepening their kiss, pushing up against Cam until Cam has to pull his hand out. He slides it around to Sheppard's back instead, running his fingertips along Sheppard's spine until he can feel Sheppard shiver against him.
Sheppard breaks the kiss long enough to strip Cam of his shirt, then begins kissing his way down Cam's shoulder as his hands work to undo Cam's belt and jeans. Cam closes his eyes and starts running his fingers through the tangled mass of Sheppard's hair. Sheppard's hand brushes the front of his jeans, and Cam feels himself harden in response.
"Are you gonna last?" Sheppard asks, and Cam can hear the grin in his voice.
"Well, if you'd called ahead, I would have taken care of things in advance," he drawls.
"Aren't you getting a little old for twice in a day, Mitchell?" Which, maybe he is, some days, but it isn't exactly polite of Sheppard to point it out. But before he can respond, Sheppard's pulling his jeans down, and going to his knees to pull them off, and Cam's too busy thinking about what will come next to come up with a decent retort.
When they're both undressed, Sheppard pushes him back onto the bed--but gently, still gently--and then climbs on top of him, positioning himself so that they're almost perfectly aligned. Not quite perfectly, though, because Cam can feel Sheppard's erection hard against his thigh and Sheppard's thigh against his cock, and he starts breathing faster as his anticipation builds--it's been so long since he had this, since he dared to take this.... He cranes his neck so that he can reach Sheppard's lips, suddenly desperate for every bit of contact he can get. Sheppard kisses him back, and then lowers his head to Cam's ear.
"How do you want it?" he whispers. Cam shivers as the tip of Sheppard's tongue brushes his ear. He turns his head and gives Sheppard a bruising kiss, then pulls back. He waits for the answering grin, for Sheppard to pin his arms or flip him over, but Sheppard just shakes his head. "How do you want it?" he repeats.
Cam hesitates. This isn't a conversation they've had before. "The same," he says at last, "but slower."
They take it slow, trading off kisses and caresses and hands and mouths on each other's cocks until they're both trembling with desire. At the end, it's Cam who flips Sheppard and reaches for the lube and condoms. He slides in slowly, eyes focused on Sheppard's half-visible face, pushed against the pillow. He'd wondered back when they first met what Sheppard would look like while he was being fucked. He's only had a handful of chances to find out.
After the first few thrusts he slides his hands beneath Sheppard's hips, pulling him up. Sheppard obediently rises to his knees with Cam's cock still buried in him.
"Look at me," Cam orders, and Sheppard twists his neck so that Cam can see most of his face, flushed and vulnerable. Sheppard’s always at his most open in bed, sensations playing across his face in a way that emotion rarely does, pleasure laid out for his partner to see. He’s fucking beautiful, and it's all Cam can do not to come now. He distracts himself by thinking of other things. Football stats. His next mission. The possibility that Sheppard has actually changed. All the reasons that it doesn't matter.
Sheppard closes his eyes and Cam begins to thrust harder, reaching around to stroke Sheppard's cock. Sheppard comes a moment later with a muffled gasp, and as Cam feels the warm wetness spreading across his hand, he thrusts hard and lets himself go. Sheppard leans over him as they collapse together, and murmurs in his ear, "I'm sorry." He doesn't say what for.
"How soon do I need to leave?" Sheppard asks once they've caught their breath.
"Leave?"
"You said you were expecting someone..."
"Oh." Cam glances at the clock on the nightstand. Five o'clock. He needs to start getting ready. "I've got a couple of friends coming over for dinner. Nothing fancy. You can stay, if you like."
Sheppard shakes his head. "I should go. I've got a new assignment. Got to be up early."
"Sure," Cam says, trying not to feel disappointed. He sits up. "Where are you assigned now?"
"As far away as they can send me," Sheppard says with a wink and a smirk. He's already standing and reaching for his clothes. It's a perfect replay of the ending of dozens of previous encounters. Cam swallows down his regret.
"Stay in touch," Cam says as he lets Sheppard out.
"Yeah," Sheppard replies, with a quick backwards glance. "If I can." He pauses, then adds, "It was good seeing you again, Mitchell."
Cam doesn't expect to hear from him again, and he doesn't.
Six months later he gets a new assignment and the security clearance to go with it, and finds out in one long, disorienting information session about the Stargate Program and its myriad missions and successes. At the end, they tack on a short briefing about a one-way expedition to another galaxy that had left nearly six months earlier. Cam's skimming the package they hand him as the speaker drones on, still trying to take in the fact that there are aliens and spaceships and wormhole travel between planets, when he spots a familiar name among the senior personnel, and puts it all together.
Cam drives out into the country one night soon after that. In the warm darkness, he lies back on the hood of his car and stares up into the sky, and wonders whether John Sheppard is happy where he is, and whether he truly has become a new man in a new city.
Author: skieswideopen
Pairing: Cameron Mitchell/John Sheppard
Word Count: ~1850
Rating: NC-17 for explicit sex
Warnings: ( skip) Includes a minor incident of someone holding down their consenting partner during sex.
Note: I started writing this for Porn Battle VII for the prompt "hoping," but didn't manage to finish before the deadline. It's probably just as well--I'm a little over comment-fic length.
Summary: "Sorry I didn't call," he says, and Cam has to laugh, because only John Sheppard would break five years of silence like this.
"You're early," Cam says as he opens the door. "You weren't supposed to..." He stops as he sees who's standing on his doorstep. "Oh."
His first thought is that Sheppard looks good. Not just because he doesn't appear to have aged at all in the past few years--though that's true too--but because the tension that once thrummed constantly through him, buried behind quick jokes and long runs, seems to have vanished, leaving in its wake calm alertness and an ease that seems genuine. It's not at all what Cam expected after everything that happened, but he's glad to see it.
His second thought is that it's going to be hard not to yell.
From the sheepish expression on Sheppard's face, Cam suspects that he's anticipated Cam's second train of thought. "Sorry I didn't call," he says, and Cam has to laugh, because only John Sheppard would break five years of silence like this.
"Yeah, I kind of wondered what happened," Cam replies dryly, and they both know he's not referring to this visit. He keeps his tone mild, though, because they hadn't officially been anything other than periodic sources of comfort to each other in a difficult environment, and if he had secretly hoped for more, well, he has only himself to blame.
"Yeah." John shifts uncomfortably and turns his gaze toward the neighbour's neatly manicured lawn. "I'm sorry about that too. I was going to get in touch, and then..." His voice trails off.
And then. Cam heard the highlights from mutual friends still in Afghanistan at the time. Orders disregarded. A court martial. Exile to Antarctica. A promising career brought to a screeching halt. All good reasons to withdraw from your friends, if you're John Sheppard. Of course, none of it explains the first couple of years.
Cam stands aside. "You coming in?" he asks, and Sheppard's face breaks into a relieved smile that sparks...something in Cam. Memories, Cam tells himself firmly. Just memories.
They sit awkwardly side by side on Cam's couch, beer disappearing a little too fast as they make stumbling small talk. Much of Cam's difficulty stems from the fact that he doesn't know which questions are safe to ask and which ones need to be avoided. What happened? seems to be out, along with Why did you do that to me? and Are you okay?. That doesn't leave much of consequence to discuss.
"Are you still with the Air Force?" he asks finally. He's not sure that's a safe question either, but he wants to know anyway. Needs to know if that's why Sheppard has finally come back.
"Yeah," Sheppard replies. "They haven't figured out a way to get rid of me yet." The tone is characteristically sardonic, but beneath it, Cam hears something else. Hope, maybe? Or gratitude?
He doesn't have a chance to pursue it, because Sheppard's moved his hand to rest on Cam's knee, and his head is tilted in a clear question. Apparently they're now sufficiently caught up. Well, and what else had he expected when he invited the man inside?
For a moment Cam contemplates pushing the hand aside and asking his questions instead. Demanding answers and explanations and all those things Sheppard so assiduously avoids. But he knows it's a lost cause, and even if it weren't, those answers aren't going to change the last five years. So he just nods and runs a finger along the back of Sheppard's hand, tracing a path from knuckle to wrist, because God, it's been forever, and he's never, ever been able to say no to John Sheppard. And this time, he'll know better than to hope.
Sheppard lifts his hand from knee to belt. Cam carefully sets his beer down and stands up.
"Not here," he says, glancing toward the big bay window on the opposite side of the room. There's no point in giving the neighbours a show, especially when most of them know what Cam does for a living.
Sheppard nods acquiescence and gestures for Cam to lead the way.
Sheppard touches Cam's shoulder as soon as they're inside the bedroom, turning him around so that they're face-to-face. Cam braces for the inevitable shove up against the nearest wall, because Sheppard likes to play rough, but Sheppard just pulls him in and begins to kiss him, slow and sweet and tender as a teenager on a first date. Cam relaxes into the kiss, savouring the warmth of Sheppard's lips on his and the spicy smell of Sheppard's aftershave, and wonders again what the hell happened to bring this about.
When Sheppard's hand slides up to cup Cam's face, Cam nearly pulls back to make sure that it's really Sheppard he's kissing. He resists the urge and focuses on returning the attention, working his way down the buttons of Sheppard's shirt until he can reach inside. He slides his hand down Sheppard's chest, then runs his fingers along the warm stomach. Sheppard's stomach tenses beneath his touch and Cam smiles against Sheppard's mouth at the reaction. Sheppard responds by slipping a hand around to the back of Cam's head and deepening their kiss, pushing up against Cam until Cam has to pull his hand out. He slides it around to Sheppard's back instead, running his fingertips along Sheppard's spine until he can feel Sheppard shiver against him.
Sheppard breaks the kiss long enough to strip Cam of his shirt, then begins kissing his way down Cam's shoulder as his hands work to undo Cam's belt and jeans. Cam closes his eyes and starts running his fingers through the tangled mass of Sheppard's hair. Sheppard's hand brushes the front of his jeans, and Cam feels himself harden in response.
"Are you gonna last?" Sheppard asks, and Cam can hear the grin in his voice.
"Well, if you'd called ahead, I would have taken care of things in advance," he drawls.
"Aren't you getting a little old for twice in a day, Mitchell?" Which, maybe he is, some days, but it isn't exactly polite of Sheppard to point it out. But before he can respond, Sheppard's pulling his jeans down, and going to his knees to pull them off, and Cam's too busy thinking about what will come next to come up with a decent retort.
When they're both undressed, Sheppard pushes him back onto the bed--but gently, still gently--and then climbs on top of him, positioning himself so that they're almost perfectly aligned. Not quite perfectly, though, because Cam can feel Sheppard's erection hard against his thigh and Sheppard's thigh against his cock, and he starts breathing faster as his anticipation builds--it's been so long since he had this, since he dared to take this.... He cranes his neck so that he can reach Sheppard's lips, suddenly desperate for every bit of contact he can get. Sheppard kisses him back, and then lowers his head to Cam's ear.
"How do you want it?" he whispers. Cam shivers as the tip of Sheppard's tongue brushes his ear. He turns his head and gives Sheppard a bruising kiss, then pulls back. He waits for the answering grin, for Sheppard to pin his arms or flip him over, but Sheppard just shakes his head. "How do you want it?" he repeats.
Cam hesitates. This isn't a conversation they've had before. "The same," he says at last, "but slower."
They take it slow, trading off kisses and caresses and hands and mouths on each other's cocks until they're both trembling with desire. At the end, it's Cam who flips Sheppard and reaches for the lube and condoms. He slides in slowly, eyes focused on Sheppard's half-visible face, pushed against the pillow. He'd wondered back when they first met what Sheppard would look like while he was being fucked. He's only had a handful of chances to find out.
After the first few thrusts he slides his hands beneath Sheppard's hips, pulling him up. Sheppard obediently rises to his knees with Cam's cock still buried in him.
"Look at me," Cam orders, and Sheppard twists his neck so that Cam can see most of his face, flushed and vulnerable. Sheppard’s always at his most open in bed, sensations playing across his face in a way that emotion rarely does, pleasure laid out for his partner to see. He’s fucking beautiful, and it's all Cam can do not to come now. He distracts himself by thinking of other things. Football stats. His next mission. The possibility that Sheppard has actually changed. All the reasons that it doesn't matter.
Sheppard closes his eyes and Cam begins to thrust harder, reaching around to stroke Sheppard's cock. Sheppard comes a moment later with a muffled gasp, and as Cam feels the warm wetness spreading across his hand, he thrusts hard and lets himself go. Sheppard leans over him as they collapse together, and murmurs in his ear, "I'm sorry." He doesn't say what for.
"How soon do I need to leave?" Sheppard asks once they've caught their breath.
"Leave?"
"You said you were expecting someone..."
"Oh." Cam glances at the clock on the nightstand. Five o'clock. He needs to start getting ready. "I've got a couple of friends coming over for dinner. Nothing fancy. You can stay, if you like."
Sheppard shakes his head. "I should go. I've got a new assignment. Got to be up early."
"Sure," Cam says, trying not to feel disappointed. He sits up. "Where are you assigned now?"
"As far away as they can send me," Sheppard says with a wink and a smirk. He's already standing and reaching for his clothes. It's a perfect replay of the ending of dozens of previous encounters. Cam swallows down his regret.
"Stay in touch," Cam says as he lets Sheppard out.
"Yeah," Sheppard replies, with a quick backwards glance. "If I can." He pauses, then adds, "It was good seeing you again, Mitchell."
Cam doesn't expect to hear from him again, and he doesn't.
Six months later he gets a new assignment and the security clearance to go with it, and finds out in one long, disorienting information session about the Stargate Program and its myriad missions and successes. At the end, they tack on a short briefing about a one-way expedition to another galaxy that had left nearly six months earlier. Cam's skimming the package they hand him as the speaker drones on, still trying to take in the fact that there are aliens and spaceships and wormhole travel between planets, when he spots a familiar name among the senior personnel, and puts it all together.
Cam drives out into the country one night soon after that. In the warm darkness, he lies back on the hood of his car and stares up into the sky, and wonders whether John Sheppard is happy where he is, and whether he truly has become a new man in a new city.