Names changed to protect the guilty
---
_______,
It was synchronistic to see you Thursday night, as you've been on my mind, and if circumstances had been different, I would have been glad to meet you wherever you were going and do this there in person, but all things considered, this seems the only way. I can more clearly articulate in this form, and besides, you have declined to call me back when I've made attempts to reach out to you in the past weeks. I would like very much for you and I to discuss what I'm about to put down here, the two of us, somewhere neutral, and quite sober.
I couldn't talk to you last night because I was having a long talk with my girlfriend Joey, who you saw me walking with for a moment. We'd had a glitch of communication earlier in the day that threw us both into a confusing and angry place. We gave each other some space, and then rejoined to have a walk and a talk and sort it out, because that is what you do when you care enough to get past a block and fix what's wrong so you can get back to what's right. We did just that, and our relationship, which might have been doomed over a simple misunderstanding, was not only salvaged, but strengthened. This is not that hard to do, once you get to trying.
The glitch had to do with the fact that I fall into my own head a lot, and when you're involved with someone, they need you in the Here and Now with them. It's a quite reasonable request, but it can be difficult for those of us who've been loners most of our lives and spend the bulk of our lives inside our own minds. The thing that I'm finding out, though, is that it's worth it, because though the mind is comfortable even when it's dark, to really improve your life you have to get outside of comfort zones, whatever they may be.
In short, I am writing to illustrate the value of communication, not just in romantic relationships, but in all relationships. I held off talking to you for a while in light of certain events which are no doubt obvious. The fact remains, however, that we are friends, or rather, we can be, if we can reach an understanding here. I write not simply to accuse, but to share what I see on my end, and find out what you see on yours. It's my hope that we can repair some of this damage and prevent further ruin.
_______, we are friends and I love you. Not in a romantic way, but as one mind appreciating another. We have known each other for years, and have been good for each other, and I've been glad to know you. Until quite recently, I thought I knew you very well. I decided to reach out to you originally because I saw that you have a brilliant mind and the spirit necessary to accomplish much, beginning with your own development into the man you could be. You, frankly, are late in the game and in danger of never getting there if you don't make changes. There is a side to you, a darkness, that you hid effectively from me, but it's come to light now, and I can't pretend that it's okay. You're letting it drive. It's going to kill you if you let it. That's what it does. I've had my own, you know. It's part of me and in my weak moments, it nearly gets the wheel. I stop it, though. So can you. First, we need to discuss what has happened.
It is unpleasant for me to delve into this, because I'd rather I didn't know about certain things you have done. The plain fact is that you have abused mutual friends of ours, and it's my duty as friend to all involved, yourself included, to call you on it. It could have been different. All you had to do, with both _____ and ______, was be clear about your intentions in the moment. _____ threw you a party and you abused her hospitality, to put it mildly. Neither of the things I heard about were necessary and certainly neither are ways to repay the many kindnesses done to you by the ______. I don't want to rehash the details of these episodes here because I only know part of the picture. If you're willing to tell me your side and helping me understand your motives, I need to know those things. I need to know because I introduced you to people that I care about because I felt they would see in you what I did, and help you to grow, and enjoy your company. This is hardly what I expected to happen as a result, and I'm shocked and very disappointed. In short, I brought you into the house, and I need to know why you took a shit in the kitchen.
There's a theme tying these events together. It's your body _____, but you're destroying it with alcohol. Drinking to the point of oblivion and reckless abandon is not something I have ever done or understood. I want to understand why you drink so much, particularly because when you do, you hurt people. I can only speculate. I'll tell you one thing though. Alcohol is not a free pass to hurt people. I understand drinking for social lubrication, lord knows I've done enough of that. I stop there, because to go beyond is to relinquish control to your baser natures, and to invite trouble. Being drunk does not excuse you from the responsibility that you have to yourself and to those you interact with. Friendship and love are based on respect and trust, and if you discard that, you have nothing. The world has enough drunken eyesores, ______. You are so much more than that, if you choose to be. So much more than this stranger I am seeing for the first time.
There's one more thing that I have to touch on, because it's relevant and I'll explain why. I, more than once, have used your laptop or your ipod, etc, and had the autocomplete function show me things about you that I didn't want to know in the form of disgusting URLs. Pornography theoretically exists that does not exploit people or distort perception of sexuality, but I have yet to see it. It's an addiction, as surely as if you were dependent on a chemical, and it ruins you just as surely. I've seen it before. When my mother died, my father retreated briefly into a deep addiction to masturbation and internet porn. It almost broke him, and it very certainly made him a shadow of himself, but with the help of a good woman, he healed himself and is now the kind of man anyone should want to be. I struggled on occasion myself, but I don't touch the stuff now and I never looked back. You can kick, _____. I know that you can.
A woman is not a collection of holes. A woman is a human being: a potential matriarch, a loving partner, a source of continual joy and education if you get that far. Let me put this in Subgenius terms for a second. Slack in love is possible, really. You CAN have an actual sex goddess, but you've got to learn how to worship one properly before that can happen. No saucers or apocalypse is necessary, just respect, work, and communication. Step one is removing yourself from the death trap that is objectification. That is going to take discipline and it is a lifetime of work because of the way our culture is rigged but it will ultimately be worth it. So much more is possible once you get past that. Whole worlds of intimacy that never existed before will unfold for you. Trust me on this.
I've said what I needed to say. Now, you have a choice. You can be angry at me for dredging all this up, and for perhaps even going places you feel I don't have the right to, but this needed doing. It's out of love that I say all this. You can write me off, and retreat further into your shadow, and resign yourself to soul death at 28. You can, on the other hand, take a hard look at yourself, and consider the things I've said. You can take time and respond to this and in the process, help yourself understand all of it. You can forgive yourself and earn the forgiveness of those you have wronged. This is the time, _____. This is your chance to be who you really are. I urge you to take it, and fight for your own life. Do this, and we can get back to saving the world one person at a time, which is what I think you want to do, beneath all of this spiritual cancer.